Title: To be More than Strong
Author: Crono411
Amount read: All
Verdict: 4/10

Hey there! First of all, I want to thank you for keeping me in the job and submitting your fic! It’s not an easy thing to do and I really hope I can give you the tools and advice you need to really improve your writing. You seem to really enjoy writing action, and that’s amazing you’ve found that genre that you want to bring to the table, that’s half the struggle of becoming a writer, and with this review, I hope that you really manage to hone that and get even better!

I think the theme of this review is going to be understanding size. You have this absolutely fantastic idea! Honestly, it’s really interesting and unique and something that is special to your action fic. Which is great, but the biggest problem lies with how ridiculously short this story is. I got to the bottom and tried to click next chapter… then I realised that that was it.

You have a story that looks like it could have gone for honestly 60k words plus, and not only does it end prematurely, but it ends with unresolved conflict. There was this build up “will he won’t he learn his lesson and use his powers for good, and we don’t even get to see how that ends, it just ends before he faces what the *entire* fic was centralised around, his promotion. In fiction, you need to resolve your primary conflict (there are really complex and interesting examples of this rule being broken but it’s seldom and difficult to do right). But this idea is easily worth so much more than an itty bitty 2.5k words. Maybe the guard has to face something he has never dealt with before, maybe he has to actually rely on his comrades, maybe he learns how to empathise, maybe it’s an action about him coming to terms with his feelings. But the ending just makes it feel like a thought experiment or some really elaborate character reference. There isn’t really an overall story arc or sense of learning.

Secondly, a character doesn’t need to be likeable, in-fact complete and utter douches can be fantastic, they create conflict for the main character, or they’re an anti-hero, or they are the main character and they learn to be better. Your guy is a bit of a douche and he stays that way. He’s arrogant and blunt, and unnecessarily violent. I felt like I was reading a borderline sociopath, but he doesn’t change, he stays that way, your protagonist. Give him some change or something growth or even an inkling of something that shows maybe he is above his own attitude. But no… he just keeps that bad attitude from start to finish. This would have been better if there was maybe a consequence for this attitude but there isn’t any, there just isn’t any justification for it. It’s perfectly okay to write him like that too! You just need to have a reason for it. Don’t disregard emotion and characterisation and personal growth in action, because even though it may be action, it is still important to think about these things, otherwise as soon as the fighting is over what else is there to do?

You’re a really good writer but I feel like you really sold yourself short here by leaving this as is. It had so much potential to grow into a really interesting action story, and this is a big statement for me: I really have not been a very big fan of action…. Like at all… it’s one of those genres I just don’t really read, but I honestly would have tracked and read this thing. You stopped at the foundation, and for that, I’m unfortunately going to have reject this fic, but just know that you have potential, and I implore you to try something a bit longer. I would love to see you do something like this but longer. Good luck and I really hope that you got something out of this! I wish you the best in your writing adventure

-Milo

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Hey first let me say thanks for taking the time to read and review my story!

You know it's flattering to read one of the problems of my fic is that it wasn't long enough, and you are pretty much right about the thought experiment. I have been working on a bigger fic and have spent a long time learning how to be a better writer. In order to test how far I've come I have ideas for shorter one shots and put my knowledge to the test and this is the outcome of one of those tests. Which leads to my other struggle as a writer, charater growth and emotion, which is still an issue so not surprising to see it as one of the things being brought up. Needless to say you may have inspired me to go back and apply my more experienced talents to this fix and maybe even continue it.

I am happy to inform you I have another story that is much longer that I held off publishing till my talents where more up to par but it's FoE and considering you said not a fan of violence you may want to stay clear.

Anyway thanks again I am a big fan of the cafe and what you all do so keep it up!