New Update! · 1:37am Jun 29th, 2022
It doesn't cover as much as I wanted it to but if I waited any longer to put something out I would have gone insane.
>The declaration shouted by you, Anonymous, hangs tensely in the air.
>Or, you suppose you /wish/ it hung tensely.
>Despite the continued racket, it only took a few moments for the stallions to go from startled to nonchalant.
>Seems like you’re the only one even remotely concerned.
>”Must he come in through the /window/?” Blueblood whines.
>With one last slam, something in the fenestration finally gives way and you’re hit with a sudden blast of cold air from the outside world.
>Makes you appreciate having a coat, you can hardly feel it!
>Although, it doesn’t seem to be helping your fellow unicorns, considering how they’ve all started moaning and groaning about the chilly air.
>Stallions really are just prissy bitches you suppose.
>Following the sudden rush of cold air, your eyes are led to the window that was the source of the racket, and the stallion who just entered through it.
>What’s immediately apparent is he’s a Pegasus, and an old one at that.
>Whatever color his mane once was, now it's a steely gray.
>Which does not go great with his dark orange coat, but you’ve got to give him props for not caving in and dying it.
>What’s far more noticeable however, is the brown flight jacket he’s wearing.
>Specifically, the massive collection of patches and pins adorning that jacket.
>You’d need to be high as a kite not to notice those!
>Just looking at a few of them and you know everything you need to know about this guy.
>This dude was a Wonderbolt, and proud of it.
>As he steps into the parlor proper, you realize he’s already been grumbling to himself.
>>”Fifty-five thirty. That’s a whole five minutes slower than last time,” he mutters.
>The stallions have all started comically shivering.
>”Design, I /asked/ you to please come in the front door this time!” Blueblood cries in full whine mode.
>The now-named Design trots over to the seats and plops down without a care.
>>”And I /told/ you that it's much faster if I come in through the window instead of wasting all that time!”
>He throws an accusatory hoof toward you.
>>”Besides, he seems to be doing just fine.”
>With borderline comedic timing, the moment this newcomer is settled in his seat, all the other stallions stand up.
>Blueblood lets out one of his customary huffs and says, ”Anonymous should never be used as a litmus test for anything.”
>HEY hold on there!
>Sure you’re not exactly the ‘average stallion’, but that’s just uncalled for!
>Resisting the urge to cross your forehooves, you angle your searing gaze toward him.
>”No offense,” he weakly adds.
>Feeling a bit huffy yourself, you don't hesitate to snark back.
“Where are you all even going? Gonna go sit in the hallway?”
>Before Blueblood can continue the cycle of snark however, Golden cuts in.
>>>”The sauna of course!”
>Oh shit, that must have been what Blueblood stepped out of when you got here!
>That perks you right up.
>Any sauna in this place is probably swanky as hell!
>Plus, there’s no way in hell Fancy wants you wearing those fancy outfits in there.
>Channeling your newfound enthusiasm you throw yourself off the couch and onto your hooves.
>You’re not even going to wait for the others to make a move, you are making a beeline for that door!
>You were right of course, this bathhouse was something out of a Roman fantasy.
>Wall to wall marble, and a giant communal bath to boot.
>A communal bath that is at juuuust the perfect temperature to make you forget you were ever cold.
>Unfortunately, you’re currently in no position to take it in and enjoy it.
>”GO, GO, GO, GO!” the other stallions chant.
>You’d never chugged wine before, but it's honestly not that bad.
>Smooth at least, but like all things pony, it's very sugary.
>But before you know it, the bottle has been emptied and you’ve let it float away from you.
>The stallions all give you a little “well done” cheer, bringing how bizarre all this is back to the front of your mind.
>You hadn’t taken these guys to be the chugging type, but you suppose they really are no different than a bunch of sorority girls with a high society sheen.
>And just like sorority girls, they clearly love getting fucked up!
>They’re getting you pretty fucked up too at this rate.
>You’re still trying to pace yourself, but they’re making it so very difficult.
>They’ve kept the wine flowing like water and everytime they take a drink themselves, it just makes you thirstier.
>It's the same sort of feeling as when someone yawns and it makes you want to yawn too.
>Except with drinking, obviously.
>...is drinking contagious for ponies?
>You feel like you read that one time.
