On my quest to leave no M-Rated story behind in the General folder of the Reviewers' Mansion, next up is:

[Adult story embed hidden]

The story of a boy named Silver chance who takes a long journey of self-discovery and femininity.

That should probably be capitalized.

This story is exactly what it says on the tin, clocking in at just shy of 42k words. Rated M for Profanity, and a mildly-graphic nightmare scene in the so-named tenth chapter.

TL;DR
Silver Chance feels like a woman (Turquoise) trapped in a man's body. Hence the title; Turquoise Beneath the Silver. Just in case the symbolism was too subtle for you. The story follows our main character starting a new life in a new school where nobody knows them as a boy, and they dress and present as a girl. The school is accepting and accommodating. They garner a group of friends who accept them as such. And there's even a love interest teased, with Dan. And of course the mean bully girl antagonist, Raven. Turquoise gets bullied. But then the bully gets punished. Turquoise eventually gets to transition and everything goes smoothly. And in the end, they have a romance with Dan.

Obviously there is a lot more to it than that, to bulk it up to 42k words. There's an anime club, and cosplay happening and its all referential to anime in a way I couldn't appreciate, not being an especially big fan of it myself. Otherwise, your experience of it may differ. But I "get" being a fan of something well enough. But it feels like the story leans too much on assuming the reader is familiar with the reference material.

If you're wondering where the pony content is, don't worry. So was I.

But before any of that becomes a factor, let's look at our first sentences of the first chapter:

Our story begins with our main protagonist Silver Chance who just finished tenth grade and was in the process of packing all of his stuff to move into his new home in Canterlot City California. His mom just married the CEO of a huge weapons company named Silver Bullet a few days ago and he offered to have her and Silver move in with him which she repeatedly said yes to. As he was packing he came across his old Sailor Neptune Cosplay outfit which stirred some childhood memories.

Let's put aside the fact that his mother married a man with the same name as him. I could have a field day with that in my own writing genre. If the story description error hadn't put me on edge, the unironic use of the word 'protagonist' in-text felt meta.

Technical Writing: 6/10

“ Are you sure you can do this Silver?” The girl asked.

For a story this dialogue heavy, one ought to know, just from seeing dialogue written... anywhere, that there is no space after the opening quotation. But every line has this. Up until the thirteenth chapter when, I assume, the author finally got the memo from their proofreader about this issue. After that the dialogue formatting is normal.

The story is tagged Equestria Girls, but it's in that uncanny valley between the EQG world and our world. For example, "Canterlot City, California". The majority of the story takes place a Crystal Prep. But aside from a peripheral role of Cadance as the Principal, there isn't much you'll recognize from the EQG series.

Characterization: 3/10
Dialogue: 6/10

“ A worthless boy like you doesn’t deserve something this nice,” Raven said vindictively. Before things could escalate any further Principal Cadance walked by and decided to intervene.
“ Come on Raven give Turquoise her outfit back or else,” Cadence said.
“ Or else what?” Raven asked.
“ Or else you will be serving two hours detention for the next week,” Cadence said.
“ You don’t scare me my parents will shut this place down the moment I call them,” Raven said with her finger hovering over the call button next to her mom’s number.
“ Fine you win,” Cadence said before leaving. Raven decided to take the outfit and kicked Turquoise in the gut leaving her unconscious from hitting her head on the lockers.

Yes officer, I'd like to report a character assassination.

In case you were invested in a drawn out tension with Raven as the main antagonist, don't worry. Raven gets her comeuppance in the very same chapter diffusing any sense of danger. But wait, Raven had two friends to bully Turquoise now. But then Soliman Means frames them, getting them punished along with Raven. Again, instantly resolving any tension.

“ And why would I help you three?” Ein asked.
“ Because if you don’t the three of us will be on the next flight to Alaska never to return again,” Raven said.
“ Not my problem you three are some of the vilest monsters I ever met and I hope all three of you freeze to death,” Ein said in an angry tone before hanging up.
“ That’s it there is no more hope,” Raven said before crying into her pillow.

