Taking the bus is an adventure. You see strange sights, meet odd people, witness fantastic events, and sometimes, just maybe, you might find love. Or a taco-obsessed maniac that insists on being a magical creature from another world. Either way...

Sonata is obsessed with tacos, magical creatures, ponies, singing, mind control, world domination, evil, conspiracies, complicated plots to overthrow a pony princess from a different world, and she also has a thing for finding magical artifacts that she insists will return her to, and I quote, "her unending state of great power that will allow her to dominate the minds of all living creatures".

I myself have a thing for her cheerful attitude and adorable smile, but I'm also broke and she's paying me a lot by the hour to be "her evil minion" or somesuch nonsense. I am not complaining. The pay and company are good. My only suggestion would be that she stops raiding every taco shop, I mean, for realzies...

3692541
OK, I'll play your silly little game.

What kind of opinions are you looking for?

Is this some sort of story synopsis you're working one? What kind of tags would this potential story have, as of right now it just looks like a short/long description.

What do you intend to do with the story in terms of theme, tone, and so on?

3692547

OK, I'll play your silly little game.

I feel attacked!

Just wanted to know if the short and long descriptions were interesting on their own. I guess the tags matter as well, so lemme add those: Sex, Romance, Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human.

I'm really disliking the fact that the new update adds the Sex tag like that. It's there mostly because of possible innuendo, but I don't plan to have any porn in it.

Heh, that sounds awesome!

3692550
Sounds like a self-insert "I date a character from the show" story. My expectations would be pretty low.

I wouldn't worry about the sex tag. It was always there before, and it means exactly what it used to mean before. They just made it look more uniform. I'm guessing teen rated?

3692554 Yup! Teen rated.

Anyway, I see your point. Any suggestions to make it sound less self-insert-y?

3692562

Any suggestions to make it sound less self-insert-y?

...not using yourself would be a good start. No, seriously.

Make it a story about Snips or some other existing dude. Sunset's all reformed now so what's a tiny troublemaker to do? (Yes, that one's free.) Or one of the characters EQG hasn't used yet which could theoretically from out of town.

I'm not even saying you're terrible for making an SI fic or something that sounds like one. I'm just saying meet your audience halfway. There are so many ways to dress up author avatars as canon characters that I can never understand why people stick themselves in (lol).

3692541
You have my attention, Good Sir and/or Madam,

3693020

not using yourself

>implying

First person doesn't mean self-insert tho.

3693176

It doesn't. But you haven't given anything >implying that you're not using an SI, either. Hence Cryosite's original reaction.

My first suggestion would be to make sure that's clear from the jump. Not only to your audience, but the people you're asking here to help. All we got were first and second-person pronouns all over the place. You kinda handicapped us, brah.

So let's break this down.

When you publish the story, on the front page and group listings, people will see a short description full of "you"s with little to suggest otherwise. That'll turn away a bunch right there who aren't into second-person fics, and likely attract people who are lookin' for some nice Sonata self-insert lovin'. Let's face it, there's an... assumption when it comes to second-person pronouns on this site. The character tags are there to suggest otherwise, but they're quite tiny. Since the update, visual priority's very much on the short descriptions. They're more important than ever now.

So if it's not a second-person fiction, I'd suggest changing the short desc's tense to either first or third. This would also require changing the short description entirely, though. I see what you're going for with it, and it's not bad, it's introspective and all, but honestly I'd say cut your losses, go with something else. Maybe something more derivative of the long description.

As for the long description... I personally think it's a little too long, but the core is sound. Take it down to the key ideas. Trim the Sonata bio, merge it with your second paragraph. Sell the duality and differences between Sonata and Other Character in a single straight shot.

"She's an adorable former supervillain from the pages of myth. I'm her hapless minion-for-hire who can actually stand being around her. Together we fight crime, maybe find love! If I can compete with her taco obsession, anyway."

The above is terrible, but I hope it gets my point across. Truncate. You'll have to fiddle a bunch though to find that sweet spot.

As for the first-person? Works better here than in the short desc and I'd worry about it less. Folks will see the first-person and wonder if it's yet another Stu/non-Anon they don't care about, but then look at the character tags, and, if they don't see the dreaded "OC/Other" tag, have second thoughts. EDIT: If you are using an OC, you have nothing to lose at this point anyway, so the same applies lol.

Hope that helps.

3693209 Neato! You've helped me!

I'll make everything smaller and more cryptic while still hinting at the main ideas then. This is gonna be great. Thanks, matebro!

3693217

Less cryptic, merely simple. Always simple. The majority of readers just want to be entertained. It's up to us to provide a good show!

No worries, and good luck!

3693221 O-kay! Thanks-o, M8-o!

3692541 it sounds like a good idea. But what I notice is that the description makes sonata sound rather out of character. Adagio is the evil mastermind of the group, sonata is much more innocent. But that's just my opinion; because of creative licence you can change her character like that if you wish. I would still read the story

3693997 Yeah, I changed the descriptions according to what I saw was most popular with Romance fics, and she sounds less OOC now. I'm currently outlining the fic. I think the story's first chapter should be out by next Friday.

3694004 Alright. I'm looking forward to reading it!