Into the Hedge
By BadWolf9510

Reviewed by Rinnaul and Asilin

So. This story is a spinoff of another story that’s part of a shared world based around yet another story.

And I’ve never read any of them.

Nor have any of our reviewers, apparently.

But it mentioned Changeling the Lost, and Asilin loves faeries, so I dragged her in to help. And hey, they have a TVTropes! Not that we used it…

Oh well, have a husband and wife joint review.

Quick Recommendation: Though well-written, the story is bogged down by needless description, and loses a lot of impact by tipping its hand too early and often. It will probably be enjoyed by anyone who’s okay with three or four chapters of nothing happening, and those who are already fans of Xenoverse, but others will probably struggle with its pacing and tension problems.

Well, pretty sure I won’t be getting into the original, even beyond the massive length, and all of the associated stories. I’m just really not liking this take on the Magical Mystery Cure mixups.

You know, I kind of wish they’d fallen for the Pied Piper trap by going off the trail of their own volition, rather than being hypnotized into it. That sort of thing in fairy tales always had some blame fall on the victim, because they tended to be morality tales.

I’m more unhappy with the fact that the scene just. keeps. going. The tension just kept being drained as more and more of the “evil plot” got revealed. I was really expecting it to end with the first scene break. That would’ve been perfect.

Yeah. By the end, we know exactly what’s become of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and it really robs later chapters of a lot of potential tension and development.

I will give a couple of props though. The world building in the beginning was good. It established for a new reader some of the swaps that had gone on and how everybody is handling it. I was also impressed by the descriptions of the spider lady, even though it creeped me out and I was rather disappointed in the decision to go ahead and reveal it.

And random Gaelic? I mean, I guess fae are going to be Irish, but...

I don’t mind it, but this is one of those times where having author notes is a major boon for fanfic authors. You can include translations. Hint. Hint.

An outside observer would have noted that Lero’s eyes were slightly different.

This line feels very strange to someone unfamiliar with the character. You might want to consider keeping things accessible to readers who aren’t already Xenoverse/Divided Rainbow fans.

Definitely. Plus, how’s it different? Saying “something else was in there” is still a non-descriptor. Emotions are key here.

And I still can’t get over this “Lyra the Martial Arts Master” thing. I can’t exactly complain about it, because background characters don’t have canon characterization, but still, this is the Lyra I’m used to:

STOP CRUSHING MY DREAMS!

Soo...are we just summarizing all of the story that you’re spinning off from? Because that’s what it feels like here. I mean, it’s awesome for me, because, hey, I don’t have to go track down extra story info, but this has to be boring for those coming from Divided Rainbow. And, to be honest, after a while, even I was wondering why you felt the need to tell us all of this detail. I mean, you spend near 1500 words just giving backstory!

And this is more a point against Divided Rainbow than the spinoff, but just switching around loves like that feels wrong to me.

A little bit, yeah. But I’m just rolling with that one, particularly since I’ve got no investment in that particular setup.

I don’t have much in it, either. Or this. I keep wanting to stop because it’s kinda tedious.

Taking one for the team, dear.

That’s not the same thing as “my wife made me do it.”

You’re the one who claimed the fic, not me. I just volunteered to help you out. Not my fault you decided to quit early. But let’s focus on the relationship drama of the fic, not ours.

...yes, dear.

And speaking of drama, or non-drama, we’re getting a reading of a contract.

And am I the only one who gets frustrated with characters making bad decision after bad decision? Refusing to tell his family anything, accepting said contract...

It looks like he’s doing this even in secret to himself? I dunno. Seems like it’s getting overcomplicated for itself.

Also, he gets told that someone dear to him is gone and...he just stands there? Why the hell does the Winter Queen want him for a knight then?

There’s only so much Harry Dresden to go around?

So? He could still do something. A show of power of some sort!

And the classroom scene. Telling telling telling...

It kind of ruins the effect, but I can’t link to exact times this way, so just skip ahead to 18:15.

This entire scene just shows why revealing everything at the beginning was a bad idea. I’m just waiting for Cheerilee to figure it out so we can move on. Also, I call BS on these Fetches being so bad. Why aren’t they at least making an attempt to fit in? Fae play tricks and trap people, not blatantly show themselves in this manner.

Yeah. And a lot of the shock we may have gotten from the playground scene was lost because we already know it’s not really the Crusaders in the scene. Which is disappointing, because it’s otherwise a good creepy moment.

I think the most telling thing is that I keep stopping to put Spoiler tags around details like that, then remember I don’t have to because the prologue already spoiled everything.

I agree. I would have loved to have been able to question what was going on here. Or, you know, show them seemingly breaking character, but away from any witnesses. That would drive the horror way up, especially if there was an opening for plausible deniability.

