Psi-nova: At the request of the Author the following is a joint review by myself and TheTrueDragoon, as requested by Dragonborne Fox. Each reviewer has provided their own thoughts and the scores have been totaled for acceptance or rejection. The story can be found here.

TheTrueDragoon: Due to the high number of chapters, totaling about eighty by FimFiction count, this review is based on the first six chapters, listed as Intro through Chapter III.

Psi-nova: I will be reviewing the first three chapters, the intro, and the two parts of the first Chapter. Things may change as the series goes on, but I think that with so many issues so early on in the story it makes it very hard to push on to the later parts of the story to see if that does happen.

Grammar: 7.5/10 6/10

TheTrueDragoon: The number of grammatical errors I found were rather low overall, allowing me to read through the story without difficulty. There are a few bigger problems and the minor ones are fairly persistent throughout but overall, still good.

Psi-nova: While I am no master of grammar, I constantly found myself running into choices made in the writing that made me stop and scratch my head in utter confusion. A Guard Yolded and I had to go drink a coke and rum before I could continue reading on further.

Characterization: 5/10 3/10

Psi-nova: In the first three entries we have almost none to speak of, leaving us introduced to so many people in the intro and then allowed to follow one of them afterwards, no time is taken to do anything other then watch the girl react to things but almost no time to get a feeling for her herself.

TheTrueDragoon: We do get to see the various characteristics and personalities of the characters that are thrust into Equestria which allows the reader to get to know them. However, this is rushed at several points with the lead characters while the extra characters are shown in a more inconsistent light at times. The police and mob shown in the first chapters are shown in a way that seems inconsistent and does not make much sense. Later introduced characters that are more familiar, Braeburn, Doctor Stables, Caramel, and Nurse Redheart, do seem believable but ultimately come across as just any other extra character, lacking the characterization one would expect.

Use of canon: N/A

TheTrueDragoon: As an AU story, I will leave this out of the rating but will make a note. The personality of some canon characters fits with their show portrayal, such as Braeburn and Doctor Stables, while the others seem a bit out of character, Discord.

Psi-nova: As this story is marked an AU we could leave this part out but I feel we should comment on it. So far we have guns in Equestria; Some kind of Criminal Empire; and A Mafia group who will throw someone who broke though the roof of their building in the street unpunished, yet at the same time will end up caught in the street hunting her down a few hours later by the cops. Oh and there are cops who wild switchblades/knifes??

Plot Consistency: 4/10 3/10

Psi-nova: I want to me easier on this part, but it bothers me too much to drop just as I pointed out above and will point out below. Ok so we have a girl crash though the roof of a building owned by some mafia types? Ok that's fine. They decide to toss her out into the street unpunished and will 'deal with her if they see her again.' Um... Well ok I guess? Nice Mob? Then later someone who sounds like them is walking in back alleys looking for her and shooting a gun? What? But they said they wouldn't care unless they ran into her. And afterwards, when she is running form the cops she runs into another group of them again who are walking around in public and are apparently so well known to the cops they are instantly tackled and taken down instead of the girl who was running away from them who the cops were sure just a second ago was the one who had murdered a Royal Guard. What?

TheTrueDragoon: While I was able to follow the story overall, there are several instances where there appears to be heavy inconsistencies. The intro is wroth with them while the first chapters are hounded. The mob and police introduced early on appear to say on thing then do something else later while timing of events seems to shift without proper transition at times. There is also the problem with one character struggling heavily to get use to her new pony form while the others transition fairly easily, which I count as odd and inconsistent.

Coherence: 2/10 2/10

TheTrueDragoon: While consistency is an issue, the story suffers far more from the overall coherence of what is told. The entire intro has so much going on that I could hardly follow at all. As the story progressed it became more focused and easier to follow yet several parts are difficult to follow and require re-reading the part multiple times to understand. I will also add that the fact that description is done through telling rather than showing makes it dull at times and confusing at others. Sometimes, terms are used that I feel the characters should not be using given that they are from an alternate world.

Psi-nova: As I said above can be repeated here again, but to make it a little more clear we have the following extra problems: We got tons of descriptions of what the girl looks like, we never are given enough time or description of the world around her to understand were she is or whats really going on at any time.

Other: 5.5/10 7/10

Dark: 1/2 2/2

Psi-nova: Here I have to stop and start giving proper points. We are shown a world [though briefly] that is so dangerous and violent in the back streets that the mob is willing to kill Royal Guard's just to prove a point. That makes a hell of a suggestion to just what is going on in the world.

TheTrueDragoon: While I do see that there is a darker element to the story, overall, I do not see a story that can be properly tagged as dark. This may change later but after six chapters, one would expect this to play a more noticeable role.

Comedy: 0/2 1/2

TheTrueDragoon: I will be honest. As I have only read through the first six chapters, I don't want to be harsh on this but the amount of humor and type of humor I saw is not enough to qualify this story as a comedy. While this may change later, a few funny moment does not a comedy make.

Psi-nova: This wasn't really touched in the chapters we are reviewing b ut after looking up the game this is being crossed over with, the odd transformations of objects into 'pony like monsters' is fitting, and the descriptions of them gave me a chuckle.

Crossover: 1.5/2 1/2

Psi-nova: Sadly because of the rushed pace of the intro and the total lack of explanation in the two parts of the first chapter we are given no clue about what this crossover is really about or the rules of the universe we are dealing with. This is somewhat saved by the odd and funny nature of the monsters that show up transforming a lamppost and trash can into some rather creepy monsters.

