437824 One last piece of advice before we move on to the next fic. For an alternate cause, perhaps a shady gambling ring Lucky could have been swindled by, attempting to fix betting?

Now that that is out of my system, 435697 is up. Everyone else, post away, and don't forget that it was updated.

436280
Weirdly enough, I think I actually liked the less sympathetic version of Twilight's plan better. There's just something funny about that slightly cruel reaction, though I know the mouthbreathing masses would probably cry 'OOC'. Ya know what, Twi's neurotic enough that with a decent lead-in, you can have her do just about anything.
Pretty sure I mentioned it already, but I'll add it again for the sake of keeping things neat and tidy—I really like the idea of finding out how pegasi would live doing the tasks that earth ponies do, but without the magic to assist them. I'm assuming technology plays a role, things like more efficient harvesters/plows pulled by multiple ponies, etc.

Because character stories are kind of my only game, I would just advise that you know right up front EXACTLY what it is she's supposed to learn, and subtly weave that lesson into every arc of the story to really underscore it. It's such a peaceful story idea, and I really think that you can carry that through very well, perhaps without even much dialogue. Think the middle third of "The Last Samurai", if you've seen it. VERY little dialogue, but the setting and the actions speak volumes and push the intended lesson harder than a lecture ever would.

436280 A nice thing to include if you do write this story is a back and forth perspective shift between Rainbow and Fluttershy. Something showing that every lesson learned by Rainbow in the glade is already exemplified by Fluttershy back in Ponyville.

436280

I find your logic behind why Fluttershy gets upset a little off. Your later reasoning ties in to why she is, but that's a bit after the event; I'd expect the author to lampshade the establishing fanon by having Dash as confused as most of the audience would be. As it stands, my first reaction is along the lines of "Fluttershy thinks she's an earth pony? Wat. Man, she's just looking for an excuse to make Dash feel bad." It gets worse when AJ chips in with how bad it is; it kinda feels like they're trolling her.

And then Celestia, upon hearing about it, tells Twilight that the only solution is to pack RD in a box. Yes.

The later bit is an interesting piece of world building, and could certainly do with more expansion. Pegasi who have adapted to living on the ground would be a believable and workable bit of headcanon, and you could certainly mimic the 'lesson learned per week' thing from the show. Ending it would be a bit more difficult, though; you'd have to establish some sort of time scheme or challenge for Dash to overcome.

437992 Yes, I figured it would be a little cruel, even beyond Twilight, to do something of that caliber. However, if it were something of "this is for Rainbow Dash's own good", she might be able to get away with it.
438048 I DO find that idea very interesting to work with. One part could be Fluttershy tending gently to her animals, which shifts in parallel to Rainbow having a hell of a time trying to get some woodland critters to behave.
438440 I will admit that, at first glance, it would seem weird to imagine why Fluttershy, as a pegasus, should feel offended by Rainbow verbally bashing Earth ponies, but I tried to put it under the reason that she's more of an Earth pony at heart than a pegasus, since she's more at home on the ground, but her reaction is a bit more complicated. 1. Seeing her best friend since fillyhood acting so violently scares her already. 2. Her extreme sensitivity towards any tender topic. 3. This slander against the Earth pony way of life, which she has adopted.

I wish I could put it into better words than that, my friends, but I thank you for your critiques. I'd already started the story on a whim, but I may do some appropriate tweaking thanks to your suggestions.

438480

The three points you made are valid ones, but the last one really needs to be stressed early on in your fic. Fluttershy considering herself as living life 'the earth pony way' isn't backed up by canon. It's an interpretation on it, but it's not an interpretation that everyone going into the fic will grasp immediately.

You could handle it without letting the audience in on the interpretation, which would be by far the more skilled way of doing it. One way of doing that is to make RD the author's avatar over why Fluttershy's so upset. Make it so that, as far as RD's concerned, the insult has nothing to do with Fluttershy. Telling us the reasons as to why she's scared wouldn't be nearly as effective as making why she's so upset into a drive to keep reading.

