Guide

If you are an Author or Nominator of a Luna Slate XIII Entry, you may rate comments on your Entry.

If you have an eligible Comment, claimed or new, on a Luna Slate XIII Entry, you may rate Comments on that Entry.

Rating involves reading the new Comments (listed in non-italics below) for an Entry and choosing those that are, in your opinion, "the best". The winners of each Entry will receive a greater weight when voting for Luna Slate XIV, and will have their comments highlighted in this thread for posterity.

The deadline for Comment Rating is 2022 Feb 14 7PM EST. You may PM me your ratings or use the Google Form.

Comments

Entry 1: A Winter Walk

• Bicyclette
• PinoyPony

Entry 2: In Aisling-On-High, She Gently Shines

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• Scribblestick

Entry 3: High Noon: Applejack

• Bicyclette
• SparklingTwilight
• Scribblestick

Entry 4: Try

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• SparklingTwilight
• Scribblestick

Results

Entry 1: A Winter Walk

Winner: PinoyPony

Link

’ve got mixed emotions with this one. I like scenic pieces like this, the imagery is beautiful, and the pace is slow enough for the reader to enjoy it. I have some quibbles about the lax plotline. There is not much in the way of action. However, that is on my end. There is no right or wrong way to write something, and this lives up to what was promised.

The beginning is especially strong, especially with a line like this one that’s got me hooked from the get-go:

“You know, they say when you close your eyes, your other senses get sharper to make up for it.”

I was hoping that the story would connect the idea to the scene, and it does so twice: the squirrels and the wolves

Even so, with the second paragraph, the beautiful descriptions set the pace.

Twilight's breath came out in silvery puffs that faded in the brisk air before her. The warmth of the sun and chill of the breeze on her coat felt at once contradictory and complementary. A slight numbness in her cheeks nagged that it was time to go home, but the dawning sunlight scattered sparkles through the long shadows on the snow, beckoning her to stay. She re-positioned her scarf with an idle spell and took a deep breath through her nose, letting the cold outside fill her body with life and energy. The air slightly stung her throat as it passed, and she held it for a moment, finding a strange excitement in the cold ball trapped within her chest. When she released it, the puffs became a stream of condensation that vanished as quickly as it appeared.

Twilight’s living in the moment. Cozy.

Another beautiful spot with the sun in their eyes:

Spike clambered off her back and resumed his pace beside her. Twilight squinted against the rising sun, which now lay directly before them. Its light glittered off the snow, adding to the growing sense of blindness Twilight felt. Despite the dazzle, she pressed forward, hoping a pegasus would push a cloud in front of the sun.

Now, I thought that the scene with the wolves would offer a change in pace, and it did, just not what I expected. That’s not a bad thing, as it does change it a little bit without betraying the overall tone of the story.

Nice flourish at the finish, with the close of tying up all the loose ends. two different perspective offered: unnerving fear and solemn respect for the encounter. Thankfully, they were blinded by the sun enough to catch it.

Well done

Entry 2: In Aisling-On-High, She Gently Shines

Winner: Scribblestick

Link

i there! I saw your story recommended over here and thought I'd give it a look. It turns out I had marked this story to read later anyway, so I was happy to take some time for it!

I love the mood you set in this story. I've found it hard to capture the feeling of a moment of quiet contemplation, the feeling of staring at the heavens on a warm night with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. You did a wonderful job of it here, so much so that I'm a little envious, and may have to give it another read to piece together how you did it.

The conversation between Luna and Twilight was well done as well. Beginning with a humerous, but potentially symbolic, anectode was a good choice, and the way Luna expresses her regret is really beautiful. There is hurt there, but also a recognition that the hurt is of her own making, and that interrupting Twilight's life for her own sake would be wrong. It's especially appropriate as Luna's time is coming to an end, and so she has decided to finally make peace with herself. The fact that it is also a warning to Twilight is just an added, and wonderful, bonus.

I usually try to offer some advice or explain something that didn't work for me, but I'm having a hard time doing so with this story. I did find the occasional phrase to be clunky or hard to understand. For example:

“You should get used to being referred to by that soon.”

