Mister Jones

by Patient X

Spilling the Beans

"Howdy." Stan awkwardly calls out to the sloshing sea of ponies before him, who collectively gasp and mutter among themselves.

"You can speak our language?" A pony in the front row, a cream colored mare with a blue and pink halved mane asks in a Flemish accent.

"Yeah...I don't really know how to explain my presence to you...life-forms." Stan cringes at his use of the word, because in his opinion he sounds like a fuckin' nerd.

Stan then realizes how nerdy he really is and then shakes it off. A tidal wave of questions crashes into Stan like a bull's horns as he tries to discern any questions from the ever-so closing in crowd of equine.

"Alright!" Stan yells, the crowd goes silent, stepping back. "Raise your hand--hoof if you have a question."

Nearly every pony in the sea raises a hoof.

"Alright...shit...you, down in front." Stan points to a brown colt with a dark brown mane sporting an hour-glass cutie mark. The stallion clears his throat, eyeing Stan for using foul language in public.

"Where exactly are you from?" The pony asks in a northern Welsh tongue.

"What City? Country? Continent? Planet? Universe?" Stan lists the options to the Welsh pony, whose eyes widen and shrugs.

"Once the librarian comes out, I'll explain everything to her and she'll put it in simpler terms to y'all." I reassure the ocean before me, which releases a collective murmur among itself.

"Stanley, here she is." He hears a familiar voice from behind him.

He turns to see Colgate standing with another pony; a purple unicorn with a dark blue mane, marked with two streaks of highlight and a six pointed star cutie mark. Around her cranium sits a golden tiara, bearing a crystal...another Element of Harmony. The unicorn stares at the human, completely agape as Stan gives her a three second once-over and smiles.

"Twilight, this is Stanley. He's...from somewhere else and needs directions." Colgate pushes the paralyzed mare towards me, whose hooves drag on the ground and make little dirt trenches on the road.

"I've...this is...Luna Eclipse!" Twilight tries to comprehend what she's seeing: an extraterrestrial, right here...for her to study.

"You're the librarian?" Stan asks like a person who's never watched the show before.

"I have no idea." Twilight's purple eyes pierce right through Stan's green ones as she looks into his very soul.

"Twi!" Colgate waves a hoof in front of the other unicorn's face, who shakes her head and blinks.

"Come in! I have so many questions! I've always wanted to talk to an alien!" Twilight hops jovially into the open door of the library as Colgate and Stan follow.

With the door closed behind them, Stan gets a good look around the library. Books, books, and more books are placed in ridiculously complex orders across the bookshelves carved into the ringed walls. A flight of stairs in the back lead upwards, along the circumference of the room, towards another set of rooms; windows and candles line the top of the room. Twilight bounces to the table in the center of the room, pulling out a stack of papers, a quill, and ink as Colgate pulls up three chairs around the table.

"So, Stanley, start from the beginning!" Twilight hops right into the seat at the head of the table while Colgate and Stan sit across from each other.

"Like...the beginning of my universe? My species?" Stan lists off, eyebrow raised.

"Your species is a good start!" Twilight's toothy grin splits her face in half as a bead of sweat rolls down her cheek.

Colgate rests her face in her front hooves, giving a small smile of interest and flicking her mane back.

Stan looks towards the door and the two windows it separates. Faces of various ponies peak in the windows as they want to hear what an alien has to say. Stan sighs and cracks his knuckles...

After discussing the evolutionary chain of basic hominids to homo-sapiens for ten minutes, Twilight has already gone through several sheets of paper and seems completely unphased by the amount of notes taken. Colgate looks on with interest as her blue eyes pierce Stan's, looking into his soul like Twilight when she and Stan met.

"Just out of curiosity, the language we're speaking now. What is it called where you come from?" Colgate asks, still piercing him with her eyes.

"English." Stan replies, she nods.

"Can we talk about something else? How about...Human anatomy?" Twilight asks, almost begs, Stan to relay the intricate workings of the human body.

