Defect
Writer: MorbidTheBrony
Genre: Drama, Sad
Read: Completed at 3637 words, 1 Chapter.
Rating: 4/10
Recommendation: Skip.

Twilight build a robotic version of Sunset to replace the original, who died a few years ago. So far so good, and we get a few flashbacks to boot. The story basically details the day she finishes the project, her motivations in doing so, and how she reacts to the android version of her former best friend. That all is good, as is the cover art here.

However, the execution itself falls short in some areas. For instance, there are numerous grammatical errors and spelling mistakes in the fic, as of this review. Unorthodox grammar isn’t normally an issue but the writing itself can be a bit clunky at times and it flows poorly, with needless descriptions and unnecessary dialogue. Some parts are a bit cliche too, and I don’t believe that they are really executed well enough to warrant it; for instance, Twilight’s lab is blown in an explosion, yet the android version of Sunset is almost completely unscathed while nearly everything else is totally destroyed. Now, I’m not saying that this would necessarily be bad, cliches are popular for a reason after all, but some kind of original twist or style is definitely needed here.

Compounding the poor execution is the middling characterisation itself. Although Twilight, Spike the dog, and both versions of Sunset have distinct voices and agreeable personalities, those personalities are all somewhat weak and none of them particularly align with their depictions in the show, even when they would still be attending high school in the relevant flashbacks; for instance, when Twilight doesn’t know the name of a particular disease or type of screwdriver she’s familiar with. Again, there’s nothing wrong with a new take on a personality, or that characters can and do develop over time, it's just that how they’re portrayed ends up being a bit bland, and I don’t think the story’s fairly short length, under 4000 words, really does the emotional baggage Twilight carries justice.

It’s also rather confusing as to why Sunset would even demand that Twilight finish this project, building the robot, as a last wish. It seems rather out of character, and the way its phrased makes it seem like its just for the sake of the plot; wouldn’t Sunset’s last words be something about friendship?

Also, its left ambiguous as to whether or not the Sunset android can even feel emotion; its implied it can, as it hopes to be able to replace the original for Twilight, but this idea actually undermines other parts of the plot, such as Twilight’s fear that the robot would be incomplete. If it can genuinely be taught to act completely human, I don’t think that Twilight’s complaints about this are that important. This leads to another plot hole, namely, how can Twilight extract Sunset’s entire personality from a single piece of hair? This is glossed over, and I personally just handwaved it with Bro-Science but then, if Twilight is capable of doing this, why does she not know to take additional samples, in case of repeat testing or a malfunction? As such, these points render the whole scenario feeling a bit contrived, with Twilight not actually acting intelligent enough to warrant building the robot Sunset.

Plot: 2/5. Contrived at points.
Characters: 2/5. Not memorable.
Style: 2/5. Underwhelming, sometimes cliché and poorly edited.
Execution: 2/5. The premise is good, but it is let down by mediocre dialogue and phrasing.
Overall Rating: 8/20 = 4/10

To MorbidTheBrony: Honestly, I like the idea here. However, I really would recommend that you have something like this be proof-read before publishing or, if you did have it edited, please go over it again. I found it too short and fast to properly execute the idea, and a lot of the events in the story feel as though they happen just to move the plot along, not actually because it would be logical or appropriate for them to do so. I personally would advise that you have rewrite this, and add another 2000 or so words, as well as going over the dialogue again; it feels unnatural for all the characters, not just the robot. Again, I’m not saying that Defect bad; the premise is precisely why I read and reviewed this, but you can definitely improve here to do it justice.

I will admit, I jumped into this story without much real motivation. What Defect essentially was, after getting the idea just by watching my brother play Ratchet and Clank, was a test story to see if I could actually write Drama/Sad stories. What I didn't realise, while writing, was that writing stories like that are actually incredibly difficult to do.

Usually when I gain the idea for a story, in my head it's like, "Yeah, this is a great idea! This story's gonna turn out great!" And then when it's finished it can sometimes be along the lines of, "This... wasn't entirely what I was hoping for, but eh, it's not so bad." I know it's not a good idea to post it if it's not what I wanted, but I figured I had enough trouble writing this and it was good the way it was. I'm terrible.

I'm the kind of writer that learns when he's shown what's wrong and I'm glad this caught the interest of a reviewer that could show me. I work solo and I'm still a learning writer with a long way to go and I do appreciate the criticism. If I find the time in the future, I will take your words into consideration as well as the idea to rewrite it. Thanks for the review.