2021

I know it's early but I just had this idea and I wanna ride the inspo wave. Tw death, su!cide, eating disorder, abuse

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New year new me
And a new room too
Paint over the pink
And leave no trace
'Beachcore' I said
And a trip to the craft store
Stretched my budget a bit
But i was satisfied in the end
And I said I'd go back
To fill up more walls
And I never did

It sounded fun in theory
A super bowl party with friends
Or 'friends' as I should say
I didn't know any of them then
And they didn't know me
So I sat in the corner watching my life go by
Near a dimly lit exit
With munchies, cherry balls, and soda
I said once my phone finished charging
I'd rejoin the group
And I never did

Last day of the month
My brother is turning nine
7 chairs sat in a circle
One remained empty
"Grandpa's feeling a little sick" They said
"It's just a headcold" They said
"He'll be better soon"
And he never was

I come home from school
With my phone in my hand
A silly space game
That fell out of popularity months ago
Dad asks me to wait before retreating upstairs
I sit in my chair and twiddle my thumbs
Still carrying my bag
He comes in and asks for me to come to him
Without my bag
He hugs me for the first time in months
And tells me the news
I keep a stoic face and calmly go upstairs
"Sorry guys, I don't really feel like playing anymore
I just found out my grandpa has cancer"

Everyone's walking on eggshells around me
Like I'll crack any minute
I get why, but I'm rather unbothered by it all
I can't show it though
That would look rather callous
But I've been through worse
So, so much worse
"I'm here if you need someone"
But they don't understand
Maybe you understand losing someone close
But I doubt you understand
Your partner responding to the news
By asking for nudes

I don't dwell on it long
I start to take my first steps
Once around our neighborhood
Soon turns into once around ours
And the next
Then once turns into twice
Two times around the neighborhood
Twice a day
Suddenly priorities become clear
Spending time with grandpa
Becomes much more important
Than eating more than once a day

I'm used to it now
Anything more than 750
And it's 3 bike laps
But I'm no good at anything
Suddenly eating stolen sweets
And spilling ice cream on the bed
I don't go over the toilet
I just live with it
I binge but don't purge
I restrict but don't lose
What the hell is wrong with me?
On a youth retreat I only consumed table scraps
And white monsters
And nobody questioned it
Well why would they?
They didn't question when I was quiet
Silently reliving things I don't dare to speak of
They didn't question what I did when I was alone in my room
With nothing left to do
But attempt to hang myself
With a power cord
And sleeping bag hook
But the shelf was too short
I didn't even bother to try after that
I just went down to the coffee shop
And grabbed another monster

"Grandpa's not doing so well"
But he was fine two weeks ago
Things were going back to normal
And now we're back to sititng quietly in dark rooms
He was emaciated
Having been transferred to hospice early on
He only went through one round of chemo
But it was enough
For him to decide
That it wasn't worth it
"I bet some girls would give an arm and leg to look like this"
I chuckle and eat my rice cake
They didn't tell me
They didn't fucking tell me
I didn't get to know
They didn't bother to let me know
And because they didn't
I turned down the last time to visit with him
Before he died on an early August morning
I didn't shed a tear when they told me
Nor did I at the viewing
I could only roll my eyes
At my brother, who was too distracted by the paintings behind us
And voicing his thoughts on them
Then letting us say our goodbyes in peace.

They held an outdoor funeral
Once a spot for the urn opened up
My uncle and grandma gave wonderful speeches
I knew better than to be emotional in public
"You can only cry when something hurts real bad or when somebody dies"
Is what my mother told me once
But someone is dead
My grandpa and I weren't particularly close
He was disciplinarian, I was rambunctious and loud
Though I can say
That the way I express my creativity
By bringing joy and laughter to others
Came from him
But I still sat unfaltered throughout the two speeches
And then it was time for my dad's speech
"I'd like to thank Kayla for all the hard work that she's done over the last few months"
For the hours spent on that couch
For the days spent doing yard work
For watching my brother all day for no pay
For having to be subject
To my father's verbal abuse
Every single fucking day
From the start til the end
And for some reason
Hearing the man who had caused me so much pain
For the last few years
Finally acknowledge me for the first time
Is what caused me to finally break
And I'm sure
That no one in that room
Actually knew why

I'm used to being yelled at
It's been a normal occurance for most of my life
But I always knew the reason
Something I did, something I didn't do
Something I should have said at a different time
But now the reasons become more murky
And a lecture about how eating cookies at 8 AM isn't acceptable
Turned into how I'm wasting my life
And alienating everyone around me
Because no one wants to hear about dumb youtube videos
And video games
And how nothing that comes out of my mouth
Is worth listening to

It's been 15 years since 2006
I almost got what I wanted for my birthday
But I guess I can learn to live with it
I wanted to have a party
But I couldn't find anyone to invite
Even though I have plenty of friends
and plenty of time and cash to spare
I couldn't make myself belive
That anyone who I invited
Could be bothered to come

And the holidays are here again
Life's starting to get better
And so am I
In some ways more than others
Even if I don't like myself
Even if I can't trust anyone
Even if my home isn't the safe haven it should be
And even if I haven't accomplished half of what I feel I should have
I managed to convince myself that 2022 is worth seeing
And that's enough progress for me

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Here's to the new year

P.s. I'm not ending this on that much of a downer, I wrote an EP! I may be putting it up on SoundCloud or Bandcamp or whatever next year! It's my favorite project that I've embarked on and people generally seem to like it, I may post some lyrics on here soon. Turns out I know nothing about instrumentals though so that's gonna be fun to learn. Hope you'll continue to stick around to hear more of my ramblings, and I am truely thankful to have each of you here.

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Happy staying in with warm drinks season
And keep the vibes flowing