[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Summary:: Big Mac and Sugar Belle are now a thing, and married too. But what about Marble Pie? Doesn't anyone remember that look on her face? What was going on in her mind when she saw that?

Initial thoughts: Okay it states off right off the bat this story is based off a song. I admit I never heard of the song before and it's not really my cup of tea, but I'm not here to judge a song. I'm judging this story. And well...to be honest. It was boring. Now to be clear. This story is technically labeled as Romance, Slice of life and sad, and yet the only thing I got out of that was slice of life with just like a small bit of the sad. I will dive more into this but for now, this story needs work. 5/10

Heart of the story: The heart of this story is Marble Pie. She is the only character, and the one we are supposed to care about., I'm sure there's 100 and 1 ways this could have been achieved with more success but this story just doesn't do it for me. I care about Marble and felt bad for her, but the story doesn't support her struggle. She comes off as so "Ooc" at times, you question if she's Marble or just some Oc verison of her. The way it was written as a diary didn't aide in any in my opinion. Diary stories, if you've never heard of them are this:
Google translate: One popular format for a story is a diary or journal format, in which the story is told through the point of view of one character writing his thoughts and describing events in his diary. ... You may be able to use some of these thoughts later.
So what does that mean? It means Marble is writing this in a diary, and the story is us reading it, but I never would have really noticed it if not for how it was formatted. It says quite a few times she stops writing. That brings us out of the element. And I feel it should have been a lot more cohensive in it's formatting and structure. Granted, I am not an expert in this, but it could have come off a lot stronger for the emotions of Marble aren't leaking through to the reader. At least not to me. 4/10

Characterization: : Marble Pie is the only character and for what we get, she's mostly okayish, but there's a moment right in the minute where she acts so OOC I had to stop and question if this was Marble at all. The writer makes up for it in the end, but the thought process is too adrupt. As someone who deals with being a bundle of emotions, this is not how this works. You don't go from angry to sympathetically in a blink of an eye. That's just not how it works. 5/10

Story/Concept: : This "concept" as I've said, it's not very orginal and I'm not really sure what the writer wanted to accomplish. Granted, it does have a few moments where you feel just a bit for Marble, but it's too repetitive, and too bland for most readers to enjoy it. 4/10

Originality/Execution:: There's no originality here so how's the execution? Choppy, repetitive, and it doesn't make me feel for Marble. A piece like this is supposed to make you sympathetic and sad, and I'm just sighing that I have to say that this story as is is a complete mess. There's too many moments within that could have been structured better. The idea itself can be good, if done right. But this needs work. 4/10

Overall score and final thoughts: : This was a diary story about Marble Pie's view on Big Mac and Sugar Belle's wedding, and while I can see what the author was trying to do with tying in the song, it just didn't do it for me. The narration and flow of the diary gets interrupted and brings me out of the moment, the characteristic is choppy, and the story feels very repetitive, and lacks emotions.

Total score: 5+4+5+4+4=22/50
4.4/10

Headpat worthy:
Boop worthy:
Meh worthy:: Yes
Cringe level:

To the author: Don't be discouraged, sometimes it may seem hard to take criticism but I'm here to help you improve, so if you have any questions free free to ask, and you can only improve from here!
Next up is Tela's Tales by Firefoxino. See ya soon!