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Before we begin, I just wanted to point out that while this fic wasn’t requested. I felt like I should be the one doing it anyway, since Unidentified was brave enough to review the stories in my “How I…” series.

Also, first sin review swag. Yay!

With that said. Let's begin!


Everything Wrong With:

Nothing But The Paranormal
More Than Just A Ghost
By: Unidentified

(SPOILERS!! Duh…)

It was a quiet and foggy night in Ponyville. Some shops in the town were still open.

It was a quiet and foggy night. In Ponyville. 1

Also, why are some of those shops still open? I mean. It’s a quiet and foggy night, right? What customers could they possibly get from being open so late? Ghosts? Oh, wait... 2

Excluding the night-dwellers, everypony was fast asleep.

Night-dwellers? What night-dwellers? Bat ponies? I don’t think you mean bat ponies. 3

Then, in an instant, a bloodcurdling scream was heard in the distance.

Because this sort of thing usually happens in Ponyville. 4

Everypony was terrified and confused with what had happened just now.

I’m not surprised. I’d be scared out of my mind if I lived in a normally peaceful town and then suddenly hear a bloodcurdling scream. 5

They all debated with one another what had made the sound.

IT WAS A WOLF!
NO IT WASN’T IT WAS A VAMPIRE!
HOW WOULD A VAMPIRE SOUND LIKE THAT?!
I DON’T F*CKING KNOW!
I BET IT WAS A GHOST!
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT!?
BECAUSE IT’S HALLOWEEN!
...That makes sense. 6

A few moments later, a rumbling thunder was heard.

How convenient! 7

All the eyes in the town glanced towards the sky, though there were no clouds in sight.

I’m calling bullsh*t on that one. 8

They listened closely and realized it was starting to get louder. All the ponies that were in the street quickly moved out of the way as a stampede of animals rushed past them. They looked ahead and saw a certain pegasus was leading the group. Everypony shook their heads and went back inside their homes to sleep.

This might be just me being nitpicky. I know this certain pegasus is Fluttershy, and all. But if you hadn’t mentioned the animals, then how the hell would I know this was Fluttershy? For all I know, it could’ve been Rainbow Dash leading the stampede. You could’ve at least said “a certain yellow” pegasus. Or some other creative phrase to further hint it’s Fluttershy. 9

Twilight had also awoken due to the scream.

No sh*t sherlock. Everyone else woke up, Twilight cannot be an exception to this. 10

She looked over to Spike to see if he had gotten up as well. Nope, still sleeping.

Holy sh*t, Spike. There’s no way you slept through that loud screaming. 11

Terrified, she slowly got out of her bed to look outside her window.

Welp. She’s dead. 12

In the distance she saw a silhouette of a creature. From the looks of it, it seemed like the creature was moving faster with each step it took.

It’s a ghost, Twilight! Kill it with fire! 13

Instinctively, Twilight had summoned a force field around her home and watched as the creature crashed into it.

That… works too.

A nearby light shone on the so-called creature and revealed its true identity: Fluttershy and her animals.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t follow my advice to kill it with fire?

Walking down the stairs, Twilight saw the trembling pegasus attempting to calm her animals down. Twilight shook her head and asked, "What's the matter Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy turned to Twilight and said quietly, "I saw a ghost."

[youtube=ZSNyiSetZ8Y]

14

Twilight rolled her eyes and laughed. She assumed that Fluttershy was trying to play a joke on her. She was about to walk back upstairs when Fluttershy quickly moved in front of her.

Twilight is a d*ck to Fluttershy. 15

"I'm not lying! I really did see a ghost!" Fluttershy picked up Angel and showed Twilight the terrified look the poor bunny had. Twilight realized the situation was serious.

"Alright then. I'll go check your cottage for this ghost," said Twilight. She quickly walked up the stairs to gather some materials for the investigation. A few minutes later Twilight had arrived downstairs with a flashlight and a special device of sorts. She looked at Fluttershy straight in the eye and said, "Stay here until I get back."

