Hello friends! Hope you all had a good week!

Today's story is one by our very own founder, Azure. And it’s also a Mature story (yes, I do those too!).

[Adult story embed hidden]

This one is something new in my reviews so far: it's a sequel fic. If you want to read the review for the preceding fic, check out this review by Schatten, apparently written back when he hated paragraphing with a burning passion. Incidentally, he’s also the editor for both stories, but this review will be mainly focusing on the sequel.

Also, it suddenly occurs to me that I'm going to be reviewing a story that’s been worked on by both the group admins. 

>~<;

Review

SPOILER WARNING! This review is going to be discussing some things that happen within the fic.

Adventure of Parenthood is a fic constructed of several sequences revolving around Black Death (the dragon) and Danger Do (the pony), and their child, Fiery. The story is told in first person perspective, with a very strong personal voice.

Starting off with reading through Chapter 1, the first thing I noticed is that Azure has managed to nail the characterisation of Black Death pretty well. The narration is always an interesting thing to read, with Black Death’s personal voice shining through in a pretty fun way. His personal voice is usually obsessed with cuddles and sex, but hey, it’s a personal voice nonetheless.

But then reading onward through the first two chapters, something happened. I was just reading through the little family drama unfolding in front of my eyes, when I was hit by a surprising revelation.

I didn’t care about anything happening in the story at all. In a word, I was bored. 

And usually, that's a really strong sign that there's something really important missing from the story. So let’s take a closer look, shall we?

First, let’s look at the story as a whole. There are four major sequences in the story that I can see. The first sequence is the most interesting one by far; two chapters of the story of Black Death’s family coming to terms with the fact that he’s chosen a pony as his mate, and the implications of that. The next sequence takes place in Chapter 3, in a scene where Danger gives birth to Fiery. We get to see everyone’s reactions to the baby, as well as the baby’s reactions to everyone. The third segment sees Black Death and his new daughter meeting his old friend, Angorik the griffon, and listening to the story of how the two met. This is cut off sharply with the fourth sequence, which explores more of how Daring’s side of the family reacts to the new baby.

Here’s my first problem with the story. Y’know how I always talk about story structure in my reviews? Well!

This story is not structured at all, just a series of events happening somewhat in succession. The story occurring in the first sequence is barely related to the second, is barely related to the third. The whole fic feels disjointed and incredibly messy. Any interest I might have had in a previous sequence is just lost when the next sequence starts, because the two are just unrelated stories.

Though that wouldn’t be a problem if the individual sequences stand as stories on their own. So — do they? The answer to that won’t be found by looking only at the biggest picture, so let’s go a little smaller!

The first sequence lasts two chapters, for a total of 9.7k words. And within these 9.7k words, Azure tries his best to write about the following:

1. The introduction to Black Death’s parents.
2. Black Death’s mom confronting the duo about her disapproval with their relationship.
3. The duo’s possible future as a couple.
4. Black Death’s mom’s own relationship to both her husband and her son.
5. Black Death’s misconceptions about his mother.
6. Black Death’s relationship to his family as a child.
7. Danger’s future place in the family.
8. Dragon culture, implied throughout but briefly explained

Does that feel like a lot of content to you? Because it is a lot to be contained within 9.7k words, and it shows. Everything feels like it should have had more time to develop. A lot of important information is just left out of the story; as a result, this chapter has many confusing concepts. For example, the characters mention something about a hierarchy of dragons based on their colours, as well as some community of elite dragons or something. Unfortunately, these are ideas just referenced in passing dialogue, so they just make no sense to us when they’re introduced.

More grievously, this missing information extends into characters. We know just about nothing about Black Death’s mom and dad before they launch into the argument, and the resulting drama is a lot less engaging for it. We’re not shown Black Death’s existing relationship with his parents, which make a lot of the moments later hit a lot weaker than they might have.

Speaking of Black Death’s relationship with his parents: here we get to the most important issue. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything important at stake for Black Death here. Sure, he might care about his relationship with his parents and how it might be affected because of Danger, but like I said, we don’t know anything about how much he values this relationship anyway, so it doesn’t feel like it matters. He could just tell his parents to get the heck out of his home and never bother him again, and he wouldn’t be much worse for wear for it.

That’s just the first sequence; the next three sequences can be summed up in a much more concise way.

Filler.

The three sequences following the first one have no substance more than serving as fluff. I read through the second sequence and my eyes started glazing over halfway, because there’s absolutely no story to be found here! These three sequences just contain multiple ponies reacting to Fiery, with nothing of the ‘adventure of parenthood’ that the story description promises. 

Each new sequence also just randomly introduces new characters to the story for seemingly no reason. The first sequence introduced the Do parents and the dragon parents. The second introduced Helping Hooves, the midwife, who just appeared in the lair between chapters, apparently. The third, Angorik, some griffon Black Death knows from some time in the past. The last, Never Ending Do, Danger’s brother. 

