The World-Jumper

by NightmareDash

A Chaotic New World Pt. 4

As he bounded over the shrubs, Jack continued to search for any sign of Rarity. With no signal as obvious as balloons to go off of, he really had no option but to just scan for abnormalities in the maze. That included a thundering rumble that shook the ground about him. Turning to its source, he found what seemed to be a depression in the maze, another abnormality in and of itself. Perching himself on a ledge above the depression, he was startled by what he found below: Rarity was racing down a ramp, trying to escape a massive boulder following her. They banked several corners, and after following them for a few seconds, Jack realized the path she was on was a closed square. Discord must've trapped her in some sort of Escher's stairs, so the boulder would always roll after her. This meant no exit for the thing to be stopped by, and thus, no Raiders of the Lost Ark-style escape. Such a situation called for direct intervention. Jack slid down the embankment into the lower section of the maze, then climbed back on top of the foliage. Once again leaping over passageways, he tried to keep his eyes on Rarity as she circled the path. Her voice rose and fell as she ran by him, and he had to shout just to be audible.

"Tooo-oommm! I'm sorry I pushed you away, but if you wanted a divorce, we could've just gone through the courts like a normal couple!"

"Rarity!"

"Oh, hello, Jack! I'm in a rather slight jam here. This is Tom, my ex-rock. We're having a bit of a spat at the moment, and he won't give up!"

"I see that! I'm going to get you out of here! Listen, next time you pass me, jump and reach out for me! I'll grab your hoof and swing you out!"

She pulled around the bend approaching him, his arm extended for her to grasp. As she (and the boulder) approached, she took a single bound, then leapt up for him. Her hooves wrapped around and clutched his hand, and he redirected her momentum radially to swing them both to the other side of the hedge. The two of them tumbled headlong to the cobblestones, slowly forcing themselves back upright.

"So...Tom?"

"It is a very long story, Jack, but put concisely, never get yourself into a sedimentary relationship."

"Good one."

"It was, wasn't it? Oh, I would say so, Rarity! It seems Jack's wit is starting to rub off on you! Though I'd hope it's the only thing."

Discord had pulled another appearing trick, standing before them.

"You know this is starting to get predictable, Discord. Very unlike you, I'd think."

"I know! But since being predictable is about the least predictable thing I could do, it just makes it even better!"

All this exclamation elicited was a pair of blank stares.

"That does make sense, right? I know I'm all into not making sense and all that, but if you can't understand what I'm saying, it really messes up the witty banter."

"I think I follow, and for once I sympathize. What point is there in being powerful if you can't get a few laughs out of it?"

"Exactly! But I digress; how have you been, Rarity? I see you and Tom are finally un-tying the knot. I do hope things went well during the proceedings!"

"Wait a sec, just for the record, are we still in the witty banter section, or have we gotten to the part where you try to corrupt Rarity's soul, because if that's the case, I may want to take some notes."

"Corrupt my whaa..?"

"Oh yes, thank you for reminding me, Jack! I decided to shake things up a bit, drop the dramatic monologue idea. Instead, to cater to our guest of honor's more, ahem, high-class tastes, I've given my speech a cultural flair. Now, I present to you..."

And with a snap, crackle, pop, cue spotlight and microphone, and a pair of hipster shades for Discord.

"...Poetry on the Values of Generosity." snap

"Wait, poetry?"

"First up, haiku.

The generous give
Until poor, while the stingy
Live long and prosper

Second, a sonnet.

The Element of Generosity
Lives as a truly sad pony, indeed
Condemned to a future atrocity
Forced by her Mark to help others in need
What shall become of her penchant to give?
She'll never profit of it, that is clear
Au contrare, I say, for how's she to live
When all that's hers goes to those she holds dear?
When money for food goes to the needy?
Will she willingly starve, just for their sakes?
'Twer better for her if she were greedy
For having a home, a happy heart makes
When she's lost it all from helping the poor
Then all her charity will be no more

And finally, a limerick.