I SAW A GHOST!
OKAY LET ME GO CHECK FOR MYSELF, YOU STAY HERE AND HOPE I DON’T DIE.

That’s a great idea! 16

Twilight could see the cottage in the distance. The door was wide open, claw marks streaked across it. Probably just the animals panicking while trying to get out.

Probably. 17

It seemed weird to walk up to the quiet cottage at this time of night--especially when you're here to hunt down a ghost.

It’s hard enough to picture it myself. Every time we see Fluttershy’s cottage, it’s usually in the day. 18

As Twilight got closer, she could see a shadow walking around inside. She hesistated to move any closer to the cottage.

I would hesitate, too. 19

Also, it’s “hesitated”, not “hesistated”. (+5) 24

You mentioned a shadow that isn’t Shadow. -Shadow 25

"No. I need to get rid of this ghost now," Twilight thought to herself. She took a deep breath before walking inside of the cottage.

I have a feeling Twilight’s going to fail. Anyone else? 26

After a while, she walked upstairs into the bedroom and sat on the bed. Turning on the special device Twilight had brought with her, she placed it next to her and began asking questions.

“Who are you? What happened to you? Why am I asking random questions to the friggin’ air?” 27

"What is your name?" Twilight asked. She waited for a few seconds before asking the next, "Do you know what happened to you?"

Too late! I already asked those questions! 28

She waited a few more seconds before taking her device and rewinding it. She placed it up to her ears and pressed play.

Not really a sin, but I’d laugh so hard if the playback actually had no responses.

"What is your name?"

"Charcoal..." a voice whispered.

Here’s what I don’t get. Why would someone name their child Charcoal? I get this is Equestria, and you have pony names such as Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie. But what did this pony look like before he/she died to deserve the name Charcoal? 29

Also, this is also me nitpicking, but if you’re going to show us what’s played back, or “replay” a scene, you’d normally do so by italicizing the scene, or at least give it some noticeable change that it’s just the audio coming from the device. The first time I read this story, I nearly misread it to the point where I thought Twilight was asking a second time. 30

"Do you know what happened to you?"

"I was killed."

Isn’t that obvious? Supposedly ghosts who roam around are souls who haven’t left in peace. So would Twilight really need to ask that? What difference would it make if the ghost replied with “I died peacefully on my bed while I was asleep because I was old as hell”? 31

Twilight was completely baffled by this. Eager to receive more answers, she immeadiatly continued to record and ask questions.

What’s so baffling about being killed? Wait, this is Equestria we’re talking about… Murders don’t happen often there, do they? 32

Also. “Immediately”, not “immeadiatly”. (+5) 37

"Who killed you? Was it an animal?" Again, Twilight waited for a few seconds before asking the next, "Is there anyone else here?"

“Actually I take it back I wasn’t killed I simply died sleeping on my bed because I was old as hell.” 38

Twilight repeated the previous process and listened closely.

"Who killed you? Was it an animal?"

No response.

"Is there anyone else here?”

"He's coming."

Refer to 30 on how I feel on the fact that I misread it as Twilight asking these questions a second time. Now multiply that feeling by two, because I almost did it again. 39

Also. Not a sin. But there’s something really bothering me with the random “No response”. I’m not sure why, it just does.

"He's coming."

As soon as Twilight heard this, there was a loud slam downstairs. She froze up, terrified of what was coming for her. She didn't realize it, but her device was still recording.

How conveniently timed! 40

[Loud slam is heard]

Yes, because stories that playback audio from somewhere usually have brackets and “bowling ball dropping is heard” in between them. I was expecting something more like “the slam downstairs played on the device, although slightly more quiet than Twilight had heard it in reality.”

Maybe it’s just me nitpicking again? 41

[Loud slam is heard]

"...He's here."

Well sh*t. 42

The cottage was completely silent. Then, heavy hoofsteps were heard coming up the stairs. Slow, but heavy. Twilight panicked and hid under the bed. She tried her best to stay as quiet as possible. The hoofsteps got louder and louder with each passing second. Twilight held her breath as the hoofsteps stopped outside the room.

