I Couldn't Save You

by SolRadiante

Remembrance

I Couldn’t Save You

RemembranceToday, I awoke as I have every day for the past five years. I was screaming with all my might, drenched in sweat as if I had just completed a day of wonderbolt training, and had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair.

I just couldn’t rest easily or have a pleasant nap for once. Every time I fell asleep, I had the same horrible nightmare.

Yet I deserved every bit of it.

~*~*~*~*~

A little filly, falling into a bottomless abyss. A terrified expression plastered on her face, tears forming and flying up in the air with her. Her eyes filled with fear. Her gaze screams to be saved, but she doesn’t let any pleas for help out of her mouth.

And I’m there, flying much faster than I can possibly handle! A race against seconds for any chance to save her.

“Just hold on!” I shout, then reach for the filly with a hoof as she helplessly falls. “Give me your hoof, I almost got you!”

My determination to accomplish what I never could that day surpasses every obstacle clouding my thoughts. As the abyss closes in, she does her best effort to extend her hoof to a length where it almost touches mine. Almost...

“I-I can’t,” the filly cries out in a whimper. She stares at me tearfully and begs, “Dashie, don’t leave me!”

I don’t understand, and then I see she’s getting farther away. I can’t help but gaze at her terrified eyes as she descends into the darkness. That’s when I realize that she is gone forever, and I can do nothing to save her, much less see her again.

“Scootaloo, no!”

In the end of the dream, she disappears into the endless void as always, leaving me all alone in the darkness. Trapped in the prison where I will forever be: my mind. Then, the blood-curdling scream that had been haunting me nonstop for the last five years blasts through my ears.

RAINBOW DASH, HELP ME!

~*~*~*~*~

It was hell to me, having the same dream over and over again, waking up in the least pleasant way every time. Despite everything, I always saw it as a piece of my punishment for what I did, so I tried to endure them as long as I could. But I wasn’t sure how much longer I would last. Both my sanity and willpower were on the verge of collapse.

I felt myself return to the conscious world, and just like before, I was covered in a familiar cold sweat. I remained under the protection of my dark-blue blanket, feeling like a scared filly waking from a nightmare.

“Oh Celestia… when will they stop?!” I murmured sharply to myself, trembling in fear.

The dreams never failed at leaving me in a panicked state after I returned to reality. I was gasping heavily. It took a great deal of effort from my body to keep me from hyperventilating. My heart was beating abnormally fast and hard. I could feel my chest thumping with every pulsation it made. My eyes were all puffy and red. I felt wrecked.

“I’m… I’m,” a lump formed in my throat that prevented me from speaking clearly. Then, I held my knees closer to my chest, and tightly shut my eyes as tears started streaming down my face. “I’m so sorry…” I whispered in a barely audible voice.

I said those words often. Unfortunately, they would never be heard by the filly I loved and cared about so much. I would do just about anything to spend even a minute together once again, and say all the things I didn’t tell her while she was still with me.

Suddenly, my sobs were interrupted by an all too familiar noise.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I wiped my eyes with a foreleg to clear any remaining tears, then I let out a tired groan like I hadn’t slept all day. “…What time is it?”

Sticking my right hoof out of the sheets, I turned off the alarm clock that was blaring at me to wake up. I rose from the dark-blue blanket covering me, then slowly opened my eyes. It was 5:00pm on the clock, the hour that signified the end of my daily afternoon naps.

As I slid to the edge of my bed, I took a pair of violet slippers from a wooden drawer next to it, and put them on my forehooves; they were an anonymous gift. Although the color wasn’t really my style, I couldn’t say no to a warm piece of clothing like that. Ponyville can get pretty cold in winter, and right now Equestria was in the middle of autumn, so there wasn’t much time left till the coldest days made their arrival.

My stomach grumbled unexpectedly with hunger, so I made my way to the kitchen for some leftovers.

As I crossed the hallways of my home suspended on top of a cloud, I noticed how much it had decayed over the years: rubble lying about everywhere, broken photos from my childhood with my dad scattered on the floor, even dust bunnies lining the corners.

Leaving that aside, I continued walking to the kitchen. But as I was making my way through a corner, I tripped over something. It happened so suddenly that I barely had time to throw my hooves against the corridor wall. I caught myself in the nick of time before landing on top of glass shards.

I won’t lie, that little event made my heart skip a beat.

Phew, that was a close call! Last thing I need right now is any more damage than the bunch I already have... I thought, letting out a somewhat relieved sigh.

When I regained my balance, I glanced down to look at what the cause of my fall was. There in front of me lay an elegant ornate frame shattered in three pieces. In the center though, was a photo that brought me happiness, nostalgia, and yet so much sadness and grief. It had some scratches and had faded over time, giving it a sepia tone. The picture was clearly some years old, but the memories that it preserved were still as new as they’d always be.

It was the very first photograph with my best friends, where we all stood together with smiles on our faces on a grassy hill somewhere on the outskirts of Ponyville. That photo was taken a few days after Twilight’s arrival to town and the defeat of Nightmare Moon.

“Why... why did I leave you? Just what the buck was I thinking?!” I snapped. Anger, fury, and a whole bunch of dark feelings boiled in my veins that almost made me want to kick the wall. But I stopped at the last possible second, ‘cause I knew it would only hurt more. Then I dropped onto the floor defeated, barely holding the tears away.

“You were the only reason I stayed for so long, if you girls could forgive me someday...”

~*~*~*~*~

I wasn’t like this everyday, so miserable and mentally devastated.

There were times when I still had a ‘normal’ life. There were days when I still was the boastful and maybe overconfident pegasus despite the tragedy that happened to me. And it was all thanks to five particular ponies who made me feel that way. I knew I wasn’t on my own through those harsh times.

Broken. That’s how I felt after that fateful day, when the accident took place. But my friends never let me down. They truly tried their best to cheer me up, words can’t express how grateful I am for their efforts.

