Fifty Shades of Neigh
By theboyconnor

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Okay, first, that pun in the title is wonderfully awful, but I’m sure it’s been done before. Second, there’s no need for such remarks in your trigger warnings. I’m sure there are people of many faiths and creeds—not just Puritans—who would rather not read tales of incestuous sex between cartoon ponies.

Commentary and Review combined due to brevity.

"Woowee, am ah parched!"

She yelled in her thick, southern accent.

First off, Apple Accent. Take it from someone who speaks it, you’re going overboard when you do it this way. Second, never separate dialogue and the attribution that goes with it.

We launch into AJ reflecting on her life with very little preamble (though the capitalization on those barrels could definitely stand to be corrected), which doesn’t really fit the scene thus far. Maybe if it was a little later in the day, rather than immediately after work, and she had nothing to do but reflect on the fact that she only left the farm on business. Or that she might love her siblings and granny, but they were the only ponies she saw on a regular basis. You know, something more than a glass of wine to introduce the subject to the narrative.

“Delectable” is a strange way to describe the sounds she’s making when she’s the only one present. Further, it’s not the sort of word AJ would use, and she’s the character in focus right now. It would be the perfect word to use if you ever write RariJack and Rarity is the one describing AJ, but for AJ alone it doesn’t fit.

Okay, wine is not one of the stronger spirits. Unless AJ is a ridiculous lightweight, I don’t think she’s going to get Stupid-Drunk, much less Fuck-My-Brother-Drunk, on less than half a bottle of wine. For the record, applejack (the liquor) is about 30-40% alcohol by volume. Wine averages about 13%. I like to believe that, as she’s named after a drink with similar alcohol levels to vodka, she can hold her liquor.

That’s all headcanon, but in any case, it shouldn’t hit her that fast. Such things only happen if you’re in a Looney Tunes skit, or if you’re Rock Lee from Naruto.

Going into such great detail on the simple act of lighting a lantern is kind of absurd, and I don’t buy the argument that this is all because drinking makes her stupid. Cause that’s really stupid, really fast, and in a very specific way.

Wow, we’re just kinda… flinging ourselves into this.

Point of order—Mac isn’t going to be ready to go for a round of sex immediately after jerking himself off. Guys have a reload time, even when they’re ponies. You’d probably be better off having AJ step in and take over for him before he can finish.

He’s not going to be ready for a second climax that fast, either. Mac gets into this way too quickly considering how shocked he was at his sister just discovering him clopping, and the sex itself seems to take just seconds from start to finish.

I suspected pacing would be an issue with chapters this short, and it looks like I was right.

Author's Note:
Oh dear God, what have I done?

Slammed out some weak Applecest, looks like.

Applejack thought to herself, partaking in innuendo, a form of comedy she once thought beneath her.

These little asides don’t do much but distract from the rest of the story, and they’re pretty OOC for Applejack, too.

Apple Accent is still happening, and the fact that it’s becoming inconsistent is somehow even worse. Sometimes she can pronounce the letter I, sometimes she can’t. I mean, I’ll grant that I slip in and out of it myself, but that really depends on what I’m doing and whether I’m thinking about how I’m speaking.

Bigger issue here in chapter two, though, is the emotions jumping all over the place. Dialogue doesn’t really follow from what the characters are supposed to be feeling, and those feelings are as inconsistent as Applejack’s pronunciation.

"Ah'm just a whore to you, aren't I?"

Just… where did that come from? That seems to be the opposite of Mac’s feelings. His problem is he’s reluctant to bang you again, not that he wants you for banging and banging alone.

Got some typos in here. Noticed “weary” instead of “wary”, but I know I’ve seen others in the prior chapters.

And “ocupants”. There’s a second “c”.

The sex was once again very quick and with little impact, and the sudden burst of LUS right at the end of the chapter made the final lines both awkward and repetitive.

Honestly, the TiaraBloom bit wasn’t bad. It’s a strange thing for her to fixate on, but not so strange that I can’t accept it, and the realization of her sexuality, while a bit awkward and rushed, was still more understandable than the AppleMac stuff we’ve been watching.

And really nothing but a few typos happened in the fifth chapter, though it seems it was setting up for a sixth before the story was cancelled.

Repeat after me: “Just because Applejack can’t pronounce the letter I doesn’t mean I can’t write it.” Say it a few times so it sticks. You don’t need to butcher the English language to emulate her speech. Instead, rely on her speech patterns, the words she uses, and the ways she uses them. Here’s a section of Kwakerjak’s Flash Fog for comparison:

Applejack nodded. “Yeah, there is. Basically, there’s a little misunderstandin’ that’s causin’ some real annoyin’ distractions, and I aim to nip it in the bud right here and now, if you don’t mind.”

While he still drops the final “g” from “ing” words and uses “ta” for “to” in other places, none of these are as distracting as the heavy version you’re using. Further, those aren’t the only cues you have that AJ is the speaker here. Even if every word had standard spelling and the grammar was flawless, the language would still read ‘Applejack’.

Pacing. I feel like I type that word more than any other at this point. Pacing is always important, but it’s that much more important in stories that are focused on emotions, like Dark, Romance, Sad, and Clop. Yes, clop. Good erotica gives attention to how the characters feel, not just what the activity feels like. Here, everything is terribly rushed. Not only are the sex scenes done in seconds (implying that the characters are done in seconds), but very little time is spent building the emotions they’d be feeling.

Consistency—specifically in the emotions. AJ and Mac’s feelings on their relationship seemed to jump all over the place. Give a lot of thought to what each one wants, and how they feel about what happened between them, then decide if their responses are true to those things.

Proofread. There are a lot of typos throughout. Not as many as I see in some others’ stories, but still enough to distract.

It’s not bad at the beginning, but the poor pacing sinks it more than anything else. Add the confused emotions, overuse of Apple Accent, and prevalence of typos, and the result is:

Needs Work.