Title: The Amulet of Shades by Sparkle Cola
Amount Read: All currently published (through Chapter Three: Of Libraries and Unicorn Horns)
Verdict: Reject (4/10)
Reason:

Yes, this review is finally getting done! Only took me a mite short of forever.

So to start, I guess I’m going to jump right into this. I saw a few issues with this fic, but the most prevailing one I saw was the headcanon dumping. As I type this from my stone collection inside of my glass house, I feel as though that the vast majority of this story’s ~35k words are just a dump of headcanon, be it lore or mechanics of the world. A great deal is spent explaining the history of the world and then the mechanics of how magic work, leaving you with very little plot to work with. The entirety of chapter one is just setup, and only in the ending portions of chapter three do you get much in terms of plot advancement. Even then, it’s not a lot: Tempest is in the very early stages of starting whatever it is she’s planning to do, and that’s it. Some teases are dropped throughout, but they never really come to fruition in what’s present with the story. Taking a while to advance the story is fine, but what’s present is very backloaded and doesn’t have enough story progression for how long it is.

The next issue I saw, while not as important, was still something that left me confused: how Twilight and Spike fit into this story. They’re easily the biggest dump of magical mechanics in the story, but in terms of the plot, they don’t serve any discernible purpose. Twilight talks about the Alicorn Amulet (which, despite breaking one of the fundamental laws of magic, she’s never thought to study until approximately 9 years after Trixie uses it), but not much beyond that. Spike also only appears to be the vehicle through which Twilight can explain these, but even then he’s not a great source of that because they both know these rules and know the other knows these rules, yet continue to explain them to each other. Their subplot then switches to explaining Spike’s sudden growth, making them appear to be even less related to the main story at hand.

Beyond that, the issues I saw were more minor and not deserving of their own paragraphs: how Tempest has been around this long, Celestia and Luna’s scenes don’t seem to be adding much to the story as it currently is, and the tendency to make very long paragraphs full of exposition that just throw all the aforementioned dumps at you at once.

So, in short, there’s a few big issues in this story that keep me from accepting it, as well as a few smaller ones. I think this has some potential in the history it’s establishing, but almost none of it has really been acted upon in the story yet. Maybe the future chapters will allow this story to act on what it’s been setting up for so long, but as of right now, it’s just all setup. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.

Fair enough, OkemosBrony. The issues you bring up - well, they are concerns of mine as well. I thought I had masked my exposition and world building in a crafty manner, but... eh. You saw right through Twilight and Spike's conversation, and have it pegged pretty accurately. Info dumping... guilty as charged. I hope it was entertaining despite that, though personally I thought I did a decent job of keeping interest high and conversation amusing.

You are correct that we are setting up big things here. I was hoping the readers would be patient enough to wait for it. Seems like it taxed your patience a little too much, and I am disappointed that this was the result.

Perhaps when the action starts and "the plot thickens" it would warrant more than a *cringes* 4/10. Ugh. Must admit I was expecting a little higher, but I'll take that and learn from it. My first story after all.

That all being said, thank you very much for giving it some deep thought in your review. I appreciate the scrutiny you gave it out of your personal time, so, thanks!

6407569
Been thinking more about this... ruminating as it were.

This whole time I have been trying to mash many concepts together, because that is what was developed between my daughter and I in December of 2016. It has been a point of never-ending difficulty for me since the outset. Too many good ideas. I have already put some others on the back burner (another side story).

I think your review has clarified a few things, so I will propose my "fix" right here. I am thinking I will make a separately published "side story" for Twilight's POV - some light humor and Slice of Life-ery stuff. It would contain all things with The Twilight arc (and its relation to an Applejack vs. Pinkie Pie "pie contest" arc that has yet to pick up). It would push everyone's patience even more.

Don't know if it would be allowable on here, but I would create those as a separate story (with content already existing in chapters 2 and 3 for Spike, Twi, Celestia, and Luna) and condense AoS down into all Tempest POV (for the most part) so the plot can move ahead. That way, the reader can get to the action much sooner, but the other fun material (which is going on the same day, just in Ponyville) can be read separately or not. The main character OC will then run into Twi and the main six when that time comes, instead of me jumping the POV back and forth.

I'll send a letter to the site mods to see if I would be allowed to relocate that material (Spike and Twi) and then add to it, thus making a stand-alone side story that can be referenced in the main story down the line. (I'll just need some cover art for the other stories... )

Did that make any sense?

6408949
The potential problem I see with splitting the story and having Twilight and Spike be their side story is that they're still somehow related to the story, as you mentioned that Tempest will be crossing paths with them. Having a side story would mean that people have to read along with two stories to really get what's going on, and that's asking a lot of people. I think the best way would be to keep Twilight in there (I don't think there's anything wrong with having two different POVs going on), but look at what can be cut out from Twilight's story. As I mentioned in the review, the main issue I saw through them was that they're just serving to infodump and that their sidestory doesn't seem to be close to Tempest's story. I think a little bit more of them would be acceptable, but with how much you've written to take, you're going to want to connect them soon so it's obvious why two different stories are being told at once.

You know your story best though, and it's possible that Tempest's story can be told sans Twilight's. If Twilight is only tangentially related to the story, then cutting her parts out could be beneficial. What you don't want is to either keep her story in when it's not necessary, or make people have to read two stories at once just to understand what's going on. Hopefully this has been helpful enough for you to be able to make a good decision on what needs to be done, though.

Twilight will be crucial, and Spike has his own role to play, though far less. The side story would be rather small in scope to the huge story that is AoS, and the main AoS will simply refer to the happenings that the side story would detail.

The plot over in Ponyville does nothing else but establish what those characters are currently up to in Equestria 12 years post Luna's return. That's it. When they start hearing about Tempest's exploits, then they become relevant.

And yes, he info dump was heavy. It will ultimately be unnecessary if I do a good job telling this story. I will leave these things as optional and omittable for readers who just want to follow AoS, but a fun diversion to read for any who choose to do so.