Basically, I got close to fixing it with a girl, and I likely blew it permanently.

We were close, best friends even, years ago...but she cut me off because I told her I liked her, and she was afraid I didn't know about her darker side (spoiler alert; I did. LOL!) Then things got worse when I tried to face her, and then some guy claimed I stayed around in one place longer than I really was, which made things harder.

Basically, I began building a blog to build myself a life and a hobby. She had an old blog she never updated for years I occasionally checked out in order to learn what music she liked. I assumed she'd never check it.

One day, I felt so much remorese that I pinned "I'm truly sorry for my words and actions", and the very next day?

She pinned "I suck at apologies, so unfuck you I guess."

By her standards, given everything, this was progress. It has since occurred to me that this was a coincidence.

So in excitement and to prepare? I assumed she wasn't reading my blog, and was reading my Pinterest.

I posted a Doctor Who blog post, with this scene:

I wrote this in the post:
"Ah! I would react the same way if I met somebody I knew from years ago!"

Very sickening and slightly creepy, right? I didn't wholly know that at the time, to be honest.

One day, right after Thanksgiving, I checked on her site...

...She deleted her blog.

I eventually found out what might have happened: She likely might have actually not found me through Pinterest, but rather through Blogger, and just got curious and examined my other stuff.

Anybody here who is familiar with Blogger and Pinterest are probably laughing their asses off right now: It's actually really hard to trigger Pinterest alerts this way, and with Blogger, it's very easy to track who sees what if you do it with the same gmail account. But I didn't know that at the time.

I blew it all with one stupid fucking post, and now I don't want to keep living, because I bet my bottom dollar on this and worked really hard for this. I pressed really hard to get a better job and create a decent blog so that if I ever cross paths with her, I'd be ready and able. I almost got somewhere far sooner than I expected or was even ready for, and then just like that, I failed. I almost did it! I almost got there!

But you know how most people are. You're not defined by your successes. You're defined by your failures. She might only see me as the guy who got too attached too quickly and blew it by being creepy.

But I can't die. I shouldn't die. Suicide is a sin, and if things are looking really bleak now, it will be absolutely hopeless in the future if I did die too soon. I must keep living on, I must press on. Given how close I came to making progress the last time? Maybe it's not unfixable. And even if it isn't? In theory, I can find somebody else, but in practice, she was the only person I could make any positive progress with.

But it's so fucking hard!

Anyway, it's a long-ass story, so I'll probably keep expanding upon this post. I'm in a hurry, it's that time of year.

7093034 Please! Whatever problems you're having, suicide is not the answer! We're here to help, even if it's just to provide you with someone to talk to!

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PM me. Now. We're talking

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It's okay, I already feel better.

I'm not going to end it, I never was...it's not the desire, because I don't want to. It's the thoughts. They kept coming back.

7093034 There's more than one girl in the world, you know?

Picture this:
You spend a decade or two searching for the girl you want. Lots of failures in between.
But then you find her and you live together for half a century in happiness and bliss.

You have nothing to lose by going on. In the worst-case scenario, you lose nothing and gain nothing.

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But I only wanted to succeed with her; after having been turned down by other girls, one for as ludicrous a reason as not being Asian, I don't want to be with anybody else but her. And I worked so hard to be worthy of her, throwing everything I have into this investment, but now I likely made a mistake that will get her to see me as creepy forever.

I'd almost rather be single forever at this point. I don't want to die, but I blew it with the only woman I know in real life who ever gave a real shit about me and wasn't related to me.

7093285 You probably won't want to hear this, but I think you were destined to fail with her from the start.

It's ironic, but the trick to getting a girl is the willingness to let her go.

When something is granted to one for free, one doesn't appreciate it. Instead, one chases the thing that is hard to get. You'd be with her on a drop of a hat and she probably knew it. The natural thing for her to think is, Okay, I can have this one. But why can't I have others? Others are harder to get, therefore, they must be better and this one that I've already have must be the worst.

And that's around the time you get friend-zoned. She keeps you around because you make her feel good, but you're not a challenge, so she doesn't want to take any further steps with you because where she has you now is just perfect for her.

If you really had something extra built with her, it wouldn't all go crashing down because of a silly post on the internet.

The best chance for you to someday get back with her is for you to move on.

I'll tell you a trick that will get you a girl for sure. It can be summarized in one word: numbers.

You don't fish for one fish in the sea. If you do, you'll never catch it. Instead, you throw your bait onto a group of fish and fish for ALL of them. It doesn't matter if you get 100 false signals. Sooner or later, one will bite and you'll pull it out.

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It's ironic, but the trick to getting a girl is the willingness to let her go.

No wonder my plan almost worked!
...Until I expressed too much interest.

Because I was distant...until, on both occasions, I suddenly wasn't.

Well, given that failed, time to move on to plan B! Turn myself into the most desirable person on the planet. Actually, that's kind of what I was doing to begin with, things just took a very unexpected turn in the process.

7093530 That's the spirit!

And when you succeed, remember to keep it up. When she tells you to throw out the trash, you tell her to flash her boobs in return. The moment you start doing things for free is the moment she'll start taking you for granted, and that's the beginning of the end.