When I drowned in my own tears of sorrow, they would pull me right up from that lake of sadness.

In the loneliest of times, they always stood right by my side. They spent invaluable time with me. They made me see the light that shines from a true friend. None of my best friends left their most loyal friend hanging for a moment.

Twilight Sparkle was the first one who reached out to me. She asked me to come by her place a week after the funeral and invited me to a writers convention in Manehatten, can’t remember the name of it though.

I would have refused, knowing that I’d be surrounded by a bunch of eggheads like her. But that occasion was different, because the author of my all-time favorite book series, “Daring Do”, would be having an autograph signing session for all her loyal readers.

I just couldn’t let that once in a lifetime opportunity slip away. I was so excited to go that I even started jumping from joy and squealing like a fan mare. Twilight said she hadn’t seen me smile in a long time. A memorable experience like that helped ease my mind from the pain I was going through for a couple of months.

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy... they helped me smile too, and feel happiness once again for a whole year. Each of them in their own way of course, when they hung out with me on their own. With the girls keeping me company almost everyday, and always making sure I had a good time with them, it seemed to everypony like I was fully recovered.

Or so they thought....

The day that would change my way of living in a 180 turn dawned when the accident had its first anniversary, exactly four years ago. It was rare if somepony saw me out of my house. I grew more distant from my friends and everypony from Ponyville. And don’t get me started with the cutie mark crusaders. I just couldn’t look them in the eye anymore, not after what happened. I would avoid them whenever possible or fly away if I bumped into them.

It may have been cowardly and foolish now that I think about it... but again, I was truly torn apart. Because that was when the nightmares started haunting my dreams every single night, they reminded me of the incident in the most terrifying way possible.

Some days I would go for a flying session only around my house or do a little exercise indoors, like a hundred wing push-ups, just to shake my mind of all the troubles. Other days I wouldn’t go outside at all. But I never left my duties as a weather patrol pony aside, even if they were meaningless tasks like busting some clouds.

I spent two years like that, my sanity shrinking and shrinking with each day that passed. My best friends started worrying a lot about me, they knew I was still deeply hurt about the accident, and my condition wasn’t making any progress. They were running out of ideas on how to help me.

At some point, there would be countless occasions when my best friends stood for hours below my floating home. They were desperately trying to reassure me, to come out and talk about it, to convince me that I could be cured, that everything would be just fine, and that I could return to my normal life once more.

But one day, I just snapped. I flew down from my house, landed in front of my friends, and gave them a soul-piercing gaze. My emotions overpowered me and forced me to say these cold-hearted words.

“You’re all becoming a big nuisance! Seriously! Who the buck asked for your compassion?! Leave me be for Celestia’s sake!”

I had spat it with enough venom and hatred to shatter their hearts. The girls were at loss for words. They couldn’t believe what I, Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, had said.

“I don’t want to see you around here anymore, just go mind your own business elsewhere.” I said emotionless, then flew back into my house above without saying anything else.

BAM!

I slammed the front door with a hard hind kick, and threw the picture with my best friends against the wall in a violent frenzy.

Maybe three seconds had passed before I absolutely regretted everything I had said. But by the time I came to my senses, it was already too late. I flew in haste to a nearby window, and saw my best friends... or former, I should say. I saw them heartbroken. The saddened look of betrayal on their faces was unbearable, their cheeks overflowing with waterfalls of tears.

That was the last moment I made contact with them.

From that day on, I had transformed into the very being I feared.

I was no longer the proud and competitive pegasus who always felt above everypony else. But more importantly, the most loyal of ponies who would never betray her friends and who you could always count on to be there.

That was the final strike. The next day, I chose to quit my job as a weather patrol pony and left the Wonderbolts training academy. I didn’t feel worthy of myself to continue doing what I loved. It was nothing compared to losing my best friends. Just what was I thinking? I asked myself again. I had no job to make a living with, nor anything worth living for.

The only thing I wanted… was to shut away from everything.

I felt awfully guilty, because despite the horrible things I said, Fluttershy didn’t forsake me. She had flown to my home every single day without hesitation, leaving bags full of supplies in front of my doorstep for me to live by: apples, hay, vegetables, grains, water, soaps, that sort of thing.

After I treated my friends in such a heartless manner, the ones who sacrificed most of their free time to console me, I was clearly the least deserving pony to receive that kind of compassion. A slow death from dehydration or famine was the only fair punishment to justify my actions.

But Fluttershy refused that fate for me, she truly represented the Element of Kindness.

Another huge weight of remorse had fallen upon my being.

~*~*~*~*~

Grumble*

“Right, something to eat...” I said, in a hushed voice.

I grabbed the photo with my mouth and placed it on a nearby glass shelf, where all the peaceful memories would rest forever. All of them in a single picture. After a last glance, I continued my walk across the hallway.

I finally arrived at my destination. To my left was the kitchen, the living room to the right, and the front door in the center. All of the rooms had their windows covered up by dark-blue curtains, so the surroundings were dimly lit by faint rays of sun cutting through the darkness.

As I was searching through the numerous empty cabinets, I managed to find some bread slices and hay fries to satisfy my hunger. To quench my thirst, I poured the last of the apple cider into a mug. Then I stared deeply at a blue scooter leaning against the wall.

“For you… little sis…” Gently, I lifted the mug into the air with a hoof, and downed the refreshing liquid in one shot, hiccupping moments later. The Apple family had made their cider stronger with each year that passed, to the point that only full-grown ponies were allowed to drink it.

After I finished my snack, I threw myself onto one of the cloud-sofas in the living room. As I was trying to get comfortable, I sensed an aura of purity and light coming from the couch opposite of me, as if her presence was still there.

I know your intentions were on the right track princess, but it only made everything worse for me. I thought, somewhat grateful but disappointed as well.

It was two years ago on this very day, not long after I broke the friendship with the rest of the girls.

