The Divine Epidemic by Muggonny

Summary:
A mare has a bad job in a forsaken place and things get down from there.

So the author did a good job at making the place unsympathetic, the boss a tyrant and her colleagues covered in their own problems. The writing itself is executed good enough to let the atmosphere of the scenes benefit from it, though, it is more or less the standard stuff. With only two chapters puplished it is hard to say if there is going to be a great main story behind it, but the start is just solid, not bad, not great, just solid.

What is raising curiousity is the intro of the first chapter after the prolouge, it is mentioned that some greater beeing is somehow involved and therefore there is some foreshadowing of events to happen. It give the chapter a nice touch, while it is at itself just be a bit selfreflection and slowly devlop the plot of the story from what I understood.

The last thing I would like to add to the summary is that the story missed it tags so far, it is supposed to be an adventure comedy story with dark elements, but so far it is only sad stuff and a lack of entertaining jokes or funny scenes. There are a few if you have dark humour, like the funeral that is mentioned, but not enough to keeps me wanting to read on.

What I would suggest because of this is, to change the tags and/or add more comedy to the story. The adventure is tag is fine since many adventures need a lot of buildup and can take their time, but if a story is labeled comedy, it has to be funny all way through, except for high empotional or atmosphereic scenes.

Pros:
The idea of a angry boss just raging around was caught in words quite good.
If it was the plan to make the boss unsympathetic, well done.
The bathroom excuse was actually true.
The funeral joke, that one was a good one.
This amnesia bottle works wonders.

Cons:
A little bit standart boss employe conversation when they are in his office, along with a bit to much descriptions.
There is a war mentioned but no further explanation to it.
Okay so far it is more sad than funny, even it hasn't the sad tag.
Well, more of a downway spiral how the plot goes so far.

Rating:
Idea: 5.5/10 There is not much to judge in only two chapters, but it is mostly standart stuff, with some extra points for foreshadowing.
Characters: 7/10 The main character is a bit pale still, the two chapters didn't make me care for her much so far, but the others like her boss for example are quite well descripted, fitting and in case of the greater beeing, interesting.
Entertainment factor: 2.5/10 Like I said, in matter of comedy there is not much, the adventure needs more chapters to build up and the dark tag, mhh, I would say it is more Sad than dark so far.

15/30 = 5/10

Though, I like to point out again that there are only two chapters so far and because of that, it very well be thatn in later chapters the rating would improve a lot.

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Not a terrible review. A few of your negative criticisms bother me, but that mostly has to do with the fact that the story has yet to continue, and only I know where it will go from here. I can say I have very big plans for the next chapter and that I plan on getting very innovative with each update. I'm also glad you recognized the decent writing as it is something I heavily focused on for the sake of a more endearing story.

I'm not sure if I quite agree with you on the tidbit about the comedy. While I will admit that there are some unfunny jokes I jammed in at times, they do remain consistent with the story. You act as if there were hardly any jokes in there at all, even though there was a heavier focus on them within the first chapter. If you just said, "I didn't find most of it funny," I would find that more acceptable as criticism. However, you say that if a story is labeled comedy, it has to be funny all the way through. I'll be blunt, this doesn't sound like logical criticism to me. There are comedies out there under the genre 'serious comedy', where the story is the primary focus and the comedy is there to balance out the dark tone. You could apply this to films like Fargo, where serious things are happening all the time, yet it manages to come off silly when it wants to. Same could be said for Get Out, where the atmosphere puts you at a tense state and the comedy is there for moments of relief.

There is a war mentioned but no further explanation to it.

I got that people would want me to elaborate on this more. Rather than draw attention to it, however, I wanted this to only be a small part of a bigger story. So there are very special reasons theme-wise why I won't go into too much detail on it. I can say it has something to do with the briefly mentioned 'Ceremony of Friendship.'

As far as the plot goes, I can confirm it will be picking up. I initially plan on having the story alternate between flashback and current events. This story is separated into three parts, and Part I will most likely be the slowest as I have to set up for the initial plot and introduce several characters. The next chapter, however, will be very big. It's actually incredibly difficult to write. So, it's going to be a while longer.

A little bit standart boss employe conversation when they are in his office, along with a bit to much descriptions.

I think this is the only con I can agree with. While I personally enjoyed this first scene for the sheer build-up (the moment OddLuck has her freakout caught me off-guard, as I got so into the writing-zone that I didn't plan for that to happen), I will admit that I think it could turn some people away from how descriptive it gets. To me, it adds more towards the story as P. Gander does foreshadow some things and it goes in line with some of the themes I have planned, but another part of it feels needlessly long.

I also agree with your perspective on the main character being uninteresting as that is something I'm trying to work on. Since I'm incredibly early into the story, I still have a chance to turn her around. I do plan on going back into her time during college and how she ended up where she's at now, but I feel it's going to take more than that for her to become interesting. My initial plan with her is to have her start off relatable and see where it goes from there.

There is not much to judge in only two chapters, but it is mostly standart stuff

Oof, if I can get past writer's block and release that second chapter, I can show you it's far from the standard stuff. That's not me stroking my own ego, I'm actually heavily focusing on getting creative with each individual chapter.

Thanks for the review! I would have appreciated a longer and more in-depth one, but I can't argue since the story still has so much to go through. I'll take a review with mixed opinions over a review with nothing but negative opinions anyday. I do hope to resubmit my story once I'm a ways in. Probably once I reach the story's second part. Who knows what I'll do with it? I have a tendency to not touch stories long after starting them. Hopefully, that'll change someday.

Have a thing:

EDIT: I should add that the story's narritvie-style was partially insipired by Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, a book series that is depressing with hints of ironic humor strewn across it.

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While I will admit that there are some unfunny jokes I jammed in at times, they do remain consistent with the story

Mhh, then I haven't noticed some of them it seems, keep in mind I am a non native speaker so some jokes may not make it over the language barrier. What I said about it was what I got from your story though, for me it felt like there was barely any jokes. There is a lot of serious stuff and descriptions and also much interactions between your main character and the boss for example, but real jokes was not so much noticed by me. Except if you count mild slapstick like she talking to her own reflection on the bottle as comedy already.

I haven't seen Fargo.

Since I'm incredibly early into the story

Yes that is an opportunity as well as a problem, for the review it makes things difficult when you have an epic long adventure story planned with only 2 chapters puplished. I wrote a sentence in my reviewer thread about it:

you should be sure that is worth a review already. So one or two chapters of a ment to be 100 chapter mystery story where no plot comes together so far, isn't ready yet.

***

I like that thing, have one in return: