Royalty for a Day

I wanted some feedback for my story as it's my first time with both Luna and Pipsqueak as the main characters. I had some help with the accents from someone who likes in Britain but I wanted to get some feedback from Americans, seeing as Americans are the primary readers and we view Brits differently than the Brits do.

It's a light story, focused on culture and characters rather than excitement, but the first of the two chapters is 11k long.

-Piquo

As a reader, I'd like to first say that the story was cute and enjoyable, and so it succeeds as a story. After all, a story's primary purpose is to be enjoyed by those reading it. It captured Pipsqueak's youth and excitement perfectly as well as Luna's fondness of him, and the characters were portrayed vibrantly, believably, and creatively. I liked the characters you introduced and the way you presented them, and the relationship you built between Pip and the others, particularly Luna (although Tuxedo Sir was a close second). Apart from a few grammatical errors (you said "the ponies farm", which should be "the pony's farm" as it is a possessive omission, for example), it was a very good story. I can't wait for it to continue.

As a brit, I find it bloody brilliant. It made me smile and kept me entertained outside the fact that it was a fantastic story. I love all the culture elements you added, and I had a fun time going through the phrases. By the way, I'm not sure if this was intentional, but knickers are a woman's undergarment, so unless Pip was a cross-dresser or his mum was being snarky, he'd be wearing pants or boxers.

In conclusion: Good story, keep it up!