Rokk Krinn, more often referred to by his hero-name of Cosmic Boy, brushed a hand through his normally neatly trimmed black hair as he stood upon the bridge of the star-cruiser. Reaching out through the magnetic manipulation powers common to the people of his world but for which he was exceptionally proficient in, he summoned the holo-communicator pad to his hand. Straightening his purple and black bodysuit to look in proper decorum as de-facto leader of the Legion of Super-Heroes, he thumbed the communicator on and keyed it for Brainiac 5's laboratory.
"Brainy, Kara, report to the bridge, please."
It was pretty quiet so everyone was just hanging around the cruiser waiting for trouble. Brainiac 5, who the whole legion called Brainy, came in with Super Girl (A.K.A Kara Zor-El, Superman's cousin). And since Brainiac 5 had lip-gloss on his face it was pretty obvious that they were making out again. Everyone in the legion knew that Brainiac 5 and Super Girl were a couple and agreed to keep it a secret from Superman, Brainiac 5 was scared that Superman would rip his head off if he found out since he was a bit over protective. "Any trouble?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"No, and um Brainy when did you start wearing make-up?" Rokk teased.
Brainiac 5 realized what Rokk meant and immediately wiped his face and Super Girl blush. Before anyone could say anything else the alarm went off and a red light flash Rokk turned to Brainiac 5 and asked him what was going on. "We're receiving a transmission on the emergency channel, look"
An image of a man with blue hair came up; he was dressed in armor with a symbol of a blue shield and a pink star with 6 points on his chest.
"Legion of Superheroes, this is Prince Shining Armor of Equestria requesting immediate assistance. Please hurry."
The transmission was immediately cut off, Brainiac 5 check to see exactly where we were supposed to go "Coordinates locked, the Crystal Empire."
'Awesome we got a mission.' Rokk said to myself "Set a course for Equestria, hyper-warp speed."
He turned to Phantom Girl (A.K.A Tinya Wazzo) with her being the daughter of the President of United Planets he figured she might know something about Equestria or the Crystal Empire. "Phantom Girl can you tell us anything about the Crystal Empire or Equestria?"
"Yes, the empire contains a powerful magic. Two thousand years ago (before anyone says anything this story takes place in the 31st century) King Sombra, a warlock whose heart was black as night took over the Crystal Empire. Equestria's princesses Celestia and Luna defeated him, turned him into shadow and banished him to the ice of the artic north. But not before he was able to put a curse on the empire, a curse that caused it to vanish into thin air. If the empire is filled with hope and love it will be spread all over Equestria but if hate and fear take over, eternal darkness." Rokk hung on Phantom Girls every word and with each passing second he became more aware of how important this mission was, he waited for her to continue. “After a thousand years the empire returned, the people had no memory of their kingdom before King Sombra took over. King Sombra also returned and threatened to invade the empire again, so Shining Armor and Princess Cadance were sent by Princess Celestia to defend it, projecting a defensive barrier around it. Celestia also sent her student Twilight Sparkle and her friends to help. They overcame various obstacles and reached the Crystal Heart, the key to protecting the Crystal Empire, when the barrier started to run out of power, Sombra began to cover the empire with shadow crystals and when it fully disappeared, Sombra invaded again. Crystal Heart returned to its original place. The citizens’, using its power to unleash an explosion of love and light that restores the Crystal Empire, destroyed Sombra along with his shadow crystals."
"Well that is quite a story, and do you have any idea on why the prince would request our help?"
"No, although I'm not surprised my mom told me that the rulers of the Crystal Empire have been through a lot of trouble, they even had to deal with an invasion of shape-shifters on their wedding day"
"Wow, really?" Colossal Boy (A.K.A Gim Allon) said surprised
"Yep, pretty crazy right"
"Yeah"
About twenty minutes later Rokk was starting to wonder when they'll arrive at Equestria "What's our ETA?" he asked Brainiac 5
Brainiac 5 tuned to him and replied "We should be entering Equestria's atmosphere in about five minutes and we will be arriving at the Crystal Empire in thirty minutes.
