The girls were whispering excitingly to themselves as they followed Rainbow Dash to a secure place to learn how to use a gun.
“I can’t believe this is happening!” Sweetie Bell exclaimed.
“Ah’ hope we get to shoot some hoofers!” Apple Bloom whispered
“I know the ropes, I’ll teach you guys what to do!” Scootaloo said matter-of-factly.
“If I let you teach, you’ll end up killing all of us” Rainbow responded to Scootaloo, and the young foal returned a sheepish grin.
As they were walking, a lot ran through Rainbow’s mind. Was this the right choice? Should I really teach them how to use a gun? Will they end up shooting themselves or herself? Why was Pinkie so-?
Wait a minute. Pinkie died 20 years ago. This stopped Rainbow in her tracks. Pinkie Pie died 20 years ago when all this started. She turned into a hoofer, and Rainbow killed her. Then why did she see Pinkie in the camp? Surely Applejack saw her too; she stuffed her hoof in her mouth!
“Uh, Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo asked, confused. “Raaaaaainbow Daaaaaash!” She poked the Pegasus with her hoof.
“Oh! Uh, sorry girls. I got lost in thought.” She said briefly before continuing to move on again. The three foals shrugged and followed her.
--------------
The group walked into an abandoned shop at the edge of town, and Rainbow shut and barricaded the door behind them.
“Before we start, I need you girls to promise me something. Promise me you will do EVERYTHING I say while we're here, and you WILL NOT argue or question me, do you understand?
The foals gave their heads a nod.
“Good, now let’s get started.”
Rainbow Dash taught (and re-taught Scootaloo) the Crusaders how to handle, aim, reload, and clean a handgun and assault rifle
.
“Now, we’re going to shoot a few hoofers, It will be Scoots first, then Applebloom, and then Sweetie Bell.” Rainbow grabbed a smaller version of the grappler and attached it too Scootaloo. This version, however, had a small cord sticking out of it, which, when pulled, would fire the gun.
Scootaloo walked up to the window and looked out. “Rainbow, there are no-“A hoofer came from the bottom of the window and grabbed the foal. She was pinned to the wall as she screamed at the top of her lungs.
“RAINBOW!” She shouted. “HELP ME!”
Rainbow turned to see the hoofer attacking Scootaloo. In a rage, Rainbow charged to rescue Scoots, but before she could reach her, the infected sunk its teeth into the foal’s neck. She cried out in pain, and escaped from the hoofer, trying to crawl away, tears pouring from her eyes. Rainbow was almost there, when a Pegasus hoofer came in through the window and tackled her. She held back the ravenous pony, as she looked over to see that the dead pony had picked up Scootaloo by her head.
“RAINBOW, PLEASE H-“The hoofer dug into the back of her head with its teeth. Scootaloo screamed, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Rainbow watched her body go limp as the hoofer feasted on her body.
“NOOOOO!” Rainbow bellowed as she kicked off the hoofer and put a bullet through it, running to check on the orange foal. She bucked the hoofer’s head, decapitating it. She knelt down next to Scootaloo, and checked her body. She was dead.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Rainbow heard from across the shop. She looked, and saw Applebloom’s legs sticking out from behind a shelf, and saw the flank of a hoofer. Applebloom’s legs kicked as she screamed, and then stopped. Rainbow watched as the infected ripped off the foal’s head and ate it in a few bites. It turned to Sweetie Bell, who was sobbing in the corner. The hoofer screamed, and sprinted towards Sweetie Bell. Before it could reach her, Rainbow shot it in the head, killing it.
“Are you ok?” She asked, running over to the young unicorn.
“S-scoot-a-aloo and a-a-a-pplebloo-m are dead!” She wailed, crying into Rainbow’s forelegs.
“It’s ok, I got you” She said as she bolted out of the door, head straight back for camp.
2996923
Darn it, i was hoping no one would get that until i finished the story -_-
You are correct, have a moustache
When i finish it, i'll explain what each character represents in the orginal game (I.e Rainbow = Joel)
Ok, feedback. I'm busy, but I can tell you right off the bat what'll get you more views.
Descriptions. "in able to survive" doesn't make sense, should be "in order to survive".
You use "survive" too much. Find a fitting synonym.
Give the description more meat. That's a fitting short description you have, but the main one should be more fleshed out and tempting. As is, you've not told us much to draw us in.
Don't use your title in the description. It made me facepalm, it's super cheesy, and it gives the impression that you don't take the fic seriously.
