I really require your honesty - tell me the truth, it's something I really need to hear. I have nothing to lose by asking. · 7:38am May 29th, 2021
I have nothing to lose nor to gain by making this post, so I'm going to get on with it.
I think it's more than fair to say that I have shared a lot of my personal life here through all the blogs I've made through the years. At those times, I have been one or more of the following: sad, angry, depressed, miserable, optimistic, cynical, realistic, blunt, deadpan, humorous, cocky and brash, a bit full of it, opinionated and even a smidgen deluded at times with my own reasoning. Not too proud of that looking back, so do know it brings me a nauseating disgust in reflection.
This time, I'm none of those things. If anything, I am going to be very blunt and to the point here, but not cynical in any way. So, without further stall, here it is:
I've decided that I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to anybody ever again. What do I mean by that? Well, my whole life has been a life lived without being considered in my own favour by other people. In lament's terms, I mean that I've been a victim of emotional manipulation, deceit, lies and general negativity.
Getting put down, spoken down to, being condescended, being made to feel like a moron by actual idiots who frankly have their head stuck up their own ass on a loop and don't understand that times have changed (curmudgeons), getting yelled at for no reason, etc, etc. Sounds a bit mean and out of line? No. Not from my position. I've grown beyond feeling the least bit self-conscious about telling it how it is about certain individuals like that. I've grown up around them. I do all I can to not be that. It's not a personality I want to promote.
From now on, I want to do what I want for myself whether anybody likes it or not. I want to do what I've not had much opportunity to do and do things that I otherwise wouldn't do because there's always somebody there to put me down and make me feel nothing but ashamed for wanting those things. I can dream if I want to.
I'm never going to do anything for somebody who won't return the favour. That isn't friendship, that isn't fair, that isn't right. It's deplorable. A lot of people in my life have been that way towards me my entire lifetime, and I am so damn sick of that neglect and being taken for granted. I cut ties with so many people very recently. I don't consider them friends, I don't want any further affiliation with them, I want no part of their life anymore.
To tell the truth, I DON'T want to be involved with social media anymore. It's done nothing but make myself and multiple others miserable. You think toxic people are bad? Well, they do exist online, too. There is no escape from that, unfortunately. There will always be one no matter where you go. Although only a part of my reasoning, I'm slowly going to end up quitting social media for good and never use it again if I can help it.
Fimficion is already dead to me. It only still sees use to me since it's the only place where most friends I've made hang around and it's easier for mass communication here. My numbers fluctuate on here a lot, but I don't care. This place holds a special meaning to me personally for all the years I've spent here.
In short, I'm calling everything quits. My struggling mentality can't handle it and it's hanging on by a thread. I'm angry, lonely, miserable, depressed, can never find peace of mind and I can't figure out what to do with myself. I want to live my life my way and actually have fun for once, make memories I've missed so badly out on.
I'm in my early twenties and it already feels like a lifetime has gone by and I'm old and decrepit. That's absolute bollocks, yes, but from a guy who's never once had an outing with friends to a comic con, a convention of any kind, a day out together, any form of hobbyist sport with old friends, life tends to go by very slowly and get dull rather fast.
I live with that horror that those memories may not ever happen in my lifetime. My hopes have always been so high and end up getting shredded, followed by crushing disappointment when I come to realise it's not as I imagined it would turn out. That's been the story of my life, come to think of it.
As for the friends I've mentioned around here? I've had plenty of social interactions with many of you. Most conversations we've had were very pleasant. However, as my blog posts became more frequent and I noticed a shift in follower count and general response to my posts, I gathered the majority of people who read my content don't actually like me and they got sick of me pretty quick for how I act and how I speak my mind. Don't get me wrong, I understand why. In my self-conscious mind where my only perception is made from my past experiences with bad people, there's not much else I can conclude on, even if it's not true at all.
That is pretty much the size of it, to be frank. I barely get the idea I'm wanted around here or that anybody would even truly miss me or that there is much to look forward to. Lately, that has become quite apparent. I'm talking both online and offline. Nobody would reach out to me if I tried anything and I doubt my absence would leave much of a dent in anybody's life. Hell, I tested a few of my family on that one and they didn't even bother to say anything when I held a gun to my head.
A lot of people say they care, but when it comes down to that person's breaking point and they make it obvious they are in a very bad way and you may not see them tomorrow, I don't see them reaching out their hand to grab them and stop them. If that's the kind of world this has become, then my hope for a better future is truly burned and as meaningful as hot snot in a soggy tissue.
And lastly, as a closing point, it gets so old when each time I make a statement like that, I get a person in the comments telling me, ''don't do it'' or ''god loves you'', whatever. It's not a suicide note. Comments like that sicken me to an extent. I can't help but roll my eyes and sigh. Would you? Probably if you've read this blog this far, but I doubt you have because I doubt my opinions are worth that much to you, and why would they be?
So you know, I used to frequently check in on friends I've made if I haven't heard from them for a while. In relevance to the whole point of this blog, I doubt if I go quiet for a long time, they wouldn't do the same for me. I take that as an indicative sign of our true relationship. Sure, I know a lot of us are busy with our own lives and all that, but if enough time goes by that it can be summarised they chose not to check in, take that as you will.
I'm not even sure why I do the majority of the things I do. Maybe I was right in thinking I was always the insane one and me getting older and more restless ended up proving all my theories in one go about myself and my inherited traits. So far, my theory has been proven mostly correct. 
For the record, I have been teetering between a few suicidal thoughts as of lately, but I'm not going to. No point when I probably won't see myself getting much older anyhow. Reasons as for why I say that, well, I've had quite a lot of indications lately following a professional diagnosis. If this is destined to be my life for however long I have left on this planet, I'd prefer death. That is the cold, hard, honest truth.
