G'day!

by The Inky Brick

Chapter One: G'day!

Up in the sky, the sun beat down like…. Well, like a massive ball of flame. But perhaps, as some said, much closer than normal. Or, as some argued, larger. Or, as the more dramatic, such as, say, a certain dressmaker said, both. But everypony agreed it was stiflingly hot, despite it now being quite late in the afternoon. Nopony wanted be outside in the heat, so everypony was lurking inside, hiding in the shade, sipping cool drinks, some wondering idly if perhaps Celestia needed advice on how to use a sun properly. As such, the roads, blurred with heat haze, remained largely empty. But not quite empty. If somepony could be bothered to lift their head and listen, they would have heard a faint, rhythmic thumping getting slowly louder and closer, heading towards Ponyville. Eventually, when the thumping reached the centre of town, they stopped abruptly. Then, a voice:
‘Thanks mate!’ A dusty brown coated stallion, akubra perched upon his rusty coloured hair, dismounted his kangaroo and dropped lightly on the dirt of the road. ‘Bloody glorious weather, isn’t it?’

A few minutes later, the pair found themselves walking in a decidedly “Food” direction. They strode (Or, rather, one of them hopped) down a pathway, casting a critical glance over the buildings they passed.
‘Nice enough lookin’ place, I suppose.’ he admitted warily.

Their paced quickened slightly, now lured by a smell that promised baked goods. ‘Course, it’s not a patch on home….’ He trailed off ‘Crikey!’ he breathed ‘What the bloody hell is that?’ The stallion gestured towards a large building that looked exactly like a gingerbread house, right down to the minute decorations. A sign hanging above a door declared “Sugar cube Corner”.

‘Bloody hell,’ He said in an amazed tone ‘Foreigners, eh?’ He exchanged an incredulous look with the kangaroo, which despite lacking the more complex facial features, appeared to be mirroring his expression. They turned back and continued to stare and the sugary building.

‘Well,’ He said eventually ‘Looks like this thing’s a bloody bakery so…’ He looked enquiringly at the kangaroo, who nodded. ‘Right,’ He gestured at nearby bench. ‘Stay here and I’ll get ya something.’ Trotting up the door the bakery, still examining its unusual decoration, he pushed the door open and wandered in, the bell above the door tinkling lightly.

‘Just a moment, please!’ A voice called from the back of the shop. A few moments later, a short blue mare emerged from the kitchen ‘Hello dear, what can I do for you?’ She noticed her visitors’ apparent interest in the walls and floors of her shop and smiled. ‘First time round these parts, dear?’ She asked.

The stallions’ eyes stopped roaming the walls and focused on the mare. ‘Oh, uh, yeah… Just got here, actually,’ He cleared his throat. ‘Very, uh… Interesting place you’ve got here.’
The mare’s smile grew a bit. ‘It takes new ponies this way often,’ She said with a hint of pride. ‘Now, how can I help you, Mr…?’
‘Bruce.’ The stallion said, extended a foreleg.

‘Cup Cake,’ She said, taking his hoof and shaking it. ‘Well Bruce, how can I help?’

Bruce, now on the more familiar ground of food, regained much of his former certainty. He cast his eyes over the display of food and smiled. ‘A half dozen blueberry muffins, thanks,’ His eye travelled a little further over the display ‘And a black tea to go. No sugar.’ As Mrs Cake busied herself collecting the muffins and preparing the tea, he cleared his throat again. ‘You wouldn’t happen know any places with rooms to let would ya? Or a place I could rent?’

Mrs Cake stopped loading muffins into a box and considered it. ‘Well… You could try the new houses Filthy Rich just built. I think he’s renting them out. Just keep walking down that road for a while and you should see them.’ She said, pointing a hoof.

‘Really? Cheers for that.’

Mrs Cake nodded and finished preparing his order. ’Twelve bits in total, please.’

A faint glow appeared under Bruce’s hat, and his saddlebags opened, a shoal of golden bits drifting out and landing on the counter with a clatter. ‘Thanks love.’ He grinned, scooping his order up in his magic.

As he turned to leave, Mrs Cake called out ‘Bruce? Your change. You forgot.’ She said, proffering a few bits.

‘Ah, no worries mate. Keep the change. As thanks for the directions, eh?’ He glanced around the room again. ‘And for havin’ a beauty of a building. Right. G’day.’ tipping his akubra, he opened the door and stepped back into the oppressive heat. Wandering over to the kangaroo, he dropped the box of muffins on a nearby bench and sipped his tea. ‘Right. Dig in, mate.’

Sometime later, better fed and refreshed, the pair set off in the supposed direction of the supposed houses for rent. Occasionally, some hot looking pony would pass them by in a determined trot towards the next cool drink. They got a few confused or curious looks, but for the most part were ignored.
‘This lot seem awful calm about seeing a bloody roo walking along,’ Bruce commented. ‘Wonder what’s goin’ on? Remember Manehattan? Mobs of bloody stickybeaks staring at us.’

The kangaroo shrugged, or at least, as much as its body would allow, which wasn’t much. The pair lapsed into silence, and once again began examining the area again, until, after perhaps ten minutes steady trot, they spotted a sign outside a large, two storey house. It looked new, its fine decorations and opulence rather out of place when compared to the more humble houses of the town. The sign informed any reader that it was for rent for quite a lot of money and that they should contact one Filthy Rich to organise such a deal. Bruce was unimpressed.

‘What sort of wanker needs a house that big and fancy?’ Bruce spat. ‘I hope they aren’t all so bloody swanky.’
Then next house down was slightly smaller and less ‘swanky’ as Bruce put it, but he was still against having anything to do with it. ‘Not looking good, mate.’ He said, scowling at a particularly ornate letterbox. However, the houses for rent slowly got smaller and less ornate as they moved on, until eventually; they spotted something far more appealing. It was a small, simple looking house, nearer a cottage than anything else. Brick foundation, white wooden walls, thatched roof. Nice and simple. Bruce wandered around it, admiring it from all angles, particularly impressed by the addition of a veranda and shady trees in the backyard. After completing his circle, he grinned at his kangaroo.

‘Almost like back home, isn’t it’ He said happily, examining the sign. Once again, it assured him it was for rent and he should contact Filthy Rich, but the amount of bits per month was far more agreeable this time. ‘Well, not time like the present, eh?’ He said, peering at the address provided for Filthy. ‘Right, let’s go, mate.’ Bruce set off, heading back towards the centre of town.

After getting lost a few times and then waylaying a few passing ponies for direction, the two eventually ended up in front of what a normal person would call a very large, fine looking home, with stately gardens, a beautifully and lovingly kept lawn with flawless statues and water features dotted across it and a truly grand looking house with master craftsmanship put into every inch of its surface. Bruce however, described it as “The biggest pile of wank made into a house he’d ever seen”.
‘Right. This bloody swanky bastard probably won’t like a roo hanging around his house ….’ Bruce looked uncomfortable. The kangaroo looked offended. ‘Yeah, I’m sorry mate. You can just….’ He cast around and spotted a brown stallion wandering by. ‘Oi! Mate’ He waved at pony, beckoning him closer.

‘Uh…’ The stallion started nervously ‘Um, yes?’

‘There a park or anything nearby, mate?’

The stallion relaxed ‘Oh, yeah. Just down that street,’ He pointed. ‘And then take the third street on the left. Keep walking, you’ll see it.’

‘Cheers mate. Right,’ He turned to the roo ‘I’ll meet you there, okay? See ya in a bit.’

The kangaroo snorted and hopped away. Bruce shook his head, muttering.

‘Uh… Anything else?’ The stallion murmured.

‘Nah, no worries mate. See ya around.’ Bruce replied, waving him away.

‘Um, alright.’ The stallion trotted off, looking rather bemused.

