Fun and Games

Written by

Nailah

Summary: Tartarus...trapped forever together as partners in crime, Cozy Glow and Tirek have to deal with each other, and that isn't always easy when you hate each other. But can they agree long enough to enjoy a game? Find out.

Analysis: Wow, this story has quite a few errors. (The editor needs to hold him/herself to a higher standard. No offense to this person, but this needs a lot of editing.) The story had a decent plot but failed to elaborate on it. There could have been so much more to this story, describing the game, more witty jokes, and more hilarity. Sadly, even though I could call this a cute story that can be enjoyable, it's lacking in quality.

Writing. 3/10 There isn't anything misspelled in the sense of how a word is spelled, but the grammar is horrible. We have small things like needing an exclamation point,

“Owwwww. (This should be a !) Cozy Glow, I swear I'd send you to Tartarus if we weren't already there!”

To not clarifying that said character is thinking.

“No thanks, I'd rather just sleep.” (I'd put something here along the lines of Tirex grumbled as he started to think about his poor judgment. It'd give so much clarity. also, lose the //. Those look tacky and unneeded. //I tire of this stupid filly and her games, why did I choose her to be my student?//

To the constant act of bad wording, lack of commas, and just bad descriptions.

“I'm not in the mood for games Cozy. We're stuck in this place for who knows how long and the only thing I want right now is for you to leave me alone.” muttered Tirek crossing his arms across his chest. (I'd change this whole thing to something like this. Tirek muttered sternly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

This story needs another editor who can try and fix this. With all of the errors and bad grammar, it'd take a bit to fix this story.

The Plot of the story: 5/10. The premise of Cozy and Tirek playing a game is interesting, but it's lacking when the story doesn't use that plot to go anywhere but for a chess game that could have had a better description, going over their styles and even trying to cheat a few times. The plot doesn't do much, and that's sad. I could see so much more coming from a premise like this.

Story flow. 4/10 Well, let me show you the first two paragraphs first.

Tarturus certainly wasn’t all fun and games for Cozy Glow and Tirek. Cozy Glow reached out towards Tirek, trying to grab his attention.

“Cozy Glow, what do you want this time?” muttered Tirek. It was rather bleak in hell. Everything was void of color, the bars of the cages the brightest thing they saw. The peaks around them kept them from seeing anything on the outside. The only thing to look at was one another, and Tirek was sick and tired of dealing with Cozy Glow and her antics.

I would have taken most of the second paragraph and placed it on the first one. The chess match was rather quick and needs more details. The ending was abrupt, ending with the evil laughter cliche. (Another thing, you didn't need your name and the name of the story at the top of the story. It's already over the story, and it's the name of the chapter. And there is a box for your author notes.) It's so much build-up for such a small climax. I want more, and I am not seeing it.

Final score 12/30-4/10

This story can be salvaged with some major editing and more story. It's just not great in my opinion. It's lacking so much flavor that can be added with some more details. It's a decent story, but it needs a lot of work to become a great one.

Note for Nailah. I hope you are not upset with me because of this review. I wanted to be honest about it and point out what I thought were problems. I want you to be able to improve and add more to short stories like this. I have done many reviews for short stories and I have rated them highly. This just needs some work. If you want, we can talk to the other reviewers about this and we can see how it can be improved. I can also let you review one of my stories if you wish to be able to judge me in return.