Inky: The Mistress of the Night
By Sidain

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Okay, in the final stretch for this folder. I put this one off for a few days because I really wasn’t wanting to read anything really long. Granted, there are longer ones in here, but 40k is still more than I wanted.

I’ll cover the first two or three chapters with commentary, then decide if I’m reading the rest.

Okay, my expectation going from the description was that this would be a pony exploring an erotic enchanted book. After the first three paragraphs, I thought that the conflict would arise from ponies who abandoned their real lives in favor of the world of the enchanted book, like those tales of gamers who neglect their lives and children because they get so engrossed in an MMO or something.

Which would make sense.

Now it seems that the problem is "giving normal ponies alicorn-level powers is overwhelming".

Which is... a little strange. I kind of liked my earlier thoughts more. Plus, the way these things are described ("nightly affairs") again suggests erotica. Maybe it'll be a combination of these ideas, considering this was in the clop folder.

Noticing some typos: "welding" rather than "wielding"

Honestly, this whole first section is boring. We’re describing the comics, and the comic shop, and the comic shop owner, and the comic artist… and why should I care unless I happen to find the concept of enchanted comics interesting in and of itself? There’s no hook here. Playing up how amazing Inky is at all of it doesn’t really help anything, either.

Also, it’s kind of weird to constantly use “Madam” as if it were the owner’s name and not a title. Enough that I pause for a second every time I see it.

Why don’t you go and find you a nice stallion or mare

Find yourself. Pointing this one out because it caught my eye, but these are the sort of typos I’m seeing pretty regularly in here.

Madam questioned with a motherly tone that Inky trusted.

A very awkward bit of telling.

Some questions are ending with periods, too.

Everyone is very formal when speaking. It doesn’t read naturally.

She reached into her bag her mother brought her art school

Don’t know what you’re trying to say here.

That letter was really awkward. I’m guessing it’s from Twilight, between the “five mares” remark and being one of the few ponies powerful enough for a potion like that. But it really doesn’t sound like her at all. Nor do I think she’d hand out Alicorn Power-Ups quite that casually. My other guesses would be Spike (voice is still off, and where would he get that potion?) or Discord (voice is a little closer, actually, but still wouldn’t sound like him).

and quickly casted the enchantment spell

The past tense of “cast” is still “cast”. As is the past participle, for that matter. And since an enchantment is a type of spell, saying “enchantment spell” is redundant. (Granted, Dungeons & Dragons players may be in the habit of using that wording when referring to a spell of the Enchantment school, but in this case, it seems like we’re discussing a permanent magical effect bound to an object, which is another matter entirely.)

Yeah, I’m nerding pretty hard in this review.

And sorry, but everyone loves Inky just a little too much, and it comes up a little too often. I’m wary of calling “Mary Sue” on anypony, but it’s starting to get a little over the top. Making a point to regularly stop and describe her or her clothing to us isn’t helping this impression, and I doubt making her deliberately OP will, either.

But there was plenty of time for that right now she wants to go have some fun.

At the very least, we’re missing a comma here. But the full correction would probably be: ”But there would be plenty of time for that later. Right now, she wants to go have some fun.” And even then the second half of the statement is so blunt and direct that it becomes awkward.

then for seamlessly no reason

Seemingly.

Okay, attributing any issues here to Inky’s own bad writing is a bit of a cop-out. To quote a Doctor Who rant:

"A wink and a nod to all of your flaws may be charming to some people, but it doesn't make your goddamn problems go away. It just means that now both of us have to be embarassed about them."—Soren Bowie, Cracked.com

Sometimes lampshade hanging can be funny. But it’s usually funny when it’s pointing out a common problem. For example, way back in the second episode, MLP wasn’t quite willing to embrace the random musical numbers that are a hallmark of children’s programming. So when Pinkie started to launch into “Giggle at the Ghostie”, Twilight and Rarity take a moment to point out how absurd this is.

We laughed at it for two reasons. One, it subverted our expectations. We were watching a kid’s show, and we expected it to do kid show things. When it didn’t quite do that, the surprise was funny. (Doug Walker goes into a lot more detail on this idea here) Two, they had a point. The audience got to say “Hey, yeah, this is kind of weird, isn’t it?” and it was a point of connection to the characters.

In your case, you’re playing to trope. You’re not doing anything to mock or subvert it, just pointing out that yes, indeed, you’re being cliche. There’s nothing to make the lampshade-hanging funny, so all it does is draw yet more attention to a weak point in the writing.

