Is all cleaned up.

This one didn't need much in terms of changes. It is now the eighth chapter, per the restructuring plan.

For starters, the first few sections have been moved out of the chapter. The section with the secret meeting of the villains has been moved to the end of chapter ten (which is currently being drafted), so it is gone entirely. The next sections dealing with the preparations to leave for Gatorton as well as the meeting between Chocolate Cake and the recently-infected mayor have, of course, been moved to chapter seven as you all are aware. This leave everything between when Nyx arrives in Gatorton injured to the time when she leaves again, having healed up and departing for Canterlot.

Specific changes have been highlighted in grey as usual. Most changes are very minor. Punctuation and grammar, or very slight word improvements which I have not highlighted. This should be a quick review, and I do not need you all to reread the chapter, since it hasn't really been that long since you did anyway. Feel free to look over the changes and comment if you see anything that is a concern. If not, I'll consider this chapter finished as well.

Thanks!

Notable changes:
I made it so Nyx was the one who broke the worst of the news to Willow, rather than Flitter saying it.
I added two paragraphs of exposition about Windy Scarlet's background. You may find this interesting.
Added some detail to the scene with only Flitter, Nyx, and Willow. There were some minor perspective issues fixed as well.
Removed some of the scene breaks which were unnecessary toward the end of the chapter.

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I feel we could build on the scene where Flitter casually mentions the injuries that Lily sustained in the explosion. At this point, Flitter could be using Nyxs injuries to distract her from her own grief over Lily since she discusses it with clinical detachment. Maybe add Nyx asking if she was okay?

I really like the additions to Windys section, it really helps build her character and reinforces the point that Equestrians are not soldiers. That and I really liked this section anyway

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Flitter is definitely distracting herself from her own grief in that scene, yes. It's too soon for those wounds to be healed, but from a narrative perspective, I've already depicted quite a bit of that grief from just about every angle. Milking it further might seem a bit melodramatic. The additional line or two that you've suggested, though, might be just fine.

Glad you like Windy's additions. hehe. The reason I added it was because that section with the three ground ponies walking back at night didn't really bring anything new to the table. New character building or new dangers or new magical techniques or new injuries. It's a great scene, but it's just reheated stuff you've seen before. I figure these two paragraphs sprinkle a bit of spices on top to make it more enjoyable for the more discerning story connoisseurs.

That, plus I made her Canadian essentially, cause Pawz (who said that the section needed something) is Canadian.

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I totally agree in regards to Flitter, it wouldn't be anything melodramatic or overly emotional, it would be out of character for her to say the least. Just a little moment of reassurance between her and Nyx before they start talking about something more upbeat

On the swamp section, a little character building always helps and Windy has definitely benefited. The little touches help bring the background ponies to life.

Let the commenting of this chapter begin

- Overall, this chapter is a nice break and return to "peace" which I'm sure will be quickly broken as things get crazy again. My only big complaint is that it feels like this chapter meanders, even though its effectively time skipping us until Nyx is healed and ready to fly to Canterlot. Actually, now that I say it, that is kind of the feeling I got. That this 11K chapter is just filling time until Nyx is better, with not a lot of new information provided. What happens is good. The things with Lemondrop and the first clues to the cannibalism thing are events worthy of being portrayed in the chapter. I feel like things could be better with a little trim here or there. I'll go into more detail with the rest of my notes.

- If I could make one big recommendation for the chapter, it would be to collapse the first two scenes together. Nyx is brought back to Gatorton, something we know is going to happen from the previous chapter. They meet archer, tell him what happened, but again, Archer seems to be filling the role of info dump as he was back during the scene where he and Nyx had a long conversation about her pip-buck. The chapter could honestly lead straight into the infirmary without having to see Nyx's arrival. After all, if Nyx wakes up in the Gatorton infirmary, the reader can assume that she and the others arrived back at the town without incident.

