• Published 17th Jan 2019
  • 430 Views, 2 Comments

Equestrian Nightmares - leeroy_gIBZ



Evil lurks in Equestria. Stories about that evil lurk in this anthology.

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The One with Pinkie Pie in it

It sounded like a straightforward request when you first heard it. Apparently, Pinkie Pie, a waitress at your favourite café, was rather fond of you. Come to think of it, you were also rather fond of her, especially after a few drinks. So when one of her friends, an abrasive rainbow-haired Pegasus, suggested you ask her out, you did so almost immediately.

To make a long story short enough to fit with the style of this anthology, Pinkie said yes. In fact, she invited you over her apartment above Sugarcube Corner for dinner. To say that you were thanking your lucky stars was an understatement, you were prepared to donate Luna both of your kidneys if she requested them.

You appeared at the door to the café holding an annoying expensive bottle of apple brandy. A gorgeous mare invited you in almost immediately and led you inside. She wore a polka dot cocktail dress and a good two pounds of makeup. Not that you were complaining, it all accented her features and you liked them quite curvy. Who doesn’t?

Only after you sat down a table for two in the now-romanticised café, complete with rose petals and candles, you realized that the mare was actually your date. You were used to seeing Pinkie in nothing at all, or an apron at the most.

Apologizing, she rushed off into the kitchen, likely to fetch dinner. She returned a minute or two later, carrying two platters of steaming food. Pinkie explained that it was Prench, totally organic, and hot as Tartarus itself. You were pleasantly surprised to see that it was a steak and chips. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d eaten meat, it must’ve been years by this point, before you were sucked into the world of your favourite cartoon.

But honestly, you didn’t really care for dinner. You wanted to skip straight to “dessert” but Pinkie did manage to be an interesting conversationalist. It turned out that there was more to her character than just baking pasty and hosting parties. For instance, she was also a fantastic buckball player, and she the flanks to prove it.

Eventually, your conversation drifted back to the café itself and, with it, Fleur des Lis. The mare was, curiously enough, one of your drinking buddies, formerly anyway. You two had hit it off over a discussion of modelling, her being one and you having had a tendency to binge watch Project Runway. But she had moved back to Canterlot quite suddenly one day a few weeks ago, not even saying goodbye. Pinkie, you recall, had hated her for some or other reason, likely because Fleur didn’t particularly enjoy cake due to its figure-ruining properties.

Pinkie went on and on after that about how delicious and tasteful the meal was. Personally, you thought it was fine at best, maybe a bit on the rare side and the seasoning could have been a bit better. Beef was a nice change from pastry and vegetables, certainly, but the party-pony had begun to grate. Mostly because she mentioned that she was saving herself for marriage.

You reached for your jacket just as a thought dawned on you. Fleur was Prench. And you had just devoured a plate of Steak au Poivre et Jument. Damnit.

Pinkie’s grin grew to maniacal proportions as the bile rose in your throat and the colour drained from your face. You had just eaten a pony. You retched and gasped as your date stuffed a cupcake into your mouth, its tranquilizing properties kicking in almost instantly. Not again.

Slack-jawed and lying near-comatose on the floor, you heard the doorbell ring. It was Rainbow Dash. All you could pick up were a few phrases, like “eye candy” and “ice cream scoop.” You guess that you really did come over for dessert after all.

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