Title: Hunter's Catch by Brony-wan-kenobi
Amount Read: 100%
Verdict: Pass (7.5/10)
Reason:

I would like to state right from the start that I was a little back and forth on whether or not to accept this piece. There’s a couple of main detractors that weighed on my conscious as I read through this. And while I ultimately did accept this story, I would be remiss if I did not point out a few of the things I think could be improved upon.

As far as grammar and syntax went, the story was passable. There were a number of errors I spotted, ranging from what I perceived to be typographical errors (if I recall correctly, a few instances of ‘the the’ or missing apostrophe in contraction, for example) to inaccuracies, missing punctuation (commas), and slightly awkward phrases. It wasn’t by any means bad, but there was enough events in there to be noticeable.

Here are a few examples of what I noticed:

During the daytime hours, there were all sorts of all age fun to be had as ponies filled the various game halls that seemed to stretch on forever.

‘All sorts of age fun’ feels like a slightly awkward phrase to me.

Lightning’s back was facing him with her head looking upwards towards the clouds, perhaps checking for signs of her predator.

Upwards is unnecessary here because it’s already implied that’s the direction she’s looking at in order to view the clouds.

All of this escaped Lightning’s notice before she crashed into the ‘official’ mountain of Wonderbolt dildos,

I think this is supposed to be ‘until’ instead of ‘before’.

Sometimes there would be polite laughter over the tinkling of fine crystal glasses thrown into the mix, nothing like the wilder party life found elsewhere.

There are a few things in this sentence that are odd. I’m not sure how I should be interpreting ‘polite laughter over the tinkling…’ Is the tinkling a sound which their drowning out with their laughter? Are they laughing at the fact that the crystal glasses are tinkling?

Aside from the mechanical structure of the story, there are a few things that I find troubling in terms of the plot. It may just be me, but the whole idea of Moondancer moving in with Hunter, and subsequently the community he lives in, seems a pretty big deal to me which is glossed over rather quickly. I only took note of a few passing descriptors about it that were secondhand, meaning that it didn’t really do much to ground the reader into their situation.

For example, I couldn’t really take stalk of how difficult it was for Moondancer to integrate with the new community. A local teacher moved away, ‘for some reason’ as the story puts it, and though the principal voiced concern about how the parents will feel about her teaching, the plot device never ultimately comes to fruition.

Thus, the community never really feels alive to me the way it did in the prequel. There was some world building aspect that I sorely missed going into the new story.

By the time the second chapter rolled around, it started to feel like the events were going to be a collection of unrelated points (thankfully this feeling was not justified). The protagonists were going to some event, a party of sorts. I’m not sure if the ponies there were famous, but taken from the perspective of Moondancer and Hunter, I got the impression that some were at least semi-famous and that many of them were intellectuals.

What the party set-up, though, was the Lighting Dust arc. There was a whole portion of the narrative dedicated to finding out why Lightning Dust was upset and ruining her life. While the whole mystery part of the story didn’t really work for me in particular, it was perfectly adequate to lead into the story’s clop.

I do feel, however, that Moondancer’s history didn’t tie in well with Lightning Dust’s situation. The prequel set up a beautiful mystique to Moondancer’s past that was punctuated by a singular event which, while it did follow along with her history on the show, felt anticlimactic the way it was presented. She also didn’t clearly serve as a reminder to Lightning Dust of the consequences of self destruction.

Despite a few of my misgivings with this story, it was still quite enjoyable. The reader is able to connect with Lightning Dust’s plight, and the climactic resolution was enjoyable in that it wasn’t just satisfactory for the clop it provided, for that was also well done, but in that not all of Lightning’s problems were solved so easily. In fact, she still had quite a few, but through Hunter’s support she’s learning how to pick up the pieces. One of the underlying themes to this story, the hopelessness awarded to the individual who has lost everything, I can truly appreciate. Another award I must give this fic was that, despite its score being lower than the first, managed to have a more satisfying ending.

It is with these grounds that I am awarding this story entry into the Cafe.

I would like to state right from the start that I was a little back and forth on whether or not to accept this piece. There’s a couple of main detractors that weighed on my conscious as I read through this. And while I ultimately did accept this story, I would be remiss if I did not point out a few of the things I think could be improved upon.

As far as grammar and syntax went, the story was passable. There were a number of errors I spotted, ranging from what I perceived to be typographical errors (if I recall correctly, a few instances of ‘the the’ or missing apostrophe in contraction, for example) to inaccuracies, missing punctuation (commas), and slightly awkward phrases. It wasn’t by any means bad, but there was enough events in there to be noticeable.

Here are a few examples of what I noticed:

During the daytime hours, there were all sorts of all age fun to be had as ponies filled the various game halls that seemed to stretch on forever.

‘All sorts of age fun’ feels like a slightly awkward phrase to me.

Lightning’s back was facing him with her head looking upwards towards the clouds, perhaps checking for signs of her predator.

Upwards is unnecessary here because it’s already implied that’s the direction she’s looking at in order to view the clouds.

All of this escaped Lightning’s notice before she crashed into the ‘official’ mountain of Wonderbolt dildos,

I think this is supposed to be ‘until’ instead of ‘before’.

