Season 1 Episode 1 - A New Friend! The Beat Goes On
The dull throb of the bass thudded through the building, a mini earthquake that rocked the club. Ponies danced as the laser lights caused a kaleidoscope of color to bombard them. No pony noticed there was no DJ dropping the beats, the ponies too into the dance.
The Ministry of Sound was at the end of a small cul-de-sac, located on the fringes of Canterlot. It was a rather old building, one of the first built when the city was being constructed. Formerly a barracks for Princess Celestia’s guards, it went under heavy reconstruction when Fancypant’s grandparents bought the place and repurposed it.
It was a tall two story building, the main floor housing the entire club, the top floor used for a dressing room. Windows peppered the front, mostly by the large door. A staircase leading up to the second floor hugged the back wall, right behind the DJ stand. Underneath that led to a basement, housing all the electrical systems and fuses. Storage and a random assortment of equipment also lived in this room.
A bouncer stood outside, a large earth pony. He had a green coat with a buzz cut mane. The little that could be seen and his tail were a dark brown. His cutie mark was covered by a thick pseudo-leather jacket and a pair of sunglasses covered his eyes. He carefully watched the crowd of ponies trying to come in, making sure there were no problems.
An older unicorn walked up to him, shutting the club door behind him. “Any problems Silver?”
The bouncer shook his head, keeping his eyes on a pair of younger pegasi, his gaze unnoticed.
“Well if there is, just give a holler.”
“Will do.”
The unicorn snuck back inside, the music slightly dying as the door shut firmly.
=
Vinyl sighed, covering her eyes with her forehooves. Nothing changed, everyday a repeat from the day before. She looked up into the mirror, seeing nothing but blackness, the world vibrant outlines of color. She leaned forward, seeing the lines blend as she could sense the ponies downstairs, dancing away. They didn’t need her, they could just flip the auto on and the music would mix itself.
She closed her eyes. She was replaceable, no pony would notice if she was gone. Every night she’d drink herself to sleep, trying to see how long it took. It was a bit of a game to her, seeing how many bottles she could finish before her brain slipped into unconsciousness.
She placed a hoof against the glass, feeling its cold reflective surface. She could just break a shard off and end it now, the mirror nice and sharp. Her horn glowed a faint blue, her hoof an extension of its magic. The magic would block her hoof from getting cut, grasping the shard.
“Vinyl?” somepony asked, knocking on the door.
She sighed, the magic fading into nothing as she picked up her sunglasses, slipping them over her ruby eyes. “Yeah?”
“You alright? You sorta just disappeared from the booth.” There was a brief pause. “May I come in?”
She took a calming breath, slipping into her other persona, her mask. She grinned as she used her magic to open the door. “Of course you can, it’s not like I could say no.”
The unicorn walked in from earlier, his aqua eyes full of concern. His styled blue mane sparkled in the dressing room light, his white coat shining. “Vinyl is everything alright?”
She walked over to him, giving him a brief hug. “Of course it is, I was just taking a mini break. Can’t pass out during my performance, can I?” She asked.
He stared at her, looking into her sunglasses. “Vinyl, I thought we both agreed we wouldn’t lie to each other?”
“Who said anything about lying Fancy? Come on, I got a crowd to entertain.” She said, slipping right by him. “And I thought I told you to call me DJ-PON3 when I’m working?”
“You’ll always be Vinyl to me.” He chuckled, following right behind her.
“Ugh, you're just like my dad.”
“I’m old enough to be your dad.”
She rolled her eyes, taking her spot behind the myriad of instruments. She turned to look at him with a big grin, giving him a wink he couldn’t see. “Sometimes you are my dad, well, you act like it.”
He waved a forehoof warningly at her. “Be careful who you sass back to.”
She laughed. “Love you too Fancy.”
He smiled. “Knock them off their flanks Vinyl.” He said, getting out of the booth and heading back upstairs.
She kept the grin on her face, watching him leave as she sighed quietly before she aimed the mic towards her. “Well how’s the night treating you, my ponies!?” she yelled. She got a thunderous response, everypony stopping and applauded. She flipped a switch, turning the automixer off as she cleared her throat. “Enough of that, let me show you how a real DJ works!” she yelled, flipping switches and knobs as the bass dropped, the entire building vibrating harder.
The ponies screamed louder, the lights spinning almost out of control. Vinyl smiled as she watched the ponies sway to the beat, the beat only she could create. An automix could only do so much. It took a living, breathing pony to follow the ebb and flow of the music and she was the best. That wasn’t her ego talking either, everypony had stated she was the best DJ they’d ever seen.