~*~*~*~*~

“Ninety eight... ninety nine... one hundred!”

I had just finished my daily flying session and the hundred wing push-ups, so I took a shower after that. The cold water refreshingly running through my body after a tough exercise was one of the few pleasures I still enjoyed. It was like a sanctuary where I could wash away every misfortune and all the dark feelings inside me.

It was around noon when I heard an unexpected knock on the door and a mysterious muffled voice calling my name.

“Rainbow Dash, are you home?”

Huh? Who could that be? I thought. I turned off the shower and put on my blue bathrobe, drying up my mane with a small white towel as I flew to the front door.

“Coming.” I replied.

When I opened it, I was almost without words. She was the last pony I had expected to find on my doorstep.

“Princess C-Celestia?” I stammered, left in awe at her radiant elegance. It seemed pretty odd that she would stop at my house in a normal day like this. When I peeked my head out, I was counting on seeing a royal chariot and some guards standing firm outside, but they were nowhere to be seen. She was completely alone. “Umm... oh right, my bad!” I made an awkward bow, a sign of high respect towards the princess.

She let out a giggle. “Good day, Rainbow Dash. Do you think it’s a good time to talk? I’d like to have a word with you.” Celestia examined me from head to hoof, aware of the droplets of water falling down from my bathrobe. “Oh, I apologize if I interrupted anything, maybe now’s not the time...”

She turned around, slightly ashamed, and prepared to take off. This definitely threw me off-guard, the fact that Celestia herself had payed me a visit out of the blue. I wasn’t going to let her get away just like that.

“Princess Celestia, wait!” I shouted, she stopped when she heard my voice. “It’s nothing, princess, just got out of the shower and nothing more.” I said reassuringly. I stepped aside to allow her into the house. “Come on in, please make yourself at home.”

We went to the living room, neither of us talking along the way. Then I gestured at the princess to take a seat by the sky-blue couch opposite of me, and remained silent. I waited for her to speak first. Her gaze seemed lost, not looking at anything in particular. She clearly had the best poker face I’ve seen. I couldn’t tell what the princess was thinking, or feeling. Why would she visit me all of the sudden? I knew this wasn’t just a social call.

After a long and awkward silent minute, the princess cleared her throat and made eye-contact with me.

“How are you feeling, Rainbow Dash?”

I sighed, gazing down at the floor. “I’ve been better…”

“Hmm, I suppose so.” She glanced at me concerned. “Rainbow, after seeing what happened between your friends, and realizing that the mishap with Scootaloo is still bringing you so much pain, my sister Luna and I have decided to send you to a mental clinic.”

“What? I need to go to what place now? Are you two out of your damn featherbrained minds?!”

To any other pony, that would be the definite way I would’ve replied. Not to Princess Celestia of course, I would never swear in the presence of royalty. This time, I gritted my teeth, took control of my deeply wounded emotions, and found a more respectable way to answer.

“I don’t understand… why would you do that?”

“My dear subject,” said the princess, “you must see that you have enclosed on yourself. You refuse to see anyone, and it has remained like that for a long time. You need professional aid. It’s the only possible way out of your never-ending grieving state.”

“A long time?” I rolled my eyes in disagreement, “pfft, that’s ridiculous! How much has it been… a month?”

“Two years, Rainbow Dash.”

I was taken aback at the princess’ response, time sure flew by quickly, but for me it felt like forever. So much had happened in those two years since my sanity went downhill, I realized what I was going through that moment wasn’t merely sadness or sorrow. It was something much worse that would eventually destroy me if something wasn’t done as soon as possible.

Even the magic of friendship couldn’t heal me.

“Alright, alright,” I said, convinced. “You got it. I’ll go to that mental clinic as you say. I don’t have anything to lose anyways...”

After a rather straightforward reflection, I agreed to entering that mental clinic. All expenses were generously paid by Celestia and Luna, not from the Equestrian vault, but from their own savings. They only wished for me to get back to my normal life.

Now I see how well that turned out…

~*~*~*~*~

I spent nearly two years in that clinic. A place far away from Ponyville to the northwest of Equestria where I kept doing activities, meeting other patients, doctors, socializing with them, etc. It was decent, I suppose, kind of fun at times too. Despite the tons of new ponies I met, I never made any real friendships with them. I wouldn’t forgive myself to further shatter the broken friendship I had with the rest of the girls. That’s when I realized how lonely I was in there, how much I hoped to be finally released.

But healing a depression like my case wasn’t an easy task. It wasn’t easy to live with either. I have experienced it at its fullest while I was alive. I understood that sadness and depression are two completely different things.

---

Depression is not to cry for every single thing. Depression is a desire to stop breathing, because the simple act to do so hurts. It’s to believe you have to die because nothing will ever get better. It’s a sharp pain you feel every time you wake up and see that the only possible solution for all your problems is to cease to exist.

It’s a constant fight. You have to keep your mind busy with other tasks, petty as they are, to avoid those kind of thoughts. Still, suicide is lingering on your mind 24/7.

It’s not a simple frame of mind. It’s a psychological problem.

---

My depression was the whole reason that I couldn’t get released from that mental clinic. It would’ve taken less time for the doctors to notice the severity of my problem. But the thing is, I was trying to hide it. I couldn’t bear the thought of spending another minute in that prison.

It only got worse.

I was transferred to one of the best psychiatric hospitals in Equestria... the worst kind of insane asylum if you ask me. It was located over a large hill with the glistening blue waters of the endless sea a few miles ahead to the west, even farther away from my little home village of Ponyville and any kind of civilization. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience, especially when everypony in there was a complete lunatic in one way or another.

I knew I had to try harder in concealing my depression, that is, if I ever wanted to be free. It didn’t matter if all of it was paid by Celestia and Luna, it was clear that the doctors would never be able to erase the damage I’ve caused and heal the scars from my soul.

