EIn The Sun's Shadow

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Sad
• Slice of Life
• Tragedy

Princess Luna begins to grow weary of constantly living under the glow of her older sister.

• Celestia
• Luna

Rare80 · 2.1k words  ·  20  1 · 1.3k views

Hm, Luna and Celestia dealing with their classic issues? This could be done well, or not. Let's find out!

The tense is present tense, a curious pick, but serviceable. It slips a bit in the second act into past tense at times. I noted the first handful of times I saw it for fixing. Beware, other than second person stories, most people expect past tense. Grammar: ★★

Use of show canon: Luna, Celestia! They're in the past! Wait, what's this? Luna has a love interest we know nothing about... who is an adult. She is, by admission, a filly. I have confusion in great amounts and a touch of concern. ★★

Character Consistency: Luna is going through her rebellious stage, alright, but she's... going about it very oddly. Nightmare Moon is alluded to, but not obvious, even after things are done? By canon, she should already be a thing. Is this AU? It is not. I have to mark points off for this revisionist history. ★★

Plot Flow: A telling of Luna's irritation and jealousy of Celestia, done through a strange lens. There is no annoyance about the day vs night. It's all 'You're mothering me' and 'Everyone loves you.', with the whole day/night thing tossed to the side. It feels like a prologue to an AU story, but instead it's a one shot, but not one that provokes any thought in me, nor is it marked AU. ★

Entertainment: I did not have too much fun here, I confess... I think part of that is the story not knowing what it wants to be. For instance, the OC, the love interest. His presence actively distracts from the plot, such as it is. Don't even introduce him if this is ending where it is. ★★

Overall: A story that seems to want to be a prelude of the show, but isn't true to that show. Be positive... Luna's speech was cute and nice, but that makes me wonder, if she has that speech, likely it is because everyone spoke that way before. Why doesn't everyone talk that way, being the far past? I feel like I'm being a negative reader right now, especially in the face of that vote ratio. It's not bad, but I can't say it's good either? Too many holes prod at me, and I hope I've made them clear. ★★

Do keep it up! I've read farrrr worse than this by huge margins. Maybe I'm nitpicking. I'm open to being called on it.