There once was a pony named Rarity
Whose life was wasted on charity
All that was hers
Was given to others
Now her life's spent in despair-ity"

Taking a sweeping bow, Discord looked up to find a startled Rarity and a bemused Jack. The former was definitely on the verge of a break-down.

"Oh, it's true! If I'm generous, I'll bring ruin to myself, and how will I be generous then? Not only will I fail my Element, I'll be failing my Element as a destitute proletariat! Oh, what am I to do now? I'm so pathetttic!"

Mission accomplished, Discord thought. She's lost her marbles about the whole thing, and not even Jack West could outdo that genius wordplay!

"Well wait a second, the show's not over yet!"

"What show, Jack? I've a horrible Element that I could never hope to live up to, what kind of show could be made of that?"

"I'll show you. Now, Discord, truth be told, I never really cared for poetry. Too hard to understand in most cases, if you ask me. But, there is one kind of metered verse I am quite enamored with."

"Really, what's that? Because I really do care so much about it."

Jack reached into the inside breast pocket of his black jacket, pulling out his iPhone. Not a weapon anyway, so he figured it would still be there. He flipped through the menus, opening music folders until he found what he was looking for.

"Hey, could I borrow an amp?"

"Ughh, if you must..."

With a snap of the claw, a good-sized amplifier materialized at Jack's feet. He plugged in his phone and started the beat.

"So, that metered verse you are quite enamored with is...?"

"Rap. Let's do this, punk.

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Jack West

Versus

Discord

Begin!

You may think that this battle style is crazy or strange
But poetry's outdated, so it's time for a change!
Jack West here, the best here, the one that you had best fear
Take ya to the curb for Rarity then go save all the rest here
I'm an ace of all trades, like her ace in the hole
You're not playin' with a full deck, so it's about time you fold
You think you can corrupt her soul and that I will just stand right by it
But I've beat your sorry ass twice so expect me to defy it
Now generosity, self-defeating? That's a load of horse crap
You gave it what you've got, and that's a very bad rap
It doesn't matter what is given, be it large or small amounts
'Cause it's like they say at Christmas, "It's the thought that counts"
You hear that? 'Least she cares, 'least she thinks of her friends
She's the Element of Caring, and that never ends
She'll do all she can; more than can be said for you
That's why you'll die with no friends, 'cept those crazy-ass balloons"

"A rap battle? I'm intrigued! Just think of the fun
I'll have had with your minds by the time that I'm done!
You think you'll beat me? Please, your skills have gone cold
Do you think you're the only ace in Miss Rarity's hole?
The Elements, what's this, time number 3?
For all your best defenses, you still lost them all to me!
I'm the God of Chaos, you're a freak on a leash
So bat-shit insane, I can't believe you're in one piece
And Rarity, do you really trust this whack to save the day
When his fashion sense is straight-up Fifty Shades of Grey?
Jack, check the weather on your little iPhone thing
'Cause all over the West, a big ol' chaos storm's brewing!"

"Oh yeah, insult my style. At least I've got clothes!
In the end, you're the bad guy, so who ends up stoned?"

"I hope you realize your chances are thin
I have the power of the god, there's no way you can win!"

"Ha! Don't bring up power, dude, I've got more than you!
I've got 21 guns that'll chop you in two!

"Oh, I'm so scared! So where are they now?
This is my world, Jack, so your power's got no 'pow'!"

"I don't need my guns when you're too scared to fight!"

"Yeah, well, you're stupid!"

"You're stupid!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Errgh!"

"Arrgh!"

"STOP!
I will fight my own battles, now that I may
And Discord, to you, I've quite a bit to say!
You! You ruffian, you cowardly thing,
If this be your kingdom, then death to the king!
I mean this, you monster, you're a living mistake!
Whoever spawned you has very much atonement to make!
I'll finish this with style, like I do my designs
You ought to retreat, or do you want me to WHINE!?"

"Alright, even I don't need to be told twice to avoid that. See you on the flip-side, dawgs."

And Discord ducked into the face of his amp, reaching a claw back out to grab the handle and pull it through with him. As the device imploded, Jack barely managed to unhook his iPhone before the cord was sucked in.

"Whoa!...I'm not giving this thing up so easily."