Also, soz if you already grasped any of this. I'm basing this reaction off a synopsis, so any ideas I have may just be ones you had but didn't include in that.

438480 Alright, I think you got some pretty good stuff from that.

435728 Are you ready for a similar treatment? Go at it guys!

435728
As I said this before, Matt, I like the sound of this idea. "Little kid in the big city" kind of thing, but not in the "American Tail" sense. I see it more as the classic "Prodigal Son" story, which has a lot of potential. You've got a good setup, a storyline that can delve into a variety of genres, and the classic 'sagacious guide' character. The one thing to ask is, would this traveler be just a wise, nice guy, or the 'jackass with a heart of gold', where he uses 'tough love' towards Rainbow?

438875 actually that ties in with my advice somewhat.
435278 As you have written the summary, I can think of a qualified guy for the job. Cranky Doodle Donky. He fits all the criteria and could be in his long search for Matilda.

438875
Given that I am a jackass with a heart of gold, that's probably where I'll take it. A Harrison Ford-esque character with no patience for kids, but realizes somepony who's truly hurting to know what's important about life and is open to learn. I hadn't really hit on the "prodigal son" nature of the plot, either, that's given me some things to think about.

438936
I'll be buggered, that could work. I'd have to get over my unreasonable dislike of the character to do so, though. His quiet nature, desire to do his own thing, and brash dislike of rowdy people intruding into his life? It's almost like looking in a mirro—I mean, it's completely disgusting!
Really though, he would be a perfect "Odd Couple" type partner for RD's most likely brash nature.

436280

I'm a little late to this part of the party; sorry, it's been busy.

I too kind of like the more vicious version of Twilight packing Rainbow in a crate, at least if you can justify it.

One thing I'd like to see covered is how the earth pegasi get their weather. Also, they will need some kind of thorough explanation for why they've chosen to live like earth ponies; after all, if you've got wings, why not use them? How about their children? Do they get taught anything about flying at all? Can their kids fly?

In this type of story, it's often handy to have a complete jerk make a complete about-face in learning his lesson. There's some Jet Li movie like that . . . title is escaping me . . . . You have a challenge here in that Rainbow Dash isn't a complete jerk, so her conversion or deepening understanding or whatever you want to call it will probably be more subtle. What you need, though, are definite lessons that she learns, something more concrete than simply a greater appreciation of life on the ground. She may perhaps, even though she's not a complete jerk, be initially repulsed by the earth pegasi, so you can possibly use that to move her character from one position to another as the story progresses.

435728

I agree with the suggestion of using Cranky. The idea sounds great. Question is, where do you take it? How does Cranky help her learn her lesson? What actual scrapes or adventures or whatnot do they get into? What happens when she goes home again? Lots of potential there.

439211
As of right now, I have NO idea, and that thought makes me grin. Like, a lot. I'm strongly considering making it my next story after I finish out my assignment writing.

439504 Sounds like you have something to look forwards to.
435761 It's your turn, and It looks like it will be a doozy.

435761
This one is honestly hard for me to come up with much to say about. It just sounds freaking hilarious.
Keep it random, and fight the urge to let it drag on too long, I suppose.

Christ, forgot to give OtterMatt a mini review thingy. Hold on...

435728

The main problem I can see with this is straightforward: where the hell do you open it? You want to make it so that the opening's engaging and yet gets across all the information. My personal suggestion for tackling this would be to frame it around a "Did I ever tell you guys about the time I got shipped in a box' type thing. Have her start it off with talking to some friends, either Mane Six or CMC. This let's you get the audience up to speed whilst keeping it engaging, and any 'telling' aspects of it can just be passed back on to Dash.

After all, she like's Daring Do.

Oh, and thanks for directing someone over to SALT. Their submission has been uploaded and I've already defecated my opinions all over the first two scenes.

Fred's thing is on its way.