Luckily, I’ve always been an ace in hiding my true self from the public eye. I had my pride and reputation to maintain in the past. But this was a more challenging task: to convince the doctors that I recovered from my problem completely.

And I did it! It took at least a month for them to release me. I had finally returned home just three days ago, but anyhow, there was nothing waiting for me...

~*~*~*~*~

I was in a severe emotional breakdown in my homecoming. The thought of suicide lingered stronger than ever in my mind. The day of the fifth year since the accident drawing nearer with each hour that passed.

And when it came, which was today, I knew I was ready. I had the crucial element to do such an action as to kill myself within my hooves for these three days since my release.

“Unicorn’s Lament...” I said, out of the blue. I wasn’t aware that I started daydreaming. When I came to, I noticed I was staring blankly at the ceiling while resting on my back in the cloud-sofa, my hooves crossed on the back of my head. “Heh. Who knew a plant could be so deadly.”

I took a disturbed glimpse towards a picture frame hung in the wall beside me. It had a painting of a rainbow, shining beautifully above a mountainous landscape. I rose from my sofa and walked towards it. Complete silence reigned in the dimly lit room, and only the rushed beatings of my heart could be heard.

I grabbed the edge of the frame with my mouth, removed the painting from the wall, and threw it to the side. Its wooden frame shattering to pieces as it crashed to the floor. It revealed a secret hidden hole in the wall. A long piece of thread tied to a small flask lay inside the gap. The bottle contained a pale and harmless-looking liquid.

~*~*~*~*~

A few days before I was released, there was a patient who caused quite an uproar with that flask in the mental hospital facilities, and all of Equestria as well.

I was in the large cafeteria along with dozens, no, maybe hundreds of other patients having our usual soup dinner. I had no idea that Equestria had so many mentally sick ponies. Anyways, it was pretty boring most of the evenings. It wasn’t everyday when somepony had the brilliant idea to start a scene out of nowhere.

Fortunately, that was one of those days... hehe, and the most awesome one in all my time I spent in the damned hospital.

“Stop!” a voice echoed from outside the room. Moments later, the white doors from the cafeteria flew wide open with a loud bang. All eyes in the room turned to look at a frail-looking patient frantically running away, holding something in his mouth. Three orderlies came in hot pursuit, wearing stern expressions.

I was seated in a table far away from the commotion, so I couldn’t get a clear look at the stallion. But I did notice when he jumped on top of a table, his eyes darting everywhere, searching for an exit. He was completely surrounded and cornered.

“Leave me alone! You have no right to make decisions in my life,” the ill stallion cried out, his voice carrying a great amount of pain.

There was something oddly familiar about him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I knew him from somewhere, or somepony.

“We’re not going to say this again,” one of the broad orderlies said firmly, holding a nightstick in his mouth. “Give us the flask and maybe we’ll forget about this little chase you’ve put us through.”

“So you wanna do this the hard way, punk?!” the patient roared. I was astonished by his speed and dexterity. He grabbed a bowl of soup resting by his side, made a quick spin and threw it straight at the attendant’s face, knocking him out cold after an ugly crack.

Then it was madness! A whole bunch of peacekeepers armed with truncheons rushed into the cafeteria. Some of the reckless patients joined in the brawl, while others screamed in terror as they tried to hightail it out of the room. Me? I hid inside a nearby trash can, and waited till everything cooled down.

My curiosity about the flask was killing me. How could it have created such mayhem? I wanted to know the answer even if it was the last thing I did.

So I waited, and waited. I heard numerous pained cries after a loud crash. The struggle was all over five minutes later.

That night when I went to the restroom to wash my face, I overheard some nurses in the neighboring hallway talking about the liquid that was contained in the flask. They said the name ‘Unicorn’s Lament’, and that it was a plant.

The hospital had a small library for the patients who liked to read or simply who wanted to kill time. So I did a bit of research the next morning. I found out some disturbing facts about that mysterious plant. Not only did it have an eerie name, but it was not something to joke about.

---

Unicorn’s Lament

An exotic and highly dangerous plant found only in tropical forests far away from Equestria. It is extremely rare to find it in the wild due to its inability to drop seeds on its own. As a consequence, preventing its natural reproduction. Some experts speculate that magical creatures or native tribes help to reproduce the plant. This area is to be researched more thoroughly, expect more information in future volumes of this book.

The plant is roughly the height of a filly and approximately thirty centimeters in width. It consists of a silvery-white bush. From the center emerges a stem with a bizarre flower-like part at the tip. For reasons still unknown, the stem is always hanging low as if withered. An important aspect of the flower-like part is that it has a single thorn in the center. The thorn secretes a type of poison which can pass right through the skin, acting as the defense mechanism for the plant. This process makes the plant appear to be weeping, hence its name, the ‘Unicorn’s Lament’.

The poison is deadly enough to end the life of a full-grown pony if not treated within minutes. Its symptoms strike the victim quickly and with devastating effects, which are listed here: dizziness, shortness of breath, seizures, short-term loss of memory, severe clotting in the coronary arteries leading to heart attacks, and ultimately, death from cardiac arrest.

A full recovery from poisoning isn’t 100% achievable in most of the cases, so it is highly advised to exercise extreme caution if encountered in the wild.

---

As I was packing my things on the day of my release, preparing myself to leave the hospital, I noticed the bottle of poison resting inside my bag. I was shocked. How the heck did the flask end up among my things?! I saw it with my own eyes when the orderlies confiscated the flask after shooting the stallion with a tranquilizer gun.

Numerous theories passed through my mind, but the most plausible one? It was a second flask that the doctors weren’t aware about it. I wasn’t sure if some patient out there wanted to put the blame on me for the poison, but I took the opportunity and carried the poison with me back to my home. Nopony ever suspected a thing.