- The search in the jungle scene is a nice bit of tension, though its hard for me to gauge oh much tension you were going for. For me, Windy's complaints and backstory makes the walk feel a less dangerous then what might be intended. They are treking through the bayou for a purpose, and taking a long time to do it, but the alligator attacking the projection didn't have much impact, even though the ponies in the scene were scared enough to wet themselves. (By the way, gross detail is gross.) That actually sums it up best. The scene seems to want to be tense. You describe Windy as having her "adrenaline pumping," but then we go into her back story. It's sort of a pacing break of. It's like: "I am scared and should be paying super attention to everything around me, but instead I'm going to ponder my childhood. And I shall do so, not in a fond manner hoping for my safe return, but in a manner where I am complaining about my current situation and the fact syrup sales are down."

- I appreciate that Nyx is broken up about Lily. She has every right to be, but its coming off a bit stale when the only way Nyx seems to express this is through dialogue. Since the previous chapter I think there have been at least three incidents of Nyx approximently saying. "I wish I could have saved her." Someone else then says. "You did the best you could." Then the marry-go-round of dialogue is setup to have it happen again. In reference to Note Point 1. A few lines earlier Nyx makes a conscious decision not to mention what her nightmare was about. She just said she had "one hell of a nightmare." Then, with almost no provocation from Windy, she brings up Lily's fate. Having Nyx be mentally torn up about what happened is fine, but it needs to be approached from different angles otherwise it gets redundant, maybe even a tad annoying, for the reader. Nyx's nightmare was a perfect way for her to feel the guilt without expressing it in dialogue. To put it another way, this scene already has one Lily guilt trip. Try to avoid having it happen more than once a scene.

More comments to come - just breaking the post into pieces.

- Okay, I get that those two are in love, but the impromptu "let's have snoo-snoo" comes a bit out of left field and doesn't seem to do more than give Flitter something to poke fun at later. I understand they love each other very much and they are young, virile ponies. Still, let's review the scenes surrounding this moment.

1: Serious scary nightmare and the return of the bayou group.
2: Snoo-Snoo
3: Serious foreboding scene about what happened to the doctor.

One of these things is not like the others. Now, I can't say it doesn't entirely belong, but it does come out of nowhere and disappear just as suddenly. So... yeah.;

And actually, going to try and break my comments into individual posts. See if that works better than the giant blocks.

PS: I linked the video simply out of silliness sake. Don't read too much into it.

5423661 Sounds great, thanks. Looking forward to your further thoughts.

Quick note on Nyx's feelings of inadequacy... they're exactly that. Note: "Some Hero"
Her discussion with Daisy here is important. This is a good way to show the fact that Daisy and company made it back safely. But more importantly, it addresses precisely in what way Nyx is feeling inadequate. She's not strong enough. Naturally, Daisy gives her solid points about how we all have upper limits to our strength.

It may be worth using that dream to enhance this discussion, though! I hadn't considered that. The dream itself is highly representative of Nyx's experiences so far on this mission. There's probably enough material there for her and Daisy to have a good chat about it and explore her feelings of inadequacy from a fresh angle, as you suggested.

Later on in the story, Nyx has decisions to make regarding this change she's going through. On one hand, she's got someone encouraging her to embrace the greater strength that would come. On the other hand, she has someone else who is warning her that this is not a good change. Nyx's desire to be a stronger hero play into this internal conflict, and this first failure, with Lily, was an inciting incident for that line of thought.

RE: Windy's backstory. That was a late insert into that scene, which was my response to Andrew's complaints that the scene didn't have enough going for it. Incidentally, he's from Canada, which is why Windy is basically Canadian, now. But... perhaps this backstory can come out later for the sake of maintaining the proper tone in that scene. It's meant to be scary. Though it's never meant to be like "Oh my, I wonder if they'll make it". Leaving the closing details to Nyx's talk with Daisy after she returns provides further facts on the flipside of the tense scene.