What is a “75-cup size breast” anyway? Are we talking a slender woman who constantly topples over because her breasts outweigh the rest of her body? A large but fairly flat-chested woman? The number is just the band size. Cup size is the letter, and indicates how far the breast extends from the body.

And it’s not quite Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, but seeing “the mare” almost every line is getting tiresome.

Oh look, another letter from our mysterious benefactor. While the boon granted this time is nothing like the last one, I’m still guessing this is a princess, Discord, or somehow a character within the comic itself.

The musings on the divine status of the alicorns in chapter two was a bit dull and confusing. It also feels a bit like author soapboxing—like the author is declaring “Celestia isn’t a goddess, guys, quit calling her one!”

And comedy in the form of casual sexual harassment! And in the workplace, even.

Still a problem with telling emotions.

“The way I see it, a god creates, and watches, while superheroes save lives.” Inky explained.

“Well wouldn’t a god help too? I mean, the princesses are alicorns, and they are basically gods right?” Feather said, going along with Equestrian's general thinking.

“No, see a god just watches, the princesses act on the affairs of Equestria and other nations. So they don’t fit the category of gods.” Inky pointed out her view on the general thinking.

“Make sense, so if you got this all figured out, why are you asking?” Feather said, seeing nothing she could add to Inky’s way of thinking.

Sweet Celestia, the logic here. This is blatantly fallacious. Allow me to simplify;

Inky: “Gods don’t intervene.”
Feather: “But Celestia’s like a goddess and she intervenes.”
Inky: “But she can’t be a goddess. Gods don’t intervene.”
Feather: “Oh, well okay then.”

Inky is basically asking if her definition of divinity is valid. When Feather offers an example that contradicts that definition, Inky dismisses it because it doesn’t fit the definition. Her argument assumes that the definition she sought to validate is already valid. In that case, why bother asking in the first place? Of course, Inky could just be making a fallacious argument on her own, but then the problem is that Feather just accepts it as a solid point.

And I don’t even know what to make of that definition of the Anti-Hero. It seems restricted to the darkest variety, but from the diamond dog’s comments about “five types”, I’m guessing you’ve already seen this before. I think my major objection to it comes from the claim that an anti-hero doesn’t worry about morality or the well-being of others. I’d say questions of morality are vital to an anti-hero, while concern for the well-being of others, at bare minimum, is just saying “this character is not a sociopath.”

All in all, I’d say the definition given is a better description of Slade (a villain) than Batman (probably the most popular anti-hero ever).

No one likes to read something without there being some kind of struggle with the main character.”

Actually kind of our problem here. Thus far Inky’s entire conflict has been “now that I have everything I could possibly want, what do I do with it?”

And the diamond dog’s non-entrance and abrupt exit made it that much more apparent that his entire purpose was to ruminate on storytelling techniques for a bit.

And then she’s asked out on a date. Look. She’s attractive, and turns heads constantly. She’s adored by everyone who meets her. She’s a prodigy in everything she does. She’s being given everything she could ever ask for to practice her craft and build her greatest work. And the mare of her dreams is asking her out. This is reaching frustrating levels of Mary Sue.

Years of being a wallflower have given Inky the ability to perfectly read ponies body languages

The opposite is more often true, for the record, though it depends on what made the character socially awkward to begin with. Anyone who’s uncomfortable in social situations due to being on the autism spectrum, for example, is likely being a wallflower in part because they can’t properly read body language.

And we hit an italics tag that isn’t closed, and makes the rest of the chapter italicised. The kind of mistake that should have been caught and corrected ages ago.

I do like the remark on what a pegasus putting a wing around someone means, though.

I keep wondering why she works in a comic shop if she’s a famous comic author, by the way.

Where is all this hostility from Feather towards Jet coming from, anyway?

And… and now we’re launching an entirely new plot about the criminal underworld, and Nightmare Moon is ruling the Lunar Republic, and… what?

Sorry, but when I got to that section, I actually thought it was supposed to be from the movie the group went to go see.

And yeah, I think I’ll leave it off here.

Typos and improper punctuation are very common, and an open format tag leaves half of a chapter in italics.

The writing tends to be extremely telly. Rather than giving us body language or other cues, we’re just told outright what characters are thinking or feeling.

The story is prone to going off on tangents to discuss various topics like divinity and heroism, which really don’t mesh with the rest of the narrative, and only serve to interrupt everything.

On top of all the points I brought up about Inky before, now a shadowy conspiracy seems to be keeping an eye on her. So many things keep nudging her in the direction of “Mary Sue.”