In place of the amp was left a gemstone-embedded necklace, and what seemed to be an ivory tusk. Was Discord making a Fleetwood Mac reference, did elephants exist in Equestria, or was this something else entirely? It turned out to be the third, as the tusk flung itself upon Rarity's head, reattaching itself as her lost horn.

"My horn! I finally have my horn back!"

"Well, at least that's taken care of. Discord gives you back your powers when you get your Element."

"Oh, indeed. Very nice rapping, Jack. I never thought such a base style of music could be so much fun to compose!"

"Yeah, cool... call me when this is over and we'll...uhhh...mix beats together sometime. But right now I've probably got the biggest problem of the day on my hands."

"And what could that possibly be?"

"Discord's following the pattern of the Cutie Marked shrubs from the beginning of the maze. He's already hit Applejack, Pinkie, and now you."

"So that means...?"

"His next target is probably our weakest: Fluttershy."

---

Mantling over the shrubs, Jack once again searched to find a trace of Fluttershy's path. Discord would almost doubtlessly have a trap waiting for her, and based on what he had seen, she would need the most support of any of the 6 when he tried to break her spirit. But as he scanned the cobblestones beneath him for any hoofprints, his ears picked up the strangest pitter-patter of wings. He stood back up to find a pink butterfly floating down the pathway. On an odd hunch (and as the best lead he had), Jack followed, jumping the bush at the end as the insect flew over. For a split-second after, he could swear he saw a yellow pony.

"Ohh!"

And almost instantaneously, that image was gone, replaced by a similarly-shaped dust cloud and an inexplicably-shaking shrubbery two feet to the left.

"Fluttershy? It's me, Jack."

As he suspected, two startled eyes poked out of the bush, soon followed by a yellow face with a pink mane.

"Oh, hello Jack, I'm sorry I jumped away from you like that. It's just, I knew Discord was going to be lurking around in this maze, so I've been kind of wound up about meeting him."

"Well, then I'm glad I found you in time. Discord's been going after all of you one by one, and I've been trying to head him off at every chance I get. He's using his old M.O. of trying to corrupt you with trickery and lies."

"I haven't seen him yet, but I'm glad you're here in case we do run into him."

"We will, but usually I met him as he was attacking. I must've gotten here sooner than before, thanks to following that butterfly."

"Butterfly?"

"Yeah, I followed a butterfly just like the one on your Cutie Mark, and it led me right to you. In fact, there it... is now."

Spying said butterfly in the air, Jack noticed some very disturbing changes. While retaining its pink-and-blue coloration, it had grown at least a hundred times over, to the size of a small plane. It had gained bulbous bug-eyes, and a set of razor-sharp teeth in its gaping maw. It looked more like some Japanese moth-monster than a real butterfly any more, and it was diving down towards them in a suspicious strafing pattern. Noticing a flicker in the creature's mouth, Jack pushed Fluttershy aside and dove away himself, his feet being licked by flames seconds later. Perfect, he thought, a fire-breathing moth monster. Only Discord.

"Get down and stay there! I'll take care of this thing!"

Jack felt around in his breast pocket for the poison-dart pen, thankfully still with him. The only problem was he couldn't hit such a fast airborne target with a ballistic dart. He would either have to stop the thing, or get on it for a clear shot. Stopping it didn't seem like an option, which only left...

"Hey big ugly! Come down here and get me!"

Waving his arms franticly, Jack hoped the taunt would not fall on deaf ears. Or antennae. Or whatever bugs hear with. Whichever it was, the approach worked. Mothzilla came swooping down across the maze, ready for another attack. This time it was reaching out its talons, trying to grab at him. Jack ran up the side of a hedge, springing off to gain altitude. As he came down, he landed on the moth-moster's back, immediately grabbing its wing to hang onto. The creature felt the disruption, fluttering backwards to shake him off. Jack's right arm slid off, gripping at his jacket pocket for the dart pen. He pulled it out, and jamming it into Mothzilla's wing, shot the poison-tipped projectile into it. The creature spiraled into a nose-dive, and Jack let himself be pulled off by the drag. As he hit the ground, he saw the moth-monster begin to shrink, until all that remained was the form of a draconequus skidding across the ground.