>Maybe... maybe you should just ask Blue for a glass of water then.
>Doing a quick check towards him, you see he’s already shouting at two poolside guards.
>Probably trying to get that window fixed, you’d guess.
>Hmmm, better leave him be for now.
>Letting yourself drift, you peruse your other options for entertainment in the meantime.
>Floating past Fancy, Golden, and Caesar, you see that in true drunk party fashion they’re already knee deep in a new conversation.
>Eh, pass.
>Continuing on, you spy the new guy resting by himself a little ways away from Blueblood.
>Perfect! He’s clearly some kind of sports guy, maybe he’ll be a little more your speed?
>You start horsey paddling his way, although your path is hardly ‘straight’ to him.
>It's just because you’re not used to swimming in this body, surely.
>Absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol.
>Just think about it like rowing a boat!
>You’re veering a little to the right, so just paddle harder with your right!
>There you go, now you're back on tra—aaaaand you can’t see that guy anymore.
>Wait, your /left/. Paddle with your left.
>Alright, that’s better. Now he’s back in view AND you’re heading towards him.
>And he’s chuckling!?
>”...never would have survived Wonderbolts initiation,” he mutters to himself.
>Pl~eeeeeease! You’d have been fine.
>What could they have done, butt chug wine?
>”So,” he says as you grow closer, “you’re that reporter, right?”
>Aha! Your reputation once again proceeds you!
>Shit, you should probably make some attempt to live up to it, then.
>You are /technically/ still on the clock after all.
>Scrambling, just a little, your hooves thankfully find purchase on the bottom of the pool.
>Pretty quickly too, almost like this whole pool is only about a foot or two deep.
>Choosing to believe you /couldn’t/ have stood up the whole time and /didn’t/ just make a massive fool of yourself, you stretch out your hoof.
“Yes sir. Anonymous of the Canterlot Canterer, at your service!”
>A smile almost two feet wide breaks out on the old Pegasus’ face.
>Boy is this guy glad to see you!
>/Really/ glad.
>”Dubois Design,” he says with a firm bump back, “/Ex/-Wonderbolt.”
>Ooo, there was more than a little venom in that ‘ex’.
>Perhaps there’s a bit of a story there?
>As if sensing your curiosity, he follows up.
>”Came here hoping for a big scoop, eh?”
>Well, he’s right, but you feel like you shouldn’t say it.
>Although ‘retired athlete’ might be the one type of guy in this wacky world that’d prefer you be frank.
>Might as well take the chance, see what happens.
“Yeah. More or less.”
>The pony’s grin only grows.
>”Oh do I have the story for you, then!”
>Yes! Mom was right!
>Honesty really IS the best policy. Sometimes.
>He leans towards you, in a way you’d almost describe as conspiratorial.
>”What if I told you one of my dearest friends was /wrongfully/ discharged from the Wonderbolts some years ago? AND the scandal involved an Element of Harmony?”
>Wait, an Element of Harmony?
>As in, one of those big national heroes, THE Elements of Harmony?
>Holy shit.
>This might be an actual story!
>With unrestrained glee, you lean in yourself like a true co-conspirator.
“I’d say that I was very interested to hear more.”
>You look like you’ve just made this dude’s day!
>He’s grinning ear to ear, and then some.
>Guess he’s really eager to get this out!
>But it is kind of odd that nothing about this has crossed your desk yet.
>Seems like the kind of thing your sources would have brought right to—
>”And before you ask,” he cuts off your musing, “Yes I’ve tried breaking this story for years, but no one’s ever willing to listen to me! And you know why?”
>Despite it obviously being a rhetorical question, he lets it hang for dramatic effect.
>Normally you’d be rolling your eyes, but you’ve got to admit, you're a little hooked!
>You’ve got a small inkling of what that reason might be, and oh boy do you hope you’re right!
>That magic word that sells papers like hotcakes.
>You’re practically vibrating with excitement at the mere thought of it!
>”The same reason Wind Rider was discharged in the first place! SEXISM! Plain and simple.”
>JACKPOT!
>Holy shit you just hit the motherlode!
>Dubois just got done spilling the beans to you, and what beans they were.
>Wind Rider was a pretty big deal in the Wonderbolts back in the day.
>His big accomplishment being everything he did to prove that stallions deserved to be on the A-team with the mares.