"Well, we have a skeleton. We eat, and then poop, and sometimes fuck." Stan does a quick relay to Twilight while waving my hand over the described areas.

"Could you go into a bit more depth...and with a little less language?" She asks, slyly smiling. Colgate giggles at his description.

"Sounds like ponies, to me." The blue unicorn smirks.

"Do you at least have a spinal cord?" Twilight queries.

"Yes."

"Digestive System?"

"Yes."

"Respiratory System?"

"Yes."

"Excretory System?"

"Yes."

"Nervous System?"

"Yes."

"Muscular System?"

"Yes."

"Cardiovascular system?"

"Yes...how long do I have to keep this up?" Stan chuckles, Twilight shrugs, Colgate smiles.

"Alright. How about culture?" Twilight asks, placing a new bit of paper on the table and places her quill in ink.

He ponders what he should say to make the best first impression. Stan looks between the two ponies before him, both gazing with interested eyes. He then looks at the series of ears and faces pressed up against the windows, each bestowing a look of wonder on the alien from Earth.

"It varies between different groups of people." He doesn't lie.

"Like how so?." Colgate pipes up.

"Different languages, different foods, different races, different religions we're all different. Sadly those differences have gotten us into a lot of trouble." He relays the info onto the two ponies.

"What kind of trouble?" Twilight worryingly asks.

"Terrorists, radical religious extremists, nuclear missiles, failing democracies, crashing economies, school massacres, pick your choice." Stan is frank and truthful.

"School massacres??" Colgate's mouth is agape. Stan then remembers...

Murder is almost unheard of in Equestria. Maybe not in the other kingdoms, but not in the land of peaceful ponies.

"Sadly, those exist." He sighs.

"Nuclear missiles?" Twilight curiously points out what he said.

"Big bombs that explode with the force to rip atoms apart." Stan replies.

Sounds of worried murmurs are heard from outside the windows as he hears the ocean of color sloshing about with conversation.

"Let's talk about something less frightening. How about diet?" Colgate asks, smiling and shifting her eyes to the sea of ponies.

"Sure; we're omnivorous." Stan replies.

"And that means...?" Twilight asks.

"We eat both plants and animals...and sadly, in my culture, we would consider ponies as animals." He replies in a small voice.

Both ponies shift their chairs slightly towards the door an inch.

"But not ponies! They aren't on the menu!" Stan quickly points out, even though in some cultures, it's acceptable to consume equine.

Both ponies slowly shift their chairs back to their original position.

"Well, what animals do humans usually eat?" Twilight asks.

"Cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, fish...um...deer, squirrels, octopus...sharks..." He tries to name off a few species.

"That's quite a lot of--" Colgate pipes up.

"And ostrich, too!" Stan finally finalizes his answer, cutting off the blue unicorn.

The ponies outside are back and listening intently to the interview. Something then buzzes in the ear that Stan's ear-bud is in...

"And that is where I must come in." Alman's elderly voice fills in Stan's ear-drum.

"Wait, Alman?? I thought I turned this thing off!" Stan stands up with fright, pressing his finger into his ear.

"Well instead of pressing the off button, you've pressed the off button for the receiver. You were sending messages the whole time. And I say this looks magnificent!" Alman recites the information.

"Looks amazing?" Stan asks as the ponies before him look at him quizzically.

"We didn't tell you this, but there's a tiny camera attached to the miniature machine in there as well. We have everything documented for our research labs. Also, there is no real power button." Alman frankly replies.

"Wait a minute...you can see everything that I'm seeing right now?" Stan waves a hand in front of his face.

"Yes, I see your gesture on a computer monitor right now." General Rochester pipes in over the microphone on the other side.

Only one thought goes through Stan's mind right at this point...

"Oh god, you heard me sing!?"

Author's Note:

I'm back, my fellow Pingasytes.

Comments

[phallus of malice]

Damn that update took forever!
Your'e lucky it was almost worth it. The Phallus of Malice does not like such long waits.
It's deliver-or-die 'round these parts.

[Patient X]

3544281 Si, señor.

[Starlight Shadow]

3652675 >get a new one