[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Meatlocker starts with Rumble complaining about his boredom, with his father away on a business trip and his brother getting ready for his own vacation he finds himself alone in the house with nothing to do. It is that sense of boredom that leads him outside in search of some company. While on the streets he sees a wonderful creature beckoning him, said creature is Adagio Dazzle who tells him to follow her in the penthouse for some grown up fun.

But nothing is at it seems and Rumble falls into a trap, Adagio reveal herself to be a vampire and with that in mind keeps him prisoner in the penthouse feeding off of him every so often, two weeks later Spitfire arrives on the scene, an argument breaks out because Adagio apparently killed Thunderlane, Spitfire’s boyfriend. This angers Spitfire greatly and so shot Adagio in the head killing her, the same happen to Rumble immediately after.

So the story contains various degrees of gore and splatter here and there, although I would not say it is an horror story by any mean, the story doesn’t scare at all in that regard although a more wicked audience will find it interesting in relishing in the gorey detail the author put in it. 

The problems are multiple unfortunately, first and foremost there is no real reveal, Adagio is described as a vampire without giving the audience any real evidence to make its own guess, the vampire part comes out of the blue so quickly you may miss it. One may see cannibal and say that it is just that, but no it is a vampire.

Second the whole thing is extremely random, I mean, from a realistic point of view I concede the fact that most likely things like that do happen at random but with how the story flows it seems almost haphazardly put together.

Rumble is also a character you can’t feel pity for, not because he doesn’t deserve it but because he is just so boring, he doesn’t have anything special or quirky that might interest the reader, furthemore he doesn’t stay alive enough for us to really have a grasp on him and actually feel bad for his demise. The encounter with the killer happened far too quickly and the section before it doesn’t give us anything to make us feel emotionally connected to him.

Conclusions, the story could have been good but the rushing feeling that gives off is not one that I would have used on one story such as this. The fact also that you put a vampire in it and you killed it in a single hit with a gun irks me a bit, vampires shouldn’t be killed by such a simple method.

Scores!

Core Idea: 6/10: Not the most original but one that had some little surprise here and there.

Pacing: 4/10: Too rushed doesn’t give the reader time to understand why it should be rooting for Rumble at all.

Grammar: 10/10 no errors were found. 

Total: 6.66/10 t’was good but unfortunately not one that I will remember later on in my life. For the Author, remember that the characters are what make a story great, not the amount of gore or details, if the characters is not a character but a cardboard with life no one is going to root for it or care for it. That being said you surely know how to make a poor teenager lose all hope in the fair sex. Good Job.

Nice review Dorito.
*pat pat*