~*~*~*~*~

And so, that’s how I secretly kept that lethal substance within my home, waiting for the day to end all of the pain and guilt I’ve endured for so long. What reason was there for me to keep living?

I took the long thread with a hoof and slipped it among my head. The bottle hung on my neck like it was a necklace

“Maybe it’s finally time for me… to pay Ponyville a visit...” I said, my voice emitting everything but happiness. I had somepony in mind, one that I haven’t visited in quite some time, and whose birthday was today.

I took off my slippers and left them below my cloud-sofa. When I made sure that I was ready to go, I turned to see the front door lying a few meters ahead of me, dust covering it completely. Slowly, I took a few steps towards it and opened it, a loud and harsh creak sounding in the process.

The cold breeze of autumn sent shivers throughout my spine, but it also felt heavenly good. My mane danced gracefully at the symphony of the wind.

Spreading my wings wide open, I jumped off my cloud-home and took flight. A large smile appeared on my face. The radiant sunset across the mountains made me feel so happy and free; it had been too long since I graced the skies like this. I took a deep breath and exhaled pleasantly. Being imprisoned in my own home, I had almost forgotten how fresh air tasted.

As I flew through the orange evening skies of Equestria, I could hear civilization as I got nearer to Ponyville, peaceful and gentle as always. I brought myself to a halt when I spotted five ponies on a grassy hill in the outskirts, enjoying the beautiful sunset Princess Celestia had bestowed upon our wondrous kingdom.

A single, yet powerful teardrop slid down my cheek. Nostalgia and regret came crashing down on me. I still recalled those days, back when our strong bonds of friendship kept us together. We found no sorrow or pain knowing that we had real friends standing right by our side.

But now, given the circumstances, I wondered if they had moved on with their lives. If they had erased me from their minds, if they no longer considered me as their friend... or even somepony they met. My soul weighed me down like stone at those thoughts.

“Goodbye girls... it’s been truly amazing to have met you all… thank you for being the best friends a pony could ask for.”

After I bid my last farewell, I flew away quickly before they could spot me, heartbroken that I could never recover them again.

---

“It’ll be night very soon,” Twilight Sparkle sighed in disappointment, gazing at the sun slowly hiding behind the mountains on the west horizon. She watched as the moon took its place. A gentle gust of wind whistled through the grass.

The five friends had reunited in the green hill where they’ve always enjoyed having picnics together. A vanilla round cake with Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark as frosting rested in the center of the tablecloth, the words ‘Welcome Home Dashie!’ written on the dessert in an elegant manuscript style. “I guess we should start packing up...” Twilight stood up from the soft grass, covering her mouth with a foreleg as she let loose a tired yawn.

Before anypony could react, Pinkie Pie sprang from her place in a snap, taking hold of Twilight’s shoulders with both hooves.

“No Twilight, wait!” she pleaded, hastily. Her blue eyes trembled as the tears struggled to break through, the corners gleamed faintly like a sparkle in the moon’s light. Her pink mane was no longer poofy and messy. Instead, a straight and slim cut had replaced the joyfulness of Pinkie Pie. “Let’s wait a bit more; m—maybe she’ll come!”

Calmly, Twilight blinked and gently freed herself from her friend’s tight grip, shooting her a saddened look. “I’m sorry Pinkie, but I’m afraid she’s still not ready.”

For a moment, Pinkie Pie remained unmoving. She no longer had the strength to hold back the tears as they streamed down her face. Then she sat down in the smooth green field, burying her face into her forelegs as she let out a sob. “I miss her so much… and all of it, it’s our fault,” she sniffled. “I wish we could do something to make her happy again...”

Fluttershy put on a comforting grin and kneeled down before her crying friend. She pulled her into a tender hug as she affectionately stroked Pinkie’s flattened pink mane with a hoof. “Don’t be sad, Pinkie Pie. We all miss her too, but we can’t afford to make the same mistake again...” her gaze held a great amount of pain for a second, but she did her best to cheer up again. “No need to worry, I’m certain that time itself will heal her poor wounds. I hope…” the last sentence came out as an inaudible whisper.

“But... but...”

Applejack trotted over to Pinkie Pie, gaining her attention as she placed a hoof against her back. “Ya know Rainbow Dash is in pretty rough shape. I would be too in her hooves,” she jerked her head away. “It’s been only three days since her release... if she needs more time alone, then we can’t do anything about it, sugarcube.”

“I feel so sorry for her, she must’ve felt so lonely and gloomy in that place,” not looking at her friend’s eyes, she asked, “Applejack?”

“Yes, Pinkie Pie?”

“Does... does that make us bad friends?” her voice shook with each word she let out. “Not being able to help her?” Pinkie expected some kind of answer, comforting words that would make her feel better. But all she received was silence from Applejack. When she glanced at Fluttershy and Twilight, Pinkie noticed they were brokenhearted too. None of them could bear to answer her question. They knew they had failed in the most important aspect of friendship.

As Pinkie Pie let her sobs out, they became stronger than ever before. However, a levitating handkerchief wiped away her waterfall of tears. Looking upwards, she saw Rarity offering a helping hoof, wearing the warm smile a true friend would always have. Pinkie accepted it, returning the grin, and stood up from the ground.

As the Element of Generosity, she did the same to the rest of her disheartened friends. Their anguish was dispelled as Rarity’s hope was shared among everypony. They were reminded that her beautiful heart would never rest until they had a smile on their face. Be it a completely customized dress for the gala, or cheerfulness in the depressive days.

“Despite of the circumstances, girls, don’t ever forget that we are still Rainbow Dash’s best friends,” Rarity stated reassuringly, gazing at everypony. “Although she may not see it that way anymore... we must be there for her when she needs us. Only then, will she happily embrace her life once again,” her words had reached through everypony’s hearts, relieving her friends from most of their pain.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Pinkie sniffled as she cleaned the last tear off her face with the small tissue Rarity gave her, but she was still engulfed in sorrow. “I’m not in the mood for spending tonight all alone, as the Cake family will be away for the weekend; they’ve put me in charge of the business. So, umm…” she hesitated, glancing down as she poked the grass with her hoof, a little bit embarrassed. “Would… any of you girls want to sleep at my place?”