Oh. And we’ve once again missed a good spot for a chapter break and just kept going on to a new subject.

Why, why, why are we getting all of this information? I can see emphasizing the fact that we’re built for long distance running, but going into the full anthropology? Just...why? Further, you’re falling into a trap a lot of authors do when they talk about the woods. You can’t run full tilt. He’d be flat on his face before you know it, particularly since you are going out of your to describe the fact that there is brush and roots. He could do short sprints, but until he’s on the main path, he can’t do a full on run.

I have no idea what to think about all the flashback imagery, either. Is this stuff that happened when he met the fae in this story? Is it backstory that’s part of this fic? Backstory or events from the prior fics in the series? I can only assume that it would make sense to a long-time reader, but there’s something to be said for letting each story be an entry point to the larger work.

Indeed. Although I’m starting to wonder what the hell kind of Fae are supposed to exist in The Lost. Because this is nigh-unrecognizable from a Changeling or mythos perspective.

“I saying we’ve seen this sort of behavior before, haven’t we, girls?” The Element Bearers traded uneasy glances at each other as Lyra gazed pointedly at Twilight. “In Canterlot, on your brother’s wedding day.”

From the moment Cheerliee mentioned them being out-of-character, I was wondering when someone would bring this up. Frankly, at this point in Equestria, any time someone starts behaving severely out of character, shouldn’t this be the very first thing that comes to mind? I mean, come on, even in the terrible Superman event “Grounded”, Lois Lane had the presence of mind to ask Clark if he’d been exposed to red kryptonite in the wake of his unusual behavior. Turns out it was just a really dumb storyline, but at least someone asked.

And chase scene that feels like it’s out of a cartoon rather than a serious work. Sight gags don’t work in written word.

I can forgive a lot of it on the grounds that MLP is a cartoon, but yeah, it’s a sudden change in tone in a couple places.

Okay, maybe there’s a reason for her to drop in, but this just feels like “powerful character arrives from on high to resolve the scene.”

Not putting a spoiler tag on this because it’s chapter two, and I’m not going to put a whole paragraph of rant in spoiler tags. Fair warning.

What the everloving hell. That’s how you’re going to start the chapter? With him snapping her neck? In front of everybody? One, you indicate this takes place between two chapters of Divided Rainbow, and indicated that this shouldn’t mess up the events in that story too much. You don’t think cold blooded and seemingly unjustified murder isn’t going to affect some things? That it’s not going to affect the character’s views of him? I mean, honestly! That’s the biggest thing somebody can do and you think you can sweep it under the rug? Second, this is the sort of thing that you end a chapter on. It’s a major decision moment and you should really give it the weight it deserves. Instead it gets swept aside by the rush of responses from everyone else, leaving the horror of the moment to be replaced by the anger.

And here I was just going to question having Rainbow Dash be the only one who stops to think about the situation. I mean, they exchanged talents and took each other’s places in the tapestry of fate, basically, but their personalities didn’t change. That’s the whole reason they were miserable in the episode.

Will give some props again: this scene shows a good handle on the omniscient POV with clear changes in whose head we’re in and no head-hopping.

Speak of this to no one.

...except for the crowd who witnessed it?

And further problems pop up here as a result of the earlier reveal. One would presume that you’re going for sad as the doctor is announcing his findings with the autopsy. However, since we already know that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were replaced, the tone of the scene is, once again, undermined by reader foreknowledge.

“He ain’t lyin’. Honesty is tellin’ me he ain’t.”

I’ve never been fond of either the elements having their own personas, nor that Honesty makes one a natural lie detector, but headcanon is headcanon, and I could also almost chalk this up to Pinkie Pie stuff. But I always felt AJ was good at seeing through lies because she’s just one of the wiser characters. Rarity is the same. Pinkie Pie is probably the most childish and gullible.

And another long flashback plus extended description of these guys in a quiet moment. Can we get to the point?

The constant amnesia moments are nearly as frustrating as all the bad decisions earlier, and all the flashbacks after that.

....okay. So I’m going to admit upfront that I’m a fan of The Dreaming and not The Lost. Personally, I’m of the overall opinion that World of Darkness needs to move on from its emo background. But all that said, your transformation here doesn’t make sense. If this is the part of him that was “lost”, then it should be his seeming. Lero is the “Mask”, the “lost” would be his fae nature. So why not make him, you know, fae? He’s in a world where magic is fully accepted. The Glamour cost would be negligible to allow him to show his dual nature. And it would make far more sense than just changing eye color.