Oh, and overall, yes, this chapter is about allowing Nyx to heal -- a thing which most stories sadly don't portray realistically. I remember when Fo:E had Littlepip downing healing potions one after another just so she could maintain the fight. It got really, really old. I wanted this chapter to feel not only like Nyx had a serious injury which required time to heal, but that this is a town full of warm-hearted friends who were an unexpected treat for our heroes. The subplot with Lemondrop and Willow is important still, and will come into focus further as the story continues. The biggest piece of critical exposition is probably the zebra journal, which will be important in chapters ten and eleven.

- I feel like scene of Willow finding the book could be folded into the next scene. Unless there is some significance about where she found the book, about the flower she put into her mane, the only thing that happens in the scene is Willow finding the book. Information that could be related to the others when Willow comes to find them in the next scene.

- The next scene feels like it meanders. We have this big important thing. It's a book, and its related to the doctor and the strange things that happened to the zebra. We should go find Daisy and Flitter right away. Wait... no... let's take a moment to comfort Willow, again, about the loss of her husband and then oh let's talk a moment about how Flitter looks like a changeling when she's asleep. Okay, now that we've done that, time to focus back on the book. I realize I'm being overly sarcastic about it, but it does demonstrate my point. Once the book is revealed, that should be our primary focus. That's what me, as a reader in this situation, want to know about, the next clue in the mystery.

- Next scene, book discussion. The introduction with Willow playing happy hose is strange, but that doesn't bother me as much as what comes next. Once more, we're seeing Willow be comforted about Sage. That's three times in one chapter, I believe. I get that its an important loss for the character, but the reader has no emotional attachment with Sage and barely, if any, with Willow. That and, as a reader, I want to know about that book. Daisy would want to know about the book, their first real clue. Nyx would want to show Daisy the book. It feels like there are giant neon signs pointing to the book, but the characters have to stop on their way to look at it to comfort Willow again. This scene could easily start with Willow presenting the book to Daisy, not even needing to explain where she found it. (Unless you remove the scene where she did find it. Then it makes sense to explain here where she found it.)

- The scene after that point is great. We get juicy details. Talk of cannibalism and a Destroyer. Of "known" zebra becoming the dangerous. It paints a dark picture of what the group might find if they ever return to the other settlement, where the mayor was showing some unsettling signs. There is also some looming danger of "if this is a disease, could it spread to Canterlot from the body they are taking back to examine."

- Next scene feels largely on point too. Nyx is out of bed. They play games with the children, take notice with Lemondrop, and plant the seeds of chaos that are sure to affect the town of Gatorton for months, if not years, to come. (AKA a local CMC branch.) The scene could honestly end with Lemondrop's spirits raised, and I would almost argue it should. The Sunset scene afterward feels a bit... the scene itself isn't rushed, but the conclusion its bringing is. Nyx only mentioned earlier this chapter that she's interested in having a foal, that she hasn't found a good way to bring it up with rumble. Yet, miraculously, she manages to do it without much hesitation as they sit and watch the Sunset. The idea that Nyx wants/needs to bring this topic up with rumble is something you could toy with for at least a few chapters, if not longer. In fact, during the Sunset scene, Nyx could ponder if it was a good time to bring it up, but then decide it was still too soon. That she still couldn't find the words, even if Rumble does set her up well enough. It would help validate the fact she hasn't been able to tell/ask Rumble about her desires in the past.

- The next scene with Willow I like, because its not about comforting. It's about her managing to find a bit of happiness. And it wasn't because everyone was offering her nice words, but because someone did something to brighten her life, and that was by doing something to brighten Lemondrop's life. At the same time, her mood swing seems too extreme for how broken up she was portrayed in the rest of the chapter. She can be happy, but I'd imagine describing it as a tired happy. Something is still weighing on her. She wants Sage to return, but for at least that morning, she had a reason to smile.

