Name: Coral Grim

Gender: Mare

Age: 27

Race: Unicorn

Pony body type: Average

Body color: Royal Blue

Hair Style: second row number two.

Just the tail style.

Hair/Tail color: Tyrian Purple
Hair/tail secondary color: Pansy Purple

Eye Color: Lava (red)

Cutie Mark:

Appearance:

Appearance main color: Black
Appearance Secondary color: Fandango
Appearance Trim color: Yellow

Talent: Visualization

Personality positive: Atractive, Geinius,
peronallity secondary nuturel: a bit of Ambitious, Complex and Formal
Personality Third negatives: A bit of Assertive, Weak, and sometimes dishonest

Shortest Back Story: Coral Grim is born in Canterlot. She lost her parents at the age of four, but couldn't remember what happen. She then found her inspiration near a hospital, but she need some schooling. After she graduate from high school she then takes seven more years in collage. When Coral reach her goals to become a nurse. She then register at the Canterlot clinic at age 27.

5844687 So, there are quite a lot of problems with her. One is her name. 'Coral Grim' makes no sense, especially if her cutie mark is a witch's hat. The two colours of her mane are a little bit too similar to each other as well. Maybe I'm just colourblind, but I can see literally no difference between them. That's more of a nitpick than anything else though. I'm not exactly what you mean by 'appearance'. I generally take that to mean a pony's coat/mane/eyes etc. But you seem to be using it to describe an outfit. Most ponies don't wear clothes, especially not something that looks like a Gala dress. Such a dress would be too long and impractical for daily use, especially for someone supposedly working in a medical centre (more on that later).

Now we get to her backstory and personality. The first issue is the thing with her parents. I can't comment on this because it's too vague in your description. And by that I mean it's outright contradictory.

Knowing that they die, she now works in a medical clinic not knowing they died

Does she know or doesn't she? You say both in one sentence. I sincerely hope she does. How the hell could someone not realise their parents were dead? Even if they didn't quite understand what death was, they would still be aware that Mommy and Daddy aren't coming home.

Now for the 'working in a medical clinic' thing. No. Just no. There is no way that a six year-old child would be working in a medical clinic. It takes people almost fifteen years to study to be a doctor/surgeon in real life, and that's not counting the years of first- and second-level education before that. I don't care how intelligent and special you want your character to be. This doesn't work. Even if you're trying to go down the 'gifted child' route, the world's youngest doctor was seventeen. Not six. You can't even go down the pony-specific cutie mark route, since her cutie mark is a witch's hat, which has nothing to do with medicine.

In her personality, I'm seeing another huge problem: namely, the lack of problems. All of the personality traits you've given her are positive. That's not realistic, people always have flaws in their personality. It's even worse when you give her traits like 'attractive' and 'brilliant'. I also don't understand how a witch's hat represents 'visualisation', or how that helps with the medicine she shouldn't be practicing.

Unfortunately, Coral Grim is shaping up to be a bit of a Mary Sue. She's even the traditional definition, of a young female character who is the 'youngest X ever' and who has no flaws in her personality. Work on her backstory and personality a bit, and consider changing her name and cutie mark to something that better matches her chosen career.

Well i thought witches have a power magic, but i never seen a witch as a medical though.... and cutie marks is there talents so, but visual for fore sighting the future to help other ponies. Mary sue lol i don't think there is a witch that is a medical support. If there is then i guess i never seen it.

5846635 I have no idea what any of that meant. From what I can glean, you said "Witches have nothing to do with her talent, (which is seeing the future) or medicine, but that doesn't matter because it's unique". Except it does matter. Originality alone does not make a character, especially when it doesn't make logical sense within the context of the world.

I also get the impression that you don't know what a Mary Sue is. A Mary Sue is not a character who is overdone and unoriginal, although they can be. A Mary Sue is a character who is unrealistically perfect, attractive, good at almost everything, and loved/respected by most people in the story despite doing nothing to earn that love/respect. Mary Sues are boring to read about, for everyone except the author.

As a side note, next time you should consider replying to me using the reply button (>> in the top right corner of my comment). Otherwise I won't get a notification that you replied. I only saw this reply because I had left this tab open.

5846708 is there a way to not make a mary sue character? well i was thinking that flurry heart must be marry sue at a young age of an alicorn.

5846909 Flurry Heart is a little bit of a Mary Sue, with her insane power and special snowflake status as the only natural born alicorn. But she also doesn't have much of a personality because she's just a baby. We'd need to see her in action when she's a little older to make a judgement, and I don't think that's likely to happen in the show. The fact that there is a Mary Sue in the show doesn't make it ok for you to write one though. The show writers are fully capable of making mistakes, and Mary Sues are among those (such as Starlight Glimmer if you agree with a certain group of people).

Anyway, to improve Coral Grim, follow the advice in the final portion of my original comment. Age her up a little to make her chosen career slightly more realistic. Give her a real personality and include negative traits to bring her to life as a character. Consider changing her name and cutie mark to fit with the idea of being medical support or a soothsayer (person who reads the future), or do away with the medicine aspect and focus on the soothsaying. A story about a young soothsayer would be more interesting in my honest opinion. I feel like the 'child prodigy of medicine' is a bit clichéd.

Clear up her backstory with regards to her parents: does she or doesn't she know that they're dead? Again, I'd hope she does, because she'd have to pretty dense to not realise her parents are dead. Although the whole 'dead parents' thing is also very clichéd. Tragic backstories are another symptom of a Mary Sue. Although, when it comes to Mary Sue traits, your character should have at least one to two. They make her more interesting. Its quite boring to read about a character who is utterly plain with nothing of note about them. It's when you pile on the Mary Sue traits that we start to have problems. If you're going to include a tragic backstory, make sure to write it in such a way that it actually affects her. Have her miss her parents constantly, or be scared of life without them, or remember their final moments with horror, or be terrified of catching whatever disease claimed their lives. Don't just drop it every now and again for sympathy, and have it be totally forgotten the rest of the time. That's highly emotionally manipulative, and readers will take notice. Most people don't like being manipulated, and so they won't like your story if you try it.

5846968 it will be fix due in time and i'll tell when i fix it.

5846968 age changed, and personality not sure if that works or not i need some assistance. I didn't change the background yet.

5850460 Good. 27 is a lot more reasonable than six. It still gets the idea across that your character is intelligent, but it doesn't overdo it.

5850793 ok so that's good right?

5850793 Does my background make any sense yet?

5854601 It does make more sense. But remember, there has to be a good reason why she doesn't remember the death of her parents. That should be a fairly major plot point.

5854720 ok

5844687
You have a rather cute OC.

6432748
TY