There’s no real story hook at the beginning. It just described a bunch of things to us that we don’t have any reason to care about yet.

The story takes a hard swerve at the end of chapter two. While I’d been wanting to see more conflict, this isn’t the way to introduce it. This change came completely out of nowhere, and totally changed the tone and direction of the story. It’s like I suddenly started a new fic and hadn’t noticed.

Hook the reader early. Give them something they’ll want to find out. The more people it will catch, the better. In your case, why not open with the Nightmare guys doing a stakeout on the comic shop? That way you can get the fact that this is a major AU out there right from the start—dialogue can reference the Lunar Republic and the reign of Nightmare Moon. You can establish that the protagonist has a larger role to play in events now instead of dropping it in later and making it feel forced. Plus, we’ll be starting things off wondering who these guys are and why this random artist is so important.

Don’t just tell us characters’ feelings. Let us figure it out ourselves. Instead of saying outright that the pegasus was nervous from her fear of rejection, show her being hesitant. She looks downwards, or away from Inky in general. She scuffs a hoof (or foot, I don’t know how anthro you’re going) against the floor. She ruffles her wings. You’ll build a stronger connection to the character this way.

Cull the tangents where possible. A reference here or these to these sort of ideas is well and good, but bringing the story to a stop while the characters explain a trope to one another completely destroys your pacing, bores readers who are already familiar with the subject, and gives other readers an opening to take exception to your personal ideas. All of these pull the reader out of the story.

Inky’s character comes off as a Mary Sue because one: the whole world seems to revolve around her for no apparent reason, and two: she lacks any sort of day-to-day conflict. We need to see some part of this world beyond her friends, who adore her; her boss, who adores her; her fans, who adore her; her benefactor, who’s granting her all of these things; and these nightmare guys, who are watching over her. The show gives less attention to Twilight Sparkle. On conflict, we’ve only seen Inky hit two stumbling blocks: First, how to design a character. Second, how much of a role she should play in her story. Neither of those are very compelling. You could get more drama out of Lyra and Bon Bon going grocery shopping. And beyond those, until she gets grabbed by the nightmare guys, her only problem is that she doesn’t think she’s very pretty—a point on which the narrative disagrees with her.

Finally, proofreading. Your errors are simple but ubiquitous. Another look-over, particularly with a second set of eyes, would catch most of them.

There’s a good concept here in the exploration of enchanted books, and potentially a second in whatever this thing about the Lunar Republic is. I also applaud it for being a clopfic with actual story behind it. However, the story and the clop don’t really mesh all that well. Further, the writing is weak, the story doesn’t hook the reader, and the protagonist is unrelatable. All in all,

Needs Work.

Is it me, or are there too many clopfics in the group? Like, is one person spamming all of these clopfics into the clopfic folder or are all these fics from different authors who spam all of their stories in?

3611057
It's just that I'm working on clearing out the clop folder and I'm the most active reviewer. There are only about 20 clopfics, so it's actually one of the smaller folders. I've only got four to go after this one.

And then you're going to see a dozen Random fics when I do that one.

3611057
Actually, Rin is just clearing out the clopfic submissions, since he is one of the few people here that will read them. The folder itself is almost complete as well, so there is not much work to be done with them.

3610981
Thanks Rinnaul!

Okay, wow. Heh, thanks for the review and tips on making the story better! I always had my hears that Inky was too 'Mary Sueish,' and now I have a general Idea of how to tackle this. As for the grammar, all of that is getting redone. I never realized that there was so many of them to be an issue, and now hopefully my writing has gotten better since them.

About the whole explaining divinity...I don't know, I haven't ever thought why I added that, but it seemed fitting for what Inky was trying to figure out. I do suppose that she does get her explanation down fixed to easily with Father. Now with the five anti-hero bit, I honestly made that up from the top of my head, and had never seen that analysis for them. I didn't even think there would be one.

I do have major plans on redoing the story, and possibly, the entire plot line I originally had for a few reason. One, I don't really remember having a set direction with writing this one, and I was mostly trying to write something new. Two, from what I do remember about the overall plot line would only make Inky seem more of a Mary Sue. Three, personally, I don't like the way I was going with the story.

All the more reason to give the whole thing an overhaul huh? Body language I have gotten a lot better at showing and that definitely is gonna be one of my main focus after I have at least a descent plot line figured out.

Thanks for the comments and tips, they're really gonna help out when I get around to rewriting this.