She could sense the music beginning to ebb, flipping a switch or two as the volume lowered slightly, pushing a lever up so the backdrop kicks up as the front fades. She watched the ponies dance to the slow song. She nodded her head to the beat, letting the music take over the tempo of her mixing. She swept her gaze over the ponies, watching as they all had a good time. She eyed the bar, Shaker doing his magic as drink after drink was mixed to perfection.
Suddenly she stopped, noticing a pony that looked really out of place. He wore a ragged green coat, looking more like a tarp then a coat. He had a messy brown mane, leaves and twigs reveled in it, his tail not much better. He had a hearthstone gray coat, magged and unbrushed. He had a red scarf but instead of wearing it around his neck, he wore it around his forehead, like a headband. His cutie mark was hidden by the coat as his sapphire eyes scanned the crowd, his ears flat against his head.
She tilted her head, intrigued at how this stallion got inside. He must’ve snuck in... She shook her head, going back to the music but kept an eye on this stallion.
=
How could I ever let her talk me into this? he gulped, holding a cup of water as he scanned the club. The loud music made him flinch, his entire body on edge. I don’t even know what this mare looks like!? he sighed, reaching into his traveler’s coat and pulled out the envelope, shaking his head. Why me? Of all ponies she could’ve asked. He put the letter back, watching the ponies dance and give themselves over to the music. His head began to throb as he sipped his water, noticing the barkeep watching him closely. He glanced around and saw he had gained quite a few looks before he paused at the DJ, her glasses blocking him from looking into her eyes.
They stared at each other for a moment, some unknown conversation happening on a plane neither were familiar with. As she looked away and began rocking to the beat once more, he sighed, holding a hoof to his head. Of course it had to be her...
=
Vinyl sighed, sipping from her glass as she listened to K-C0lt mix the next song. She looked around, noticing the same colt as before, still sitting at the same spot. “Hey Shaker”, she asked, looking at the aged bartender.
His ear twitched and he walked over to her, cleaning a glass with a rag. “What can I get for you Vinny?”
She rolled her eyes. “Nothing, was wondering what was with mister shady three tables back.”
Shaker’s eyes quickly glanced in the direction she mentioned. “Ah, mystery colt. No idea; came in about an hour or two before and asked if there was a Vinyl Scratch. Told him he’d have to wait till after the club closes and ordered a water.” He scratched his chin.
She blinked, looking at him weirdly. “Are you sure he asked for Vinyl and not DJ-PON3?”
“Pretty sure, not very many ask for Vinyl.”
“Interesting...” She said, staring into her drink.
“Know him?”
“Never met him in my life.”
“Want me to call Silver?”
“No, it’s alright. I doubt I-”
“Um... e-excuse me, are you Vinyl Scratch?” a voice asked behind her. Shaker and her shared a quick look before she grinned and turned around. It was the stallion.
“Sure am but I’m DJ-PON3 at work. What can I do for you? You know I don’t do autographs at a job right?”
His face turned a shade red. “N-no, I just was supposed to deliver a letter to you.” He said, reaching into his coat. She could see a pendant hanging on his neck as he pulled out an envelope and hoofed it to her.
She grabbed it with her magic, not recognizing the writing. She looked up at him. “And who’s this from?”
“Uh... Octavia...”
“How do you know Tavi?”
He blushed, rubbing the back of his head, sprinkling a few leaves on the floor. “She’s my cousin... somehow, I never really followed the connection.” He coughed. “Well then, nice meeting you Vinyl.” He said, quickly turning around.
“Hey wait a minute.” She said, grabbing the edge of his cloak and he froze. She opened the letter and skimmed through it, frowning. She folded it back into the envelope. “What’s the big rush?”
“I... uh...”
“Don’t move!” A guard yelled, making his way through the crowd. All three ponies watched him advance as the strange stallion’s face paled.
“Well, see ya.” He said, pulling his cloak from Vinyl’s grip and disappeared into the sea of ponies.
“Wait!” She yelled, too late as he vanished.
The guard finally made his way to her, panting as he groaned. “He got away again, didn’t he?”
She nodded. “Who was he?”
“That was Prism the murderer.”
Shaker and Vinyl stared at each other. “What?!”
“Yes, now if you’ll excuse me ma’am.” The guard said, bowing before chasing off into the direction Prism rushed off to.
Vinyl sighed as she eyed the envelope. “Shaker, give me double the usual.” As soon as she finished, two glasses slid her way.
Shaker shook his head. “Fancy won’t like this when he hears about it.”
Vinyl downed the shot in one go, setting the shot glass on the bar. “Not if we don’t tell him.”
“But Vinny...”
