A Slave's Freedom

Genre: Adventure, Human

Wordcount: 1,878

Spelling and Grammar: 9/10
The grammar seems to be intact and correct, though I spotted a few misspellings and what looked like a couple of missing words.

Characterization: 8/10
The story does a decent job of characterizing Dash in it's short length.

Use of show canon: 6/10
The first chapter misses an opportunity for Rainbow to mention the slavery of the Diamond Dogs; though it's still too early in the story, and they may be mentioned later, this is based off of what is given to us so far.

Plot Consistency: 10/10
The story is simple and straightforward, with a slave escaping and ending up in Equestria.

Use of OCs: 10/10
It's an interesting, rather original type of character and challenge; and Dyson is given some characterization and backstory in the first chapter.

Coherence: 7/10
The story moves a bit too fast in too short a length, starting off with a short dream, talking about Dyson's continued escape, and meeting Rainbow all in a little less than 2,000 words. I feel like a thorough story would spend the first chapter just showing us Dyson's travel and ending with him seeing Dash, and the second chapter could detail their meeting and his arrival. Again, that's just me; but the story feels slightly rushed.

Extra: 6/10

Adventure: 4/5
I assume that he'll have some kind of adventure, but again it's too early in the story to tell. The idea of escape and hiding feels somewhat along those lines.

Human: 2/5
Though it does obviously involve a human, it's quality of the kind of person it chooses suffers, as I noticed a few problems in actually explaining Dyson's experience. Though the slavery itself and the work seemed correct, the 'Master' seems unlike an average owner of the time. It's stated that if you escape and are captured, you are shot, that if you did not work well enough you were shot or mauled by dogs, and that if you did not listen to orders you could be shot on the spot.

This is rather inaccurate as, while race was a factor, slavery was an economic business, while the wording in the story makes it sound like a Nazi Concentration Camp. Each slave had to be bought at a varying (though usually high) price. Killing one, especially so abruptly, meant all of that money was lost; and, in addition, it would be one less hand to work, forcing the owner to buy another. Though such punishment as whippings and other atrocities were real, they were near the extent of it; the loss of a slave meant a double-loss in profit to a owners who usually saw themselves as businessmen. Maybe the Master's just a bad businessman?

To further add to this, Dyson was stated to have been educated by his Master. Not only is this unlikely for a number of reasons, including any kind of education being illegal in Mississippi (depending on the timeframe), it seems rather contradictory of the Master, who is told to kill so willingly, to educate his slave. It would have been better to claim he was educated illegally by other slaves.

Penalties:-8

Racism/Slavery: -(2(1))^2*2=-8
I assume that the portrayal will be fair, and it does seem to be so far. Unfortunately, it's still too early to tell, and the historical slip-ups made me wary. I won't give it a high penalty, but I'll give the default one.

Final Score: 48/70 or 68% (Rejected)

(Thanks to Psi-Nova for pre-reading this review for me)

3670033 No problem. Glad to be of help and hope you keep up the good work. These middle of the road stories really are the hardest to review as you can see the potential but the nagging flaws just wont go away.

3670033 This is a pretty good review. And while I'm not the final authority on the subject, I'd certainly want you to be a reviewer here.

3670050
Yea, they're not easy. But the final outcome is what it is; I'm just finding it.
3670073
Thank you. I'm looking forward to it.

3670033 Either my groups section is more broke than Brokeback Mountain, or Knighty is plotting against me from even reading your reviews. I have no idea. What is this sorcery you have conjured, Knighty?

I can see where your points are coming from. As for the adventure bit, you're right: it is far too early to even jump into it. I actually have a ton of plans that... You'll see. All I know is is that they're not getting out of there so easily. This is going to be adventure in the right form and not so rushed like those who speed way too damn fast on interstate highways.

As for the inaccuracy, I can see the shooting part being a bit too far. I might have to rewrite that section. However, the other half... that was on purpose. I have a reason to incite this and I think you'll like it. We'll see though, after all, this isn't the only time you'll be seeing this slave owner in the story. You'll get to know his reasoning in due time.

Plus, you'll see why Dyson is extremely afraid of him.

Thank you for this review, I loved it. It definitely will help me in improving this fiction!

3704058 Always good to see people taking feedback well!

3704524 As long as a review doesn't say it sucks and doesn't provide reasons, I take the feedback as good.

3704543

3670033
Is it possible that I could get this story re-reviewed?

It's now at 32k words, so it might be a bit "better" than what what it was when it was submitted.

4779371
Re-reviewed? I believe stories do have the ability to be looked over again, so you should have a second chance. Unfortunately I'm so busy that I hardly have writing time for myself; going over 32,000 words in detail seems impossible considering everything.

Don't take it personally, I'm not trying to keep your story out; from what I read I do think it is a good story even if not to this group's standard. Perhaps someone else could and I could assist in the historical areas.

4779627
Oh I understand. I'm doing a story right now for PCaRG, and it's 50k plus. I think you guys and gals have reviewed it already. :P

4779647
Can't say I remember it, sorry

4779923
I think it's this one: link.