The Legion of Superheroes is called to Equestria to protect the daughter of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor from an unexpected assailant.
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Dreamgirl
Joined 19th Apr, 2013 ·
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If your other stories are any indication this will be fantastic,I look forward to future chapters.
2820242 oh thank u, ur really nice
@Dreamgirl...
1. Personally speaking, I have always loved DC's Legion of Super Heroes; the myriad young super-heroes standing vigilant to protect the bright (but not necessarily "perfect" or "utopian") future they live in, has always appealed to me.
2. Likewise, your story premise is solid. It allows for Humans-in-Equestria and CrossOver themes without having to do any dimension-hopping for such to force such a situation. Though I would have suggested keeping the Equestrians as ponies rather than humanizing them; the interstellar setting of LoSH specifically allows for non-humanoid species interaction, after all
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3. Literary Critique... Walls of text. You need to space things out better. This is not just simply separating each paragraph or speaking line(s), but also a need to better mark areas when there is a new PoV shift &/or a scene-change.
4. Literary Critique... Brainiac 5, or Brainiac, not "Brainy" during narration, not even during a character's internal monologue/thoughts. Nicknames are used during speaking lines, not during narration.
5. Literary Critique... Descriptive narration. This is your biggest negative at present. Right now, you are just dumping information at the readers feet and telling them to picture it. You need to take the time and effort to describe each character &/or scene in narrative format, or you lose reader attention & interest.
For example...
Original version:
Potential version:
.
Here is another literary problem point...
Referencing MLP:EqG is fine, but again, you have to be descriptive enough about it so the readers read it and say, "oh! I get it!". Saying "it's this outfit from this movie," kills reader interest by saying, "I (the writer) am too lazy, go watch the movie or look up the wiki image."
.
6. As I have said, you have a good idea and solid story premise, and one that personally piques my interest (thus the stricter critique). I want to Favorite &/or Like this, but the literary technical problems are holding me back.
7. I would advise finding an editor &/or proofreader(s), preferably familiar with LoSH. I would also suggest doing an overhaul on your first chapter before going any further. Start with a solid foundation before building the next floor up
.
2822621 Thank you 4 your input, I appreciate your opinion and you being honest with me. I will make the necessary changes, but I'm glad you enjoyed my story and I do plan on writing a story where everyone is a pony I'm just not used to their pony vocab; you know everypony or somepony. But I'll try
2823449...
{oop, double post, deleted the bottom copy}
8. A good start on the Chapter 1 overhaul. As I advised, you should probably do an overhaul on the chapter as a whole. As well as try to recruit an editor &/or proofreader(s) if possible.
9. I am glad I could help with the overhaul start (seeing as you used my descriptive narrative revision). However, in using my revision, it also means you must change from 1st-person PoV narrative ("I") to 3rd-person PoV narrative ("he"/"she") for the rest of your work. Keep in mind that a PoV perspective does not necessarily have to be from 1st-person, but rather keeping the story centered upon that character. "I felt that Brainy..." and "Rokk felt that Brainy..." both say the same thing.
For example, if you start with Cosmic Boy, then any narratives &/or interaction scenes should center on him. In a television/movie, the camera would be focused upon Rokk, and would follow him from room to room. This also means that any narratives must centered on him, it cannot include others' perspectives/thoughts (until you shift the PoV). So while Brainiac 5 &/or Supergirl (one word, by the way, not Super Girl) can have speaking lines, the reader should not hear their thoughts or know their emotions other than what Cosmic Boy deduces through his observations (knowing the couple were making out by their disheveled appearance).
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10. As a creative suggestion... If you also want, since it is early in your story, you could also revamp things have the Equestians as ponies. As I posted earlier, the setting of LoSH definitively allows for non-humanoid species interaction (& even romance). As for pony speech patterns, you can simply gloss over it since it is an interstellar setting, and if Equestria is able to contact the Legion, then it stands to reason they would speak Interlac (the "Common Tongue" of the galaxy in LoSH). That way, you can dip you hands (or hooves) into the literary pond of doing pony stories, by starting with a pony & human story.
11. Which reminds me (contacting the Legion), since I forgot to mention it earlier for the Chapter 1 title: "Distress" Signal, not "Disstress" Signal.
12. I know a lot of what I have thrown as you may seem daunting &/or frustrating. But the positive is that with a fan-fiction, there is nothing wrong with going back and doing a complete overhaul in order to put out a story that you and the readers can feel satisfied with having written & read. It is all right to take your time with fan-fiction writing, and it is never too late to go back and revise things for the better.
I'm almost done with chapter 2, it will be up either today or tomorrow
Nice potential. Slight problem with Colosal Boy, you got his powers in reverse! His power is shrinking, it's just that his species starts off super gigantic. Sort of how Shrinking Violet's power is actually growth, and her species is just that small. Colosal Boy actually wanted the code name Micro Lad because of how much he shrank.
You don't need to define recon, it's standard language.
3088606 I know that, the Colossal Boy I'm using in my story is from the show and in the show he grew. so yeah.
3088638 well I just did that cause some people might not know what recon is.
Well, this just got more interesting. Nice chapter.
*-Raven Talon
3245411 thank u
3247660 you're welcome
3250087
Ohhhhh ok, so that's the reference. Its funny that I've read the book and seen the movie but I would have never guessed that. That was a good one. Anyway hope the new chapter arrives soon. And I assume you've been busy with school and stuff like that. Alright keep up the good work and I look forward to the new chapter.
*-Raven Talon
3468015 thanks, I thought I'd use that since I read The Outsiders 17 times and seen the movie 9 times, anyway yeah I had a lot of school work but I will have new chapter up soon
3469480 damn girl, you must really like The Outsiders. Yeah I know how you feel, I also have a ton of school work.
anyway I look forward to the new chapter.
*-Raven Talon
3470185 yeah I'm devoted to The Outsiders, my favorite is
Ponyboy
well i hope to see you back, soon.
*-Raven Talon
3942841 Don't worry this hiatus shouldn't last long
PLEASE take all the time you need