“Yeah I know but Prism didn’t do anything, save hoof me a letter and get some water. Did he break or steal anything?”
“No but-”
“But nothing. As far as I’m concerned, he was just another crazy fan.” She quickly downed the second drink, sliding the glasses back to him. “Thanks for the drinks, put them on my tab.” She went to get up before pausing. “And no telling Fancy about this, right?”
He sighed. “Guess not.”
“Good.” She said, heading back towards the booth to talk to K-C0lt.
=
Prism sighed, getting comfy on the tree branch. No pony was in the park, the night making sure most were asleep. The moon was high in sky as he stared through the branches at the faint twinkles of stars. He faintly smiled, closing his eyes as memories slowly resurfaced in his mind, playing happily.
He suddenly felt that he wasn’t alone as he heard a clop of a hoof right underneath his tree and before he could do anything, the edge of his cloak was encased in a bluish aura before he was forcibly pulled to the ground.
As he laid there with the world full of stars, he looked up to see that pony from the club, Vinyl Scratch. He quickly got to his hooves and shook his head. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Trying to sleep.”
“In a tree?”
“Better than a bench or the ground.”
She looked at him. “You don’t live here, do you?”
He patted the bark of the tree. “You’re looking at my home.”
She looked at the tree before raising an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure that’s the park’s tree.” She paused. “Hey, why don’t you crash at my place?”
“W-what? Do you do this to every homeless pony you meet?”
“Nope, just the ones that look like they need help.”
His cheeks turned red. “I’ll have you know that I’m just fine, thank you very much.” He said, heading back to the tree. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my bed is calling me.” He said, getting up to the branch before Vinyl pulled him down again. He sighed, looking at her. “Why do I get the feeling you won’t take no for an answer?”
She picked him up with her magic, grinning. “You’re learning already!”
He rolled his eyes. “I still don’t understand why you’re being so nice. For all you know, I’ll rob you blind.”
She looked at him, the glasses covering her stare. “‘Live everyday like it’s your last’, that’s my motto.”
“Well... I still don’t think I should intrude.”
“Too bad bub, you're crashing with me.”
He sighed. “Looks like you're not giving me much of a choice.”
She smiled. “My, my... such a fast learner. How impressive.”
“Do you do this to everypony?”
“Only the cute ones.” She said, winking at him.
His face turned red as he started stuttering. She busted out laughing, her sunglasses almost falling off as he caught a glimpse of her scarlet eyes. She turned, beckoning him to follow her. He sighed, shaking his head as he stared at the ground letting her lead him. “So why are you really doing this?” he asked.
“Octavia doesn’t usually ask for help and if she trusts you enough to deliver something, then I trust you enough to let you crash at my place for a night or two. And why do you keep asking me that?”
“Because most ponies wouldn’t do that. Especially to somepony chased by the guards.”
“Well I’m not your average pony, if you haven’t noticed.” She grinned at him.
“Oh, I noticed.” He blushed slightly.
They were silent the rest of the trip till they paused outside of an apartment complex. “Wait here handsome while I make sure the coast is clear.” She said, lightly bobbing him in the snout with her tail. His face turned crimson as he stuttered a reply as she slipped inside.
This mare... she’ll be the death of me. He nervously fidgeted on his hooves, waiting for her to get back.
A few moments later, her head popped out the door. “Come on lazy bones, best to get outta the street before somepony sees you.” She said, motioning him to come inside. He jogged over, quickly getting inside and followed her up the stairs. They paused outside of a door on the very last floor. The door knob was encased in her blue aura. “I just gotta warn ya that my place is a bit... messy.” She blushed lightly.
“Like I care...” He said, trailing off as the door opened, revealing what looked like a frat party gone horribly wrong. He carefully made his way inside, mindful of the glass bottles and trash. “Sweet Celestia...” He whispered, wide eyed as he turned to look at her. “And you live in this place?”
“I... uh... am usually to busy with work to clean up.” She muttered, quickly pushing most into a pile on the floor.
“I can see that...” He said, taking off his saddlebags and setting them on the couch before bending down, picking up the trash.
“What are you doing?”
“Cleaning, I’d rather not sleep in more filth than necessary.” He said. “Where’s the trash bags?”
She rolled her eyes and disappeared into the kitchen and grabbed a couple. She came back, tossing him one as they quickly picked up. A while later, it was back to being 'clean', well, the trash picked up. She smiled at him. “Thanks a bunch, guess it was messier with the light on.”
He sighed, ruffling through his pack. “Thanks for letting me stay Vinyl, I appreciate it.”
She waved a hoof at him. “Don’t mention it.” She said dismissively.
