Lillies By Moonlight by Grendel-The-Hutt
Rated: T
Word Count:3724
Sex (Not Yet Applicable) Romance/Drama/AU
OC, Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pants, Bat Pony
Incomplete

Description: Fleur de Lis, a mare of high society, and Midnight Clad, a Night Guard, meet by pure chance, leaving each other very curious. But ancient rules and mandates are in play, forcing Midnight to choose: Uphold the status quo? Or throw caution to the wind?

The short description got my attention, the story itself got my undivided attention.

Synopsis: Fleur de Lis and Fancypants attend a high society party at Duke Gallant Justice’s Estate. The Duke manages to get Fleur to himself with a special tour of his art collection. Meanwhile, Night Guard Midnight Clad is among the Royal Guards on duty to keep an eye on the noteworthy and their possessions. Midnight has a conversation about proper R and R with fellow guard Swift Sword that leaves Midnight a bit touchy.

Critiques: The biggest critique that I have is that there is only one chapter so far! One slight grammar slip I only just barely caught. Fleur comes off as confident to a fault, basking in the attention from everypony from the serving staff to the other guests. Yet the facade is shaken at Duke Gallant’s presence. Although she feels safe enough to be alone with him, I’m guessing a pony that already won’t take no for an answer on the small things would not be a pony to take a no on something bigger, but that’s just supposition at this point. If I had to stretch myself to come up with one more thing it’s sentence length. In the more descriptive passages, there are a few sentences of considerable length. While not exactly grammatically incorrect, I caught myself glazing over one paragraph in particular. But it was just once.

Comments: I’m really trying to come up with more than just “omg, moar pleez.” Fleur de Lis could have easily come off more snobby or haughty but skirted the line nicely. Her confidence isn’t unkind, nor does it come at anypony’s expense. Except maybe Duke Gallant, but there the expense comes from him throwing gifts and praise upon Fleur. I truly hope that whatever implications of danger I felt are overblown, or the author will have to tread carefully in the depiction of such behavior. That aside, the OCs in this story have the beginnings of depth to them and more than an inkling of an arc ahead. Also, I enjoyed the bat pony language, with translation in the author’s note.

Summary: If I have to add the caveat, ‘it’s only the first chapter’ one more time...

Well, it is just the first chapter. It’s a case of first impressions, really. The establishing description of the party does an adequate job setting the scene but doesn’t do much artistically. Establishing the scene can be lavished at the start or it can be layered in through our main character’s perspective. This takes a more utilitarian route. Serves the purpose and moves along. But we’re missing a hook.

There’s a fine line with just how uncomfortable one can get and Gallant seems to ride the line. That neither Fleur nor Fancypants don’t think to invite Fancypants along, even just for propriety’s sake, is a glaring omission. They’re in a party of nobles and notables, somepony is bound to get the wrong idea if the host spirits away a guest into his home. Gallant could take minor offense, Fancypants could back down, but at least a stronger effort was made to avoid a 1 on 1.

Moving on to Midnight’s part of the chapter. Coldly logical Night Guard with a strong sense of duty and absolutely no concept of life outside serving Princess and Country? It’s a take on Luna’s guards that I’ve seen before. Swift bucking that trend in the opposite direction is refreshing, but I’d like to see a glimmer of something else underneath the broad strokes of Midnight’s characterization and we don’t get that until the last four paragraphs. There’s subtlety and then there’s density. And you can be dense for a bit, but I hope that Midnight cracks that shell sooner rather than later.

I also don’t know where else to put this but weather mages? Instead of pegasus weather ponies? If this is an element of the AU, then okay, just an odd choice to me. And speaking of AU, there’s not a ton here to justify the tag yet, aside from a few very subtle references to magic wine, “bounds set centuries ago” and using the Nox Invictus title. The magic wine is interesting, if only just established and not actively doing more than making a horn glow (again, only so far). It’ll be interesting to see more of how this Alternate Universe ... alternates.

Score:
Content: I am quite content with this content, but it’s early goings yet in this story. Character motivations are sketched out, although Fancypants doesn’t get much to do so far. Implications with Gallant are a touch worrying. 8/10

Story Structure: One small missing word and the sentence length in one paragraph aside, this is mechanically sound. Story elements are introduced but not yet sketched out. An easy 9/10

Enjoyability: Well, if for no other reason than it’s only one chapter. And that chapter is decent sized, true, but leaves something to be desired in terms of action and engagement. Interesting ideas, execution so far great but not yet amazing. 8/10

Average Score: 8.3/10
Recommended as long as the story continues.

Thanks so much for the review!

The AU tag was added, as the story makes some changes to canon down the line. Not grand, world-altering changes, but changes nonetheless. I can't reveal much now, but I can tell you that things won't exactly be confined to just Fleur and Midnight.

The weather mages are actually sort of canon. I believe it was mentioned somewhere that Canterlot's weather was managed by unicorns instead of pegasi.

The 'Nox Invictus' title was an element I added, as Celestia is often referred as 'Sol Invictus' in some fanon; I just assumed a similar title was used for Luna.

Alchemical wine was just a fun world building element I played with. Since magic is so ingrained in the show, I decided that some unicorns engage in recreational alchemy for that pleasant buzz.

I'm very glad you enjoyed reading, even if it was only just one chapter. As you can probably guess, feedback is my prime sustenance, and getting it in such comprehensive detail is very satisfying indeed.