35 minutes later
The legion arrived at the castle, it was made entirely out of crystal; though that was expected and there was an enormous amount of guards. One of the guards led them into the throne room where they saw the man from the transmission, and a young woman next to him; she had long dark violet hair with moderate rose and pale gold streaks, grayish purple eyes, pink lipstick and on her shoulder was a symbol of a blue diamond in the shape of a heart. She was wearing a small tiara and a long pink dress with yellow trim. Rokk remembered what Phantom Girl said back on the cruiser and realized that this was Princess Cadance, "Welcome Legion I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Cadance for short"
As the leader of the legion Rokk stepped forward to introduce himself and his team mates "It is an honor to meet you princess, I'm Cosmic Boy the leader of the Legion of Superheroes and these are a few legionnaires Super Girl (Long blonde hair, blue eyes, a black head-band, a costume a lot like Superman's except she wears a skirt and her cape is a lot shorter. Powers: Same as Superman), Brainiac 5 (Blonde hair, magenta eyes, green skin, a mark on his fore-head that's a bit hard to describe it's sort of looks like three white circles connected with three black lines forming a v shape, and a purple and black costume. Powers: A twelfth level intelligence), Colossal Boy (Brown hair and black eyes, Powers: Can increase his size and strength to gigantic levels.), and Phantom Girl (Long black hair, grey eyes, grey lipstick, a black and white costume with a long white cape and little ghost symbol on the chest, Powers: Hence her name, she is very similar to a ghost in which she can phase through solid objects and make herself intangible. She can also make other people intangible through physical contact.)"
The princess smiled warmly, but Rokk saw pain and fear in her eyes and he knew it had something to do with this mission. "It is wonderful to meet you, your reputation precedes you" she said.
Most likely knowing that his wife couldn't tell them what they needed the legion for her husband Shining Armor stepped forward and said "I'm sure you must be wondering why we called you here, like I said we needed your immediate assistance...a threat has been made against our daughter..." he paused Rokk assumed it was because he didn't like to think about something like that, then he continued "... someone plans to take my little girl's life."
"How do you know?" Brainiac 5 asked
Princess Cadance began to tell the story "Our daughter was out back practicing her archery, when she suddenly screamed in pain, the guards came running to find her on a bench struggling to keep herself up. She told them her arm was numb and her stomach wasn't all that great either, they found a poisonous stinger in her shoulder...it would have killed her slowly and painfully and she asked them to pull it out; there was a barb so pulling it out would have really hurt and she was very brave about it...didn't even ask for anything to bite down on. Once it was out the guards took her to be treated."
"Oh man...well I promise the legion will help in any way we can" Rokk said
Then they all heard a voice "Um...Mom, Dad...what's going on?" everyone turned to see where the voice was coming from. And that's when Rokk saw her, her emerald eyes, her long red hair with a few curls that fell over her face and a butterfly hairclip, she had on a white tank top, a green skirt with two pink and white butterflies on it, and a pair of green boots (The outfit Fluttershy wore in Equestria Girls). He thought she was so beautiful.
If your other stories are any indication this will be fantastic,I look forward to future chapters.
2820242 oh thank u, ur really nice
@Dreamgirl...
1. Personally speaking, I have always loved DC's Legion of Super Heroes; the myriad young super-heroes standing vigilant to protect the bright (but not necessarily "perfect" or "utopian") future they live in, has always appealed to me.
2. Likewise, your story premise is solid. It allows for Humans-in-Equestria and CrossOver themes without having to do any dimension-hopping for such to force such a situation. Though I would have suggested keeping the Equestrians as ponies rather than humanizing them; the interstellar setting of LoSH specifically allows for non-humanoid species interaction, after all .
3. Literary Critique... Walls of text. You need to space things out better. This is not just simply separating each paragraph or speaking line(s), but also a need to better mark areas when there is a new PoV shift &/or a scene-change.
