EThe Gift

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Scootaloo receives a message and a special gift she will always treasure.

• Scootaloo
• CMCs

Wings of Black Glass · 4.2k words  ·  12  1 · 580 views

Summary

So this is the kind of story that takes care of it's own description:

One day, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom receive a message and a package from a pony they don’t recognize. Inside is a vest, an ugly, highly reflective, bright orange safety vest. Alongside is an apology for an event they don’t remember, and the words “Hope gives you wings.” Confused, they take the vest and the letter to Twilight, who tells Scootaloo to put the vest on in order to finally receive the real gift…

So yeah that makes my job easier.

My first problem this that it seems to lack a proofreader or editor (I'll explain in the feedback).

I feel that the story should have the tag "adventure" instead of "Slice of life" because the story is focused on Scootaloo having new experiences with risks then focusing on the norms that the crusaders would experience with some difference. The story should also contain Alt Universe because the story differs from the main canon and is based in another story.

This is the only main positive besides what's in ratings:
The ending of the story made me smile (Its a rare that a story makes have feelings) due to the pure fact that the emotions were relatable and I think everyone could smile at that scene because the joy was extremely relatable.

Ratings

Link to character:

9/10
When I say "Link to character " I mean the ability for the story to have the readers to connect with the characters in the story. When reading this I personally can connect with the crusaders and their reasons, motivations and thoughts.

Structure:

1/10
This is where the story falls short, majorly, as I said in my introduction to this group I'm not a grammar person however, I can tell when the structure of a story isn't good. As I said this story really seems like it lacks any interaction from a proofreader or editor. I put this here because the pure structure of this story was distracting and constantly pushed me out of the story, as well as confuse me. (I will explain in more detail at the feedback)

Characters:

7/10
The character's reactions are both true to the show and reality, it was hard to be able to really give this the mark I did mostly because most it was hard to read and understand.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

Okay. Here we go.

Most of the problems stem from The structure of the story that an editor or proofreader would easily pick up on. And I ended up marking them for how much trouble it gave me which in itself is not something I would normally do.

• This gave me the most trouble that I marked this five times for extreme importance; more descriptive words need to be put in between characters and actions.
• I marked this four times for extreme importance; you really should try and distinguish who is talking and how they said it more often, because most times it feels that the wrong ponies are talking. And you should try and avoid using only dialogue when three or more characters are in the conversation.
• I marked this once for extreme importance; some of the description after dialogue is written in a way that it should be itself dialogue.
• I marked this once for extreme importance; The accents for the apple family really need work done on them because they sound more stereotypical then ever.