First off, how in the hell do you do that? I couldn’t figure out how to recreate the title text, so I actually had to copypaste it which is definitely why this review took so long, and not because I’m a lazy bum who can’t get off her ass and actually review things >.>
Anywho. Here it is, finally.

First Impressions

This is unbearably meta. I normally read just the synopsis and the first paragraph before writing this section, but you insert a line break so quickly I basically just read the first three sentences. But just from those three sentences I realized this is going to be in the same vein as Twilight Sparkle Eats Peaches, and look, your fancy synopsis even spoils all the fun.
However, for the first time I feel like my first impression of this story is best expressed by Sid the sloth. Take it away, Sid:

Let’s dive in

The Good

The imagery, while confusing, appears to be so by design. You are describing the abstract inner workings of someone’s mindscape, after all. Then after we arrive at Equestria things become more coherent, which I also believe was your point.

Your proofreading needs a bit of work, but is at least adequately done.

The Bad

Your characterization is almost nonexistent. Twilight and Celestia clearly exist to serve the story and nothing else, which again, I understand is the point, but it could be done far better, and is hardly given due attention at all.

Then the takeover just sort of… happens. There’s very little setup or suspense, it just happens. You’ve given me a ponified version of a child building a sandcastle and then crushing it with his foot. Encore, please. This is less a story and more of a dream you had. It can be argued that a story can be simply the presentation of an idea, but that’s… loose.

I hope you had fun writing this, but I can’t pass this.

Nitpicks

I do begin to wonder, however, if this isn’t an elaborate metaphor for how you feel about your own writing. How you feel everything you’ve made thus far is shit, and now you intend to begin anew. Poetic, I suppose.

I hope this feedback is helpful. Feel free to ask me any questions. I do apologize for this taking so long. And as always, Never Stop Writing.

Verdict: 6/10 Reject