Bruce turned back to the mansion and grimaced. After spending few minutes scowling and muttering, he made his way up the pathway to the main entrance to the mansion. Glaring at the ornate bell outside the door, he extended a hoof and smacked it as hard as he could. He then immediately folded back his ears and jammed his hooves over them as the abused bell let out a deafening clang. Gingerly removing his hooves and cursing his lack of foresight he returned to glaring at the door. Shortly, a grey earth pony stallion opened the door, looking rather disgruntled.

‘Yes? How can I help you…’ The pony took in Bruce’s appearance and sneered ‘Sir?’

Biting back a retort, Bruce replied “G’day! I’m here about one of the homes to rent.’

‘I see. Are you sure you can afford it, sir?’ They might be a little outside your income.’ The butler paused, pointedly looking Bruce over again.

Bruce grit his teeth, ‘Yes, I bloody well can. Can we just get to the point?’

‘I’m afraid Mr Rich is away. Truly sorry, sir.’ Said the stallion, in a tone that implied that he most definitely wasn’t.

‘Oh for-‘ Bruce bit down the curse and sighed. ‘Fine. Look, can I leave a message for him or something? Maybe get an appointment about this? When will he be back?’

‘Tomorrow, sir. I’m sure he’d be delighted to see you. And which house are you thinking of, sir?’

‘Number 47,’ Bruce replied. ‘When could I see him?’

‘Oh. Number 47.’ The butler sneered ’Of course. Well, I’m sure sir could stop by at noon tomorrow. I’m sure Mr Rich will have time for such vital business. Will that be all, sir?’ He said, smirking at Bruce.

If looks could kill, Bruce ‘s glare could have levelled Canterlot. ‘Nah. No worries mate. That’ll be it for me.’ He said carefully, his gaze never leaving the grey pony.

‘Very good, sir.’ The butler retreated inside and slammed the door before Bruce could reply.

Bruce walked calmly and steadily to the gate, carefully opening it and closing it behind him with barely a clink. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then: ‘Fucking wanker bastard!’ He shouted.

Some time later, after having cooled down slightly, Bruce wandered towards the park he’d sent his kangaroo to. As he walked, his mood improved a little. Most the ponies he saw, although few, seemed normal, non-wankery types, he decided. Mr Rich and his servants seemed to be the rare and possibly necessary exception.

As he reached the park, his mood improved more. It was a pleasant, shady looking area, trees dotting the soft, dark-green grass. A small river gurgled under a bridge, ending in a pond populated by ducks and, currently, a few foals giggling and splashing each other. It was a calm, peaceful place. He cast his gaze around and spotted what he was looking for: a grey kangaroo under a tree. What he hadn’t expected to see was a butter coloured mare with a pink mane scratching behind his ears and cooing.

‘G’day!’ He called, trotting closer. The mare jumped, squeaking in fright, the turned towards him. ‘I see you’ve met me mate.’ He said, smiling at her. “The name’s Bruce.’ He offered a foreleg. When no response came he lowered it slowly. ‘You alright miss? It’s okay, I don’t bite. What’s yer name?’

‘I’m, um… It’s Fluttershy.’

‘Say again?’

‘Fluttershy’

‘Speak up a bit mate, can’t quite catch that.’

Fluttershy squeaked and stared at the ground. Bruce sighed. ‘Look, it’s okay. You were curious about him. That’s fine,’ He said, jerking a hoof at the kangaroo. ‘You interested in animals?’

Fluttershy found enough courage to nod.

Bruce smiled at the small progress. ‘Wanna learn a bit about him?’

Another nod.

Bruce sat down. ‘Well, my Mate here is a Grey Sidneigh Kangaroo. They’re one of the most common types of roo in Oatsralia. He can reach speed of up to twenty Kilometres per hour and keep at that for few hours. They can reach up to 70 Kilometres sometimes, but only for real short distances. They eat mostly grasses and other plants. Him specifically, he likes Wheat-bix.’ Bruce said, rubbing his chin.

