Story: Undead Robot Bug Crusaders
Author: Banjo64
Verdict: 6/10 - Rejected

The first thing that draws up one’s attention is the title… and how similar it sounds to the classic ‘Ninja-Pirate-Zombie-Robot’ trope. Making it even more interesting is the fact that the author didn’t use a tag more associated with this kind of theme: Adventure.

This comedy/slice of life story is a very nice retelling of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ adventures in an alternate universe where each holds a secret – and how it affects their lives and those around them. It is, in fact, a very good alternate universe setting with plenty of worldbuilding with engaging characterization from the writer’s hand.

I could even venture to say that this story is one of few that keeps Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo in-character within a slice of life, comedic setting that works well for it – and even addresses several fandom-contentious episodes in such a way that improved upon them immensely to the story’s benefit.

As for quality… it is well-written, but it has a few typos mixed into the narrative.

One such example – noted by a commenter, in fact, goes to chapter twenty. It goes as

‘Such magic has been unfathomable for millenia.’

When in fact millennia is written with two n’s.

They don’t detract from the story, but I’d advice the writer to take heed of his readers’ comments in that regard since they did point out the lines where they happen. No one is born wise, and one can goof up every now and then.

However, there is one point of contention that is also approached by another commenter. This happens in chapter nineteen. Here’s the content:

This scene has been removed due to excessive drama in a slice of life comedy fanfiction. Seriously, we don’t need to drag Diamond Tiara’s daddy’s daddy issues into this mess as well.

And trust me, you really don’t want to know the details.

This breaks immersion from the narrative. Badly. I’d suggest changing this line to a metaphor-ladden scene away from the CMC instead like some of the commenters suggested – and I cannot help but agree in that regard.

Concerning characterization, they are on point, distinct, well-written and it can be noticed that much effort went into keeping them distinct from one another through all of the story. In fact, there was character development for the CMC starting from chapter one down to the end, which is a joy to watch unfold throughout the story.

It is also of interest how the author employed the MLP universe as a whole to beef up his world-building, along with plenty of shout-outs to other creators’ content. Unfortunately for people such as I, it ended up getting lost. But I can certainly agree that the sci-fi ones were well-employed since I’m familiar with the genre somewhat.

I’m giving this story a six out of ten despite it being completed and being an otherwise really good story due to the effect that the removed scene so close at the ending had on us the readers by pulling us out of the immersion.

If that ‘scene removed’ were to be replaced with an actual scene that keeps the flow of the story going, or deliberately avoids it by – for example – having Spike pet-keeping or doing something or other, or having a background pony’s struggles being shown for comedic reasons as a deliberately obtuse way to portray Diamond’s story, I’d raise the rating up to eight and propose adding this story to the Reviewer's Cafe library.

I do acknowledge that such a change would be an effort, but it is one that in the end would work for the narrative’s benefit. Of course, it is my belief that a story that underlines the key values of the show – of friendship, acceptance, all within the spirit of the franchise - such as this is a good reading material for any age.