Sometimes there would be polite laughter over the tinkling of fine crystal glasses thrown into the mix, nothing like the wilder party life found elsewhere.

There are a few things in this sentence that are odd. I’m not sure how I should be interpreting ‘polite laughter over the tinkling…’ Is the tinkling a sound which their drowning out with their laughter? Are they laughing at the fact that the crystal glasses are tinkling?

Aside from the mechanical structure of the story, there are a few things that I find troubling in terms of the plot. It may just be me, but the whole idea of Moondancer moving in with Hunter, and subsequently the community he lives in, seems a pretty big deal to me which is glossed over rather quickly. I only took note of a few passing descriptors about it that were secondhand, meaning that it didn’t really do much to ground the reader into their situation.

For example, I couldn’t really take stalk of how difficult it was for Moondancer to integrate with the new community. A local teacher moved away, ‘for some reason’ as the story puts it, and though the principal voiced concern about how the parents will feel about her teaching, the plot device never ultimately comes to fruition.

Thus, the community never really feels alive to me the way it did in the prequel. There was some world building aspect that I sorely missed going into the new story.

By the time the second chapter rolled around, it started to feel like the events were going to be a collection of unrelated points (thankfully this feeling was not justified). The protagonists were going to some event, a party of sorts. I’m not sure if the ponies there were famous, but taken from the perspective of Moondancer and Hunter, I got the impression that some were at least semi-famous and that many of them were intellectuals.

What the party set-up, though, was the Lighting Dust arc. There was a whole portion of the narrative dedicated to finding out why Lightning Dust was upset and ruining her life. While the whole mystery part of the story didn’t really work for me in particular, it was perfectly adequate to lead into the story’s clop.

I do feel, however, that Moondancer’s history didn’t tie in well with Lightning Dust’s situation. The prequel set up a beautiful mystique to Moondancer’s past that was punctuated by a singular event which, while it did follow along with her history on the show, felt anticlimactic the way it was presented. She also didn’t clearly serve as a reminder to Lightning Dust of the consequences of self destruction.

Despite a few of my misgivings with this story, it was still quite enjoyable. The reader is able to connect with Lightning Dust’s plight, and the climactic resolution was enjoyable in that it wasn’t just satisfactory for the clop it provided, for that was also well done, but in that not all of Lightning’s problems were solved so easily. In fact, she still had quite a few, but through Hunter’s support she’s learning how to pick up the pieces. One of the underlying themes to this story, the hopelessness awarded to the individual who has lost everything, I can truly appreciate. Another award I must give this fic was that, despite its score being lower than the first, managed to have a more satisfying ending.

It is with these grounds that I am awarding this story entry into the Cafe.

Special Note: We're changing up the reviewing system a little bit. As you have already noticed, this review has received it's own thread. We're currently in a trial process where we are adopting this system of reviewing, and at the end of the trial period we will see if this is a better method of operation for us. We are currently allowing anybody to submit comments after these reviews, and even encouraging open discussion with everyone and not just the author.

6399912
These comments are helpful and perhaps I can explain some of my choices while writting this one. The first chapter was meant to be a quick update on how Hunter and Moondancer were doing. I will admit I wanted to add more but was satisfied with the knowledge that they were moving forwards as a couple and that they were planning on getting a new place together. As for the second I feel like I flubbed it a tad. I was planning on having a confrontation between Hunter and the other mystery writing mare, making her a member of the church. In the end I decided against it because I didn't want to write another Reasonable Voice type character. But I think it worked since I got to build up Los Pegasus.

6400485
Oh yeah, I am really excited about this little change. I am hoping it will help us show the authors that we care about their stories and helping them out as much as we can.

Yeah, I get what you mean. I don't think the opening was flubbed either. Perhaps it was an expectation it'd pick up elsewhere in their lives, and certainly one cannot focus on everything in their story, lest they sap the energy, the heart, of what its supposed to be telling. I supposed the expectation was only there because of the interesting dynamic at play in Moondancer's life change.

Hm. I see what you're saying. You're suggesting that perhaps the Los Pegasus scene might have felt complete with that, but you were worried about general level storytelling techniques. I wish I was able to provide more input on a work around that would have been to your satisfaction, but nothing comes to mind at the moment.

6400602
To be honest, I don't think the first chapter was flubbed. Again, Hollow Shades wasn't the focus but rather a quick look into their lives there before heading over to Los Pegasus. At the time, I really didn t have more to add other than the school house and later the gym.

As for the second chapter, I had an idea but when I went to write it down it sounded like I was writing the racist character from two of my other stories so I just dropped it. I had hoped that I had fleshed out Los Pegasus a bit while adding in a few interesting characters who might return.

As for future installments, I am considering one where lightning is talking to a den mother which is kind of like a psychiatrist in the clock tower universe. Another one is where Moondancer and Lightning are working together in the labs. Hopefully I will make those more enjoyable than this one was

6401211

Hey, this was still a very enjoyable piece. I consider you to be a greater author than myself. I shall study more and continue providing you assistance to the best of my abilities in the reviewing process as well.

6401261
Thank you