On top of that, I’m not buying your description of the fae in general. You’re missing a key part in here, and I don’t know if it’s because it’s not brought up in The Lost or if it’s because you didn’t look into it. But here’s the thing: the Fae are dual natured. Seelie and Unseelie. Winter and Summer. Spring and Fall. Law and Chaos. They are forces of nature: neither particularly kind or cruel, they just are. Some will be your greatest nightmare. Some will be a dream come true. A particular Fae, particularly the Sidhe, can flip from one to the other in a breath. They are bound by word and law because of that nature. But they are always self-interested. To paint them as only evil is to deny a major part of their mythos. And I just don’t buy that someone who is affected as badly as Lero would be able to leave Arcadia without understanding that.

You know, I actually rather enjoy the writing here when we’re not slogging through lengthy backstory.

And… “The Lost”? Isn’t that what they all are? It would be like a regular HiE just insisting they call him The Human.

Agreed on both points. But not to harp on game mechanics, but how does “Lost” not know what he is? Wouldn’t he, you know, know that he’s the fae nature? I mean, there’s an argument from The Dreaming that the fae side and mortal side are two separate entities sharing one body/soul. You could always expand on that sort of premise.

And we’re at, what, 20,000 words, and are still setting up the plot?

Yep. Only reason why I suggested reading chapter two was to see what the main plot was, but it’s still not really here. And I’m not reading another chapter.

While the story is well-written for the most part, it seriously drags its feet, and doesn’t know what to explain and what to leave to the reader. I’ve gotten copious amounts of backstory on simple facts and things that never felt relevant, while major character information has gone unexplained. On top of that, pacing is an issue — at 20,000 words, we’re only just getting the main conflict underway, and still haven’t really taken any action.

Another major problem is the extreme lack of tension in the plot. Everything is put out there for the reader to understand. Now, this can work if done for dramatic tension. For instance, if you really want to show us that the CMC were replaced, then we need to see them, well, getting away with it. The horror, the dramatic tension, would be in seeing everybody write them off as suspects when we know the truth. But you’d have to give them plausible deniability in every instance. But since that’s not the focus of your story, then you should at least let it be revealed to us when it’s revealed to the cast. Because your major moments of the death and the revealed are emotionally compromised by the fact that we know it’s not really them.

This also applies to Lero’s introduction. By showing us that it’s “not really him” in the beginning, you undermine the tension of his decisions, like when he snaps Apple Bloom’s neck. It also undermines his reveal moment as well, which was still underwhelming for its lack of change.

That said, the story is, as I said, well-written. Characters felt natural, once you accept that Magical Mystery Cure is still happening, I noticed only a single typo, and there were no major grammar concerns. The story is very good at handling the omniscient POV, something that many authors struggle with, and descriptions are always clear, concise, and engaging. On the whole, it was very enjoyable to read when it wasn’t getting mired down in backstory; it’s just the pace and lack of tension that really hurt it.

Major tip: cut this sucker down. In three chapters, we covered nearly 22K words without ever really getting to the plot. And the story is effectively 11 chapters (with the prologue) at 159K words. That’s immense. Only a couple of chapters clock in at under 10K words, and even those are close. Your longest is 25K. That’s a lot of word count, and I’m pretty sure in these chapters alone you could drop nearly 7K words at least. I’d almost say you could cut 10K here alone.

To tie in with that, shorten your chapters. Many of your scene breaks are natural break points for a chapter, and chapter breaks allow for heightened emphasis on the last scenes and for a longer pause to think about what you read. It’s the written equivalent of white space on a poster. You can’t just throw all your words and images on a poster and hope people get your point: you have to have white space and layout to really make sure your message has time to sink in.

I’d also recommend a plot revision with an eye towards pacing and tension. Without getting to the meat of the story, I can’t give a good solid recommendation here on how to do that, but the fact that we were unable to reach the main point within 22K words is telling in and of itself.

Also, your characterization could use strengthening. We didn’t touch on it heavily in the rest of the review, but you’re relying heavily on a lot of telling in the narration to convey what these characters are like over showing us. This shows a reliance on pre-knowledge that, again, undermines your story. Giving us concrete actions to show us what the characters are like, such as when Rainbow Dash comforts Pinkie Pie, allows the reader investment into the characters and makes us more interested.

Finally, while this isn’t tagged crossover, you do suggest that you are pulling from a particular mythos. Or a particular interpretation on the mythos. That means that you need to be a bit more aware of what that mythos is and present it properly. Because it can be a real killer for those who are also aware of it, and you’re limiting yourself on tension points again.

This came very close to earning an Enjoyable, but the problems with tension and pacing were severe enough to outweigh the solid writing, POV, and descriptions, which leaves this with a:

Needs Work.

...but only just. If the spoiler scenes were removed and the early chapters tightened up, it could pull itself up to an easy Enjoyable, and possibly Recommended.