439907
I'm trying to get anyone I can see with any talent at plot building this way. The more the merrier.

435761

Hard to critique this one. It does sound funny. What it needs might depend on whether you're going for a gag, or whether you're preparing to commit philosophy. Either way, I do agree that you should keep it short. It needs some really good punchline at the end after she gets out of the box, but I got nuthin'.

435761

You put in a lot of setup towards this, Fred. Too much, in fact: Fluttershy, the Doctor and Spike are unneeded baggage in your story. It'd perform just as well with only Twilight and Rainbow; I'd suggest cutting the other three out and finding a different way to complete their roles in the fic.

As for the fic itself, it's about RD being trapped in a box and having a philosophical experience. I'm not so sure about everyone else, but my usual preference for things like that is to weave the philosophy into the story rather than just outright stating it. It's like the difference between showing and telling, in a way, because one is interesting to read whilst the other is like reading an encyclopedia. The later's ok if you're looking for the knowledge, but downright boring if you want some entertainment.

One way to provide the entertainment might be to have the box Dash reads be a Daring Do novel or something with a highly philosophical bent. Make Dash's freakouts crazy and make them entertaining to watch/read. As DGDavidson said when he kicked this whole thing off, angsty Dash is best Dash.

I'd also suggest foreshadowing where Dash is going to end up. A fic like this really needs to end on an 'aha!' moment.

435728 I too have a hard time giving advice on this one. Not because I can't think of anything, but because I have too many things to say. I think that you need to include genre for me to specify, but for now I'll go with comedy. My advice is to have excerpts from each book, and have Rainbow talking to/arguing with the books as though they were having a dialogue. Get her to seemingly befriend the book as it subverts her mentality. Finally, when she is freed and has become an expert on the subject matter, give her the book back. Ask her if she agrees with the book now. Then, with comedic timing, have her toss the book away and reply "Nah."

435761
Sorry it took me so long. Your story has potential, but I don't see where the Doctor really fits in, and I just find a little hard to believe Fluttershy would be the one to instigate this problem. I have as hard a time believing it as I did believing she'd willingly steal a bite from the MMMM in Mmmmystery on the Friendship Express.
Still, Rainbow being forced to read and think logically has potential for humor.

I think my invisibility spell is working. No one shall notice that it is my day.

Well, I'd say that about wraps up someone unimportant's day. I'm sure he didn't need any good sound advice anyhow. Oh, well.
436808 It looks like your turn. Let's get on this one guys!

436808
A good reference to past experience, learning from said experience (though I wonder if Pinkie wouldn't already somehow know Dashie would be in that crate, given said experience), and an interesting place for her to end up. I know you said you came up with the summary on a whim, but I'm curious to know about that box. What does it contain? Why was it headed for Zebraconia?

436808 it sounds like an adventure more than a random story, much like the movie homeward bound. Try to put plenty of obstacles in her way ( that she can't just fly over) to give the story some suspenseful action. Other than that, you might want to give her a time limit. (the cable stallion leaves at noon, I HAVE to catch him!)

436815 I told you I would get to this on your day, and now I make good on that claim. Here you go!

Rainbow Dash’s lips smacked together as she blinked a few times, her eyelids slow and creaky as sleepdust caught in the corners held them in place.
Sounds like her lips were blinking.

She breathed in again before yawning back out.
Take off the back out. You have that in the first breath, and you don't want to repeat yourself.

And then the headache started, rising insistently and patiently into a pulsing, unignorable throb, though Rainbow tried to at first.
Make it more clear what Rainbow tried to do.

The world was still black and impossible to see in, and her thoughts—perhaps less in spite and more because of the pain—were still unfocused and slow.
Why would we think her thoughts were slow in spite?

A thought—a necessary thought—floated into her mind a few painful, headache-ignoring seconds later.
Headache-ignoring seconds? I thought it was Rainbow was ignoring the headache, not the seconds. Did the seconds have headaches too?

Rainbow Dash thought about trying to ponder it out before quickly giving up.
A bit redundant. You basically said Rainbow thought about thinking about it.