“Um... I hate to intrude even more than I already have but could I borrow your shower?”
“Course, it’s in my room.” She said, leading him through her room and into the bathroom. She grinned. “I’ll leave you alone...” She said, shutting the door behind her.
He sighed, taking off his coat and draped it on the toilet and started to take off his scarf when she knocked on the door. “Yes?”
“Want me to wash the cloak? I have a load to do anyway.”
“Um.. sure, that’d be great.”
“I’m coming in, hopefully your decent.” She said, the door opening. She grabbed the cloak before glancing at him. She paused, something clicking in the back of her mind, like she recognized him from somewhere. She shrugged, pushing the thought to the back of her mind. “I feel bad for the plumbers.” She finally said with a chuckle and left him alone again.
He went to say something before shaking his head. He leaned in and turned on the water and waited for it to get warm. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, taking off the scarf and grimaced, seeing the remains of his past. “Never again...” He muttered, taking off the pendant and placed it on the counter, getting into the shower.
Vinyl rested in her chair, drinking straight from a bottle of cider. She glanced around the room vacantly, her sunglasses resting on her stomach. It seemed so much bigger clean, empty as well, void of anything. She saw the note that Prism had brought her. She used her magic to bring it over to her, reading it again.
Dear Vinyl,
I hate to inform you that I won’t be able to attend our usual meeting this coming Wednesday. It seems Harmonic has got us a job in Baltimare and he wants us to practice. I’m terribly sorry to say this not in pony as well. But I do have a favor I wish to ask you.
You see, the pony delivering this message is a cousin of mine, on my mother’s side. His name is Prism and he seems to be, for the lack of a better term, “in trouble” with the law. I wish for you to look after him while we get that taken care of. I think you're the only one that could deal with his, err, “odd personality”. And if you could, make sure he doesn’t know I’m asking this, it’d be better if he didn’t.
We’ll have to reschedule our usual meeting for two weeks. I’m terribly sorry.
Octavia Melody
“What’s that?” Prism asked, the pendant and scarf around his neck and head respectively.
“What?! Uh, nothing.” She said, crumpling it up and throwing it in a bag as she hastily put her sunglasses back on.
He raised an eyebrow, making his way back towards his bags and plopped down on the couch.
She raised the bottle. “Want some?”
“No thanks, I don’t drink.”
“More for me then.” She said, finishing off the bottle in one swig. She sighed, tossing the bottle in a bag. They looked at each other closely, studying each other. She noticed his cutie mark was a picture of a puzzle. “So I see you’re good with puzzles?”
“Huh? Oh, my cutie mark. Yeah, got it when I figured this thing out.” he said, holding the pendant in his hoof.
“What is it exactly?” she leaned forward, staring at it.
“No pony knows, all I know is it’s been in my family for years when my grandpa gave it to me as a joke present. Thought I would never solve it. Took me about five years before I did.”
“I see... so how much is it worth?”
“What?”
“I’m assuming you’ve thought about selling it?”
“Not at all... I’m rather fond of it. It’s helped me get through a few tough spots...”
“How so?” she asked as he quickly shut his mouth and avoided looking at her. “Come on, you can tell me.”
“I-I’m sorry... I’ve said too much...”
She was silent, studying him. “Alright then... what’s with the scarf?”
“This?” he held a hoof to it. “It’s a memento... from an old friend.”
“You do know that you're supposed to wear it around the neck right?”
“Yeah but I like it better here.”
She shrugged. “Whatever floats your fashion boat.”
“What about you?”
“Hmm?”
“Why do you always wear sunglasses?”
“Oh.” She shrugged. “Not sure, just doesn’t feel right without them. And it’s not everyday that ponies see scarlet eyes.”
“Well I think they’re... uh... pretty?” he asked, his face getting a bit warm.
“Aww, how cute. You look rather funny when you're embarrassed.” She laughed as his face got even redder. “Like that.”
“Well excuse me for trying to compliment you.” He mumbled.
“Don’t be, it was worth it.” She chuckled. “But thanks anyway.” She hesitated, a hoof on her sunglasses before she abruptly got up. “Well as much as I’d like to grill you some more, some of us have a job to do and I’m exhausted.” She yawned, heading towards her room. “Make yourself at home; need anything, you’re welcome to it. But if you want my help with anything, just give the door a knock. See ya in the morning.”
“Night...” He said as she entered her room and shut the door. He stared at the door for a moment, wondering what she hesitated for. He grabbed his saddlebags, throwing them over the couch arm and rested against them, turning to stare at the ceiling.
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Well... there is one big mistake that you're doing consistently...