There’s not much effort to develop them further than just their first appearance (so far, though the latest sequence looks like it’ll be growing), so they just feel like cardboard cutouts, especially Helping Hooves and Angorik. I’d question why they’re even in the story in the first place, if I weren’t so busy also questioning why half the story exists as well.

Scores

Grammar and Use of Language
First of all, I just want to say that the possessive form of “Fluffy” is “Fluffy’s”, and not “Fluffies”! 

That said, the grammar in this story is alright. It’s not so terrible that it’s immersion-breaking, but the typos, grammar errors and awkward sentence structure are common enough to be pretty noticeable.
6/10

Characters and Characterisation
Azure’s characterisation of Black Death through his narration is pretty entertaining, and his parents also have pretty rich, multi-layered personalities. Aside from that, though, the new ponies introduced in this story feel very flat. There’s very little effort to try and get us invested in whatever new character that Azure introduces to the story, and they all seem very randomly introduced. As a result, all the interaction with them doesn’t feel very important.
4/10

Story Structure and Plot
There is almost none. The story as a whole has very little actual structure to it, and individual scenes are lacking in conflict and any feeling of importance to Black Death. I’ll give a point for the first sequence with Black Death’s parents — it would be more, but the rest of the story just ruins this.
1/10

In summary…

One of the first questions I was asked when I first joined the Discord server shortly after finding this group was, what’s my favourite genre? My answer was Slice of Life. After this I distinctly remember Drache saying that reading Slice of Life stories is just like reading about normal life. Why am I suddenly bringing this up?

Well, it’s a plug for the group Discord server, of course!

I’m just kidding. And to address the point, Slice of Life stories are not like real life, because real life is boring. Good SoL stories manage to make small events dramatic, even when everything’s happening on a tiny scale compared to other types of stories. By this definition, what Azure’s written here is not a good SoL story. It’s a story about real life, where nothing is dramatised or given any larger meaning, something that should never happen in storytelling. For that, I’ll give this story a score of 3.5/10.

Feedback for Azure

When writing a story, it's important to remember to tell a story. That means that anything that happens must contain the elements of story: at the very least, there should at least be some form of meaningful conflict that happens. Otherwise you're just gonna end up writing a running narration of things that happen, which is not interesting.

Question: how do you create meaningful conflict? Well, in my opinion, something that the readers feel is important to the character must be at stake. Let's take a look back at your first sequence. What's at stake in this?

Well, you've made it clear that Black Death's parents have no power to end his relationship with Danger, as he's going to be committed to her no matter what. So the only thing really at stake here is his relationship with his parents. 

Does he value this relationship? It doesn't seem so, at least not as much as he values his relationship with Danger. So, the only relevant thing we can say for sure that he values is his relationship with Danger. 

Because of this mismatch, the story feels very limp here. Conflict drives a story, and without a meaningful source of conflict, the story is meaningless.

In this case, the way to resolve the problem would be to give Black Death's mother more power over their relationship (so their relationship is truly at stake) or show that Black Death actually values his relationship with his parents.

So, uh, I know Azure's pretty proud of his work on the stories here. I hope my critique here wasn't too harsh!

As always, if there's anything you disagree with, want more explanation on, or just doesn't make sense, feel free to leave a comment on the review thread to clarify!

This is basically me right now

Read, skimmed, and fast read it. And it's okay really, but could be better.

The sequence in my opinion is a bit short but nice timing with Black Death telling about his parents, a touch of drama is great in my another opinion.

Some have capitalizations errors, but mostly minor words, anyway If you want me to completely review me the fic, just ask cause I have time to spare.

7005824
That is a nice review you made here with some insight of the story, thanks for that. I admit that the story, while I am proud of it, can be boring. Though, that was exactly what my readers wanted, I let them vote and decide, and there we are. I had a storyline for when Fiery is eighteen, means from there we really go on an adventure again, but for now, people asked me to write stuff about TBD, Fluffy and their child around the time it was born. Also if I really go that deep into each new character, I would write 100k and not going anywhere still.
I agree on the fact that this is like real life, and therefore mostly boring for some people, but that was what the fans/readers wanted, and by the comments and votes, they are fine with it.

Lets adress a few things you brought up:
That his mom has not enough influence to stop their relationship: That is not entirely true, she could just end it by killing Danger if she wanted, it is very clear she could by how strong she is, and, that she also can order it as azure dragon as well.

That means that anything that happens must contain the elements of story: And here is the thing, it does here all the time, it was exactly what I was asked for.

So the only thing really at stake here is his relationship with his parents. Does he value this relationship? : No, not so much, and that is his character, no point in change that for raising more interest in the story, he simple does not. I will not change the personalities of my oc's just to fullfill a better plot.

