Sleipnir
By SlimeKing

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Okay, the first thing I did was get myself into the proper frame of mind for a dark psychological tale. So I watched an Irish lunatic scream nonsense while playing Skate 3 for a while. Betty is a majestic eagle-sasquatch, isn’t she?

Also it took me like two weeks to get through this because I got bumped back up to full-time hours at work, and I’ve been writing my own stuff again. Got a feature, so new goal: more followers than Tidal (and one day all those other jerks who admin here).

Alright, so Princess Twilight wakes up in some kind of interdimensional asylum for ponies who do things that go against the show’s canon G-rated portrayal. So remember, every time you write weird clop (or gore), this is where your characters go.

I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you, Shining Armor, Cadance, Vinyl Scratch, Twilight, Fluttershy, Macintosh, Flash Sentry, Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Luna, Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Trixie, Dusk Shine, and Gilda.

Okay, in reality the facility seems to only care about extreme cases. Your Twilestia romance? Probably safe. Some princest clop? Risky, but could slip by. Princess Molestia? Go directly to interdimensional superjail.

Being serious, in some ways exposition and foreshadowing are strengths in this story. In some ways, they're a weakness. The story does effectively maintain the mystery surrounding Sleipnir, Dread, and the Administrator. To a lesser extent, we wonder who exactly the inmates are, and what they did to be placed here. However, some things are spoiled too early, while others are treated as though they are still an enigma to readers when in fact they’ve become obvious, and it feels less like you’re in on the mystery and more like the story is carefully avoiding certain blatant points. As well, certain facts which should have remained a mystery for as long as possible are revealed in the first few thousand words, like Sleipnir’s interdimensional nature.

And this is, at heart, a mystery story. Beyond occasional interruptions like fights between characters, seeking answers drives the entire plot. The central conflict is the desire to understand Sleipnir, it's inmates, Dread, and the administrator. Twilight's personal conflict is her desire to escape the asylum, and find out why she's there in the first place. Though the fact that she had amnesia about everything she did is one of the weaker points, and one of the things that make it feel like the story is dancing around obvious questions.

However, once again I find a fic with a serious clash of tone versus content. First, the ‘fight’ in Chapter One is so quick and the descriptions so dry that they lose all impact. Second, the following rape scene is left completely vague, which, again, robs it of any impact. I understand you’re probably skirting the edges to keep that “Teen” rating (and one could argue that if you’re going to include a rape scene you should probably go ahead and make it Mature), but you’re missing the part that actually hits the reader. It’s not enough to imply or even state that a character was raped. The reader isn’t going to respond to the viciousness of the act in concept - they’ll respond to the victim’s reaction to it. That can be hard to convey when the act is occurring on a recorded video that the viewpoint character is watching, but at that point it becomes the viewpoint character’s job to react to it and convey to us the gravity of the scene.

There are also numerous instances where the story tells us things we already know. We don’t need introductions to canon characters. This is fanfiction, and it can be assumed. At the very least, we don’t need more than a simple descriptive phrase to establish that character. A full paragraph telling us about Big Macintosh is entirely unnecessary.

I won't go into other major events to avoid spoiling too much, other than to say there's an action scene in Chapter 3 that's pretty well-done, and a dramatic sequence in Chapter 6 that's very good.

The majority of the story seems to be inspired by grimdark Ask blogs on tumblr, as well as a few of the fandom’s classic shockfics. Twilight’s neighbor is Pinkie from “Cupcakes”, and possibly the defunct Ask Pinkamena tumblr as well. Twilight herself is eventually revealed to be from Ask Researcher Twilight, and a creature met in the third chapter seems to be a highly-degenerate Macintosh from “Sweet Apple Massacre”.

The story being about an asylum that deals with personality-warping viruses, a certain amount of leeway has to be granted in what is really “in-character” for the characters here. However, some aspects of the characters must remain familiar to the reader. Could Twilight become a murderous mad scientist? Sure, she’s infected with a virus that alters her behavior and makes her, essentially, sociopathic. However, would she react to alarming situations by saying “that’s bucked up”? Would she refrain from objecting to something that violates her personal ethics just to placate a friend? Would she ever spend time musing on how unattractive one of her friends was? Those are the kind of small issues that can ruin a characterization we’ve already accepted.

Pinkamena also falls flat a lot of the time, only really hitting a good balance of manic cheer and cruel violence in one or two scenes. The only character who feels consistent and well-developed is actually the one with the least screen time: The Administrator. He sounds like a character from the first two Bioshock games: clearly insane, but honestly trying to do what is best for his charges. Unfortunately, he’s insane, and what he thinks is for their best is actually awful torture.

This story hits two very bad points in its prose - beige and telling. Let’s pull a prime example:

Twilight was still trying to figure out why this asylum had multiple variations of the same pony and didn’t listen.

There’s no description whatsoever, and this segment makes no effort to illustrate events for the reader. Instead, it simply states “Because of this, that happened.” This is endemic throughout the story, and really drags down the entire narrative. There’s also a tendency to try to elicit or express emotion by saying that Twilight “began to cry” as something happens. Unfortunately, simply telling us this does nothing to really express the emotion to us. At another point, a trial by combat is explained as being “(the) same as yesterday, but with land mines”. A character using such brief description is perfectly reasonable. But it should never come from the narrator.

