I am looking for feed back on my (icredible short) story Remember as the comments i always receive are never really about how i could write and make my story better>

what do you think of it? is it bad? is it good? how can I improve?

3825690

Okay! Here's my feedback. I'll try to be as constructive as possible.

My first impression is that some proofreading is necessary. I know that when you're writing, it's difficult to focus sometimes on the story and on the grammar. Having an editor definitely helps! Here's some examples from the first paragraph alone:

- Spontaneous switch from first person to fourth person within a sentence: "All I can do right now is remember, to look back on one's past."
- Same sentence: replace comma with semicolon.
- Above changes render next sentence redundant: "My past."
- "I try and I try again and my past is clear yet I feel like an empty void like space covering my memories" <- This sentence desperately needs some punctuation.
- "Maybe it is because I'm cold, maybe its because I'm "alone"." <-- "its" should be "it's" here, or better yet: just spell out "it is" because you do that before in the same sentence.
- Same sentence: try "cold, or maybe," or "cold; maybe."
- "No...wait" <-- Extraneous elipsis with no space after. Perhaps try "No, wait..." Also, period after alone. the "Am I?" should be a separate sentence.

So, first thoughts on the story (in order as I am reading):

- I'm not entirely sure what's going on at this point, nor do I understand who's monologuing. Perhaps that's intentional, and I just haven't gotten to the point where you clarify it, but being this confused right off the bat doesn't really encourage me to keep reading. A little clarification on those points would go a long way!
- The villain's name is "Tirek," not "Tirok." Like I said: Get a friend to help proofread your stories before you post them!
- I'm sure your choice to jumble up the capitalization on certain sentences is a stylistic thing, and I can certainly see the effect you're trying to go for. However, it makes it a little hard to read, and doesn't necessarily make it any clearer that it's an internal monologue or something else speaking to the character. I'd recommend italicization.
- "dig[ging] through the darkness head first, not caring the slightest about how she couldn't see anything" does not sound like a Fluttershy thing to do. She scares easily, but she's not blatantly apathetic.
- The word you're looking for is "definitely."
- Also, "they're," or "they are." "There" is a place.
- "Runaway" is a noun, or adjective. "Run away" is a verb. Also, trees can't really ru-Oh... Lampshade hanging. Got ya. That line doesn't seem to serve any purpose beyond call attention to the brokenness of the metaphor.
- I'm still not clear on what the "thing" is, but "screech[ing]" and "softly sighing" sound like two very different sounds, yet you are putting them together.
- While we're on that subject, I'm not sure ponies screech after they work... That behavior would seem odd to me.
- I think what you're trying to say is that sometimes the "thing" screeches, and sometimes it sighs? The sentence structure there is a little broken.
- Extraneous comma placement in "What I need to do now,is run."
- Lack of comma placement in "Getting up on my limbs I run as fast as I can."

(I know I said this was story feedback, but some of these grammatical errors are really bothering me)

- "Lavender fur covering its body, [j]ust like a normal pony." Ponies come in many colors - the fact that the fur is lavender is irrelevant to the simile. I suggest making that into a separate sentence.
- "Too" is an adverb, meaning "to a higher degree than is desirable" or "in addition." "Two" is the number of nostrils typically on a thing.
- Quotation marks would go a long way towards disambiguating what's spoken, and what's not. If these are internal thoughts, I would recommend italics with no quotation marks.
- Also, who is speaking? I'm still not clear on whose monologue this is, but it sounds like Twilight. Is it Twilight?
- I'm guessing it's not Twilight, because you said her feathers are colorless. Her feathers are lavender...
- ...Oh, I think I just got it. The monster is Twilight, or something? The fact that I'm being made to guess here is not indicative of suspenseful storytelling.

So, wait. Did Twilight have an out-of-body experience, and saw herself as a monster? I'm still not clear on what I just read. I understand that this was made out of boredom, but that's not a good reason for the story itself to be so confusing. Also (and I can't stress this enough), proofread it, or get someone else to proofread it for you.

That said, if the story was a bit clearer, and the grammar/spelling errors cleaned up, this kind of story could have been very thematic and interesting. I'd really like to know what happened to Twilight, and why she was having visions of this monster. What events caused her to see this sort of thing? There's a lot of potential in this story, if you choose to develop it further.

And that's my feedback. I hope it helps!

3825986

OMG !thanks for the feedback. And I do agree on many of the things in here. I so do need a proofreader cause' my grammar is just flat out terrible. Sadly though most of my brony or pegasister friends are just as bad, if not worse at grammer than me. Thanks for all the feedback though, i will defiantly take this all into account!

I would not mind having you as a proof reader for my other story I'm continuing ( so far 1,600 words have been written). But if you want money i can't give you any because i'm basically the definition of skint right now.

3825986

BTW your OC is awesome

3826118 Lol, money. I don't need payment! It's a service to the community.

3825690
I thought the title of this thread was a question.
The answer is yes.

My feedback is commented in the story comments

My feedback is commented in the story comments

...celestia i hate my phone