[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

I read: Completed at 3,809 words, 1 chapter
I rate: 5/10
I recommend: Skip unless you like the Wonderbolts

And here we go again. You know, having watched DWK’s Totally Legit Recap series, my opinion of Fleetfoot is not totally unlike my opinion of Bill Cosby; funny, yes, but not really somebody you’d invite over for drinks. Anyhow, my point is that it's refreshing to see a more sympathetic take on the character, especially one with a bit more nuance to it than “fetishistic psychopath” tends to offer.

So the basic story here is that Fleetfoot goes flying one day, pisses off the Everfree Forest, and is struck blind as a result. That’s it then. There’s not much apart from that and, well, short stories don’t need many scenes and most should’ve have many scenes but I really do feel that the plot is lacking here and the conclusion could be better thought out. Yes, there’s emotional conflict. Yes, there’s a definite beginning and an end. However, the story is paced in such a way that the end comes fairly abruptly, just when the story is getting intense. Its like watching the final confrontation between two enemies and the movie just ends when the hero walks into the villain’s sanctum. There is very much a sense of this being rushed or unfinished here and it does spoil the rest of the story - we have a buildup, but no climax.

Now, this isn’t a rare idea actually. It's called the three-act structure and, in terms of writing, it's more popular than MLP, beer, and putting your trousers on one leg at a time all combined. Act one is the introduction. Act two is the conflict. Act three finishes the conflict with the climax and then finishes the story. Here we have act one but the others are lacking. The story shunts the reader straight from 0 to 100 and then ends. Well, that’s not exactly true. Things never get that emotionally impactful. Even though Fleetfoot is supposed to be panicking here and is implied to suffer from anxiety, she’s written in such a way that she understates a lot of her turmoil. I suppose you could say the story goes from 0 to 50, and then ends.

That brings me to the writing as a whole. For characters, its fine. Fleetfoot is a likeable enough character here and she bounces off the rest of the Wonderbolts quite well. However, the narration doesn’t always hold up. The writer has a habit of making their paragraphs really long and that means that a lot of significance and variety is lost. Nothing stands out if its all contained in such a long bundle of words. Furthermore, it isn’t exciting to read. Even though, as I’ve stated before, our protagonist is blinded, you don’t really feel anything reading it. The first time I read it, I hadn’t even realized it under the doctor appeared because so little stress was placed on it.

Plot: 3/5. A famous sportsman being crippled and, thus, taken out of their passion has proven to be a workable idea. However, here, nothing is really followed up and the story ends before it can really conclude or provide closure.
Characters: 2/5. The characters are serviceable and Fleetfoot has some chemistry with Spitfire but neither are particularly endearing.
Style: 2/5. Long paragraphs, dull narration and underwhelming word choices do not make for an enjoyable read.
Execution: 2/5. A very enjoyable comfort fic indeed.
Overall Rating: 9/20 = 5/10

To Toriandthehorse: Your story has potential here and it is clear that you enjoyed writing it. However, I would recommend that you go over the actual paragraphing again and split it into smaller sections. For the writing itself, feel free to type important words or phrases in bold or italics for effect! It adds emotion to the text, which is something your fic is in need of. Furthermore, I also advise to rework the conclusion - maybe add another chapter showing Fleetfoot’s actual struggle with her new condition and how this Voice of Everfree is dealt with. Honestly, she could’ve simply blinded herself in a crash and the rest of the story would be fine. If you introduce an idea like that, why not follow it up?

For something like this: Shut The Blinds discusses similar themes of blindness and the difficulties associated with it. Rainbow Dash is the protagonist and it has a definite conclusion to it.

As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoy my writing, please check out my stories here.

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