“Hey Twilight!”
“Turn the matrix, replace that one… Spike, water!”
“Twilight!”
“Hm? Oh, hey Derpy.” Twilight’s horn stopped glowing, and she looked up from the ground outside her library house. “What can I do for you? Would you like to check out a book?”
The blond maned Pegasus shook her head. “I want to show you something!”
She pushed her mane off her forehead, revealing, of all things, a horn.
“Derpy, is that real?” Twilight asked skeptically.
“Yep!”
“So you’re…?”
“Yep!”
Twilight sighed. “This will turn out well.”
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“This will turn out real well,” Stormer said sarcastically.
“Come on. Don’t you like it?” asked Surge in his high-pitched voice.
Alpha Team-1 was currently in the weapons testing room at Hero Factory. Everyone — Stormer, Stringer, Bulk, Furno, and Breez — had to be present whenever Surge had a new invention he wanted to show off. Normally Quaddle, the main technology 'bot, was there, but he was busy doing something else.
“We would like it much better if it wasn’t powered by cheese,” Breez said. “I’m covered in it. And so are the walls. Surge, this thing expelled cheese everywhere."
That was very true. The normally futuristic, white walls were covered in all sorts of different cheeses.
“Well, my jetpacks are only powered by the finest ingredients.”
“Then why don’t you use your electricity?”
Surge hugged his weapon close. “Not my food!”
“Surge, how did you get your weapon out? That room is strong enough to keep me out!” said Bulk, the, well, bulkiest and strongest of the group.
“Electricity, a duh. Also, at least I didn't use cut cheese.”
Breez looked up from trying to get the melted cheese off. “Cut cheese?”
“Gas.”
The room was silent for a few moments. Stormer spoke first. “Surge, we don’t even eat food.”
“I do! I eat electricity!”
“Surge,” Stringer said calmly with his cowboy accent, “you have the most unholy obsession with electricity.”
Furno nodded. “It’s been only a few weeks since we were created, and already you’re doing weird things.”
“Weird. Adjective. Odd, unusual.” That was Surge.
“Like that.”
Surge went up to Stormer. “Would you like to try my cheesepack?”
“No.”
“Come on. What’s the harm?”
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“What would be the harm?”
“Derpy, I will not allow you to use magic! You are highly inexperienced!”
“Derpy? Oh, I’m still wearing my costume!”
“Huh?” Twilight looked in confusion and then shock as Derpy took her horn and pulled it over her face. Pinkie Pie emerged from the body suit. “Whew! It was getting a bit hot in there!”
“Pinkie, how were you able to…? Never mind.” Twilight shook her head. “I can’t believe I fell for that. Very rarely do pegasi become alicorns because of their inexperience with magic.” The lavender pony heard a snicker. She looked over to where Pinkie Pie was, and saw Rainbow Dash. “Where’d Pinkie Pie go?”
Then Rainbow Dash burst out laughing. “We… we got her, Pinkie!”
The pink pony bounced out from the bushes, giggling. “That really was a good one, eh Dashie!”
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash stopped laughing. “Did you just say ‘eh’?”
Just then, Pinkie’s whole body shuddered, and she said, “Twitchy tail!”
Twilight asked, “Pinkie, what does that mean?”
Pinkie Pie’s tone grew serious. “We must gather EVERYONE together.”
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“We have to gather everyone together to see my amazing invention!”
“NO!” everyone shouted.
“But why-ie?”
“Surge, nothing powered by cheese will work,” said Bulk
“When I pressed the ignition, cheese sprayed out,” added Breez.
“Cheese. Noun. The curd of milk usually pressed into cakes and cured for use as food," the blue Hero said monotously.
“Stop doing that!”
“What? You don’t want me to be smart?”
“That’s not what I meant! Just… stop saying the definition unless we ask you.”
“Fine.” Surge crossed his arms. “Be that way.” He pulled out a very odd machine seemingly out of nowhere. Is was a cube, and it pulsed colors as if it were to flow out. “I will now activate my machine!”
“Whoa, Surge!” Furno exclaimed. “That’s your amazing invention?! It’s, well, amazing!”
“Why thank you.”
“What’s it do?” the red armored Hero inquired.
“I have no clue.”
As this information processed through the Heroes’ brains, Surge said, “We’re off to press the button…”
“No, Surge!” everyone cried as a large BOOM filled the room.
This entire chapter is choppy and confusing. You opted to have almost all of the story focused on the dialogue, with movements and expressions being the only thing explained, if at all.
A reader needs a scene for the characters to be in. I can't tell where they're at or how it affects them. They could be in an abandoned hospital or an inter-dimensional vortex, we need something to go off of here. You can't just throw the characters out there to us it doesnt make for a very exciting read.
These other characters, I didn't even know their names until three or four lines of dialogue in. Plus it suffers from the same problem, no scene. I have no idea what they're doing at all. Even if you were trying to be vague with it, you overshot it hardcore. I have no reason right now to see them as relevant, other than you're talking about them. You can only do so much with dialogue. This isn't a radio show, it's a story, and the reader needs a scene to build up a world for their imagination to get into the story.
As it is, it's just a choppy collection of dialogue that looks more like a script than an actual story.