- After that, barbecue. This scene seems to come a bit out of left field, like snoo-snoo, but it establishes itself better because its longer. It feels like there's more reason for us to be paying attention, even as Nyx learns to fish. (Andrew is right though. That's one heck of a fishing spot.) It does seem like there should be more reason for the barbecue than "just because." Even a little bit of explanation that the mayor decided it was time for a cook out to help get everyone's minds off the zebra. Or because it's the second Tuesday of the month and they don't want to cancel it. Saying it happens ever so often is fine, but even in a bayou community, I imagine there has to be a little rhyme and reason why they'd have a cook out one day and not another.

And that brings us to the end of the chapter. Things are flying back to Canterlot. Evil things still lurk in the swamp. There is talk of a Destroyer. I wonder if it will take the shape of a giant marshmellow?

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There is talk of a Destroyer. I wonder if it will take the shape of a giant marshmellow?

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I appreciate that Nyx is broken up about Lily. She has every right to be, but its coming off a bit stale when the only way Nyx seems to express this is through dialogue. Since the previous chapter I think there have been at least three incidents of Nyx approximently saying. "I wish I could have saved her." Someone else then says. "You did the best you could." Then the marry-go-round of dialogue is setup to have it happen again.

Yep/ Recon has gotten a LOT better about this, but one thing I always encourage him to do use to use the physicality of his characters and of the settings they are in for emotional communication , not just dialogue. We are literally dealing with characters that were designed as literal cartoons with hyper-expressive faces . these characters bodies were made to be expressive, since after all they were meant to be characters on a television show where perhaps most of the communication would occur visually.

Now of course A novel is a verbal form of communication but I would really like to see the ponies communicate through more physical acts sagging looks sad faces beaming smiles what have you ... body language. There is so much potential for effective physical communication and I don't mean snoo snoo or any intentional act even .. just they way the body languaage of the characters would change through their emotional states .

What does Nyx ( or any other of the characters but in these scenes it would be mostly nyx) look like when she is frustrated or sad or angry . Don't just have her say she is sad have her body act the way a body would act when it is sad .

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Excellent feedback overall. I'll address these points next time I cycle back and get my mind in sync with the chapter Currently drafting ch14, so it's hard to comment on how I feel about these.

Overall, I think my biggest concern with these edits is how much it will affect the chapter's flow if I alter things too much. Right now, things blend smoothly from one thing to the next, to the next, etc. If I make cuts or shuffle things around, there's a fair chance it would disrupt that flow. And flow is a big part of this chapter.

A lot of the edits make fair points. Some bits like the snu snu are debatable. A minor break in tone can bring levity to an otherwise very serious portion of the story. Especially if it's brief. That, plus Rumble himself is like a walking tone shifter. He tends to play the part of comic relief in his own way, mainly in the form of quips and actions which demonstrate his capacity to remain casual in the face of mortal danger. That's his character, so we should expect this from him. I still need to write up his Let's Meet. In addition, Rumble's general regard of Nyx is an ongoing theme which builds up until we get to the climax of her transformation arc somewhere in the middle of act three.

One thing I think you've spotted is Willow's emotional state and the underlying reasons for it. Admittedly, it's a touch disorganized at the moment. This is mostly because Sage has not been confirmed dead yet. It may be a little unclear to the reader exactly why she's written him off without confirmation. I tried to show how it's because of the journal he referred to when he was getting sick. That she knows there's no coming back from that. Honestly though, I don't think I'm portraying her accurately. I mean, if a woman finds out her husband may have turned into a psychopathic cannibal, she'd probably react somewhat differently. It's hard to imagine, really. I may have to rewrite her entire reaction. A good time to do that would be after finishing the act one draft.

The thing is, she can't come apart at the seams too badly. She has a child to care for, after all. If she comes unglued, it would be disastrous for her kid. That's not really the aim of the story.

RE: fishing hole.
I've seen videos where a single grizzly bear can stand in a river and catch salmon all day long. It depends on what kinds of fish and the conditions of this particular river. Personally, most of my experience in fishing is pan fish like small bass and bluegill in Wisconsin. Eleven isn't particularly amazing. I should definitely tighten up the introduction to the whole BBQ thing though.