>But they’ve apparently been trying to phase him out, doing away with everything that referenced him.
>And to cap it off they intended to /give/ his long-distance speed record away to a mare!
>Then when he protested, they dishonorably discharged him!
>A living legend, cast out for standing up for himself.
>This is great, this story is everything you could have wanted out of this little get-together!
>Taking another celebratory swig (when did that wine bottle end up next to you?) you express what might be genuine indignation for the first time in your professional career.
“That’s fucking unbelievable.”
>Because honestly, you actually feel a little bad for this Rider guy.
>Sure, you stand to make a shit ton of cash off his story, but blowing this thing open might actually be helpful to somebody!
>This is the exact kind of stuff you /wanted/ to report on!
>Dubois clearly shares your enthusiasm; the stallion is just as amped as you.
>”That’s what I said! It was bad enough they gave a /mare/ his record. So I told them if Wind Rider’s not a Wonderbolt, I’m not either!”
>Hell yeah, you tell them dude!
>Oh you can already see the headline.
>’Sleezy Sky Scandal Saps Stallion’s… something!”
>Okay maybe you can’t quite see the headline.
>Yet!
>Although, it is very odd that nobody has broken this story yet.
>This place is sexist, sure, but surely /someone/ else would have cared enough to talk about this obvious injustice...
>>”*Ahem*.”
>The sudden sound behind you has you whipping around!
>...and that has you nearly hurling from the vertigo.
>”Ah, Caesar! I was just telling Anonymous here about Wind’s horrible encounter with that Element of Loyalty. How /did/ mares like that even end up as our national icons?”
>Once the room has stopped spinning, you do indeed see Caesar.
>How’d he get behind you without you noticing?
>Caesar’s grimacing, like he’s smelled something foul.
>>“Ah, yes. It's interesting that both Blue and yourself have managed to run afoul of one of the elements. A rarity, or so I’m told.”
>Oooh, you detect a hint of spice there!
>That’s the most you’ve seen out of Caesar all night!
>That pegasus must have done something to really piss him off.
>Dubois seems unbothered though, waving it off with a, ”Hmf, most stallions are just too starstruck to see through them!”
>You have no horse in this race, so you simply sit by.
>Sadly, Caesar capitulates first, and takes a deep breath.
>>”*Sigh* Regardless, may I speak to Anonymous pri—”
>>>”Hold on, DID SOMEPONY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT RARITY JUST NOW?”
>At that, Caesar is immediately forgotten, and you turn your attention to Blueblood speeding over to the three of you with all the glee of a schoolgirl.
>Jesus, he must be really hung up on whatever happened between him in that mare.
>The moment for that had clearly passed, yet he dragged it back there anyway.
>Ironic considering you vaguely recall hearing that that whole debacle was mostly his fault...
>Caesar speaks up again, sounding even more worn out.
>>“Blue, please do—”
>Only to be cut off /again/, this time by Dubois.
>”Oh you remember what happened to my poor friend, don’t you Blue?”
>A true gossip in every sense of the word, Blueblood’s smile looks like it's about to split his face.
>>>”Oh, of course... Want to trade stories again anyway?”
>”With pleasure!”
>And just like that, the two of them are off in their own little world.
>You suppose it's just as well, you’d better write those juicy, juicy details down before you forget ‘em!
>You left your pad back in the other room better just hop out and—
“Erk!”
>You let out the cry involuntarily as a foreleg suddenly hooks itself around you.
>It seems whatever Caesar wanted couldn’t wait, as you’re now being pulled away from the other two stallions at a frankly shocking speed.
>It seems even Earth Pony stallions are not to be trifled with.
>Sure, you could struggle, but you also don’t really feel like it.
“Hey Caeee~zah. While we’re out and about, could you take me by my pad?”
>He largely ignores your question, just grimacing a little as he continues to drag you.
>You barely noticed, but he seems to be trying to put as much distance between you and Dubois as possible.
>This sets off your internal snoop alarm, and it's with no small amount of disgust you realize how finely tuned that alarm has become.
>On the upside, if it's right, you’re about to get even more material!
>Eventually, the two of you reach an edge of this oversized tub and Caesar lays you upon it.
>Seeing no reason to right yourself, you leave your head resting on the side of the pool.