What I must admit however is, her parents, Dangers, by thinking about it, I should have put a bit more spotlight on them maybe. I mean they are mentioned, and they appear with the said background they got, but I think I was already ahead of the reader in my thoughts about them, so I felt short on introducing them. MOre so with Schattendraches 50k story comming up about them at some point. (He already has >25k written)

***

Anyway, thanks for your opinion and the review, I will crack the whip at SChattendrache to get this gramma score and Fluffy's stuff done

And did you made that picture? I like it

7005825
I don't mind more thoughts about it, I am happy with Cyonix Review, but if you want to tell your opinion, go ahead, just send me a PM or leave a comment below the story then.

7005824
And I forgot to bring up that I have a different view on Slice of Life as whole, let me quote the side description:

A story focusing on daily, normal experiences. Unlike adventure, the story is not driven by action or discovery of new, exciting things, rather bringing the mundane to attention, such as attending school or a dinner party.

SOL is the boring real life, if it is dramatic, it would be drama, if they go into some dangerous stuu, it could be adventure, andif they got to personal and lovely, it is romance. SOL, at least for me, is boring daily stuff without extraordinary events.

7005828
Hehe, glad you liked it

Well, I wouldn't agree with the decision to let other people decide what happens in your story, but eh, sure?

Anyway, I'll just clarify on those points you brought up.
1. His mom's power over their relationship
Yeah, maybe it's implied that BD's mom could just kill her if she's not happy with their relationship. But it's never explicitly stated that she would. There's no scene where BD's mom seriously threatens her life, and it's clear she cares enough about him to respect him and his choices at least a little. The stakes are not that Danger is going to die, because we never feel like she's ever in serious... danger :P

2. Elements of story
What I mean when I say this is that the story has no substance to it, not that the story doesn't accomplish its goal of pleasing fans. I'd say it does a pretty good job with that, given the story score

3. BD valuing his relationship with his parents
Would having him value his relationship with his family be out of character? I mean, it doesn't seem like it would necessarily be. Though this is really just an alternative to giving his mom more power over his relationship with Danger, like I said in the review.

4. SoL stories

A story focusing on daily, normal experiences. Unlike adventure, the story is not driven by action or discovery of new, exciting things, rather bringing the mundane to attention, such as attending school or a dinner party.

Bringing the mundane to attention.

All good stories are dramatic. Otherwise they wouldn't be good stories Though I guess it'd be more accurate to say that all good stories have meaningful story events?

Also, yes, I did draw that pic

7005834
Sure do, it is useful feedback

1.) His mom is a civilisated noble dragon, she is shown as well mannered while authoritarian, Black Deaths thought and monologs to ther reader should show that she could be very well a threat, he shows that at the birth as well as when she shows up before Fortuna saves the day.

2.)Yeah, it is mostly a series of cutouts from their life, not a story itself. More like a diashow of their life together.

3.)Yes it would be. He simple don't care so much about his parents, that is how I descripted dragons in general. HIs dialog with his dad points that out too. He also questions at one point if his relationship to them could be better, value more for him, if his mother was more motherly then azure dragonish.

4.)Well, the mundane is in the focus all the time here Though,m yes, if someone comes to find the key event here every now and then, he only get lucky at Fiery's birth.

Cute thing that picture, remember to tell me when you do comissions

1. She could be a threat, but she isn't, and it never feels like she'd resort to something so dramatic as killing Danger.

2. Yes, that's my point, the fic is like watching them live their lives, not a story. Just showing someone living life doesn't make a story, and it's not very interesting. Though if you were trying to just show them living their life I guess it worked

3. I mean, if he didn't care about his parents he could have like, not invited them or something. Heck, he probably wouldn't try so hard to convince his parents if he didn't care. Though I think discussing this would be meaningless if you don't want to change his mindset here, so let's not waste anymore words on this topic

4. I feel like I'd have to go into way too much detail to clarify this. So I'll just leave it as: SoL stories also need to contain all the beats that any other story has, just that they're happening at a smaller and quieter scale than say, Action or Romance.

7005853
1.) Thats fine with me, I mean we know she don't kill danger since then the story would not be about parenthood But TBD feels like he has to be concerned

2.)As said, write on demand by my fans, thats what they wnated.

3.)Oh he has to care about the consequences, he had to invite his mother for his firsthatched, otherwise, as also stated in the first chapter, it would be indeed dangerous for Danger Do. Dragon diplomacy is implied over the whole story and also the family reputation and all that for Perle des hohen Berges. So TBD may not care for being that good with his parents and don't care much for dragon family meetings, but he is very well aware of the consequences of anger his mom on purpose. Think of it like a common in medi eval, they may not care much for the king far away, but they do know what happens if they piss him off.

4.) OKay