I'm not going to waste my words on this topic any longer. It is what it is, and that is my thoughts on it. I am trying, that is all can be asked of me or anyone in the same place. These posts to me always sound so self-indulgent that it makes me hate them a lot, but I seriously needed to talk about it, say it.
I get the sneaking suspicion I've let so many of you down with all the things I have said so far and that you'll always think lowly of me for it. You don't know my full life story's context, so that wouldn't be completely fair. No judgements here, but it's alright to have an opinion as long as you make it accurate to the situation provided.
If you do still care, it wouldn't hurt to say so in the comments. If not, then that's okay. As I said in the start, I have nothing to lose nor gain either way.
I don't know if I ever made an impact in your lives. That's whether or not we've had a deep conversation, swapped a few stories, whether or not I've read some stories for you and posted them to my YouTube page to give you more publicity, if we've hung out in a Discord group chat before and been chatty for hours, whatever it may be.
I hope you know I wholeheartedly don't mean to come across as a jackass at times. I have no clue what anybody thinks of me as a person, let alone a personality behind a voice on the internet, or as a guy who writes fanfiction, lovingly dubbed 'horse words' by long-time fans of the show.
A lot of you out there have definitely made an impact on my own life, I can say that with the utmost certainty. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for some of you who talked me out of doing some pretty stupid, irreversible things that shan't go mentioned here. Me being here speaks for itself, and you have my utmost thanks and everlasting respect for that. 
Like I said, if me being here still means anything to you or if you do indeed care about me at all, it wouldn't hurt to let me know. Knowing that somebody still cares can make living worthwhile and give meaning.
==========
- FireRain 💔
In the end, I only want you to stay. 
i still care, but I do see where you’re coming from, I don’t comment on all your blog posts, and I never PM anybody. So, I could see how you’d think I’m not the best.
Hey there, I wanted to think about this before replying, hence the delay.
But the best things from the heart are usually said on the first draft, so I'll just write.
Well it sounds like you've been getting the rough end of the stick for a while.
Too many of the wrong type of people have entered your life and messed you around.
If you can move away from those people without doing the "cutting of your nose to spite yourself", then do it. Sounds like a good move.
Social media? Toxic playgound. Even moreso now with ex-Facebook employees whistleblowing on how they categorise users into three levels and restrict accordingly. Reminds me of how North Korea does it. They also use three levels to grade their citizens. Except North Korea doesn't ban someone for saying "Vitamin C has been peer-reviewed to improve the immune system". Not kidding - Facebook puts you in timeout for that!
Fimfiction has changed. The biggest clue? Knighty's recent public post about NSFW stories and Patreon. The first page had comments that remarked on how foalcon and rape fics were bringing the site down and moderating these types of stories would help FimFiction. My supportive reply in response was met with a tonne of downvotes. Unbelieveable... we are talking about adult X child sex stories and rape stories for the sake of rape (ie- people getting their jollies from it, not a story where a Twilight Sparkle was abused before the story began and the actual story is all about her recovery).
"I'm in my early twenties and it already feels like a lifetime has gone by and I'm old and decrepit. That's absolute bollocks, yes, but from a guy who's never once had an outing with friends to a comic con, a convention of any kind, a day out together, any form of hobbyist sport with old friends, life tends to go by very slowly and get dull rather fast."
You know, that reminded me of when I saw a counsellor in my early 20's. I was 23 or 24. I wrote a letter one night, titled something like "The story of a wasted life." I was severly depressed at the time and would later be prescribed anti-depressants.
I laid out my failings where I did not go to university like I had hoped and how I still had not got my drivers license (I had a real phobia of harming people on the road). Also my sole-trader computer service had not prospered like I had hoped. Yet when I talked to people who asked me my age they responded with "you're young!".
I'm in my 30's now... still haven't been to university, still don't own/mortgage my own house, still single. Yes, I had an extended breakdown when I hit 30. Still single at 30, and all that. Looking back I say that it was all rubbish.
Mate, you're realising all this in your 20's and pulling out of a crash, just as I first did. That's good.
What won't be good is revisting that crash in your 30's.
I had a friend suicide when I was in highschool. We were talking and laughing the day before it happened. No signs. His mother was so distraught.
My own thoughts of suicide? When I was at my darkest I felt I knew why people would suicide - their soul had already died inside. Feeling nothing. Dead inside. It's scary, I've been there and it is hell. Thinking that you are more of a burden to society and family alive. But that is wrong and we would all leave behind grieving people.
Have you made an impact on other people's lives? Have I made an impact on other's lives?
We are all here for a reason. As I move further into my 30's (now the latter half) the thoughts of inadequacy rise. Desperate is a term I would use. Stress has made lines on my face and look as though I have aged greatly in the last five years (or even two years). Don't go that way man. I like to think that I was blessed with good genes, but have not looked after myself as best as I should have. Bah. If I could give advice to a younger version of myself in my early 20's, it would be to pick a path and stick to it. Life gets depressing, but stick with a path. And don't harm your body with coffee, red bull, alcohol or anything along those lines, even if it helps in the short term.
Nah, you don't sound like jackass. You sound like someone dealing with life the best they can.
Honestly, I thought you were older with the crap you've had to deal with and your experience with the wider aspects of adult life.
Do people care about you enough? Well I care enough to write from the heart and place it on an open forum. It's not done with bravado, but it is humbling and if the right people can take some benefit from it, then mission accomplished.
Cheers, Gyro.