Twilight gasped in excitement, her eyes gleaming with joy. “We should totally have a slumber party!” she exclaimed, clapping her hooves. “I’m sure that will cheer us up.”

“Yay! That’ll be so fun!”

As everypony agreed upon the wonderful idea, Pinkie Pie’s sadness was replaced by happiness in an instant as she began to hop joyfully in place. Her mane remained in its flattened state though.

“Why, yes,” said Rarity smiling, “that would be most delightful. You girls should go on ahead, I need to make sure Sweetie Belle is alright, seeing as she has gone to Sweet Apple Acres,” she glanced over at her friend Applejack, clearing her throat before speaking. “Applejack, would you be so kind to accompany me while I’m at it?”

“Sure thing, Rarity,” she gladly replied. After a small farewell, the five friends trotted their separate ways. Applejack’s expression turned grim after some time of walking, when they were about to enter the farm. “Apple Bloom has gone with her too. If I have to guess… we’ll find them near their clubhouse.”

“Oh my…” Rarity halted, slightly lifting a hoof in a pained gaze. “Scootaloo passed away at such an early age, and on her birthday no less. What a horrible tragedy had fallen upon our dear Ponyville...”

“Poor Rainbow Dash,” Applejack continued. “Having to endure that kind of pain for the rest of her life… it simply breaks your heart,” she removed her hat and looked upon the shimmering stars above. “I can only wish we can get Rainbow back.”

---

By the time I had reached Sweet Apple Acres, the moon had risen high into the sky, giving birth to the night. The atmosphere changed drastically. No longer could I hear the noises of Ponyville. Instead, only the peaceful sounds of nature, the soothing sound of the wind, the tree branches moving in the windy night, even the occasional ‘hoot’ of an owl. I landed halfway there and started walking. I had an awkward but strong desire to listen those sounds fully, maybe because I’d been excluded from the outside world for a month.

As much as it seemed serene, my mind only grew more troubled and uneasy the closer I traveled towards my destination. Countless apple trees passing me by as I made my way through the apple orchard.

After several minutes of walking, I had finally arrived to the most secluded section of the farm. There I saw it, the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse in an open area of the orchard just as I remembered it. Perhaps a bit run-down, like it hadn’t been used for a while. But I didn’t give much attention to it. The disturbing part was resting right below the structure.

A small cross made of wood. A purple helmet resting on top of it. The red cape of the CMC securely tied onto it. A couple of flowers bringing peace to the deceased pony in its final resting place.

I remained utterly still, shooting a disturbed gaze at the haunting sight before me. I felt vivid memories of the past start manifesting themselves through my mind.

It was this same day five years ago, when everything started… when it all began.

~*~*~*~*~

“Rise and shine, Rainbow Dash!” a familiar voice from a filly exclaimed with such an enthusiastic yell, it made my eardrums ring. She was overflowing with excitement.

I felt something hop over my stomach, slightly knocking the wind out of me. I tried changing positions and falling asleep again as I lay resting on my bed, but she wouldn’t let me.

Accepting defeat, I finally asked, “Is that you, Scootaloo? How’d you get all the way up here?” I yawned for a prolonged time, opening my tired eyes. I saw the little filly right on top of me, a huge smile plastered on her face. Then I took a glance at the clock in a nearby shelf. She had woken me up a little bit too early. “It’s barely even eight in the morning! Why the sudden rush, kid?”

She replied with a silly chuckle, “I asked Pinkie Pie to drop me here with one of her crazy flying contraptions. Besides, don’t you remember what day it is today?”

“Umm... is it the annual Running of the Leaves race event? Darn, I don’t remember signing up for that...”

She gave me a disapproving look. “...Seriously?” Scootaloo was so gullible at the time, as expected from a filly. But she looked so adorable when I joked around with her like that. I couldn’t help but to keep doing it.

“Heh, I was just kidding with you kid. Of course I do! Come here…” I pulled her close to me and messed up her purple mane with a hoof, giggling happily together. “Happy birthday, Scootaloo! And I’ve got the perfect surprise for you.”

“Really? Wow, thank you so much, big sister! I can’t wait to see what it’s gonna be, we’ll have a blast for sure!”

Big sister... I never thought I would be addressed with that title. Since our camping trip in Winsome Falls along with AJ, Rarity and their siblings, our ‘sisterly bond’ blossomed together. I even had adopted Scootaloo as my little sister a few days after that. Greatest choice of my life.

I didn’t have to fill out a bunch of paperwork and all that fancy pants stuff for the adoption to be... legal. It was a strong feeling of devotion that simply united us. We started treating each other like sisters, and that pretty much did the trick.

To teach Scootaloo everything in my book and take care of her, that was my new dream. One that I vowed to myself to make true. Besides, it was pretty cool to have the little sister I never had, the same goes to Scoot.

I baked a chocolate cupcake for her to celebrate her birthday, she really loved chocolate. It didn’t turn out as well as I thought, as it got a ‘tiny bit’ burned… okay, okay. It came out completely toasted. But it didn’t matter. She blew out the candles with probably the widest grin a filly could make. Scootaloo was happy. I was happy. That’s what mattered to me.

It seemed like destiny was just toying with us, giving us happiness on a whim, then having it taken away so easily. Because later that morning, I gave her that special surprise she had anticipated so much: a private flying session where I performed amazing stunts while taking her under my wing.

Something went wrong, terribly wrong...

It transformed what could’ve been a truly memorable gift for her birthday into a complete disaster.

The memories of that fateful day were still blurry to me, as I’ve been trying to forget all about it. Although there’s one thing I do remember. Before we took off into the skies, the atmosphere felt a bit ominous. I couldn’t explain it, but there was definitely something not right.