"blech Seriously, Jack? Tranquilizer dart in a pen? If you're going to be like that, I might as well not even play."

"Well, if you're going to be like breathing fire at us and ripping off Godzilla movies, I might as well kill you now."

"Oh yes, I'd love to see you try. But I'm ignoring our guest of honor! How are you doing, dear Fluttershy? Have I scared you out of your wits yet, or are there more left for me to have fun with? Obviously, you have half a wit right here with you."

Fluttershy could do no more than quickly backpedal, crouching ever lower with each step she took, until she was cowering behind her front hooves in the dirt.

"Oh, come now, don't be nervous! Let Uncle Discord put some of that old spunk back in you! Now let's see, how did I talk you into it last time?"

Fluttershy's head poked up an inch, so that her mouth became visible.

"Oh, you, ummm, didn't."

"What?"

Two proverbial jaws hit the floor at that moment, Discord's in sheepish shame, and Jack's in joyful surprise.

"Yes, you couldn't make me mad by saying things to me, so you, sorta, well, touched my forehead to do it."

"You're kidding me! The mighty Discord, killed by kindness! Oh, that's rich, that's just too good!"

Jack had almost doubled over in laughter.

"Hey, in all fairness, she was responding the wrong way to my questions. She said she was happy her friends criticize her because she thinks that helps her be a better pony!"

"Exactly! You couldn't do a thing to corrupt her! Even when you dropped bending the truth and outright lied to her, she was okay with it anyway! Give me a sec, I need to catch my breath and get over this."

He did so, and Fluttershy slowly rose to her hooves from the ground.

"Alright, so let me get this straight: you tried your best wordplay to turn Fluttershy into a cruel jerk, and none of it worked. Even when you lied to her, she turned your lies upon themselves, even though she didn't know they were lies. You were so thoroughly trounced, you resorted to just touching her to corrupt her. And this was all done to you by Fluttershy: a pony most would consider the weakest in Ponyville, if not Equestria. Is that it?"

"Erghh, yes, that's it."

"Then first of all, congratulations, Fluttershy. You were the only one to completely resist Discord's mind tricks. I don't even think I need to rename your Element, but based on this, Purity wouldn't be an inappropriate choice. Now, back to you, Discord. . . Are you kidding me? She should've been so easy to get to! She doesn't know the meaning of the word "resist"! You could have told her to be cruel or else a mosquito in Zebrabwe gets it, and she'd have done it willingly for the mosquito! She should've been like a twig to you! How can you call yourself the God of Chaos when you can't even outfox the simplest, most naive, gentlest pony to ever walk the face of Equestria? It'd be funny, if it weren't so pathetic. . . Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway!Bahahahaha!"

Discord was fuming now.

"Damn you, Mark Hamill."

"Hey, I happen to like Return of the Joker, uncensored version especially."

As was to be expected, Fluttershy could make neither heads nor tails of this.

"Return of the who?"

"Sorry, Fluttershy, Discord and I are prone to make human cultural references that ponies don't get. I just can't help myself, I'm afraid, and neither can he. But can you just give her the Element and her wings and let us move on?"

"Indeed, I find it best not to dwell on past failures. Merry Hearth's Warming, Fluttershy, I guess you earned it. But Jack, I'm going to get you for this next time around. And speaking of which, dash you to the next pony!"

With a corny drawback, Discord took off in a sprint, legs spinning around a la Roadrunner.

"What'd he mean, 'dash you'?"

"Oh my God. . . he's going after Rainbow Dash now. . . If he hurts her, I'm going to break him in two!"

Jack was back up on the hedges in a heartbeat, launching himself from wall to wall. Fluttershy was left behind, awestruck and frightened. She tried to holler after him, but all she could manage (of course) was a Fluttershy holler, which not even a microphone could pick up.

"Oh... please don't break him in two... the poor guy just needs a friend, that's all..."

Comments

[Enyal1o]

Woohoo it's back

[Xeravon]

Hah D just got pwned in rap.

Classic.