TA Dazzling Sleepover

• Equestria Girls
• Comedy
• Drama
• Slice of Life

The Dazzlings are invited to a sleepover at Vinyl Scratch's house, but something goes wrong.

• Profanity
• DJ P0N-3
• Octavia
• Adagio Dazzle
• Sonata Dusk
• Aria Blaze

Jmaster49 · 7.7k words  ·  144  2 · 4.1k views

We all know how the Dazzlings treated everyone, but what if they wanted to make up for their actions by making new friends? Let's see just how they try to do that at Vinyl Scratch's party. That is, if they survive the night...

Opening remarks

A Dazzling Sleepover by Jmaster49 (Jmaster) is a slice of life story about the Dazzlings attempting for redemption. I’m a fan of the Dazzlings and I do enjoy my comedy dramas, so I’m looking forward to seeing what Jmaster has written. 

Note: black bars fill cover any spoilers for the story. Read at your discretion. 

Technical

There is an overuse of the same word in several paragraphs. Additionally, a few misspellings and misused punctuation can be found throughout the text. 

8/10

Character

The main characters of this fic are the Dazzlings: Adagio, Aria, and Sonata. Of the trio, Sonata feels the most like her canon counterpart with her ditzy and hyperactive personality. 

Adagio and Aria, on the other hand, feel much more watered down. Adagio’s confidence and snark have been mostly replaced with this concerned, tired parent archetype. Aria has had all of her more aggressive leanings replaced with just general grumpiness. Neither character really feels like their canon counterpart in any substantial way. 

It feels like Adagio and Aria have specifically had their rough patches shorn off to make them more likable and easier to mesh with the supporting cast, which is unfortunate because it undercuts the more compelling character arc of the rougher types learning to appreciate friendship. 

The supporting cast suffers some similar issues. Those established in canon feel like more over the top versions of themselves or those that don’t have fairly indistinguishable personalities. 

Overall, the character work definitely suffers from some flanderization and cartoonishness that detracts from the reading.

4/10

Concept

The long description could use some work in terms of drawing the reader in. The opener, however, does a good job of setting up the plot and the Dazzlings’ individual personalities. 

In concept, the ideas present are fun. An early siren redemption arc where the Dazzlings learn friendship is usually a fun ride, but it's muddled by the subplot that occurs over the course of the plot and by the watering down of the sirens overall personality wise. 

The execution just doesn’t quite follow through on the concept. 

5/10

Vibe

This story has some major structural problems. To start off the prose has a lot of instances of the “purple pony” problem. In nearly all cases, it is always better to simply say a character’s name in place of a descriptor such as “orange skinned girl”, otherwise it tends to break up the story flow. Additionally, a lot of the text is needlessly verbose with redundancies and action sentences between dialogue that go just long enough to disrupt the natural flow.

Transitions between character perspectives are also very rough. The story bounces from person to person at a rapid pace with little to no warning making it very difficult to keep track of the scene unfolding. The constant shifts between third person limited and omniscient, also tend to exacerbate the issues.

The pacing is also far too fast. Though the Dazzlings are more remorseful in this story, it doesn’t feel natural how gung ho they get for their new friends within such a short span of time. The emotional leaps that occur just feel unearned within the context of the plot. 

I also think that the Button Mash subplot should have been removed. The prank call scene is fine, but the strange focus on their group in the latter half of the story feels wholly unnecessary. More time could have been spent on developing the burgeoning friendships between the girls, but instead spends a lot of effort on a seemingly tacked on portion of the plot.

That being said, there are some bright spots. Some of the comedy is quite funny, especially a scene between Trixie and Maud. The prank call scene with Shining Armour also garners a few snorts of laughter on reading. 

Overall though, the structural issues really hold back the emotional payoff of the fic.

2/10

Closing Thoughts

A Dazzling Sleepover by Jmaster is a slice of life with some fun elements that is held back by some significant structural problems.  

4.75/10

Personal Score

There were a few enjoyable comedic moments for me, but, overall, the story structure really distracted me from being able to immerse myself in the fic. 

2/10