“Hellooo, earth to Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo knocked on my head a few times.

“Huh? Wha—what?” I said, cluelessly, shaking my head a bit.

“You feeling alright, sis? You were acting a little weird just a while ago.”

“Oh, um, yeah I’m alright. Just... you know, warming up for the take off.”

Scootaloo adjusted her helmet strap a bit tighter. The adrenaline being pumped through her veins was noticeable in the determination of her voice. “If you’re finished, then let’s rock & roll!”

So we took off...

The skies were completely clear that day, there wasn’t a single cloud in sight. It was one of the rare sunny days in the middle of autumn.

I was carrying her, showing Scootaloo what it felt to be alive and free as we graced the skies of Equestria. I realized too late it was a big mistake. I was blind enough not to see the error of my ways until there was no chance to save her. I was aware she wasn’t riding on my back anymore when I heard that scream, that petrifying, horrifying scream.

“RAINBOW DASH, HELP ME!”

How could I have been so careless?! I had one task… to make her birthday only the most awesome and amazing of all! Not her last! But… but, oh gosh, if I had noticed it sooner… even by a bit, I could’ve saved her.

I swear to Celestia, I was flying as fast as lightning! But the point where I couldn’t go any faster was inevitable. We weren’t flying up that high, so the ground got closer and closer, giving me mere seconds before the impact.

“Hold on, Scootaloo! Just give me your hoof, I almost got you!”

Scootaloo’s wings proved to be useless as they were still too small to keep her aloft. She wanted to scream so badly, to unleash the terror from that shocking moment. Instead, she put all her effort in reaching her right hoof, almost touching mine, just inches away…

“Almost got you… almost—”

But every hope of making it was vanished in the blink of an eye. Scootaloo simply ceased to be... when a loud crash echoed throughout the land.

“No… NOOOOOOO!” This can’t be happening!

I carried her unmoving body in my forelegs to the Ponyville hospital as fast as I could. I hoped that she could still be saved, but it was all in vain.

“Please, Nurse Redheart! She has to live, there must be something you can do! A—anything at all, you just gotta help her… p—please.” I begged in a pained voice to the red-haired nurse standing right in front of me, barely holding back my tears.

Nurse Redheart was at a loss for words. She didn’t have the courage to look me in the eye, and I didn’t blame her. Being the bearer of bad news was a horrible task I bet. She simply placed a hoof on my shoulder, looked at me straight in the eye, and said these fateful words.

“We’re so, so sorry, Rainbow Dash, but Scootaloo will not live. I won’t go into medical details unless you want me to. I can assure you however that she’ll not feel anything on her passing. I wish I could help her, I really do. But I’m afraid Scootaloo has passed the point of no return...”

Her words struck me like a mace shattering my heart to pieces. I didn’t want to believe what I heard. Scootaloo, my sister, my only and loved little sister… dead. There was nopony else to blame but me. It simply destroyed me from the inside. I dropped onto my knees heartbroken, on the brink of tearing up. I managed to find the words and strength to ask.

“Her burial… when can it be held?”

“We’ll start making preparations as soon as we can. It should be ready by nightfall. I’m again truly sorry for your loss, Rainbow Dash…”

Even though Nurse Redheart must have seen countless other patients pass away on her shift, she carried a genuinely saddened gaze. Scootaloo was just a little filly after all…

The night of the funeral couldn’t be any more different from today. Every single pony from Ponyville, including my best friends, were in attendance. The crusaders: Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom were in the first row. And Babs Seed, who traveled from Manehattan as soon as she heard the tragic news, made it to the ceremony just in time. She was also sitting in front along with her pals.

From a request made by the crusaders, Mayor Mare agreed to bury Scootaloo in front of the CMC clubhouse, her crusader cape and purple helmet remaining on her tomb. However, I kept her scooter with me; I wanted something to remember her by on my ever-lasting mourning days.

Mayor Mare delivered a truly touching and professional speech as she always does. She sowed the eulogy seeds for the energetic filly who always rode on her blue scooter at full speed, often causing trouble for everypony in town. Despite everything, all of the pony villagers always had a great liking of her.

We all grieved our last for Scootaloo, as she would never be forgotten from our hearts.

~*~*~*~*~

Those vivid flashbacks and weeping ponies surrounding me were only illusions created by my brain. They were starting to slowly fade away, leaving me once again all alone in reality, standing right in front of Scootaloo’s grave. Tears formed in my eyes as soon as I ceased recalling those tragic memories.

I walked to her tomb step by step, holding the need to sob on the way. The wind suddenly blew stronger, making the tree branches move wildly and causing my mane to cover half of my face. I could sense a familiar aura, a comforting presence around me.

As soon as I reached Scootaloo’s final resting place, everything quieted down. A gentle breeze of wind brushed my entire body with a pleasant feeling of serenity, almost like it was trying to whisper something to me.

“You would’ve turned fourteen by now... h—happy birthday Scootaloo,” an involuntary sob escaped from my mouth. “You had so much left to live… so much to discover… so many dear friends and ponies who loved you. And a destiny to be fulfilled in the long life ahead of you… all of it gone to waste because I couldn’t save you…”

Unable to hold it for any longer, I broke down. My head leaned against the wooden cross, crying harder than I’ve ever done before, because it would be my very last. I had endured this pain for far too long. I lost my best friends because of my actions. The filly I adopted as my little sister had died because of me.

I simply could not withstand that huge weight of guilt anymore.

“I’M SO SORRY!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, high into the glistening stars in the night skies. How can part of my name be ‘Dash’ if I wasn’t fast enough to save a pony I truly held dear to me. I thought. “Please, forgive me, Scootaloo,” my voice dropped into a faint whisper. I pulled her helmet close to me as I kept weeping my heart out.