4. Literary Critique... Brainiac 5, or Brainiac, not "Brainy" during narration, not even during a character's internal monologue/thoughts. Nicknames are used during speaking lines, not during narration.
5. Literary Critique... Descriptive narration. This is your biggest negative at present. Right now, you are just dumping information at the readers feet and telling them to picture it. You need to take the time and effort to describe each character &/or scene in narrative format, or you lose reader attention & interest.
For example...
Original version:
Potential version:
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Here is another literary problem point...
Referencing MLP:EqG is fine, but again, you have to be descriptive enough about it so the readers read it and say, "oh! I get it!". Saying "it's this outfit from this movie," kills reader interest by saying, "I (the writer) am too lazy, go watch the movie or look up the wiki image."
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6. As I have said, you have a good idea and solid story premise, and one that personally piques my interest (thus the stricter critique). I want to Favorite &/or Like this, but the literary technical problems are holding me back.
7. I would advise finding an editor &/or proofreader(s), preferably familiar with LoSH. I would also suggest doing an overhaul on your first chapter before going any further. Start with a solid foundation before building the next floor up .
2822621 Thank you 4 your input, I appreciate your opinion and you being honest with me. I will make the necessary changes, but I'm glad you enjoyed my story and I do plan on writing a story where everyone is a pony I'm just not used to their pony vocab; you know everypony or somepony. But I'll try
2823449...
{oop, double post, deleted the bottom copy}
8. A good start on the Chapter 1 overhaul. As I advised, you should probably do an overhaul on the chapter as a whole. As well as try to recruit an editor &/or proofreader(s) if possible.
9. I am glad I could help with the overhaul start (seeing as you used my descriptive narrative revision). However, in using my revision, it also means you must change from 1st-person PoV narrative ("I") to 3rd-person PoV narrative ("he"/"she") for the rest of your work. Keep in mind that a PoV perspective does not necessarily have to be from 1st-person, but rather keeping the story centered upon that character. "I felt that Brainy..." and "Rokk felt that Brainy..." both say the same thing.
For example, if you start with Cosmic Boy, then any narratives &/or interaction scenes should center on him. In a television/movie, the camera would be focused upon Rokk, and would follow him from room to room. This also means that any narratives must centered on him, it cannot include others' perspectives/thoughts (until you shift the PoV). So while Brainiac 5 &/or Supergirl (one word, by the way, not Super Girl) can have speaking lines, the reader should not hear their thoughts or know their emotions other than what Cosmic Boy deduces through his observations (knowing the couple were making out by their disheveled appearance).
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10. As a creative suggestion... If you also want, since it is early in your story, you could also revamp things have the Equestians as ponies. As I posted earlier, the setting of LoSH definitively allows for non-humanoid species interaction (& even romance). As for pony speech patterns, you can simply gloss over it since it is an interstellar setting, and if Equestria is able to contact the Legion, then it stands to reason they would speak Interlac (the "Common Tongue" of the galaxy in LoSH). That way, you can dip you hands (or hooves) into the literary pond of doing pony stories, by starting with a pony & human story.
11. Which reminds me (contacting the Legion), since I forgot to mention it earlier for the Chapter 1 title: "Distress" Signal, not "Disstress" Signal.
12. I know a lot of what I have thrown as you may seem daunting &/or frustrating. But the positive is that with a fan-fiction, there is nothing wrong with going back and doing a complete overhaul in order to put out a story that you and the readers can feel satisfied with having written & read. It is all right to take your time with fan-fiction writing, and it is never too late to go back and revise things for the better.
I'm almost done with chapter 2, it will be up either today or tomorrow
Nice potential. Slight problem with Colosal Boy, you got his powers in reverse! His power is shrinking, it's just that his species starts off super gigantic. Sort of how Shrinking Violet's power is actually growth, and her species is just that small. Colosal Boy actually wanted the code name Micro Lad because of how much he shrank.