Like I said before... Twilight’s dead. 43

It was raspy, but she could hear a voice say, "I know you're in here."

Why didn’t Twilight need the device to hear that voice!? 44

A slight breeze brushed Twilight's mane. Whatever was outside the room was now inside. Twilight noticed a faint, white mist moving around. She watched as the mist got closer to the bed. Twilight wanted to run for the door downstairs but she was afraid of the consequences. Suddenly, the mist completely vanished.

3spooky5me. 45

"That was a close one," Twilight said to herself. Anxious to leave, she quickly walked downstairs and went to the door. However, when she attempted to open the door it wouldn't budge. She tried pulling the door and pushing the door, none of which worked.

...Doesn’t Twilight have magic? Can’t she just teleport out? 46

The sound of glass breaking was heard nearby. The hoofsteps returned, this time quicker. Twilight thought fast and tried to break the door down. Success!

Again, none of this was needed, because Twilight has f*cking magic. 47

Twilight tumbled down the pathway and landed on her side. She groaned in pain as she got up. Looking towards the cottage, she could see a distinct pair of eyes in the window. Red, glowing eyes. Twilight ran as fast as she could back to Ponyville.

And this is why you never see me anywhere near that kind of sh*t. 48

Fluttershy stood outside, waiting for Twilight to return. She was starting to worry that Twilight might have gotten hurt. Fluttershy was about to go find Twilight herself when she spotted somepony in the distance. Next thing she knew, Twilight had crashed into her.

Watch where you’re going, Twilight! 49

"Twilight! What happened? Are you alright?" Fluttershy asked. Twilight didn't answer. Fluttershy helped her get up and asked again, "Twilight, what happened?"

"I-I don't want to talk about it..." Twilight said.

Neither would I after all that sh*t that happened. 50

"No, you're going to tell me what happened," Fluttershy said. She held out a hoof to Twilight, "Let's go inside and talk about it."

"...Okay then," Twilight followed Fluttershy inside.

What happened to not wanting to talk about it!? What was the point of saying you don’t want to talk about it if you were gonna cave in one dialogue later? 51

"Okay, what happened over there?" Fluttershy asked. A minute passed by before Twilight finally said,

"I-I saw it..." Fluttershy gasped in shock.

Wouldn’t you want to place Fluttershy’s gasping on a new line, rather than keeping it in the same line as Twilight’s dialogue? When I first read this, I thought Fluttershy answered her own question! I didn’t even realize that it was Twilight that said it until I saw it again to write this review! 52

Also. I guess Twilight can see dead people too. 53

"You saw it? What did it look like?" Fluttershy asked.

It looked like Casper. You know, the friendly ghost? Yeah, him. That’s what he looked like. 54

"Red eyes. It had red eyes," Twilight said quietly. She looked up and noticed Fluttershy wasn't looking at her, "Is something the matter?"

"Your hoof..." Fluttershy said in an emotionless tone.

Twilight quickly looked down and saw as clear as day, 3 long scratch marks. She shrieked in terror.

Rest in Pepperoni. Twilight. 55

I waited till the end of the review to mention this. But this chapter can’t seem to make up its mind on whether it wants to have an indent or not. (x2!) 110

Chapter Sin Talley: 110
Sentence: Visit Fluttershy’s Cottage. (At night. While the evil ghost is still lurking.)

4776628 Good first review! :twilightsmile: I had a lot of fun reading it.

4776628 I knew I would break the 100 sin mark. WORTH IT! I had a feeling I misspelled something in that chapter. Thanks for pointing them out. Also, it does seem bizarre that Twilight can hear a voice without the need of the device. Though, things like this do occasionally happen in real life ghost investigations. If you want an explanation on this kind of thing you can search it on google. I ain't got time to create a link.

Now to fix those errors...

Oh yeah, hilarious review m8. You did gr8. :rainbowlaugh:

4777622 Holy sh*t you reply AS SOON AS I LOG ON.

Dat timing tho.

Yay I did gr8 for my first review! :D

4777624 Dats how I roll madafakka :coolphoto:

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