Title aside, I would like some feedback and comments on one of my One-Shots here. What you liked, disliked what worked and what didn't, etc. I only ask to keep it civil, unbiased and constructive and not just bashing please. Thank you.

TWings Of Vigor

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Sad
• Tragedy

Since first choosing to walk down this path, I have accomplished what few did - or were willing to do - themselves. Few thanked me for it, but that was fine. As long as my goal is achieved, I will continue down this road until I can walk it no more.

• Violence
• Alt. Universe
• OC

Golden Fang Ryu Shenron · 5.3k words · 270 views

7956937

Hi, I just read your story and I have to say, I enjoyed it!

For me, the most interesting part was the worldbuilding itself. In just over 5000 words, you've created a version of Equestria all of your own with a decent depth without expo-dumping on the reader, so kudos!
I also think the story was written well (save for a few nitpicks that I'll go over in a bit). The sentences had a good flow and your prose managed to captivate me all throughout the story. Heck, the 1st-person narrative didn't bother me even though I'm usually not a fan of 1st or 2nd person stories!

The aspect I enjoyed the least about Wings of Vigor was the 'secrecy' at the beginning, though it was quickly dispelled. In the earlier part of the one-shot, a specific event (Emerald Fang's mother's death) is referenced a few times in a somewhat obtuse/obscure way. While I understand why you made that decision (which did pay off when said event is revealed), the current phrasing feels irritating to me. I found these passages unnecessarily vague, like some sort of big secret only the reader wasn't privy to.
It did all make sense after the reveal, which lessened my annoyance at these parts of the story, but still something I think is noteworthy.

There were a few oddities with the text itself, which I thought I should also mention (fair warning, though: I'm not a native English speaker, so take this next section with a grain of salt).

Especially at the beginning of the story, there are a few sentences that only contain subordinate clause without any main clauses, like these ones:

Beckoned by the call that drew him ever closer to his brethren of the wilderness.

Part of me felt like I was the in the book instead of the protagonist themselves. Following the path that drew me in like a bee to a flower.

It was a bit odd to read, and I think these sort of sentences would work better if either given a main clause, or attached to a previous sentence with a comma. Alternatively, if you wish to put emphasis on these sentences specifically, you can also repeat what you did later on with verbless clauses:

Magic heavier than blocks of ice.

Sounds of creatures not of this realm.

Lifeblood burning my nasal cavities with its scent.

Echoing neighs as I hugged my mother’s lifeless form.

These few sentences are a lot more powerful and evocative, and in their "dramaticness", they did not seem as odd as the previous examples. Just food for thoughts!

One last oddity that caught me off-guard at times was your vocabulary and use of metaphors. There were a few sentences I had to read a few times, or where I had to check the definitions of a few words just to understand what was going on. Examples include sentences like:

Underneath the gleaming sphere galactic rock

Where I assume you meant under the moonlight? It took me a few moments to get what was going on. There's also the use of highly technical terms, like 'calcaneus' and other names for bones when the protagonist gets attacked. I had to check the definitions, which did take me out of the story's flow.

And finally, one last nitpick: "Dirt and grime or not things you want to go to sleep with": I assume you meant to write "Dirt and grime are not things [...]"?

Anyhow, all in all, I found this story pretty interesting. You began quite the undertaking with the series of one-shots/stories you planned to make in this universe of yours, and I wish you luck!
If I had to give a final note to this story, I would give it between a 7 and an 8 out of 10.

7956968

First off, I would like to thank you for the feedback you gave my story. I left my thoughts down below and added some clarification to some things that I saw that you were confused by. If there was anything else you feel needed addressing please let me know.

For me, the most interesting part was the worldbuilding itself. In just over 5000 words, you've created a version of Equestria all of your own with a decent depth without expo-dumping on the reader, so kudos!

Thank you! One of the things I wanted to avoid doing most was doing the whole Info-Dump regarding World Building in Alternate Universes. I wanted to do it in a way that helped to flow into the story without taking away the immersion. Glad to know I avoided doing that....

The aspect I enjoyed the least about Wings of Vigor was the 'secrecy' at the beginning, though it was quickly dispelled. In the earlier part of the one-shot, a specific event (Emerald Fang's mother's death) is referenced a few times in a somewhat obtuse/obscure way. While I understand why you made that decision (which did pay off when said event is revealed), the current phrasing feels irritating to me. I found these passages unnecessarily vague, like some sort of big secret only the reader wasn't privy to. It did all make sense after the reveal, which lessened my annoyance at these parts of the story, but still something I think is noteworthy.

I understand why that would be your least favorable thing in the story. I didn't want to make the reveal too early because that would surely mess the story up. I provided hints with the secrecy here and there as a way to build up what was going to be revealed so that the readers would grow more curious as to what would be shown. Of course, I don't expect everyone to find it necessary or something that would work, and that's okay. I personally just felt it fit with the tone of the story is all.

Beckoned by the call that drew him ever closer to his brethren of the wilderness.

Part of me felt like I was the in the book instead of the protagonist themselves. Following the path that drew me in like a bee to a flower.

It was a bit odd to read, and I think these sort of sentences would work better if either given a main clause, or attached to a previous sentence with a comma. Alternatively, if you wish to put emphasis on these sentences specifically, you can also repeat what you did later on with verbless clauses:

That is a good tip to use. Maybe I could've said something like, "Part of me felt like I was the book's protagonist, following the path that was drawing me in like bees to flowers." I think making it like that would have done that part justice instead of what I put the first time. Same for the other sentence too.

One last oddity that caught me off-guard at times was your vocabulary and use of metaphors. There were a few sentences I had to read a few times, or where I had to check the definitions of a few words just to understand what was going on. Examples include sentences like:

Underneath the gleaming sphere galactic rock

Where I assume you meant under the moonlight? It took me a few moments to get what was going on. There's also the use of highly technical terms, like 'calcaneus' and other names for bones when the protagonist gets attacked. I had to check the definitions, which did take me out of the story's flow.

Yeah, I meant the moonlight. I called the moon a sphere of galactic rock because I didn't want to take repetitive routes as to what to call the moon other than, well... Moon. And to be fair, it is made of galactic rock that floats in space, so I felt it was appropriate to call it that.

Regarding the places where Emerald Fang was attacked by the feralins, I added those words give a clear cut idea as to where he was injured. I didn't want to make it too simplistic like hoof or hind leg, but go deeper as to where exactly in those specific parts of his body he was being targeted. That and I wanted to add some equine skeletal anatomy as a sort of bonus.