Add it to more groups. More groups = more views = more criticism = better writing.
Try going to groups that are meant for this sort of thing. There're tons, and plenty wanting to give a helping hand in editing, prereading, or just general feedback.
Hand this thing off to everyone who you know. Get their feedback. Fix it based on their advise, and keep pestering them until they're as satisfied as they can be.
Reread. Over and over again. The day after you write it, read it line by line. That doesn't mean skim because you know what you wrote, that means read it like a new reader would. You'll be amazed what you pick out.
That's all I got for now. I might give the fic itself a lookie later, but for now it's back to my own writing! I go!
3030948
Thank you SO much!
You have no idea how much that helps me
3031143
Sure. I know how much it can help to get some feedback. Good luck!
3034292
She had Sweete Bell with her, and with Scootaloo and Applebloom dead, why would she need to fight? She couldn't have saved them.
3034820
In the first chapter where only pinkie pie and rainbow dash ?
3034853
ooooooh
Derp
Well, Pinkie was already dead, so why fight for someone who is dead?
WARNING!
STORY SPOILERS BELOW THIS COMMENT!
DON'T LOOK ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT THE STORY SPOILED
(What is out, anyway)
I don't think applejack is going to be pleased....at all. What happened to big mac, luna, celesta, granny smith and sufff?
nice story and didn't pinkie die why was she in chapter three. also why was it just Rainbow why didn't someone else accompany them. due to the events of this chapter i believe Rarity and Applejack are going to be pissed.
3153260
To answer your question about Pinkie
3156734 she is hallucinating?
3156744
Maybe, maybe not.
3156749 Excellent
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Life's Last Breath
Grammar score: 4 / 10
You have some trouble with capitalization, punctuation, and usage. Only capitalize proper nouns, the word "i," and words at the beginning of a sentence. Words like "cyan" should not be capitalized. Words like "Ponyville" should be. "You're" is the contraction for "you are." "Your" is possessive, and means "belonging to you." There's many other errors, and I advise you to get an editor.
The shouldn't be capitalized.
There should be a comma after mare, and "she" shouldn't be capitalized.
Pros
-Well, you certainly don't waste any time in getting right to the point. If readers don't like exposition, then they'd love your story, but I think you can fix it a bit, which I'll get to in the cons.
-That's an interesting device that Twilight built to allow pegasi to fire a gun. Bonus points for not going with the tired "Battle Saddle" cliche that FOE inspired.
-The first chapter is about the length that you want, ~1000 words. But, I think it could be done better and drawn out a bit more, which I will explain in the cons section.
Cons
In this section I'm a bit blunt, but that doesn't mean that I think you have a bad story. It just needs some work and then it can be a good story.
-When Pinkie asked if Dash had heard about the riots in Equestria, I started laughing. No, seriously, I giggled. I know that it's supposed to be serious, but how would Dash NOT know if there were riots in the normally peaceful land of Equestria? It's not like Dash doesn't get out much. At the very least, you should have Dash comment on what a silly question that is. That also moves to the second, and most serious complaint I have about this fic.
-It moves way too fast. Seriously, there is no setup at all. Maybe make the first chapter still be 1000 words, but spend more time building up the threat of the zombies a bit more, and have them take steps to protect the town, and then at the end of the chapter, the zombies get into the town anyway. Rather than just BOOM, ZOMBIES! like you have now. And later, we find out that Spike was infected. Boy, that would have been the perfect place for a long, suspenseful scene where Spike is running from a zombie and gets bit, and then he has to wonder if he's infected or not.
-The characters are way OOC. None of them seems to have the slightest problem with what they have to do. I would have liked to see more emotional impact. You TELL us that RD was busted up after having to shoot Pinkie, but you don't SHOW it. Add in a paragraph, at the very least, of Rainbow being shaken up about it. Also, maybe have RD, when she is teaching Scootaloo how to shoot, tell her how you should only shoot ponies as a last resort or something.
Notes Section
-I'd suggest you get a proofreader to work on your grammar. It really detracts from the quality of the fic.
-You're seriously using the dash sniper picture as your cover art? Dude, that's been done to death. Get some original cover art. You don't even have to pay for it, just browse DeviantArt for a bit until you find something you can use.
-I hope I don't seem like I'm mean; I'm not, I'm just trying to help you write a better story
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Sufficient Unto the Day
I just realized something apparently no one else did. Why in the hell is everyone the same age? -_- It's 20 years later for fucks sake.