I know this is Luna, and she has odd phrasing sometimes, but this particular line forced me to stop and figure out what she meant. That's not always bad, but in this case, it did pull me out of the story, so I do consider it a very small flaw.

Great story. Keep up the good work

Entry 3: High Noon: Applejack

Winner: SparklingTwilight

Link

his comment is written because this story was placed in the "I Just Want a Comment Group" (presumably by you?) and then someone signed it up for a different comment group, so I presume the following is desired and will be welcome. If not, just let me know!:

It was like Celestia had drunk a whole bottle of chili sauce, and was letting all her little ponies know about it

The starting Westernism was evocative and well placed!

The sentence-length variety subsequent to the above works artfully well like a six-shooter cocking toward someone being "called out."

Heck, it might have had rear-wheel drive!

This is a concept that Equestrian authors would have?

It is hilarious that the duel is via cannons.

Dead, yet still hitched. Like he was married or something.

The analogy might benefit by being described a little more or removed. I figure you were going for a breezy comment, however, although there are dual meanings of being hitched and it is funny to recall them, there is a bit of a disconnect since while he is clearly tied to the cart, he's also clearly not married to the cart. The joke does not *depend* on him being blown apart and dead--he would be hitched to the cart whether he was blown to pieces or not. Thus, it seems like that aspect of the humor could be improved to something bespoke that is inherently special to the particular scene. If the image is kept, maybe alter its description to something along the lines of: "like he was entwined in a marriage-hug, body plastered to his still-smoking cannon. As the saying goes: ponies who live by cannonballs, die by the balls." That said, I do realize this is by: Penny Dreadful, so some pulp sensibilities are to be expected. And... that is also why the suggested replacement includes that awful final sentence "saying."

The sun's behavior and the footnote were amusing.

An enjoyable tale. :pinkiehappy

Entry 4: Try

Winner: SparklingTwilight

Link

ongratulations on taking a new lens and approach on a popular theme: an analysis into the inner psychodrama of the bearer of "bad news", as it were, who brings news of deaths during a war.

The first deliveree's response was interesting. It told me that I was in for reading something that was not just "color by numbers" comfort the weary--good execution! And it was followed up by the stiff upper lip of the second recipient who ended up comforting the bearer (WHITE Lightning), who was biting her lower lip while telling white lies.

The juxtaposition of the two deliverees was a strong one. (Our star's visceral response to both set the stage for her poignant flash-back. Maybe (although I suspect this is reading a bit too much into it, but I like the parallelisms) one could even see the two responses as what she could be hoping for--she wants to leave her loss behind like the first deliveree was able to or at least to accept it like the second deliveree, but she cannot--she drinks hard cider and soldiers on as best as she can.)

One concern: It surprises me that she is doing this job even though she is not injured or a conscientious objector--she mentions the war in generally positive terms and how she wants to try to becomes a Wonderbolt after the war but she does not seem to be a soldier out on leave from the front or on light duty or rotation. Either I missed something (very possible!) or this might benefit from some explanation of why an able-bodied pegasus is doing this rather than serving at the front. If the stallion who apparently inspired her had been incompetent or delivered the words wrong, I'd find her career more believable--she'd have direct drive to deliver these words and a justification for doing it rather than to do something else for the military. Also, I get that she may have wanted to do this job but why wouldn't a recruiter have steered her towards the front? She was training to be a wonderbolt--she should be particularly skilled. (Maybe she's caring for an elderly family member or has as secondary job as home front police, etc.? It's just hard to understand why she is allowed to do this job.) Also, if her past career had something to do with counseling, or something of the sort, then the idea might have been stronger. To be fair, you did provide her a motivation for the job she is doing; however, a very few words might go a long way to making the grounding stronger and more relatable.

Thank you for sharing the story!

This comment was written since this story is in the "I Just Want a Comment Group" and someone signed it up for a different comment group, so I presume the above is desired and will be welcome. If not, just let me know!