There were some ponies who probably would have tried—eggheads like Twilight sprung to mind—but Rainbow Dash was no such pony, and she utterly refused to be kept inside a box whilst she came to terms with that.
Who might have tried what now? Also, what is Rainbow coming to terms with? Not being one of the ponies who tried...something?

Her hoof thrust out in a direction her sleepish mind assured her was up.
Sleepish is probably sleepy, though that just could be a British phrase. (Notice that I am not commenting on your whilsts. )

She reached up and hooked her arms around it and, ignoring the occasional twinge of pain from her head, pulled herself up and halfway out.
Arms or forelegs? It's fine both ways, but I figured I'd point it out, regardless.

Splinters of wood tumbled from it like dandruff.
From the hoof or the mane?

The world around her was beautiful. There really was no other way to say it. Light-green grasses swayed back and forth across a wide-open field touched in places by a splash of golden flower heads.
I assume the field is touched (though I would use a different word to describe it) by the flower heads, and not the grasses. Change the sentence so it reflects that.

Her head turned towards the wind’s source, but she could only see mountains in the distance and the shining wreath of the setting sun about them.
Did she expect to see the pony in charge of the invisible wind?

How had they...
Right now, they is describing the mountains.

AJ’d probably get a right hoot out of it too.
This is Rainbow Dash's inner monologue. The same pony who has strict definitions of both awesomeness and radicalness. She doesn't use the phrase "right hoot"

She looked up into the sky and then back down at the box. And then the box must’ve gotten loose from the delivery van!
Some kind of connecting sentence would be good between these two.

Case opened and solved by one R. M. Dash.
Haha. Meriam.

So I bumped my head. Big deal. I’m not bleeding now, right? She patted her head; it was as dry as a bone. Nope. Healed already. She frowned up at the sky. Wonder how high I fell from? She gave up wondering a few seconds later. After all, she could’ve fallen from space itself and still gotten off with nothing more than the scratch she had.
You jump POV quite a lot, without any warning through the whole fic, but you see it best here.

These are just some initial edits from me. I may have missed a few, but these jumped out at me. Hope to read part 2.

436815
Well, Aquillo, you certainly put effort into yours if you're willing to post a whole 'chapter' right away. You've got good imagery, and it makes me want to see more. =)

More forgetfulness. Gah.

Have to post Fire's and Noblequicksilver's tomorrow. Got a club meeting tonight. Writing this on my lunch break, yay!

443688

1) Really? I thought the pronoun would've made it clear which subject the verb took.

2) True. No need for a back in there.

3) ... Thinking about it ...

4) I think my reasoning at that point was that thoughts are usually quick because of the pain. Using 'in spite of' in the sense of 'as opposed to what they'd normally be'.

5) Heading-ignoring seconds is fine. You'd only be justified if I hadn't used a hyphen. As it is, heading-ignoring counts as a compound adjective, and so the verb's subject gets issued back to Rainbow rather than forwards to the seconds.

6) >You basically said Rainbow thought about thinking about it.

That's... exactly what I was trying to do. Essentially, she considered trying to think about how she got into the box rather than actually thinking about how she got into the box.

7) This one follows on from the logic in the previous one, in that Rainbow reckons Twilight probably would have tried reasoning it out, but that she isn't such a pone.

8) I don't know if sleepish is UK or not. It certainly exists, though.

9)

10) Pronoun 'it' passes back onto the last noun not used int verb. So, the mane.

11) You'd be correct if there was a comma before touched, making the 'touched' clause a parenthesis relating to the grasses. As is, it's a bit clunky but grammatically sound. Just... read it without pausing.

I'll probably revise it to avoid confusion, though.

12) Ah. That bit would be a consequence of me telling exactly where Rainbow is. As it is, my interpretation is that she was confused over the smell of salt. At least, that's what I tried to convey. Author's dead and all that.

13) Hmm... that 'them' stealth cuts out my intended association of 'they' with 'nopony'. Good catch; I'll have to revise that one.

