First Impressions

Oh my glob, that synopsis. This is about to be the most adorable thing I’ve ever read, is there a Cute tag? There should be. I’ve got my phone ready to dial 911 if I get a heart attack due to Diabeetus, Let’s dive in. I’ll try not to squee.

Well, there’s what I believe to be a typo in the first paragraph, but given that it’s “changedling” I’m inclined to wonder if it’s not intentional. The rest of the first paragraph is pretty standard, and you’ve avoided the weather opener. I think this might end up being a pass from me. Though with such a small wordcount you’ll be hard pressed to impress me. Let’s see if you can do it.

The Good

I really love the idea here, how there’s a whole new species of Changelings that just want pets. Ugh, so cute.

And the idea that Thorax has an old girlfriend? Yes! More please! No, seriously. More.

The Bad

This is rather slapped together, isn’t it? I understand that it’s a short story, but that should be all the more reason why you have time to give it several editing passes, and have other people look at it. Isn’t this supposed to be Comedy? I didn’t laugh once. And while, granted, my own opinion should matter as little as possible here, surely you could have at least attempted a joke if you were going for comedy?

And I was honestly hoping this would be cuter. Can we get a better description of Twilight’s emotional reaction’s please. I want to feel her heart racing as Diabeetus sets in. This has so much wasted potential here. This definitely needed to be longer. There’s very little attention given to the characterization, and most of the dialogue is just talking heads. I know it’s supposed to be a oneshot, but that’s no excuse to skimp on the details. Let me know what Twilight is feeling. Show me.

Oh and please give the queen more of a personality. Her lines are pretty shoehorned in, like she’s just there as a plot element and nothing more. She could use some attention.

I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions, and as always, Never Stop Writing.

Verdict 6/10 Reject