TheTrueDragoon: Despite not being familiar with the crossover material, I can actually tell that each character who is thrust into Equestria is not an OC. While I can believe that given their descriptions, personalities, and weapon use, there is a lack of explanation for the crossover material that keeps me from providing a higher rating. I can see that there is a crossover but am lost as to if this is a game or anime crossover.

Adventure: 2/2 2/2

TheTrueDragoon: This one fits perfectly. There is an obvious action/adventure theme to this and everything that occurs falls into place for said theme. I see no problem with this tag.

Psi-nova: While little happens in the opening chapters we read, its clear that something big is happening and its going to be a big world ahead with a lot of things in the story will clearly be building from this mystery and adventure.

AU: 1/2 1/2

Psi-nova: Just as I talked above above, the universe does present a lot of small ideas that I really do like right from the start, the monsters, the fact this mob is willing to take on royal guards... but that leads straight to failings as well. A mafia willing to take on Royal Guards, but well known enough to police to be recognized walking the street?

TheTrueDragoon: I must say that this tag fits as there are things that happen, the monsters, and portrayals of ponies, the police and mob, that don't fit with the canon. While this may present an alternate Equestria than the canon, I do feel that some aspects, the monsters, are something included as a crossover rather than an AU story. Given how the crossover is done, I do feel that proper portrayal of all ponies could allow this tag to drop as the crossover characters are brought into the world rather than the worlds being one or combined.

Mature, Sex, Gore, Character Tags: N/A

TheTrueDragoon: While I will not score these tags, I feel each must be addressed. The character tags outright seem improper as Celestia and Luna are tagged and the story does not follow them, even if it eventually shows them. The Sex tag seems improper for how the story is going so far. Unless this changes and sex is presented later, this is unnecessary. The Gore tag does fit given the combat, injuries, and the dead guard shown. The Mature tag is one I have a big issue with. Unless the story amps up the amount of gore, presents sexual scenes of sorts, and the language becomes more foul, I only see a story rated teen. Again, this is not scored but I felt that each must be addressed.

Psi-nova: As Dragoon put it, these tags are not addressed in the story as far as I've read it. The dead guard does start to at least suggest the gore / mature tags but in both lines it does not go nearly graphic enough into both topics for me to feel the mature / gore tags are needed. And the sex tag doesn't come up thus far in the story.

Total: 24/50 48% 21/50 42%

Overall: Due to the issues we both ran into, it became quickly clear that while the story has a lot of merits we both liked, it was simply not up to each of our standards. Thus we have agreed to reject this title.

Psi-nova: Overall, the story offers lots of rather creative ideas but the over description of the character repeating the same details time and time again while the lack of so many details on the world and the massively rushed pace of the story leaves me scratching me head and looking for another drink. I see lots of ideas and concepts I would like to know more about, but I don't think I could manage to put up with the flow and flaws I see and feel in these first three chapters even though lots of the concepts do impress or interest me.

TheTrueDragoon: In all honesty, I have actually grown intrigued by this story. The various characters are interesting and I would like to see how the story progresses and turns out. Though this does not meet the standards of the review, I would like to continue reading as a fun story. There are still numerous issues that would prevent me from adding this to my list of favorite stories and possibly even providing a like, but it stills seems like something I can read and enjoy as a side project.

3713959 I'd say this turned out quite well. Real sorry it couldn't pass though.

3713970 It has a lot of good idea's that did make me want to try and continuing but it keeps just getting stuck in my teeth... so to speak.

3713974 Yeah. Well, if it will make her feel better despite this, I do plan to continue reading it. I'm really not sure what it is but something about has caught my attention. Problems aside, I am intrigued at where this will go.

3714664 this is the version dragon asked me and Dragoon to review. Should probably include a link to the story. Will fix that when i get to my pc.

3713959 Eh, at least I got an honest review (next time, though, don't use bright colored text. I struggled to read your aspect of the review, Psi) with my novel. I'm going back and fixing things up from time to time between updates, mainly because I found minor errors and bigger errors.
3713982 I can understand the first part of that statement (I was pretty sure your head asploded when you saw the chapter count or something), and as for the second part of the first statement, perhaps it's magic or something. But working on this story and fixing it up as I come across errors has been, and still is, a blast.
3713974 Trust me, the original was much worse. Good thing I didn't throw that here instead of the rewrite. That would lodge itself in your throat in a heartbeat (preferably, I'd rather a story stuck between my teeth too.)

3717455 Lots of fun ideas though. Thanks for taking this well and glad you are enjoying rewrites!

3719556 OH HELL YEAH! I updated, and am checking earlier chapters for errors now.

3719558 I know its not an "error" but the yodeling guard?

3719560 Errors, by what I mean, range from simple grammar to adding more words in order to be less telly. Yes, that part with Mr. Yodel was intentional.

3719562 Haha. It's all good. Just one of those random things that captured my attention.

3719564 If you had clicked the 'more' button in the long description blurb, you would see an additional tags section, which includes the Random. But it's not so random it directly warrants the genre tag; the random that occurs does have purpose.

3719568 Ahhh. Makes sense!

3719599 I understand the characterization rating too (frankly, with as many chapters as I managed to shell out, there is a reason for that: character development.)

3720517 Oh yes. Growth is so important!

3720523 Introducing characters is one thing, developing them is something else. It's why they're kinda off in the beginning--they need to grow. That was also intentional, mind you.

3713959 Hey, I'm moving the story into the rejected folder since it hasn't been done yet.

3891407 sorry.

3891428 It's cool. (Besides, I did do a purpose--use the beginning chapters to draw people into the story. Doesn't that show my competence as a writer?)