>From there, you have a perfect view of Caesar looking back toward the others.
>Ooooh, something he doesn’t want you to hear?
>>”Listen, Anonymous, I must strongly advise against writing about anything Dubious told you.”
>Dubious? He said his name was Dubois!
>Bah. You’ll file that under ‘things to figure out later’.
“Why th’ heck not?” You slur, “Wind Rider didn’t deserve that! HELL no!”
>Hm, Caesar looks awfully disgusted at what you just said.
>Odd considering how much of a champion for stallions Winder Rider was.
>Although, that look does fall off his face almost as fast as it appeared.
>>”Ah, I suppose you wouldn’t have heard. You’re no sports correspondent.”
>His words have a bad memory cued up in short order.
>One from all the way back when you first got hired!
>Now /you’re/ the one looking like someone shit in your coffee.
“Bah! Don’t remind me. All they’d’ve let me report on was shit like minor league softball. Who gives a fuck about that!?”
>Twice in a row now you’ve said something that’s clearly shocked and disguised Caesar.
>This time he’s leaning more towards shock at least.
>”What stallion doesn’t like minor league softball?” he whispers in horror.
>You refuse to even humor the idea that minor league softball is popular on a wide scale, so you retreat further into your thoughts.
>In hindsight, would that really have been such a bad gig?
>Maybe not, but at least with your current title you occasionally get to break actual stories.
>Who could forget the time you indirectly caused an international incident!
>Good times.
>Oh fuck Caesar was talking this entire time.
>”Furthermore, I think we can both agree that was fairly out of line. Right?”
>Fuck.
>There’s no polite way to say ‘I wasn’t listening’, is there?
“Caez, I won’t lie, Imma need you to take it from the top again.”
>He seems understanding at least, no indignant anger or pouting.
>However he doesn’t restart his tirade either.
>He looks at you how you’d imagine a fraternity brother would at a pledge who’s bitten off more than he could chew.
>”Anonymous,” he says as he places a comforting hoof on your withers, “have you been getting your spacers? You only need to ask.”
>Spacer? Now that’s a phrase you haven’t heard since college.
>Presumably it still means a glass of water.
>”And don’t feel like you need to keep with us bottle for bottle. We /were/ the reigning champions whenever Jet Set hosted at his vineyard!” he says with no small amount of pride.
>Jesus, no wonder you’re falling apart at the seams.
>You’ve been unintentionally matching some bona-fide wine-o’s this whole time!
>It's just like the time you were after your friend with horrible chronic pain in the blunt rotation.
>Except with alcohol this time, obviously.
>Better slow down before this also ends with you throwing up everywhere.
“I-I could really go for one, sure,” you stammer.
>Not even wasting a moment, Caesar hoists himself out of the pool.
>”Alright, wait here and I’ll be right back. And don’t listen to Dubious! I’ll bring you up to speed when I’m back.”
>You simply grunt in affirmation as the stallion turns tail and heads back the way you all came.
>You don’t bother watching him go, you’re content to simply stare off aimlessly as you marinate in your thoughts.
>Wonder what Pike and Cut are up to right now...?
>>”Ooooooh stallions!” Blueblood calls out.
>You, and everyone else in the pool, shift your attention toward him.
>>”I’m told our little draft problem has been fixed! Now, I do believe we were promised a bit of a fashion show?”
>With that, all eyes turn to you, and you’re left with a choice.
>You could just call it quits now that you’ve got the Wind Rider story, it’d be more than enough for the paper.
>But... but... you could go two for two.
>Wind Rider AND Fancy’s new line?
>That’d be quite a niiiiiiiice Christmas bonus.
>Shooting yourself upright, you shout.
“Fuck it, let’s do it.
lol he's getting shitfaced so hard
5668557
Ohhh yeah, lol
5668557
Lmao damn right. Fun fact, the thing about drinking being contagious between horses is actually true. Turns out you CAN lead a horse to water and make him drink, you just need to drink too.
Hey, any update is good after so long. Quality matters more than quantity as well.
Now, if you want to combine quality and quantity? Well, I won't complain about it. Just putting that out there
.
5668618
Yeah, hopefully now that things are settled down I can be faster
5668557
in his drunken state he should make a hit peace on RD and Rarity but like no one can tell it was him because he was so wasted.