[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

I read: Completed as of this review at 1,149 words, 1 chapter
I rate: 3/10
I recommend: Skip.

I’ve told you guys about Soarin’s Silver Lining before, right? I must have because it remains the only genuinely great story I’ve read a self-insert character. Too bad its a greentext floating around /mlp/ or I’d have reviewed it already. Anyway, this is relevant because this is a self-insert story and the self-insert here does not impress.

Ideally, you’d need to find a balance with that kind of character. 2nd Person is hard. Its hard because you have to consistently be able to create a believable internal monologue and realistic series of actions from what is a relatively unnatural storytelling perspective. Thus, self-insert 2nd Person is really hard because you have to do all the above and make the character be so inoffensive that you can put yourself in his shoes without a hitch. That’s hard because it tends to sap any kind of personality from him - hence you get loads of Isekai with completely cardboard cutout self-insert leads. (I know isekai anime isn’t 2nd person but you get the gist.)

So, we’ve established that this kind of story lives and dies on its protagonist and its narration. And here the writer does not get the story into the air. Normally, I don’t care about one or two grammar errors - nobody perfectly in real life either. However, I do care when you have two hundred of them. I do care when the story is so poorly written that it is legitimately hard to parse and understand. That is the issue here and the mangled prose totally undercuts any plot or characterisation that might be taking place.

In case you were wondering, the plot here is that you (yes, you) are some kind of MMA fighter and a good one at that. You’re also an alcoholic but that, unfortunately, is a bit easier to understand - at least in my case. Anyway, you’re knocking back Absolut in your favourite dive bar when your old friend Rainbow Dash turns up to celebrate… something? Yeah, this isn’t really that well transmitted. Another issue here is that this doesn’t need to be a self-insert story at all. The writer could’ve used an OC or he could’ve used an already athletic character like the aforementioned Soarin instead to tell this story - that way the plot wouldn’t conflict with any preconceived notions of a story that’s supposed to be about us.

And I bring up the preconceived notion bit because it is also important for this. We have a mystery here - of what exactly went down between you (yes, you, the alcoholic MMA guy) and the Main 7. However, that sort of struggles because I presume I would remember this and it would come up in the narration because, sure, I might be a punch-happy drinker, but I’d probably remember pissing off my ex-girlfriend that badly. I mean, I do in real life.

Plot: 2/5. The idea is unremarkable and little of it gets through the poor writing.
Characters: 1/5. The self-insert feels like he should just be another character for whom the story is written in 2nd Person (which, let me remind you, is a thing you can do)
Style: 1/5. This is legitimately hard to read, it has so many spelling errors and grammar mistakes.
Execution: 1/5. Again, if I can’t read it, I can’t like it. The self-insert idea is clumsy and the mystery feels contrived.
Overall Rating: 5/20 = 3/10

To Applejackisbest: Please get an editor. That is my first and, honestly, my only advice apart from what I’ve already said. Even something like Grammarly could help here. Frankly, a spellchecker could help here. There is a writing guide on FimFiction. Read it if you haven’t already and revise it if you have. If I can’t understand the story - if the prose is that bad - I can’t tell whether or not I’m enjoying myself.

For something like this: 
A lot of /mlp/ writefaggotry (their term, not mine) also uses 2nd Person and self-inserts. If you’ve willing to brave 4chan to find it, you’ll be well rewarded.

Soarin's Silver Lining would be the exemplar of this genre of fanfiction in my humble opinion, but it does come with the caveat that it does with some very mature themes and has scenes that can be interpreted as child abuse. It can't be posted on FimFic for that reason, as well as the greentext formatting, so proceed at your own risk.

As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this review, when not check out my own take on 2nd Person writing here?

7009753
The monkey has spoken!