And then the go off to super jail in Alaska!
Actually, four chapters later there is a little blurb:

Meanwhile, in the Los Angeles County Prison Raven, Blair, and Hilda were in their jail cell resting on their beds looking back on how they ended up here.
“ How did we get here?” Blair asked.

And then they break out of prison... somehow.

A few days after the girls escaped from St.Olga’s and stowed away on the freighter to Sanpedro the ship reached its destination and while the crew on the docks was helping unload everything Raven, Blair, and Hilda were discovered, and before they could escape a few of the dockworkers used their big meaty muscles to keep the trio of teenage girls from escaping before the police would show up.

(Underline added) But that is what was written.
The entire courtroom scene is almost comically bad.

As soon as all the testimony and cross-examination was finished the jury which also included all three of Raven, Blair, and Hilda’s former parents left to deliberate.

That's not how jury selection works.

“ Very well I hereby sentence the defendants to thirty years in prison,” The judge said before banging his gavel and having the three girls hauled out of the courtroom in handcuffs. It was a long drive to the Los Angeles Woman’s Prison and as soon as they got there they were each forced to change into orange prison jumpsuits with random numbers on the front. After getting their mug shots taken they were taken to an empty cell with three beds inside which meant they would be sharing a cell together.
“ That Turquoise is so going to pay once we get out of here,” Hilda said.
“ I wish it was as simple as breaking out of St.Olga’s but I’m afraid there is no way out for us this time,” Raven said.
“ Don’t tell me you are saying,” Blair said.
“ Turquoise wins we lose,” Raven said.

I can appreciate writing from the heart, but all this just smacks of wish-fulfillment revenge-fantasy.
To be clear, Turquoises' bullies go to jail for treason, among other charges for 30 years.

“ Ok, ladies someone paid your bail so your now free to go,” The guard said as she escorted the girls to the front to collect their things.

Also, that's not how bail works.

Author's Note:
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. And as for Raven, Blair, and Hilda, they won't be coming back for a while since they now live in a completely different city.

Oh thank goodness. I almost got excited.

The story segues into the physical transition portion. Which goes just as easily as everything else does in this story. Now, I won't claim to be an expert on the matter, but I'm not ignorant to it either. I have plenty of first-hand accounts that talk about how very not easy it is. Just the physical aspects of it alone, to say nothing of societal and political conflicts. It's part of what makes it a sympathetic plight. Although I am pleased that this story doesn't push political allegory.

The Mane Six show up in the 12th chapter to make a brief cameo, and there are a couple other mentions sprinkled in the rest of the story. And then the story shifts to the romantic arc of Turquoise and Dan. And they all live happily ever after.

It definitely doesn't feel like a My Little Pony fanfiction, which is what upset me the most. I felt duped. It feels like there was just enough cursory mentions of canon character names to justify publishing it to this platform. Which just feels unnecessary, since there are other great examples of stories on this very site that tackle the issues addressed in here using characters from the show. Not to disparage OCs, but I feel like fan fiction ought to have canon reference be more than a passing mention. But that is, admittedly, a personal subjectivity.

Story Overall: 5/10
Overall, the story isn't bad, per se. It's just... shallower than I expected. Any drama or conflict gets resolved too easily, robbing the reader of any emotional investment in a given scene. Things just go right because Turquoise shows up.

The antagonists feel one-dimensional, without motivation beyond, "Grr! We are bad people who do bad things because we are bad!" It's unsubtle. When bad things happen to Turquoise, it feels comically over-the-top, as well as the resulting punishment that gets dolled out. It's like a Captain Planet villain stealing an oil tanker, just to crash it onto a beach of baby seals rather than selling it to avoid pissing off a blue guy in spandex beating them up.

A story about gender transitioning is fertile ground for powerful and emotional tales of drama, conflict, and overcoming adversity. It can be, and has been done incredibly well, even just on this very site. Pony or not, this story premise, while full of promising potential, ultimately falls flat in delivering its execution.

For review purposes: 4.5/10