This story also had a major problem with the use of ponyisms. “Ponyisms” are all those weird little terms our fandom has developed. Using “buck” in place of “fuck”, “horseapples” in place of “bullshit”, appeals to Celestia or Luna in place of “oh my God”, etc. Some people like them, some people don’t. Personally, I feel they have their place, but aren’t always the best thing to use. Rape scenes are not their place. Ponyisms are silly fandom in-jokes, and in comedy, slice of life, or other lighter genres, they work just fine. But they break the mood in darker stories like this one, and are terribly out of place in a subject as serious as a rape scene. As well, Twilight’s go-to response to the things happening around her is “that’s bucked up!”, and again, that kind of line is perfectly acceptable in lighter or more comedic tales. In one as serious as this, it’s out of place and a major mood-breaker.

There are also a few cases where language use and word choice are repetitive, and not in a manner that supports the tone, but instead just awkward writing. An example:

“Why would a doctor have his patients kill each other? Doctors are supposed to help ponies, not have them kill each other!”

Everything after the comma could have been cut, and the statement would have been stronger for it.

However, beyond these issues and the grammatical mistakes, the story as a whole flows well and keeps a good pace. The only times this is not the case are segments like the dream sequences in Chapters 4 and 8, which could both have been made much shorter and conveyed the same things, or a few times where Pinkamena is the source of lengthy exposition. As it stands, these are major interruptions to the story.

On the one hand, I’ve never read a story about an interdimensional asylum that locks away all of the grimdark and cloppy versions of characters. So your premise is golden, as far as originality goes.

Unfortunately, the story is also rife with cliches, from Pinkamena’s multiple personality disorder to Twilight’s amnesia, from the constantly-laughing mare whose voice Twilight can’t escape to the dream sequences she experiences.

There were some problems with comma usage and run-on sentences, but the fic’s real issue came from the numerous typos and spelling errors. Here are the ones I caught in my notes:

- and all they’ve got me in an - missing “is”
- even thought we may - even though
- Who Dread? - missing comma
- about his - him
- be here?, Twilight thought - remove this comma
- with a shudder, No. - period, not a comma
- enjoyed you breakfast. - your
- favorite method of - methods
- that build over time - builds
- in that prison there where ponies - were, and a run-on sentence
- that over looked the - overlooked is one word
- ponies where positioned - were
- down the isle - aisle
- where many things - were
- Twilight, for starters - period, not a comma
- She wild, piercing eyes - had
- though the belonged - they
- got exited and - excited
- catch up with on another - one
- Shortly after the monitor - after,
- sompony’s - somepony’s
- brush your everyday - teeth
- where oddly shaped - were
- them where in - were
- Princess Celestia to have sent here - having you sent here
- the one who brought me here? - period, not a question
- anatomy as odd a Corncob’s - odd as
- it when should said - she said
- while you were fighting I’m sorry Pinkamena - period after fighting
- upon some of medicine - no "of"
- use magic have, that would - have you
- sit there starring at - staring
- further more - one word
- was too quit - quiet
- was exited to watch - excited
- to make she was - make sure she
- have to long - too long
- found that she couldn’t she couldn’t concentrate - doubled words
- fresh are - air
- I mean her may - he

Also, there are places like this, where first-person thoughts blend into the third-person narration without anything to distinguish them:

At least I’ll be able to see Dread, if only for a moment. Twilight thought to herself,

Drop the pony language. It only really works to add a bit of humor or whimsy to a lighthearted story. Putting it into a story as grim and serious as this one, even without the rape scene, just makes it come off as juvenile and interrupts your mood.

Describe. Your prose is so sparse and dry that it becomes difficult to read. Don’t just state purpose and action, instead describe what the character does.

Work on conveying emotion and scenes with impact. Remember - readers are rarely going to react emotionally to the concept of something happening. Instead, they have to feel it. There are two ways to accomplish this - either through detailed descriptions that ensure the reader will picture the scene exactly as you want them to, or else through the reactions of the characters.

You don’t need to explain these characters to us in such detail. You can assume that readers on a MLP fanfiction site will know who the Mane Six and their friends and family are. If you feel the need to say something to establish them, just touch on it with a few words.

Watch for consistency. Your characters tell contradictory stories at times. Once, Pinkie warmed up to Dread the second time they spoke. Later, it was the “third or fourth” time.

Narrative: 5/10
Characters: 6/10
Style: 3/10
Originality: 7/10
Grammar: 5/10

Final Score: 26/50

Verdict: Enjoyable

Sleipnir has a unique premise, and does put effort into exploring the dangerous and broken characters of grimdark worlds. However, the prose is dry and full of telling, as well as prone to cliches. If the writing style doesn’t turn you off, it could merit a look.

3062041
Yes, I evolved from a Maggot to a Worm and now a Jerk! Progression people, progression!

Anywho... sweet review.

3062041

and one day all those other jerks who admin here

I agree

the admins are jerks

3062416 OVERTHROW THE ADMINS

3062041 You want more Followers then me??

Bring it on