A minute had passed before I rose up once again from the ground. Letting out a sigh, I yanked the poison hanging from my neck, and stared at it while it rested on my right hoof. I wished to die right beside Scootaloo, and put an end to all the misery I had gone through.

My mind was blank.

I removed the tap of the bottle and slowly lifted the flask up to my mouth, its contents on the edge, ready to be poured inside me.

There’s just so much that time could not erase. My wounds have bled to their limits. I don’t deserve to see the light of dawn ever again...

There was the slightest moment of hesitation. As soon as I felt the liquid touching the tip of my tongue, I shut my eyes. Then the poison slowly made its way through my throat. It was way too late for any chance of regret.

“Rainbow Dash, is it really you?” said somepony from behind.

“Gah!” I yelped.

Astonished by the mysterious voice calling for me, I dropped the flask onto the ground, the rest of the liquid spilling down into the grass. Turning around, my eyes couldn’t believe what they saw.

It was Scootaloo, standing a few yards ahead of me!

The wind made her purple short mane and tail move freely. Her expression was in a saddened frown.

“S—Scootaloo?! What the... but... how can it... be...” I stammered, left speechless at the sight before me.

“Scootaloo? What are you talking about? It’s us, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.”

I rubbed my eyes thoroughly with my left foreleg, and opened them again. It was clear enough, they were Applejack’s and Rarity’s siblings, a little taller than I had remembered them before. I let out a faint gasp when I spotted a piece of their cutie marks adorning their once ‘blank flanks’.

Since the incident, I just couldn’t show my face to the crusaders anymore. It pained my soul so greatly that I had killed their best friend, and that she never discovered her cutie mark.

I closed my eyes and lowered my head sorrowfully, unable to make eye-contact with the two of them. I wasn’t planning on flying away this time.

“I don’t blame you girls if you hate me… or if you want to see me banished in the moon, or incinerated in the sun,” my voice came out without any emotion.

In fact, I deserved that horrible sentence, but neither Princess Celestia or Luna approved. In all these years, I never knew the reason. Why spare my life after taking away a little filly’s one?

They didn’t answer back. Instead, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle trotted towards me and pulled me into a hug. Even though I couldn’t see their faces, I could tell they were smiling. I didn’t know how to feel or how to respond, it wasn’t the reaction I hoped for. I just stood there, blankly, not moving a hoof.

Sweetie Belle slowly let go of me, and gently lifted my chin with a hoof to gaze at my eyes. “We wanted so much to hate you… to hold a grudge against you…”

Apple Bloom was the next to let go, taking a few steps backwards. She remained at her friend’s side. “The Cutie Mark Crusaders… well, former that is, now that we have gained our cutie marks. It ain’t the same anymore without our dear Scootaloo.”

“But it was an accident,” said Sweetie Belle, wearing a small grin as she placed a comforting hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “It can happen to everypony… tragic and unfixable at times, but still only an accident. We had already forgiven you five years ago.” She had a warm smile, placing a hoof against my chest. “And we know for sure you would gladly give your life away in order to save Scootaloo’s.”

There was no doubting what she said. If I could travel back in time and sacrifice myself so that my little sister could still be here, I would do it in a heartbeat. As I would have done it for Rarity, and the rest of my best friends when they could’ve met their doom if I hadn’t saved them.

“Rainbow, you came here because it’s Scootaloo’s birthday, right? You came to visit her?” asked Apple Bloom eagerly.

I replied with a nod.

“We’re here for the same reason,” Sweetie Belle continued. “Please Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo wouldn’t have wanted for you to stay sad. So why don’t you come with us back to Ponyville? We were about to go there once we spent some time with our dear friend.”

I sighed, jerking my head away. “I don’t know girls… I’m not sure if I can handle it...”

“Oh don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Apple Bloom smiled as she ran behind me and started to push. “Come on y’all, I can’t wait to see my big sister’s face and the rest of the gang when they see you.”

“No, you don’t understand! I don’t know how much time I have left before I... I...”

“Before what?” Sweetie Belle took a few steps towards me, distress was notable in the look of her gaze.

My end was drawing near. The symptoms of the poison had finally taken effect, and with unbelievable speed too. A searing pain stung my chest. Dizziness and a strong headache swelled in. The landscape moved like tidal waves in a storm. Then I hit the ground hard, a constant beeping noise resounding throughout my ears. I felt like I was being choked as I struggled to breathe.

“Rainbow Dash, what’s wrong?!” I heard Sweetie Belle cry out, her hooves pushing against my chest to help me breathe. “Rainbow, RAINBOW! Oh Apple Bloom, what should we do? She’s barely breathing!”

“Somepony, help!” her friend Apple Bloom screamed at the top of her lungs, frantically looking in all directions. “The life of my friend is in danger, if anypony can hear me... PLEASE HELP!”

Feeling... faint...

My blurry sight managed to spot in the distance a pony wearing a hat, and a unicorn beside her, galloping towards me.

“Applejack… Rarity…” I whispered their names, barely audible, my eyes on the brink of collapsing into an eternal rest. Turning my gaze to the night skies above, the last I could see was a shimmering light emerging from the full moon, and then everything went dark.

And so... this is where the remembrance of my life came to an end. After this point, I lost my memory due to the poison’s effects. The guilt and pain I’ve endured for so long vanished as I breathed my last.

I have finally found peace.

Comments

[Flaring Dawn]

OOOOWWWWWW THE FEEEEELLLLLSSS.... make them stop...please....

[Psitally]

W... Wow. Professionally written I must add. Although it was rushed in some areas it was still very well done

[shadow avenger]

Reminds me of these

By the these story was amazing

[DitzyDash]

NOOOOOOOO! not you to Rainbow!!!
Great story, I really thought Rainbow was going to pull it off there... I'm crying. Awesome writing though.

[Lightning--Dasher]

I started crying the minute that Rainbow Dash told us about the Flask.....