Fluttershy found her voice. ‘Um, what’s his name. If, um, you don’t mind…’

‘Skippy.’ Bruce replied. ‘He likes you, I can tell. And the ear scratches, too. He loved them.’
Fluttershy smiled and returned her hoof to behind Skippy’s ears, rubbing them gently.

‘So, I didn’t really catch your name before.’ Bruce said, shifting slightly on the grass.

‘Oh, um, I’m Fluttershy.’ Fluttershy whispered.

‘Fluttershy. Right. So, Fluttershy, you a vet or something?’

‘Yes. Well, kind of. Unofficially, I mean. Ponyville already has a vet. But I earned my Cutie Mark caring for animals.’

‘Ah. Right, right. I suppose that’s why Skippy liked you straight off, then.’ It was silent between them for a few moments. ‘Good thing he did, though. Vicious little buggers, roos. Might’ve been bad if he didn’t like you.’

Fluttershy looked shocked ‘Oh no, he couldn’t be! Just look at him!’ She cooed. ‘He’s so sweet!’

Bruce snorted. ‘Miss, I’ve seen what an angry kangaroo can do to a pony. They can kick, bite, claw and punch a pony to death. Where’d you think the idea of the boxing kangaroo came from?’

Fluttershy removed the hoof, looking somewhat appalled.

‘We’re near water, too. Don’t want to get a roo angry when it’s in the water, trust me. They’ve been known to hold a ponies head under the water ‘till they drown. Like I said, vicious bastards.’

The look on Fluttershy’s face was a mixture of horrified disbelief and fear. She was shaking slightly.

Bruce turned away from her, digging in his saddlebags and pulling out a sleeping bag and a billy. Back still turned, he continued. ‘That’s Oatsralia for you. Want to hear ‘bout a few more critters?’ He asked, turning.

There was nopony there. There was, however, a yellow and pink dot in the sky, getting much smaller as it accelerated away. He grinned. Then, he wandered over to the stream and filled his billy halfway. Placing it down next to Skippy, he nodded at the roo. ‘Go find me some kindling, will ya mate?’ Skippy nodded, ambling off to search. Bruce started collecting rocks, forming them into a circle, then joined Skippy. Soon the pair had enough wood for a small fire, billy perched above the crackling flames. Bruce dropped a few teabags in the water and lay back against a tree. He remembered Fluttershy’s look of terror and smirked.

‘Heh. It never get’s old’ he chuckled.

Comments

[Bronzedragon]

Ya got me. Mick Dundee with hooves. This ought to be good.

[Steel Heart]

Ya hit the nail on th head there mate, but seriously. Bruce? Skippy!? I fucking lost it with this one, keep the buggers comin

On a side note, who else read this in the voice of Kevin Bloody Wilson?

[Smirkythread]

I can see where this is going, Fluttershy runs into Rarity and then Bruce runs into the mother of all angry mares, who is remarkably similar to the aforementioned mare. Then Bruce just brushes her off, resulting in......well the standard fare is a series of unfortunate events that results in an amicable relations for all.

All that said, Bruce is a goddamn tosser.

[Silver Eyes]

Blood-y wanker mate, pretty sure rares doesn't wank up blood but I haven't started reading yet

[The Inky Brick]

2769441

Well, perhaps if there was an inconvenient period.
Or something. I'm not sure.
Oh well, it's an idiom, it still stands.

[stikchan3]

Ha! As a true blue Aussie I congratulate you. I've known so many people like this and to see one such Aussie in Equestria, well let's just say I fell off my chair laughing. Good job.

[monkeyXtypewriter]

Oatsralia

thats...actually thats bloody brilliant! most fics dub it as horsestralia (not sure if offensive or compliment) but oatstralia is way better!

loving the story so far if i might make a request, i ask that pinkie tries vegemite and makes the mistake most yanks do and put like a whole bloody tub on