What I Learned as a Demisexual/Demiromantic

Now, I’ve started to frequent the r/demisexuality subreddit, and one of the most common posts are people asking for advice or information because they’re questioning.

Perfectly understandable. I help where I can on posts I feel like I can actually offer help on and I’m going to share that same advice on here with you all on the off chance it’ll help someone. Granted, this will mostly be me parroting information others have told me or information from the articles and videos I’ve watched, but this isn’t something that is widely known and I want to try and educate as well as help.

While I will remain as clinical and respectful as possible, I will be bringing up the topic of sex.

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum, and is the complete absence of sexual attraction until a bond is formed. Let me stress that it isn’t “being picky”, or “normal”, demisexuals do not feel any sexual attraction at all until the prerequisite of a strong emotional bond is established. Demisexuals do not see people on the street, actors, or celebrities “hot”.

There is no desire, no reaction, no drive to have intimate relations with someone if they don’t know them.

This means that demisexuals are functionally asexual until they care about someone enough to develop sexual attraction. Personally, it’s less to do with looks, and more to do with who the person is. For example I find my boyfriend attractive because of the amount of love, respect and, trust we have for each other. It’s who he is that matters, not what he looks like.

Can I be Straight/Bi/Gay/Pan and still be Demi?

Yes. The Asexual and Aromantic Spectrums is often used as an additional label to the more “well known” sexualities. I myself am a Straight Cis female that is Demisexual and Demiromantic.

You can be demisexual/asexual/gray asexual and still be romantically attracted to a specific gender, as the Asexual spectrum only concerns sexual attraction and nothing else.

With that said...

Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction are Two Different Things!

Despite what society and modern media would have you believe, sexual attraction (the desire to be sexually intimate with someone) and romantic attraction (the desire to date someone/ fall in love) are two different things.

Just because a demisexual does not feel sexual attraction until after getting to know someone, that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love. In fact the “emotional bond” I keep bringing up can be platonic or romantic.

I’m going to be using myself as an example, I knew my boyfriend for a few years before I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, that I liked him romantically, but I wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of doing anything intimate with him when we first got together two years ago. It was around nine months (roughly) into the relationship, after talking things out, discussing what we wanted out of the relationship, what I was comfortable with, and trusting him enough to be ok with even talking about sex.

I loved him first, and found him attractive as time went on.

So, for those demis with significant others, for those of you who are dating a demi, and especially for people questioning if they are demi, please heed this next bit of advice.

Communication Is Key!

I cannot stress this enough, you need to be okay with having actual conversations, you need to aware of both your own boundaries and those of your partner. And for you singles out there, you need to be able to clearly explain this to any potential partners you may have, it will save you a ton of pain and heartbreak in the future.

It’s heartbreaking to see people on the Demisexuality subreddit deal with some horrible situations because they’re pressured into doing something, or assumptions are made based on how dating and hook-up culture work...

Sexual Attraction is Different from Sex Drive or Arousal

This is a point that a lot of people get confused with, thinking that getting turned on, viewing erotic material, and their own libido means they aren’t demi.

Sexual attraction is seeing someone and having the desire to have sex with them.

Sex drive is the desire to have sex in general, it is a biological process and is perfectly normal to have. An undirected thing that just happens. Demisexuals can have high or low sex drives, Asexuals can have high or low sex drives. Anyone can have high or low sex drives. What matters is the lack of or limited attraction to others that defines people on the asexual spectrum.

And yes, you can watch porn, read explicit fanfiction, whatever suits your taste. Arousal is nothing more that reaction to erotic stimuli and is a normal thing.

It’s even okay if you want nothing to do with sex. There are people who enjoy, others don’t and that’s okay.

Demisexuality VS Demiromanticism

I mentioned the Aromantic Spectrum earlier and have already stressed the fact that wanting to bang someone and falling in the love with them are two separate things. For those of you curious, Demiromanticism is similar to Demisexuality in that both of these orientations require a strong emotional connection to a person as a prerequisite, the difference being what the prerequisite relationship is for.

Demisexuals require an emotional connection before they are sexually attracted to someone.

Demiroamtics require an emotional connection before they are romantically attracted to someone.

There is no “Lust at first sight” with a Demisexual and no “Love at first sight” with a Demiromantic.

And you can be Demiromantic, Demisexual or both.

I am both, it took quite a while to figure that out, let me tell you. I had a genuine moment of “Wait, people actually fall in love at first sight irl? That’s a thing?” as well as a moment of “People want to F***, just because?”

As a demiromantic and demisexual, I was very confused for a while there.

Things Demisexuality Is Not!

• It is not “a choice”. It is a fundamental part of how a person thinks, how they function. I can no more stop being demi than my boyfriend can stop liking boobs.
• It is not “a kink”. I’ve had this one said to me personally and for the love of god, ew no. It is not a kink. It is something firmly rooted in how I am as a person you uneducated, narrow-minded Ding-Dong. Kinks are fine, perfectly fine so long as it's safe and everyone involved consents. What I'm not okay with is people blatantly ignoring information about a sexuality to label it as a kink.
• “Isn’t everyone like that?” No, Let me put it this way, if the entire world was Demisexual, sex appeal wouldn’t exist in media because it wouldn’t work.

Bonus Round: Being Demi and Having Fictional Crushes

This is something I posted about on reddit, that got a lot of positive attention as most demis that replied didn’t really know about this, but could relate to once I put it into words.

I’d often get attached to fictional characters to the point of being hyper fixated on a select few and develop crushes on them. Some characters I’d even seek out explicit fanfiction of.

This is because I am essentially developing a one-way bond with that character. It’s not with every character mind you, there are some characters I have crushes that don’t involve NSFW content, and there are plenty of characters I like platonically.

But the fact that my hyper fixations and fictional crushes made so much sense after I figured I was demi was a relief and a fun little thing to figure out.

“Oh I’m demi... That explains so much...”

I Hope This Was Helpful!

This was originally posted on my tumblr

My tumblr does have the ask box open. But the subreddit is welcoming and helpful, so there's bound to be people on there with more experience than me who can offer advice and support beyond what I've posted here.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and even if it turns out you're not on the Asexual Spectrum, you're still welcome on there. We're pretty chill.

Comments

[HiddenEntity]

This was quite educational! I like learning about different things and this lit up a whole 'nother world for me to understand!

[Dragonfire2lm]

5455099
I'm so glad. This is something I'm really passionate about and it's not widely known.

[Vaalintine]

*nods* Makes sense to me. Normally it seems (at least to me) that when people try and get into what makes various sexualities and romantic inclinations what they are they're either obtuse and unclear or they make things over-complicated.

Here though its pretty well laid out. You can be gay, straight, bi, or whatever and be demi at the same time. Being demi is more about (and this is paraphrasing) not having sexual/romantic/intimate feelings for someone unless there is already a friendship or emotional bond there for it to start from. So yeah, ut makes pretty good sense the way you put it.

[Dragonfire2lm]

5455284
That was why I wrote it, so people could understand and learn about it.