14) I did consider 'right kick' as well. Better or worse?

15) People should be able to link those two together.

16)

17) The jumps in POV are meant to be indicated by the italics. Is that not clear enough?

443695

That feel when "you've written no more of it over the past couple of days, and have instead dedicated yourself to writing up a lengthy guide for another fic" -->

440590
You linked to the wrong idea post, just fyi.
441715
Sorry, dude, shit's been cray-cray this week. Of course, after going back and re-reading the prompt idea... I'm speechless. I don't even know if it IS possible for me to critique something so random. It's just... beautiful...
436808
Um... I got nothin', really. It's a good idea for starting a brainstorm session, but it's not really fleshed out enough for me to say yay or nay to.

443894 It's just that i had 30 mins to come up with something, and the first thing that popped into my mind was what i wrote down; with more time to think about it i know i can make it way better.

Alright guys, it's the last summary. Let's go!
436950 The main problem I can see is the kidnapper's reason to do this in the first place. It's not all that common to think "Hey, that person over there looks relatively happy, but she could be better off. Let's kidnap her." If they were going after someone else, like a child who is being abused for instance, and got Rainbow accidentally it might be easier to swallow. A Rainbow with Stockholm's syndrome is interesting, but it does need a lot of work put into what she gains by staying, as apposed to returning home.
443866 I had copied the text and the italics didn't go with. Sorry about that.

443894 And I'm sorry about that as well.

436950
Well, first of all, I'm curious to know who these kidnappers are, beyond the fact that they're nice and do it 'for her own good'. Second, what is it about the place that makes it much better than Ponyville? Didn't she tell Twilight she'd 'never leave Ponyville hanging'? It would be interesting to see her have to choose between her friends and a new home, kind of like how it might be if she were asked to join the Wonderbolts, so it has potential, but may need some ironing.

444434
Maybe she starts to feel excluded from the group or something, I don't know. I'll figure this all out later if I decide to do it.

444455
They're just kidnappers who are kidnapping a mare that's possibly still a teenager. Not creepy at all. I don't really know. As I said above,

I'll figure this all out later if I decide to do it.

Alrighty, 444515 . In fact that brings us to the last part of this practice SALT: Do you think you will write out a story based on your summary?
444455 444104 443894 443866 440233 435761 What do you think? Yay or neigh?

444582 Holy crap, there's a second page?! Dear Celestia, did I miss anything important? 0.o

444582 I probably will, but after i take it back to the drawing bored and plan it out a bit more.

444590 Umm, everything? Does that count? Don't worry about it too much. The multiple page thing kind of threw me too for a while. Perhaps Knighty or Poultron could add the page bar to the top as well. It would make navigating easier.

444582
I might write it, though I can't say for certain when.

444582
I think I might very well do it. At any rate, I've saved the prompt in my ideas folder along with my mock summary for reference.

I may try to work on it in my spare time between scene prompts.

I don't think I'll be doing mine. I know it'll be rediculous, but I just can't see myself writing it out. If any of you want to take the idea and run with it, be my guest.

444673 Here, I'll contribute here:
Nah, I don't think I'll be writing mine. And good job to everyone who found the page bar!

444582

Argh, I missed some critiques. I have a hard time doing this every day. Uh, yeah, I might write it. It's on the back burner, though.

444455 444104 443894 443866 440233 435761 444515
To all and sundry (and you guys too), I am making a pilgrimage to the woods for the weekend and may be incommunicado for a while. Still, I would appreciate any pms you send me. Also, before I go I'll shoot one more message to Raven about remembering the prompt this month. I may not be joining in this time, but I sure won't mind editing.

446480>>444789>>444692>>444655>>444593>>443866
To anyone who cares (or actually finds this post), I am actually going to follow through and write my story. Given that my usual editor is neck-deep in his senior year of high school, if anyone is interested in editing or even just helping with the storycrafting process, I'd love the help. Just PM me so I'm sure I get your message. I don't check these boards NEARLY as often as I should.