Description

You watch Luna's moon rise, bringing with it another beautiful night.

Initial Thoughts

I have a soft spot for one-sentence descriptions, for some reason, and I’ve always enjoyed stories that play around with simple premises. Though, it’s interesting that even though the description points out Luna’s presence by proxy of possession, she herself doesn’t show up in the tags. I wonder why?

On with the very short story. 

Summary

A human in Equestria spends the night with a pony friend, talking about their experience in Equestria and before they were sent here. 

Plot

There isn’t one. Or at least, not one in the immediate forefront. That’s not necessarily bad; it means, however, that we need to apply a bit more thinking to figure out what this story is about. 

As a premise, this story is nothing new; the inevitable conversation between a human and pony about where they are and who they were is a trope common to virtually all HiE. The points brought up in this story’s conversation are similarly trope-filled; the human died in their world and Equestria is their version of an after-life (though the story hints it may very well be simply a “second” life more than anything); they’ve had to get used to being away from everyone they loved, missing them; and there’s an implication that they’ve been in Equestria for a substantial amount of time. 

What the story flips on its head, however, is the prospect of returning to Earth; and furthermore, making this prospect seem optimistic as opposed to being necessarily desirable or terrible. The human doesn’t respond with negativity towards the opportunity to return home. If anything, they seem quite happy to, further subverting the trope that Equestria is Heaven and therefore better than whatever life came before. 

It may be a stretch, but it seems that this story likes to play around with HiE tropes. Used as tools to hint at some underlying meaning, tropes can be useful (never mind what CinemaSins says), and used as tools simply to do something interesting, well, they’re a necessary addition to any story. 

Of course, these tools are used to further what amounts to a single conversation. But there are indications that this is far from the first, nor is it the first time the human has stared up at the stars with a pony for a companion, as the first line indicates: “Even after so much time, the sight is still breathtaking as ever.” That’s a line that suggests a story in and of itself, but little time is spent dissecting the implication.

In this way, I justify my argument that this story doesn’t really have a plot. In that sense, it does suffer, but the caveat is that the atmosphere and “texture” of the story are accentuated. Despite the lacking story beats, one cannot deny the softness of the moment, and the gentle beauty of a night spent with a friend. This isn’t necessarily a “story” story, but it might just be a sketch, a moment preserved in time. 

Score - 7 / 10 

Characterization

The decision to keep all the characters unnamed was an interesting one. It makes sense for the human: this is a second-person perspective, after all, so minimal description of the narrator is necessary to keep the reader immersed.

However, though the pony companion provided a bit of light in an otherwise simple character act, the fact that the pony didn’t have any sort of description or indications of… well, physical appearance, meant that there was a distance between the narrator of the story (“You”) and the reader. Minimalism can be a great tool when used effectively, but here, a minimal amount of characterization only means that there’s very little to care for or be interested by.

Of course that doesn’t mean there isn’t any sort of characterization. The entire conversation is indicative of the human and the pony’s relationship. Clearly, they’re friends, and have been for a good while, perhaps as long as the human’s been in Equestria. The easy way that they speak to each other, and the joy of one of them, the pony, cracking a joke at the other’s expense, provided a flush of warmth that pervaded throughout both the conversation and the story as a whole. 

That said, it’s rather barebones. I’m left wanting more from that perspective, and more from just the characters in general. I don’t necessarily care how the human got here, but it would be nice to learn how they and the pony became friends. For as nice as their conversation is, it’s marred by how little substance there is to those in it. 

Score - 5 / 10 

Syntax

I noted a few tense changes in the very beginning of the story, but other than that, the syntax was more or less fine. The short sentences and paragraphs worked well with the minimal approach, and the pacing never suffered for it. And the rapid back-and-forth in the conversation was also enjoyable. 

Score - 9 / 10 

Final Score - (7 + 5 + 9) / 3 = 7 / 10

Final Thoughts

There wasn’t much here for me to work with, owing to the story’s short length. On one hand, I can assume this was intentional, as the premise was simple enough, and warranted a bare minimum of 1000 or so words. But on the other hand, because there was so little to work with, it meant that the story felt… lacking. 

There is merit in the simple, though, and for how little substance there was to this story, I ended up enjoying it for what it was. There was a sense of tonal warmth to it that cut through the fringes of cold miniscule detail. It felt like I was taking a break from a busy day, relaxing on a hill, looking up at the night sky. 

Still, it does feel like there could be more to this story. At the very least, something more could be added to improve upon the pony’s characterization. Even a name and a few physical characteristics would do wonders to spruce up and improve upon the pony. 

7317376
Hm. Thanks for the review!

7317487
Glad to have supplied!