When you have dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how, you must treat the whole thing -- dialogue and attribution together -- as a single sentence; if the character's sentence is meant to end with a period, you must use a comma instead, and then you do not capitalize the first word outside of the closing quote unless it's someone's name. Like this:
If the dialogue ends with a ? or !, you use those as usual, but you still treat the whole thing as one sentence and do not capitalize the next word unless it's someone's name (or the pronoun "I", which is always capitalized, of course):
Now, if the following text is not a direct attribution of the preceding dialogue, but is a separate action instead... then you end the dialogue with a period, and start a new sentence:
This is because here, you have a sequence of events:
(1) Vinyl says her dialogue. ("Aww, how cute. You look rather funny when you're embarrassed.")
(2) Prism's face turns even redder, prompting her to laugh at his embarrassment. This is a separate action from (1), because she's not laughing as she's saying the line of dialogue, she's laughing in response to what Prism is doing after she finishes speaking.
(3) Vinyl then speaks again, ("Like that."), as a separate action from either (2) or (1).
The above are just a few examples; pretty much all of the dialogue in this chapter has this punctuation/capitalization mistake, and needs to be fixed.
Aside from that... a couple of minor spelling errors:
(Also, technically, cul-de-sac should be italicized by convention, since it's a non-English word, but it's been absorbed into the language sufficiently that it isn't necessarily necessary. That's a good convention to be aware of, though; generally, if you're borrowing an unfamiliar word from another language, or if you're using a normal word in a non-conventional manner, it should be italicized. A good example of the latter is Anne McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern novels, where she italicizes between when she uses it to refer to the dragons' teleportation abilities ("going between") rather than its usual usage.)
Also: watch your verb tenses a bit more carefully; I spotted a couple of places where you mixed a present-tense verb into past-tense narrative, such as this one:
("They've" is "they have", which is present-tense; "they'd" is "they had", which is past-tense. The rest of the sentence -- "wasn't", "had stated" -- is past-tense, so "they'd ever seen" has to be past-tense as well, for consistency.)
Conversely:
Vinyl's dialogue here is all present-tense, but "welcomed" is past-tense. (Of course, this one could just be a typo.)
(Ah keep tellin' ya, if y'all would cut back on the coffee a bit, ya wouldn't be so "tense" all the time.)
(*sigh* That joke never gets old for you, does it, Applejack.)
(Nnnope.)
On the other hoof:
Yay, someone who actually knows that the possessive "its" does not get an apostrophe!
So, you get a gold star from Miss Cheerilee for that.
I'm not sure why this is being swarmed with downvotes, other than the fact that you're bringing in an OC and some people just reflexively hate anything with an OC in a starring role...
4017832
Well then... thank you for liking it?
Second, I am gonna try and fix those changes you've pointed out. Except the ending dialogue with a comma thing, flat out refuse to do it. Had a bit of an issue with it and will ignore that rule.
Third, (what happened to first?) Dragonriders of Pern, finally someone knows that series!
And yes, my verb tenses suck... I thought I'd be better by now but apparently need more practice.
WOO!! GOLD STAR! I'll take it!
And... I have a feeling if I showed you the other chapters, you'd hit me with a newspaper...
4018349
That was a very bad joke about his personal hygiene... I should really get rid of it...
4017961
Um... no. You cannot ignore that rule. That's why it's called a "rule." If you do not punctuate the dialogue with a comma instead of a period before the closing quote mark when the dialogue is followed by an attribution, as I described below, then you're doing it wrong.
4018544
I'm not supposed to no, but I do. And I live with the consequences...
4018552
What is your issue with it?
4018581
It never made sense to me... because every time I used it, I'd get yelled at. This was when I was writing another story, Tears of Snow. Another editor, kept erasing it and say it wasn't right... so I just refuse to use it. Never explained how I was doing it wrong or how to properly do it.
4018586
Then not to put too fine a point on it -- that other "editor" has no business being an editor or a proofreader, because he doesn't know what he's doing.
The end-with-a-comma rule is the correct method, and this can be easily proven simply by picking up any random book at the bookstore or library and actually reading it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply flat-out wrong; tell them to go read any English-language book published within the last 200 years.
Also:
Quotation Marks and Dialogue Mechanics
He said, she said - Mechanics of Dialogue
Fiction Writer's Mentor: Punctuating Dialogue
4018611
and yeah, I knew the stigma about OCs in starring roles, but I didn't think it got this worse were they'd downvote without at least reading. Granted, my writing style not everyone likes. I understand that...
Thank you
4018615
Oh yeah, or just click a random story that's on the Featured list. ...I guess I can give it the ol' college try and see how bad I do it. Can't be worse than it already is...